to wish people would be a bit objective about their kids?

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

This is meant to be a bit lighthearted!

I go on a couple of other forums and have noticed that lots of people describe their children as "very bright". Lots of mums that I know in RL describe their children as "very bright" too. Okay yes some children are very bright, but some aren't. Some are average, some below average. Surely not everyone's child is bright.

Another thing I've noticed, online and with friends in real life is mums saying that their children are tall and thin, therefore needing a smaller sized pair of trousers for the waist but a bigger size for the leg length. Any thread about childrens' clothes on one particular forum I go on, you can guarantee that lots of people will say the same thing about their child. And yes, I know some children are tall and thin, but not all are. One woman in particular that I bump into on the school run most days goes on and on about how hard it is to buy clothes for her daughter as she's so tall and thin. Her daughter is slim, because she doesn't eat, but she isn't tall, she looks average to me when she comes out of school with other children in her class, certainly not one of the taller ones.

I know these seem like petty examples, but I wish people would just be objective about their children, at least sometimes.

I think each child has something which they are naturally good at and it's the job of their parents to help them find out what that thing is. Being academically 'bright' is not the be all and end all.

Life is so tough nowadays for young people starting out, no matter which direction they go in. Parents are just trying to give them the best start and sometimes we get it wrong and push too hard or in the wrong direction.

It's difficult to be objective. As parents we're wired to think our DC are the brightest etc

bluebobbin= do not get me started on trousers! I reckon round the waist and bum dd is an age 3-4 and lengthways a 7-8. T'is a mare and I encourage skirts wherever possible......(perhaps not a good look on a boy )

My child IS tall and slim..98th for height and 81st for weight..!

Not gifted though..has SN in fact..but is gifted at being fantastic

I have no problem telling my children I love them and that they are wonderful but look at how egotistical and even deluded some people can be about their abilities because they are getting over the top praise and that they are the 'best'. Just look at some of the deluded types who go on x factor who really believe they are amazing at singing etc because their parents etc old them so. I can see how my dc are good at some things but at others not so good and I will always encourage them to do what they want to but not to the point of delusion!

Bluebobbin, how are they bizarre? I have no desire to listen over and over again so someone's woes about getting trousers that fit their child. I actually couldn't care less if the woman's daughter - or your child - is thin. But talking about it every day? I don't really have a lot of interest in other peoples' children, let alone hearing the same thing about one child, day in, day out.

YANBU. It always makes me smile when I read of the "very bright" who have failed x, y and z. Clearly not the child's fault because s/he is "very bright".

I want to encourage my son every day - build his self-esteem and make him feel loved. At the same time I am not going to tell him that he can be the next Cheryl Cole! There is, imo, a difference between encouragement and building false hope.

AlpinePony, I totally agree.

I am with snakes, here. I think the constantly telling of an average DC that they are absolutely the best can be very destructive as, sooner or later, they will discover that they're not. It really isn't 'a mother's job' to peddle delusion.

FWIW I am a realist. I have always told my DSs, for instance that I expect they to always strive towards being the best they can be, but never that they ARE The Best, as clearly, they're not.

MY reading of the OP's remarks regarding tallness and slimness is that that mother has got a subtext which is really saying 'Look how much my DD conforms to societal norms of what is beautiful', like tall, undernourished waifs with a figure like an adolescent boy on the catwalk.

I know a mother who regularly said of her 2 year old 'Oh, it's so exasperating, constantly being summonsed to come and look at the Lego model he's built, then having to help him deconstruct it as it's got so many tiny pieces, being for 9+...' (And before I get the :But how do you know he's not so clever?', I helped in his pre-school. He's no child genius (except maybe on the tantrumming front when not the centre of attention...!)

Finally, I think another negative that can come out of that boastfulness is the parents losing sight of reality, so the DC who scrapes a B grade is OBVIOUSLY not being 'stretched enough' by the school who are therefore evidently failing him in not recognising his genius, but therefore he MUST be 'gramm(e)ar school material'.

You read that all the time on here.

And I loved the remark for a Prep School's gate!

Alpine- I once got into a real MN stouch about that: The idea that if a DC's 'genius' or 'very bright-ness' cannot be measured in any way currently known to man, how can it reasonably be stated that that DC is 'very bright'?

I was to understand that everyone, but everyone had failed said DCs by being as picky as to require some sort of evidence of brightness.

Well judging by the last check I have a 25th percentile for weight, 90th percentile for height, 98th percentile for head size toddler with freakishly large feet, who witters on entirely incomprehensibly most of the time.

[proud emoticon]

He is, however, remarkably good at climbing.

Op, you're funny and right, and YANBU!
We never hear about the kids who can't get trousers because they're short but tubby, do we?

And 'very bright' also - 'my very bright child failed the 11+ even though people less bright than him passed' - and that doesn't tell you anything?

manicinsomniac seems to be making the most sense of anyone on this thread.

If your child was below-average academically, or had two left feet, or an enormous nose, I really hope you would notice.

That doesn't stop you from thinking they are the best child anyone could wish for and telling them that they are your world (and any other cheesy shit that you like).

