I could really kill my ex hubby right now

[taylor74]

Arghhhhhhh I'm so bloody mad right now. Every Saturday I drop my DD at her dads for the night. He's since remarried and got 2 step children. Anyway last week when I picked DD up she kept going on about Disneyland and the daddy was going and why couldn't she go. She got very upset thinking she had done something wrong. So I called him asking what was happening as DD was in tears. Apparently his step kids had said that they were all off to Disneyland without her. Anyway the ex said it was true but he could not afford for DD to go. So me and DH said well as she really wants to go we will pay for her to go. The ex agreed so I said work it out and we will give you a cheque on saturday. Anyway dropped her off today and asked him how much he wanted and he said we need to talk. Apparantly his wife doesn't want my DD coming with them and spoiling their "holiday" I'm just so angry. She had her heart set on it and no way can we afford to all go, it was a struggle to find DD money for the trip but we managed. What do I tell her now as he's to cowardly to say anything.

The real issue is about the making and breaking of promises.

Yes, but it is not as simple as that. Once a holiday is booked 'adding' another person is not always easy. Its not just the price, it's ensuring the accommodation can take another person and there are seats on whatever transport is being taken - plane? Train?

We have tried to add an adult to a holiday abroad this summer and it has turned into a bit of a nightmare TBH.

I am not agreeing with what happened by the way.

Sorry but those defending the pair of shits are wrong. There is only one side to this and that's that a little girl is being told by her dad that she doesn't mattertap much to him as a couple of kids whose mother he had an affair with.

And a for resenting the child support, don't fuck a married man with kids. Sorry but my judgey pants are pulled up high on this one.

I hope your dd enjoys your holiday next year.

"Sorry but those defending the pair of shits are wrong. There is only one side to this and that's that a little girl is being told by her dad that she doesn't mattertap much to him as a couple of kids whose mother he had an affair with."

Yup.

I don't think anything is ever that cut and dried and I speak as someone in the OP's position.

I'd love to see the otherside - probably go something like this:

AIBU? I've saved for three years to take DCs and DH on the holiday of a lifetime. Now his exwife wants his DC to come with us also. We can't really afford it but the ex has offered to pay for the flights and accomodation but that means our already stretched budget will have to stretch to another persons food, treats and incidentals.

I'm not happy about taking her abroad, she's only 7, and still very clingy. Although we try and make her feel welcome she cries for her mother all the time, is into my DCs personal things deliberately breaking them, losing or hiding them then denying all knowledge (my DCs are 11 and 13) This is alternated with telling me constantly I'm not her mother and she won't do what I say or what I cook isn't like her mothers. She's constantly asking when she can go home.

The thought of two weeks with her and no respite is daunting. I simply know she hates me.

I feel mean, I've said no, I've looked forward to this holiday for years and it's all going to be spoiled with no one enjoying it.

WWYD?

What a pair of shits.

Totally mean hearted as its not even a matter of finance as the OP and her DH offered to pay.

To those trying to defend the Step mum, why can she not be as accepting as the OPs EX? afterall the other 2 children going on the trip are hers and not his!

Disgusting and unfair behavior with no valid excuse.

troisgarcons What a crock of shit.

Troisgarcons......what??

You just made all that up.

OP how old are her DCs btw?

How horrible for your poor DD.

Is there any chance, taylor , that you could go round to your ex's house (without DD) and speak, very calmly to his wife and ask her why she won't bring her stepdaughter along? Explain to her how sad your DD is (but remain calm the whole time)? See if she the heartless bitch has any sense of guilt.

Also ask her father to tell her she can't go. And to explain why.

Whatever you do, try not to bad mouth your ex infront of your DD (however justified it might be). Be whiter than white. Be the comforter and the fixer. Be the calm, kind and rational one.

FUCk sakes - you lot have trouble reading don't you????

I said the other side would be a totally different perspective - no one knows what goes on behind closed doors apart from the one view that gets posted here. I was hypothesising what the other side might be like.

Yeah I know...you made it all up. That's what I said.

Great advice Flubba - communication is the key in all of this. However it would be the dad I would be speaking to and asking for a proper explanation.

The OP's DD will 'spoil' the holiday?! I would want to know exactly what was meant by that and if there were any underlying issues with regards to her happiness when staying with the exH.

Agree Harry - if the new wife's perspective is that her stepdaughters presence would 'spoil' the holiday, I would be questioning whether or not visiting every Saturday was condusive to a good environment for her.

trois historically there is no room on aibu for the needs of second families so you are absolutely wasting your breath. Funnily i came back to this thread because I was trying to think what would make this situation come up and whilst as a step I totally get how hard it can be I REALLY cannot make excuses for this.

