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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

329 replies

HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 19/05/2011 09:13

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

OP posts:
zeno · 21/05/2011 17:33

Semantics LWIW; would you prefer "guidelines as to what constitutes acceptable use of images of your dead child". Whatever, the object is to try and help you see that your opinions on this are unpalatable.

"your entitlement trumps mine and I guess I'll just have to live with that."

Not my entitlement, my experience. Tell you what, you live with that, I'll live without my dd.

alistron1 · 21/05/2011 17:43

If I had to go through the awful experience of having a still birth and I wanted to post pictures of my child on my facebook page then I would reserve the right to do so.

Surely to god there are some subjects off limits for AIBU? Losing a child and how/why/where/when parents choose to grieve/make tributes is not a subject for debate.

QuickLookBusy · 21/05/2011 18:23

Lyingwitch I didn't know my DNeice at all. She was stillborn.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/05/2011 18:46

QuickLookBusy... I know that. There was no way I could think of to put it any less clumsily, I'm sorry. I meant a deceased child within the family or close friends.

confuddledDOTcom · 21/05/2011 19:56

travelling, ain't that the truth! I've been in hospital for two nights and lost count of the times I've had the conversation with MWs (who have my notes!) "This is your third?" "No, fourth"

In real life I talk about having two children and one on the way. If I'm asked how many grandchildren our parents have I have to miss one out. My daughter is the big secret, like a taboo. I don't mention her because I'll make people feel uncomfortable. I spend my life as far as my daughter is concerned denying her existance, trying not to upset people. Every angel mum I speak to does the same thing. Every angel mum I speak to tells me their second LC is such a blessing because they no longer have to refer to having "only one" or say "my child" they can say they have children without referring to their angel baby or denying their existance.

Everyone on my friends list knows I have another baby so on Facebook I don't have to deny her. Most of the time I do, I talk about "my eldest" who's actually my second child but occasionally I mention my first, occasionally I bump a picture.

Like I said, this conversation is so familiar! I seem to remember having it four months ago.

QuickLookBusy · 21/05/2011 20:00

Apology accepted LyingWitch.

The thing is very close relatives to my DN felt the same as you, that they didn't want to see a photo.

I just know that all my Dsis wanted to do was to make sure people talked about her little girl, that she didn't get forgotten. Surely they should be allowed to do this, without fear of upsetting someone?

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 21/05/2011 20:05

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but those who are saying they can't understand why anyone would do this are lacking in either empathy or experience.

My daughter was stillborn almost two years ago. The hospital took her photos and her tiny foot and handprints, and put them in a box for me. I still don't have the courage to look at them. The box is only a metre away from me right now, and I'm so glad it's there, but just writing this is making me cry so much, I really can't handle looking at the picture.

When I do get that courage, whenever that is, I hope some of my friends or relatives will be kind enough to look at the photos too. If anyone wanted a copy, I would be so touched.

Stillbirth is such a strange thing. Most people want to pretend your baby never existed. If I had a cousin who cared so much about my poor, dead daughter who did live (thank you very much), but never breathed air, I would be so pleased.

I hope those of you saying it is inappropriate stop and think about that child and its parents. That baby was a real being, and did exist. A dead photo is all the family will have to remember the baby. Allow them that you insensitive fuckers.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/05/2011 20:18

QuickLookBusy... I'd also make the distinction between looking at a photo - which I'd really struggle with, even though I accept it's my own shortcoming, and talking about the stillborn baby. I would have no problem talking for as long as somebody wanted to talk about it, and I'd be happy to do that with anyone.

It's just pictures, I don't know why, the picture that I have seen of my friend's baby is just beautiful. I just have a hang-up, it's ridiculous, and that is a failing in me somewhere. :(

Original poster
HowToLookGoodGlaikit · 21/05/2011 20:26

lying You have summed up how I feel entirely. I talk to my friends who have angel children, I would never expect anyone to keep quiet about it! Ive mopped tears, given hugs, asked questions & shared memories. It is not a taboo subject IMO. It is just the photos, and I dont fully know why. When my Grandad died, thefamily went to visit his body to say their goodbyes, and I just couldnt. I really couldnt, and I feel terrible about it. I am distressed by all photos of bodies after death n the media or anywhere. It is not limited to just sweet angel babies.

