to feel a bit funny that a friend has a photo of a dead baby as her profile picture?

[HowToLookGoodGlaikit]

A friend (distant) has put up a photo of her cousins very obviously dead (I think stillborn) baby as her profile picture, as a "tribute".

AIBU to find this a bit weird? The photo makes me feel uncomfortable. Is this my problem, and it is in fact a nice thing to do to honour the poor wee child? Her cousins has put "thank you" underneath, so she must think its a fitting tribute. Maybe its just me. I am quite prepared to admit I am BU if need be.

Who honestly wants to see a picture of a dead person, adult, child or baby? Grief is a deaply personal thing. Posting the picture is sick in my opinion (and I am entitled to have one!), not the image itself.

I was shown a picture of a stillborn full term baby recently (by his grandparents). It was not a pleasant sight at all and seeing it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. What can you say, it was a terrible loss for them, and privately showing me the photo was their choice but they haven't broadcast it across the world.

I have no pictures of DS (6 months, live and kicking) on facebook, by choice. Too many freaks and weirdo's out there getting off on kids pics. You can't tell me there's no necrophiles on facebook!

Howto I don't blame you for being uncomfortable seeing the photo , I understand it is not something anyone would relish looking at . I think most of the arguments have been about others coming on and saying it was sick or weird or the people posting the pictures were thick and uneducated and it was the highlight of their lives .

tigermummy I just don't have the words I am afraid . But will try anyway .

So because you don't have pictures on fb because of the paedo round every corner thing then someone shouldn't post a picture of their baby because of necrophilia ? Really that is your argument ?

I can honestly understand people feeling a bit uncomfortable looking at the pic but to go think these things is just heartless .

Please remember you will have forgotten this picture in an hour / day/ week . The mum will have this pic ingrained in her head forever .

Does it really matter if it upsets you for a few minutes if she finds some comfort in it ? She is going through a living hell and finds her bit of peace wherever she can . I don't think anyone should deny her that .

I think I shoudl apologise for using the word "funny" - I meant uncomortable.

OP I think you've come across really well - the threads has got out of hand a bit but that's no reflection on you.

it really amazes me that some people feel the need to judge anothers choice of picture whether the baby be in heaven or on earth. These pics are the only ones families have and some feel a need to show their angels to others. The person who said that a woman was dull and thick to have photos taken with her child should have her post deleted. to see these angels is a tribute to their parents who planned a future and now can no longer see past the end of the day. It is neither sick or weird for them to remember and celebrate this little person who was deemed too good for earth. If you don't like it tough

What Baccus seemed to be saying was that she had a feeling the person she referred to really was milking her loss (pages and pages of pics, sparkly tickers, the lot). Some people do behave like that. And it is possible that in the case of the OP's friend, there was a touch of attention-seeking in using the pic as a profile pic (remember, it wasn't that person's own child). There have been threads on here in the past from bereaved posters feeling hurt, upset and angry that other people have taken it upon themselves to do various big splashy performancy things on or offline by way of a 'tribute' to the deceased, when they didn't know the deceased person that well and are maybe taking a bit much upon themselves.

I haven't read all of this thread but I really think that it should be deleted. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I don't think the OP is BU to feel a bit uncomfortable but I don't think MN is an appropriate place to have this kind of thread. So many people on here have lost their precious babies and some of the comments on this thread are disgusting!

IMO there is nothing about a newborn baby (alive or not) that is "yuck". Why shouldn't parents or relatives share photos of their precious baby, just as anyone else does with their children? That baby is still the most precious thing in the world to them why is it so odd that they share it?

I know that happens sgb , but the fact the mother said she liked it was enough for me .

Tbh what has pissed me off more are peoples general attitudes to the showing of the picture .

weird , sick and a bit thick is a step too far .

Some people like to show others pictures of their children , if the only picture you have is one after your child has died then I don't see that as a bad thing for others just a bloody heartbreaking thing for the parents to have to even think about doing .

I don't think YABU to find it a little odd, but each to their own. You would be unreasonable to comment or ask her to remove it.

Travelling Wilbury... You're misquoting what was actually said regarding the 'highlight of their life'. It was said in the context of somebody - a cousin, so not immediate family - posting a picture of their cousin's deceased baby on their profile picture. People do have the absolute right to do that if they wish to but, by the same token, people have the same absolute right to find that distasteful.

Whether you agree or not, there are some facebook users who are almost professional 'mourners', who will take somebody's tragic happening on themselves for the sympathy and the 'likes' and most of all the attention. Again, people can do that if they want but many will find it distasteful and they can say so.

Because this is an emotive subject, projections have been coming from many posters on this thread; fair enough, but that doesn't make what is then said correct and some of the points made have been just as inflammatory and unacceptable.

Anybody can post and they have the right to read any thread here BUT, they have to take personal responsibility for that. It isn't acceptable to come onto a thead where the title is really clear and take umbrage at what is posted just because the person reading it doesn't like what is posted.

