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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

329 replies

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 19/05/2011 09:13

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

OP posts:
MollysChamber · 20/05/2011 08:58

OP - In light of comments above I'm sure if you wanted to run another, more in depth survey you'd have a similar response.

MollysChamber · 20/05/2011 08:58

Oops sorry - wrong thread Blush

aliceinlalaland · 20/05/2011 09:12

minmooch I'm so sorry about your babies and so sorry that people haven't asked to see pictures of them ? I'm sure they are beautiful.

ledkr · 20/05/2011 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Charleymouse · 20/05/2011 10:01

Manic I agree; in my initial post

Charleymouse Thu 19-May-11 12:57:02

I stated that neither OP or her friend were unreasonable. I stand by that.

It is not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable about a photo of a dead baby especially on FB where you may come across it inadvertently.

It is also not unreasonable to want to display a picture of your baby to friends/family.

Haribojoe · 20/05/2011 10:06

My Mum died 18 months ago and we kept her facebook page open as a tribute page, myself and other family members often post things there in memory of her.

For us this is a way of remembering her that we find helpful, in fact I have shed a little tear this morning looking at it.

I can't begin to imagine what this poor family are going through to lose a precious new life.

I understand why this profile picture might make you feel uncomfortable but people should be allowed to grieve however they want to.

MsGee · 20/05/2011 10:15

Bacchus - jeez, that is some opinion. I am in shock - your sentiment and the words you used are quite vile. Did you mean to sound like such a bitch?

I understand the OP's discomfort with the picture - as a society we are not good at facing up to death, its still a taboo subject, particularly with regards to children.

That said, greiving for a child must be the most horrific thing in the world and everyone has the right to do it in their own way and to be supported in doing so. If that means a 100 pictures of facebook, then they should do it.

otchayaniye · 20/05/2011 10:25

I think it's funny that grown ups use facebook at all.

I am sorry for the parents of the baby.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2011 10:30

I agree with Bloofer Lady and Aurynne. This thread seems to have become a vehicle for grieving posters to pour scorn on other posters who have responded to the OP rather than posters' individual circumstances, some are now projecting their own experiences and making them the focus of thread, which they weren't. I don't think that's on really... and whether or not your agree with Bacchus (I don't, but I understand what she means), it's not ok to start calling her names.

I really don't understand why people would read a thread that upsets them so badly. :(

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/05/2011 10:48

I can see Bacchus' point, as well: some people do massively overshare on FB and someone who has always been an attention-seeking PITA may still behave the same way after a bereavement. Having something terrible happen to you doesn't automatically turn you into a better person if you were thick/spiteful/selfish beforehand.

cowparsely · 20/05/2011 10:55

Yanbu. To me facebook is not a place for private matters. For me grief is a very private thing. It baffles me that people are so public about things.

DandyLioness · 20/05/2011 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GothAnneGeddes · 20/05/2011 13:43

Bloody hell. What is wrong with people? I've been crying reading this thread, so I cannot believe some of the horribly insensitive comments people have stomped in with.

Lying -It is not the fault of grieving parents that some people have the empathy of a squashed slug. I mean, having to have it explained why photos matter so much to the parents of a stillborn baby

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2011 13:48

GothAnneGeddes... It's nobody's fault at all. Of course photos matter, nobody has suggested anything different. The medium is the issue; if people choose to put photos on a site where they can be seen by the world at large then there is some specific reason for doing that that goes over and above treasuring and honouring the photos of a beloved child.

I know parents who have lost their children and nothing would induce them to put their photos on the world wide web - some posters on this thread had said the same thing. Nobody's right and nobody's wrong.

I think that point has been done to death now, I really do.

ledkr · 20/05/2011 14:52

I think this thread needs deleting, a lady on our post natal thread lost her precious daughter a few weeks ago and she is very upset. For what its worth wewere all honoured to see her pictures.

wigglesrock · 20/05/2011 14:53

I too was honoured to share in Zoe's beautiful first and last photo.

MollysChamber · 20/05/2011 14:58

I would have no problen with this thread being deleted.

I am very sorry for your friends loss led.

ledkr · 20/05/2011 15:03

I have reported it especially baccus post,most;y people were making the point about inappropriate use of fb which i wouldnt argue with as i dont even do facebook i find it a bit ott. But to suggest someone finds the death of a child "the most profound life experience they have had" is just plain nasty,i accept my posts were deleted but the nastiest one has remained.

ChippingIn · 20/05/2011 15:03

SerenitySutton -

^Serenitysutton Thu 19-May-11 22:28:29
Could you please point out where I have typed dead baby?^

I merely pointed out that you typed dead person, which is not that different to dead baby, so being all defensive about not having said 'dead baby' was pathetic.

and for babies that are stillborn - son/daughter still applies you know Hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2011 15:04

You have no idea of anybody's history of background when they post here, so leave the comments out please.

And have the decency to stop posting on this thread and bumping it up if you're so annoyed by it. It's not rocket science.

ledkr · 20/05/2011 15:10

lying if you mean me you were the person i was aiming my comments at the least,you stuck to the thread point and didnt lower yourself to making nasty remarks about peoples personal grief.

ChippingIn · 20/05/2011 15:11

Minmooch - I am really sorry to hear about Katie & Anna :( Please don't assume people weren't interested in seeing their photos though.

I was talking to a lady the other day (at her house) who lost her twins (1b/1g) at 30 weeks and I would have liked to have seen their photos - but it felt far too personal to ask... I don't know if she would have found it too hard to say no if she didn't want to share that or if she was more hurt I didn't ask...?

In turn she probably didn't offer to show them to me because she doesn't know me that well and is probably nervous about asking people, because clearly, so many people think it's weird :(

It certainly wasn't because I didn't care or didn't want to see it that I didn't ask x

jeckadeck · 20/05/2011 15:16

its cultural isn't it? British people are by and large unusually fastidious about death and images of death. People from other cultures and other religions tend to be more relaxed about it, hence open coffins, more structured death rituals etc.
I think we have a real problem dealing with death myself and in a way I kind of respect this woman for having the profile picture up. I have to say, though, that at a personal level it would make me feel a bit uncomfortable too.

takethisonehereforastart · 20/05/2011 15:30

lyingwitch someone on here has suggested very differently in regards to the photographs and suggested that memories should serve, missing the point completely that bereaved parents do not have memories of a stillborn baby or any photographs of that child alive to share instead.

People who have experienced this type of loss have responded to explain to the OP and others just why it is important to some parents and families to share photographs in this way. They are not pouring scorn as such but when people who haven't experienced it start spouting off about how "thick" and "gruesome" you must be to take or display a photograph of your child it's difficult to respond to them without feeling them to be cold or callous in some way or as though they are personally attacking those of us who have taken photographs and share them in whatever way we feel is fitting.

I think the only point we can all agree on here is that people grieve in different ways, people show support in different ways and people use facebook in different ways and I too think it would be best if this thread were removed.

flimflammery · 20/05/2011 16:03

Many posters seem to be missing the point that IT WAS NOT THE MOTHER who posted the photo, but her cousin. Even so I think it would be fine for the cousin to put the photos up on FB in an album, but to put it as YOUR PROFILE pic when it's not even your child seems very tasteless, so that it appears whenever you make some banal comment or joke about something else. I hope that the cousin was just trying to show her support, even if it was somewhat misjudged.