1. This is a seven year old child not going to disney land. My step son can be exactly like you said trois but I tell you what I wouldnt have him growing up knowing his brothers went to disney and he didnt.

1. I tend to be the one who pays for my children and our holidays and I expect dp to pay for his son, HOWEVER if we couldnt do that no-one would go. It just isnt fair to do it. ANY other holiday, day out etc I coud understand (for instance we all go to Chessington but after a nightmare day there in oct dss no longer comes as he wont go on any rides at all ever - he hates the place so doesnt want to come) but not Disneyland. It is just a horrible, horrible thing to do. Dad could put some firm boundaries in place for her behaviour and whilst i utterly hate the phrase dads partner really needs to think of a little girl who will look back, wonder why she didnt get to go and blame herself (which we all know is what they do). It is really, really wrong regardless of the excuse.

My only aside to that is if mum has attempted to control things at her exes house with legal letters and threats, which is what dps ex does and its miserable. In that case dad needs to sort out the legal position before they go to protect his partner and child - still shouldnt be going though.

without the child I mean. rats.

I have been this child ,always being the also ran in my fathers life from being his only daughter I went to being the unwanted extra.

In my opinion the new wife is entitled to a family holiday just her family if she wants it but that means just her and her children .The dh can then take his daughter on holiday on his own.No daughter means no dh simple.

First of all my DD is not clingy with her dad. As for his step kids for what I can gather and this as come from my ex they are spoilt.
They age from 8 to 13.
No I should not have had to offer to pay for her share but when he said he couldn't afford it we knew we had to pay as she so wanted to go.
As for lack of communications I spoke to the ex 4 times on the phone about the Disneyland trip. So there was no lack of communication the only lack was between him and his wife it seems.

I know some people will flame me for this but the rights of a second family come second in my opinion.If you have doubts about your ability to continue to be a parent to your existing family if you have a. Second family then stick with just the one family .

Of course many people successfully manage two family units/blended units and I applaud them but the children are the innocent bystanders in this .
I once read that it takes on avarage 10 years to successfully blend two famililies and I would say with mine that was almost exactly right .

mrs wooden top I totally disagree with you when it comes to children born to a new family - if you have children with two partners they should all be absolutely equal as they are all as important as one another. There is no one is more important situation when it comes to biological children. What is bothering me is that ops ex is telling her all of this about his steps children - why do you know so much about his step kids and why is he blaming his wife - I dont believe that for a second I am afraid. This is something that he has agreed to and doesnt have the balls to tell you the truth. WEAK. Trying to make his current partner look bad for a decision he has backed is HIS fault and HIS responsibility - he doesnt sound like a very nice man.

Troisgarcon, what you wrote from the other womans point of view is entirely reasonable. But it would still be tough shit.

If she had been saving to include her dh in a holiday, that should have automatically included his child. If that means saving for another year, so be it. It is not a case of adding an extra person on, it's a case of excluding a child from the start who should have automatically been included.

I would also guess that if that post was to be found on here, that there would be plenty of advice on how to improve the realtionship and help the dsd to have a nice holiday at the same time as everyone else. There would also be plenty of post saying that that is what you chose when you decided to marry a man who already has a child, so if you want your husband in your life, you just have to get on and deal with it.

I know from my dh's pov that it is hard to be a step parent, especially when the children have such a close relationship with their Dad, but he wanted to marry me, so he made the choice to deal with the difficulties that arise. He is a grown up who was more than capable of making that descision, as was the woman in the OP.

There are two sides to every story, but I'm not sure that the other side of this story is relevant. Simple fact is, a little girl is being rejected from a family holiday with her own Dad. How can anyone think there is any possible justification for that. There just isn't a way to justify it. There are NO circumstances where that is acceptable.

Troisgarcons, You wrote what i was thinking.
Shall I put the Step siblings (hypothetical) point of view
"Mums married this new guy, he's alright I suppose but his daughter is a pain in the bum, always whining, wanting whatever we've got and throwing a tantrum if she doesn't get her own way. Mum's been saving really hard to take us to Disney land and we're really excited about spending some time with our new step dad. Anyway HIS daughter has had a hissy fit about not coming with us and HE's caved in so now we'll have to do what she wants all week or listen to her screaming about getting her own way."

Maybe this isn't how it is WE DON'T KNOW. There are lots of reasons why the OPs daughter is not invited on this particular holiday and they don't begin and end with the step mother or the ExH being heartless and selfish!

Yeah....they do.