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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend using same name for her daughter - five weeks apart.

302 replies

wellamI1981 · 18/05/2011 16:08

So...my bub is just over a month old. When she was born my best mate obviously text to say congratulations and mentioned that she and her husband had picked the same name (Charlotte) for their daughter - giving the impression that going ahead with it would now be a bit silly. I have now found out that far from abandoning the name they are going ahead with calling their baby the same name.

Now I totally realise no one owns a name - particularly one so, so popular. If it were simply a friend's baby (i.e. not my best friend who I see most days) I wouldn't be as concerned. But it's my best friend...

So...AIBU to be concerned/upset?

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 19/05/2011 13:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadamDeathstare · 19/05/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunAwayWife · 19/05/2011 14:02

Would not bother me, although if I had had daughters I would have used the name of a very dear friend who died, It was a very unusual name. Most of her friends that had daughters used her name.

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 19/05/2011 14:56

Yes okay - I retract 'bub'.

takethisonehere - I never thought of that. I can specifically remember her going through 'her' names and than actually saying "well that's a relief" to her as Charlotte wasn't one of them, particularly with it being such a popular name. But yes, she could have been 'holding it back' as you say.

I suppose the thing I'm not looking forward to is people asking me about her baby when she's here. As I'm her best friend I'm sure to be asked all the details and I don't think I'll be able to answer without looking pissed off.

OP posts:
fiestabelle · 19/05/2011 15:18

YANBU - think when your pregnant and your baby is relatively newborn, the whole name thing is very important, as you have given it sooo much thought and deliberated for ages on a name, however, a few months/years down the line it will be neither here not there, the girls will just "be" their names and you prob wont give it a thought.

Ive loved my daughter's name since I was about 15, NOTHING would have made me change it, but I would have felt a bit odd about it if someone else close to me had used it first. Probably irrational, but I suppose we cant help how we feel.

Think your daughters will love it tho.

As they get older theres no way of knowing who their friends will be, you could end up with a whole posse of Charlottes!!

whiteflame · 19/05/2011 15:26

Bit of a bummer.

To be fair to your friend though, she texted and let you know she was planning on using it, when your DD arrived. So maybe their reasoning is they gave you the opportunity to talk about it/change your DDs name as well. And since you went ahead with Charlotte no reason why they shouldn't?

scottishmummy · 19/05/2011 18:29

its a lovely name,no wonder its popular
now dont dwell on minutiae. you have a good pal,who has been there before.an around the block mum.she can allay some of your 1st mum niggles that we all have. perfectionism is not such a great trait when your a mum,dont aim to be be perfect just be a good enough mum

so put this behind you.don't sweat the trivia
for sure as hell, very soon you'll have real significant things to worry about.and it wont be baby names

Notsohotanymore · 19/05/2011 19:50

It would not bother me.Life is way too short to be so petty.

hairylights · 19/05/2011 19:58

Yabvu.

claretandcheese · 19/05/2011 20:09

Why do you need to have a different name? It's not like it makes them the same does it? They are their own unique selves regardless of their names.
I have noticed that when thinking about people I know who have the same name I sort of think of them as having different names as I visualise the different people when I refer to them/use their names. I probably haven't explained that very well!

PumpkinBones · 19/05/2011 20:14

DH and I chose DS2's name at the 20 week scan. We didn't tell anyone what it was (or even that we were having a boy!) No matter who else had used it, we would still have gone with that name because we loved it and we spent months referring to him by the name we had chosen (when we were alone, obviously!)

bubaluchy · 19/05/2011 20:28

bit suffocating. bit odd, pull back, I would.

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 19:36

So the baby is born...no name as yet but she has text saying Charlotte is their intention. Not sure why she text saying this as you either go ahead and do it or not. Anyway - ive been honest and said I'll be upset and that i think our friends and family will think it odd. Haven't heard back. As much as I know it shouldn't as far as I'm concerned if she does go ahead with it our friendship will be altered. We are talking best friends here, from childhood - not some aquaintance from a mums group. And if I'd have called our baby Ava - her first daughter's name I'm sure she'd have been as equally outraged. Am I a bad person then?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 21/05/2011 19:38

Get over it.

