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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

329 replies

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 19/05/2011 09:13

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

OP posts:
InPraiseOfBacchus · 19/05/2011 23:29

A vague acquaintance on FB recently posted a huge public album of shots featuring her at the hospital, with a huge smile, holding her stillborn baby, dressed up all nice. There then follows another enormous album of the funeral (someone must have been snapping away through the whole ceremony), and then tons of sparkly decorative pictures with sentimental phrases and pictures of tiny angels, etc.

I hate myself for thinking this, but it struck me as completely repugnant, and I can't shake the notion that she's only doing it because she's rather dull and very thick, and this is most likely the only 'profound' life event she'll ever have. It stings that I find myself being so cynical about something like this.

OvO · 19/05/2011 23:32

Wow, Bacchus, just...wow.

Taking all those photos will be because those are the only events in her life she gets with her baby. Totally natural for her to want to document every moment as there are no more to come.

MollysChamber · 19/05/2011 23:38

Gosh Bacchus that is harsh.

jellybeans · 19/05/2011 23:39

YABU
I have lost 2 stillborn babies and have photos in my house but I don't put them on facebook etc; mainly as they are private and I don't want weirdos getting hold of them. However, I have friends who do exactly that and it doesn't bother me at all-it's their choice, in fact I feel honoured to see their little ones. Yes, they are dead but it really doesn't bother me other than of course being very sad for the baby and family.

I think it is perhaps another case of unless you have been in those shoes or are very empathetic then you won't get it?

BeerTricksPotter · 19/05/2011 23:41

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kirriemummy · 19/05/2011 23:42

Grief is grief. Until you have experienced it, don't pass judgement on how others handle it. I think the post from bacchus is a bit misjugdged. I thankfully have never lived through what others posting here have described, but I can only hope that if it was me, my friends would accept and support however I choose to deal with it, just as I would them. I may never have met you, but I am so very sorry for all of your losses.

differentnameforthis · 19/05/2011 23:51

An internet friend lost her son to meningitis a couple of years ago, he was about 2. She had his photo (deceased) as her profile picture.

Some didn't like it, but he was still her son & she said she needed it up there. Her profile, her choice!

You can hide the friend, so you don't have to see the picture. But for the mum, that is the only was she will ever know her baby!

differentnameforthis · 19/05/2011 23:52

that is the only way she will ever know her baby!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/05/2011 00:05

I think the issue is not the photo of the baby, but the displaying of it on Facebook as a profile picture. Some people may find it distasteful, grotesque or whatever but I doubt they'd voice that view.

Some people keep their photos and experiences private, reserving them for family/close friends only - others choose to display their photos. Neither is wrong but if photos are displayed to the world at large then it is likely that there will be opinions about the displaying of photos. None of that detracts from the grief of losing a child or any loved one.

I think the thread is getting confused as several posters have mentioned that photos of a deceased child is all they have. Nobody has said any different to that or challenged it in any way, not that I can see. Confused

Charleymouse · 20/05/2011 00:14

Lying I may be mistaken but I think it is in response to those who think it is okay to have a photo of a living child on FB but abhorrent to have a photo of a deceased one. There is no option if your baby is stillborn then you have no photo of them alive. I think it is double edged the photo of them dead is all you have in photos but for some it is the only tangible thing they have of their childs existence.

deemented · 20/05/2011 00:38

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aurynne · 20/05/2011 04:32

I have no saying in the way anyone chooses to remember loved ones, babies, children or adults. It is their decision, and they have to be respected.

I would still like to have the right, though, to decide if I want to see a photograph of a dead person, whichever their age. It is a very distressing thing to see. Yes, it is somebody's child, but every person in the World is somebody's child, and I still choose not to see photographs of their deaths.

Putting the photograph of a dead person on your FB profile is VERY unfair for everyone on your friend's list. They have no say in it. They are forced to see it, with no warning. Yes, they can hide it, but in order to hide it, they must see it first. You can't UNSEE things.

Putting that photo in a folder with a title such as "my angel baby", and hence giving people the choice to click on the folder and see it if they wish is what I would consider appropriate in this situation.

Another opinion.

BimboNo5 · 20/05/2011 05:52

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manicinsomniac · 20/05/2011 07:53

"I think it is in response to those who think it is okay to have a photo of a living child on FB but abhorrent to have a photo of a deceased one."