Bacchus did get slated for her choice of words but I understood what she meant and perhaps, if the posters who took offence hadn't been so quick to project, they might have understood better and realised that the offence wasn't personal. There were a few posters that seemed to come on to slate Bacchus and it seemed like 'ganging up' to me. I personally hate that more than anything else.

For all the complaints that this thread has received, it's getting many posts - including from the complanants themselves - so perhaps it is a subject people do want to talk about. I think they should be able to without being curtailed by people who object just because of the content of the post.

I dont think I even found it odd tbh, just a wee bit distressing as it so obvioulsy not alive at the time :( I do know this my own issue though, and I would never have even thought about asking them to remove the photo!

There was a poster on this thread who said that she felt that people should 'shove pictures of stillborn babies under people's noses if they wanted to'. I found that to be a most offensive post and perhaps this lack of feeling for others' sensibilities is a reason why there is a lack of tolerance the other way.

Nobody should be forced to look at pictures anymore than anybody should be prevented from putting them up. There are easy solutions to achieving that end.

Travellingwilbury - the photo of the dead baby I saw is ingrained in my memory. It was too horrific for words for me to see and I'll never foget seeing it. Which is why it is inappropriate to post in a public forum, where anyone can see it. As I say, grief is a deeply personal and private thing, pictures of any deceased people should really also be kept private, in my opinion.

The necrophilia comment was flippant and I apologise for that.

This thread is horrible. The OP wasnt vile. It was a bit insensitive and a bit self centered but not vile.

Some of the other posts are though.

'over sharing'?

Comments about FB being all working class and vulgar and that fucking crack about a woman being dull?

All comes down to people being uncomfortable with other's grief. Fine but admit it, dont hide behind 'oh how vulgar - putting it on facebook' type comments.

That baby is someone's child and it exsisted. What a shame it didnt live long enough so mum could take a nice decent picture to display. Then people could coo and say how sad that only a short while later the poor little thing died.

Now its just a 'dead baby' and shouldnt be seen incase it upsets people.

Feck off.

HowToLookGoodGlaikit... There was absolutely nothing wrong with your opening post. You're entitled to your feelings about it, we all are. You made it quite clear that you had not and would not say anything, but all of that got lost in the projections of other posters.

tiger I make no comment of any previous posts of yours but I take exception to your last one.

Grief is deeply private and personal is it?

Why? Because those who are grieving are told to shut up and keep it to themselves. Dont embaress yourself and dont upset anyone. Get on with it and get over it.

No thanks.

I just read your last post tiger

TBH i just dont have the words.

The private aspect of grief pisses me off as well .

How come people are allowed to rant and rave about anything from fucking piles to swinging clubs but have a bit of a rant and a cry about your dead child and that should be private ?

Now I have done no projecting on this thread so far but I am now and I don't care if people don't like it .

And for the record , every single bereaved parent I have ever met carries themselves with such dignity it is ridiculous .

The last thing we ever do is shove our grief under peoples noses .

All of them do their upmost to be considerate of others feelings and tiptoe around everyone making sure they are not upset .

If we actually spent just one day answering the "how are you" questions with honesty people would shite themselves .

thefirstMrsDeVere - I would never deny anyone their grieving process -I'd very happily talk about it, their child and anything else with a grieving parent. I know every life should be celebrated, well after they have moved on. I just find this particular photo distressing, just in the same way I would find any photo of a deceased person. I have no idea how to stop finding it uncomfortable though. I am actually upset that I seem to be so insensitive. It is something I will need to work on.

Howto , honestly I don't think your comments have been anything other than just an honest description of your feelings . It is fine to feel the way you do .

I honestly don't see why grief has to be private either . Why should people bottle it up and hide behind closed doors.

When I had a MC a few years ago (I'm not comparing it to a stillbirth, I know that it doesn't come close) I wanted to talk about it. Talking about it helped my grief but every time I mentioned it people would change the subject, which was upsetting.

howtolookgood as I have said and lot of others too, your OP wasnt that bad. It did make me a little bit but only a little. Not enough for me to think you utterly insensitive. Yes it was a little but, how do I put this ... only what I would expect from your average person who had not lost a child. A knee jerk reaction perhaps. But you have proved with subsequent posts that you are happy to challenge your feeling and thoughts about this.
What more could I ask?

Its the stuff people have been saying in response to your OP that pisses me off. Piling in with comments about vulgarity and oversharing.

Horrible.

WanderingSheep... Grief doesn't have to be private and it doesn't have to be hidden behind closed doors. That said, it should be audience appropriate in my opinion. Most people I know wouldn't dream of showing pictures to stillborn children to anybody other than their families and maybe closest friends. That's their choice.

Like you, I've had a miscarriage. I didn't want to talk about it to anybody, again, my choice, but if I had wanted to talk about it, I would have chosen people closest to me and backed off if they didn't want to hear it. It's a two-way process, I can't foist my wish to talk about something on people who don't want to hear it.

One thing that the internet has provided is a great many more specific sources of support from people who've experienced similar things and that enables people to 'off load' if they want to. It's a very positive thing in my view.