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 19:45

Yeah I know - except I can't. It is weird.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 19:47

good grief get a sense of perspective.all this hand wringing about a name
you'd really forgo a good steady pal over this?how very shallow and churlish of you

you are talking about a friend from childhood? is your best friend so disposable?

regain your composure and get a grip

ChippingIn · 21/05/2011 19:49

No I don't think you are. Clearly it's not a name she's always wanted to use or she would have used it with her first DD and/or told you when she was telling you about her names before. At the very least, when you called your DD C she could have said if ours is a girl we are definitely calling her C because of xyz and you could have decided between you if one of you was going to change your mind or just get used to the idea of having two C's = the way she's gone about it is weird.

Mum & baby both OK? When did she have her?

HubbaHubbaBubba · 21/05/2011 19:53

How about sending her massive congratulations and just wait and see. It really isn't a huge deal unless you both live in each other's pockets and use exactly the same nickname.

it is a tad weird, but it's definitely not worth losing a friendship over. Please remember she's just had a baby (as have you) and both of you are emotional and in need of each other's love and support.

IdRatherBeInBed · 21/05/2011 19:54

i named my DS1 after a family friends son. Jack. When he was born (16yrs) ago i loved the name and said when i have a little boy (as a young girl lol) i was calling him Jack and i did.

scottishmummy · 21/05/2011 19:57

send her some flowers.get over this.its not worth the aggro
i can only think youre so attached to your own charlotte that you cannot imagine another.but thats not a reason to actively remain cross

this isnt a betrayal or some such
it is a disproportionate response to pal chosng same name

fedupofnamechanging · 21/05/2011 19:58

I think that if you'd chosen an unusual name and she'd only thought of it because you mentioned it to her, then you'd have a right to be upset about it. However Charlotte is not an unusual name, so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that you both had it in mind during pg.

I think you will damage your friendship if she feels she has to choose something else for fear of upsetting you and suggest that you call her and tell her you are over reacting and of course she must go with the name she loves.

I'm not saying you are being U to not like it and to wish she'd done something different - I wouldn't like it if my bf called her DD the same name as mine, but if i truly valued the friendship I'd try to see the positives and get over it rather than lose my friend.

Original poster
wellamI1981 · 21/05/2011 20:05

I don't even know how they are!! That's what's making the whole thing horrible - I feel too awkward to ring or text while this is up in the air.

Husband just pointed out - going to baby groups in this wondrous year we Had planned people are going to ask their names and I can't say 'yeah but we chose Charlotte first' and if I did would inevitably look like a complete prat/ a psycho. It's just so shit.

Level with me please - am I really BU? Really? Arghhh!

I'm not forgetting I have a BEAUTIFUL newborn though. Ah she's dreaming if milk, bless her.

OP posts:
dreamingofsun · 21/05/2011 20:05

agree no-one owns a name and if its a family name or longstanding choice its different. read this thread because our son's godparent did the same - though difference in age is more. for me it was about consideration to your friend - i would never have done this to someone as its decidely off in my opinion - so i wouldn't have thought a proper friend would do it either - though with us the person knew we chose a not especially popular name on purpose which didn't help.

only you can decide if you can forgive and forget. its soured our relationship to be honest - though we did have some other niggles as well.

dreamingofsun · 21/05/2011 20:07

don't think there's anything wrong in pointing out you chose it first

FollowMe · 21/05/2011 20:07

Poor woman. You've totally crossed the line now into being very unreasonable!
She is your best friend. She has literally just given birth and has said she intends to use the name Charlotte. She's obviously had the name in mind for quite some time and even told you immediately when she realised you were using it too.
I can't believe you've told her you will be upset and people will think her odd just after she has given birth by TEXT!
Your friendship will never bd the same from now on regardless of what name she goes with imo.