But it would be ridiculous and deluded to complain that they weren't in the top set or picked for the football team.

All my dc are short, fat and dim as fuck.

Objectivity schmobjectivity. Every good parent secretly thinks their kids are the fabbest and those who make the mistake of telling the world about it are generally either insecure, worried or tactless.

Mine too, hully, mine too!

Depends what you mean by "objective" doesn't it OP? Objectively my DS2 is slightly above average height, slim, ginger, a bit gangly and plain looking. He is averagely intelligent.
Also objectively, his (large) nose is straight, his (large) mouth has room for all his straight, white teeth.
Subjectively his hair is spun gold, his eyes are ice blue, his smile is lightning, his long limbs make him look elegant and weightless.
He has a sense of humour that cracks up a whole room of people and plays jazz sax to break your heart.
He has legions of friends and the girls adore him.
Go for it everyone - no-one else will "big-up" your kid like you can.

Neither of my children are thin or tall. They are below average height and average weight. They do look fantastically healthy though and robust.

If you are 9th percentile in height - you are short no matter how thin you are...

For me it's the Grandparents who are the worst for this!

My Mother In Law is forever going on about my daughter and her other granddaughter...

"Oh she's been here before, that one"
"She's 8 going on 18"
"Oh she's so clever, adults can barely keep up with her"
"You've always got to be thinking one step ahead as her questions are so sophisticated for her age"

Er...no. They are both perfectly lovely, perfectly average normal wee girls. And that is just fine. They don't need to be told they are geniuses from the day they are born.

I don't go on about my tall skinny daughter (not subjective this, she is 91st centile height and 9th weight so pretty extreme) but do often find myself asking other mums if they know where I can get some trousers with adjustable waists/skinnier trousers etc as finding them is a mare, to be honest, so it does get to me sometimes, and I can't see how this could be gloating? My friend with a chubbier dd asks the same type of questions ie where can you get looser clothing. You'll probably find this woman is trying to make conversation and that is what is on her mind - seems a bit extreme every day mind you

We mums are allowed to be subjective, I reckon. I know dd's not the most beautiful girl ever but she is to me. I know ds is bright because his teachers have always said so, but he's also a little pita at times and he's short with it

Let them be, I think, and let everyone enjoy their dc and boast if they want. :)

YANBU

I totally agree and can't stand people talking absolute bollocks about their children when it clearly isn't the case.
It's a different thing THINKING your children are amazing than telling everyone who will listen how beautiful/clever/thin/sporty your child is when they are factually not.
I seem to attract people who do this. Friends/family who spend hours prattling on about how STUNNING their children are when they are blantantly average if not a bit on the ugly side.
Worse are mothers who go on about the behaviour of their children and how good they are when they are actually nasty little shits.
The vast majority of us have average children. I certainly do. My DS is good looking but not that clever and can be a bit of a shit. My DD is clever and articulate but a bit plain. My baby DD looks just like her grandfather at the moment so I'm not optimistic
My kids are amazing to me but I realise not to everyone else.

I'm agreeing with so many posters on this thread. As parents we have rose-tinted spectacles; some of those spectacles seem to have completely opaque lenses too. Yes, our children are precious to US and we scrutinise and celebrate every positive measurement (growth or achievement) and want to share it with the world - and be validated for it!

Hairfullofsnakes made the point about X-Factor and I agree with it. It's not a 'fun thing' anymore, it's become a programme stuffed full of people who can't sing, who've been lied to their whole lives by adoring family, and the contestant comes a cropper when the rest of the world fails to agree and see the 'talent'. As a nation of Brits, we're renowned for supporting the under-dog, and we do, but it only goes so far. We don't sustain them once they get to their feet.

And I know that it's the thing now, but centile placements were never a big thing when I was a child... now, they're quoted by so many parents, as if it's some kind of 'exam result' or achievement in some cases. Those placements are a 'snapshot', kids change so much and it's a comparison only of the people measured at that time and I think the data is skewed as a result of that.

I firmly agree with the poster who said that parents of truly gifted children don't mention it. When I was at school, there might have been one child out of the whole year who could be marked out as particularly gifted. These days, schools have a 'gifted and talented' list that reads like a class register. That's not helpful - not to the child and not to the parents.

I really do yearn for the days when children were just celebrated for being children, accepted for who and what they were without being judged or benchmarked by competitive parents. I know that not all parents treat their children either as an extension of their own brilliant selves or proof of something they themselves never were. I think it puts intolerable pressure on children.

I love my kids, whatever they are, whatever they will be. I have a genuine appreciation for other people's kids too - not the obvious and promoted stuff, but the glimpses of personality, character and self I see sometimes in any child. :)

Amen.

I'm half-inclined to go through this thread and count up the posts which say things like 'but my child is tall and thin'.... Tall-thin-centile-trouser-based-boasting always finds a way....

I know Joan, it does. I sometimes think it will be the new qualification, offered at Universities across the land.

I don't know why anyone takes any notice. Let it all wash over. Wheeee, bye bye. Who cares?