Charleymouse, I think it more that most of us are comfortable with seeing a photo of a living child on fb but uncomfortable when confronted with a dead one.

It's not about permission or revulsion necessarily and I don't think many people on this thread are denying the parents' right to do as they please with pictures of their own children. We are just saying that, alongside their right to post the pictures, is our right to feel uncomfortable and upset about it.

I'm certainly not saying it's wrong to do it. I'm just saying I personally would feel very upset and uncomfortable if I saw one, especially unexpectedly. That isn't the parents' concern and shouldn't have to be but it's still a valid feeling and not unreasonable.

Serenitysutton · 20/05/2011 08:06

I have to say I don't think putting the pic on fb is very dignified for the baby either. That's my main issue- it should be about the baby as well as the parents. If they want to preserve their memory that's beautiful and understandAble but using it as your fb profile pic? Just cheapens it IMO.

Chippin in if there is something wrong with the phrase "dead people" then what on earth do you think people should call the deceased? You're just being deliberatly provocative.

ithaka · 20/05/2011 08:07

You know what - I rather admire these people who have the strength to display their grief on Facebook and shove it under the noses of those who would rather ignore it.

Ten years later, I can still hardly bear to speak about my dead son and I need to work up all my strength to look at pictures of him, which then knock me back for weeks. I despise myself in a way for my weakness, but their is no doubt everyone just wants to ignore they ever existed and wants you to 'move on' (yeah, right). After ten years I still hurt as much and could tear myself apart as if it was yesterday.

So I say, go that woman, daring to not supress her loss for everyone elses sake. If it makes you uncomfortable - good. Explore than feeling and see if you can get to the root of that nasty, judgey part of yourself and deal with it.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/05/2011 08:10

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ledkr · 20/05/2011 08:14

God i think people should come off and hide this thread and leave vile nasty people to their opinions.I am stunned at the flippancy towards someone who has carried and then lost a baby,are we not all on mumsnet cos we are mothers?or in some way involved with children.How can people have such shocking lack of compassion. There is a thing called karma so leave them to it.

ledkr · 20/05/2011 08:15

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hobnobsaremyfavourite · 20/05/2011 08:18

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RunAwayWife · 20/05/2011 08:21

This got nasty fast Sad

BlooferLady · 20/05/2011 08:24

Honestly? My initial reaction was that YADNBU.

It strikes me as goulish, and - far worse - appropriating the grief of someone else. It's not her grief, and not her child. It's a kind of attention seeking that FB seems to facilitate.

Very sad for the family.

Serenitysutton · 20/05/2011 08:24

Er, well as it was a "vague aquaintence" then it seems pretty obvious she did neither. Why are you trying to make it more dramatic? You're now adding your own little story onto her post. That's the problem with MN, people don't respond to what's there but what they want to be there.

minmooch · 20/05/2011 08:38

My twin daughters lived inside me for 6 months but tragically they also died inside me. I had the honour of carrying them for 6 months and then giving birth to them - Katie and Anna - my precious angel daughters. I had 6 months og excited planning, dreams and hopes for our future lives. Now I have no future with them - just a few pictures after they were born. No first smiles, no first steps, no birthdays .......... Just my photos. Nobody has ever asked to see a photo of my daughters - it is a taboo subject. They existed, and they had, and still have, a monumental impact on my life. It would have meant so much to me and my dh if just one person had asked to see a photo of our daughters. For this person to post a picture of her cousins child is a tribute to that child and to everything the parents have suffered.

I haven't posted photos of my daughters on fb because of the ignorant, abusive comments that could be posted.

My daughters were beautiful - just too small to survive - how I wish I had had the chance to take photos of them alive, breathing and screaming.

A little tolerance to those who have lost a child would not go amiss. It is very easy to sit and judge from the wonderfully naive position of not having suffered a stillbirth.

minmooch · 20/05/2011 08:54

And as for Baccus - you should be ashamed of yourself. You have no empathay for a woman who has lost a child? Calling her rather dull and thick - you are sick. A child's funeral is not some event - it is the most heartbreaking thing you could ever imagine.

Let's hope that you are never in that position yourself and require the love, support and understanding of those around you.