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 21/05/2011 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy · 21/05/2011 20:51

Well I agree with what others have said.

You need to put your feelings of distress into prespective and put the feelings of bereaved parents first.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 21/05/2011 21:02

At the last bit I assume Lunatic? Grin

QLB has it spot on. Deal with your own sensitivities, it is nothing compared to what the families are, and always will be going through. Grow a pair and let them do what they need.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/05/2011 21:08

It's not a question of 'growing a pair' LoopyLoopsBerryBoops. I would never pass comment on any photo that I happened upon. OP said the same thing. People cannot help their feelings. In fact, nobody on this thread has said that they would say anything to any parent. The last sentance of your post, which you find amusing, isn't really necessary, I don't think.

LunaticFringe · 21/05/2011 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuickLookBusy · 21/05/2011 21:13

Well a lot of what has been said on this thread isn't really necessary LyingWitch.

Are you sure you meant to have a go at someone who has just poured her heart out about her DD?

Please have a bit of empathy.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/05/2011 21:26

This thread is on AIBU, QuickLookBusy, it's not on the parenting board where other posters are talking specifically about this issue. I've make comments on this thread and I've tried to explain, politely. The thread has gone off at a tangent and the subject. It's obviously fine for people to have their views but having explained about the photos, I don't much appreciate being told to 'grow a pair', nor being called a 'fucker' and I don't care who they are.

Empathy and respect works both ways, along with dignity. I really think I'll leave it there now.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 21/05/2011 21:41

I don't recall telling you personally either of those things Lying. Having said that, I do think you need to reassess your priorities.

deemented · 21/05/2011 21:47

I have to agree with LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. Empathy, respect and dignity does indeed work both ways. I for one hate the 'us and them' situation that inevitiably arises on threads such as these.

IMO just because i am bereaved, it does not give me the right to ride roughshod over people, and if i do i would expect to be called on it. I don't for one minute want anyone to treat me any differently because i have a son who's died, god knows i've had my fair share of that already - and by the same token i would never use the 'my son died' as a top trumps card. That's one thing i do fear, that people think they can't say anything to me becuase my sons dead, that's simply not the case. For me anyway.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 21/05/2011 21:47

And could you please spell out for me why I should be empathising with you? I'm clearly missing something.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 21/05/2011 21:49

I'm sorry. I'm not entirely sure what I've done but it's clearly wrong. Totally confused but genuinely sorry if I upset you lying.

deemented · 21/05/2011 21:53

What do you mean, Loopy?

zeno · 21/05/2011 21:59

"In fact, nobody on this thread has said that they would say anything to any parent"

And yet, you (and others) have done just that right here in this thread, to parents who are grieving for their children and trying to explain their point of view on the subject.

I do love that you're calling out other posters for lacking empathy, respect and dignity. Hilarious.

LoopyLoopsBettyBoops · 21/05/2011 22:06

I'm just in a bad place today. Don't know what I mean. Sorry.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/05/2011 22:10

Loopy... Think nothing of it, really. I'm sorry if I upset you.

confuddledDOTcom · 21/05/2011 22:28

Lunatic, I'm always quick to jump into those posts when I can. I hate the whole "natures way" argument because most pregnancy losses can be explained, especially as you get further through and stillbirth certainly isn't "one of those things" a baby has to be pretty strong to get to 24 plus weeks so for them to die suddenly before birth there is something else going on.

It's bit of a soapbox for me because I think the most useful blood test we could all have in pregnancy is for APS, it would save so many lives but the cynical part of me wonders if that's the problem. The test might be cheap but a miscarriage is cheaper than a pregnancy.