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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to only buy 1 present for a joint birthday party

172 replies

pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 16:25

I understand the reasons people have joint birthday parties, but why should I give multiple presents when my child is only attending 1 party?

My dd has just received her invite to a 4th birthday party that is from 4(!) children. Seriously, 4 children from nursery are 'sharing' the party. It is to be held in a local hall and have a bouncy castle.

OP posts:

Bumperlicioso · 13/05/2011 20:20

Dd1 had a joint party (3 kids) last year and we are doing the same this year. Tbh if it wasn't for the joint party I probably wouldn't have done one at all!

There were 4 shared friends but because they were our friend's kids we made it clear we didn't expect anything. With the other friends (different nurseries etc.) we made sure the invitation said 'dd1 invites you to her party, which she is sharing with xxx and yyy'. Though I think this year we are just going to send individual invites. I'm not sure whether people prefer to be warned that it is a joint party? I was astounded by the generosity of people though :)

oranges · 13/05/2011 20:31

you could just decline the invite, if you don't feel you are getting a fair return,,,

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/05/2011 20:44

I suppose it really depends on the format of a party. I remember joint parties between girls who weren't particular friends but had birthdays close together. It's a good way of cutting costs I suppose.

Assume that each 'birthday child' has the same number of invites, I think it's reasonable to buy a present only for the child who invited you. It's fine to buy a lot of 'pound presents' when children are very young but really, that's not going to wash when kids are older.

I see a lot of posters jumping on the concept of 'entrance fee', but it isn't. It's a cost saving exercise by the parents and not all of the children will necessarily know all of the 'birthday children'.

maxpower · 13/05/2011 20:52

YADBU. Just don't go if it's too much trouble to buy for them all. You seem to be justifying your position by saying when you do bother to buy presents you buy really nice ones. So what? A 4yo can't tell the difference between a £10 and £2 present IME.

Samjam10 · 13/05/2011 21:13

I could understand if the problem was purely cost, as when my son was very little and we were utterly skint broker than currently, even ONE present was a headache, and I always took just a token gift.

However the idea of an "entrance fee", "money's worth", "my dc don't GET TO GO TO as many parties"????

The party is to celebrate the birthday child's BIRTHDAY,ffs!! It is not about YOUR child's "right" to be entertained!

Glad I never invited you to any of my son's birthday parties when he was small. They were held in my mum's garden and had home made sandwiches etc, and home made entertainment me, partner and my parents playing stuck in the mud and musical bumps with the kids. You def would not have got your money's worth for a tenner, and would presumably have taken the gift back. And barred my son from any parties your child had as a result of the tat pencil set he/she would've got as a present.

And breathe.

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 21:49

"However, joint parties mean my dc don't get to go to as many parties, which I know they enjoy. "

Ah, for most busy parents, taking their kids to birthday parties is a chore.
The kids enjoy the parties, yes, but most parents would think 4 kids sharing a party is a great idea, as they wont have to be present at 4 parties, only ONE!
Most people I know are busy at the weekend spending some quality family time together, and birthday parties come in the way.

I bet these four parents are congratulating themselves for their good fortune having 4 children born close together so they can kill 4 birds with ONE stone.
ONE party to organize, not 4, ONE party to disrupt a busy weekend schedule, not 4. I bet they think other parents will be overjoyed!

But not Pingu. She has to find the money for 4 presents, and only get ONE party. Drat.

frazzle26 · 13/05/2011 22:06

What a strange question. If you only bought one preset, who would get it??!!

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 13/05/2011 22:14

Are you seriously that tight that you would turn up to a party with £2.50 presents for children because you think your child is being robbed of the chance of attending more parties and therefore missing out on fun!?
Given how shallow you are do you think you should contact the parents to check 1) what the standard of food is going to be 2) what will be in the party bags and if not up to standard then you can reduce the £2.50 further to compensate.
I hope that one of the 4 mothers is a MN and reads this.

Samjam10 · 13/05/2011 22:20

I can only hope I haven't been to dinner at your house, OP. The wine I bring AS A TOKEN OF GRATITUDE FOR INVITE, NOT AN ENTRANCE FEE usually costs a tenner or so, and I am way over 5 so presumably should, at my age be spending considerably more.

But, if I think the cooking/hospitality is crap/inexpensive, in future, according to your thinking, I will take the bottle back, or expect a replacement, obviously.

messybessie · 13/05/2011 22:48

I went to a joint party today, We didn't know the other child.

However I did still take a very small present as a token. DDs friend got a regular nice gift.

If we knew both children, then they would both get a proper present. I would never spend a tenner though. It would add up to hundreds of pounds a year.

How do you feel about twins? One joint present or would they warrant one each.

You sound incredibly mean spirited OP. Not about the money, but the notion that parties are there for the enjoyment of your child, not the party children.

Samjam10 · 13/05/2011 22:54

I don't know how to quote, but what messybessie said in her last sentence!

mumeeee · 13/05/2011 22:59

YABU. Buy them each a small present, There is no way I'd ever have spent £10 on a present for my childrens freinds, You can get some nice things for under £5 for small children,

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 23:10

I think, even divided in 4, the party givers, will have spent a lot more per child attending than £2.50. You want the other parents to talk about you behind your back, and discuss your mean spiritedness and greed? Go ahead, spend £2.50 on each child, and ensure you wont ever to spend even that amount on their children again.

mangle · 13/05/2011 23:10

I was asked to do a 4 way party for my son and 3 others. I said only if we divided the class in 4 and each invited our share and made it clear that presents were not wanted or expected for all 4! Joint parties can turn parents off as 3 or 4 pressies adds up.

JoyceBarnaby · 13/05/2011 23:14

I'm not looking forward to the birthday party years when there are mums about that complain about joint parties because their DC 'miss out' on a party or that anything less than a tenner spent on a pressie is 'tat'. I really hope the majority of mums are not quite as demanding or judgemental as this!!

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 23:16

I doubt it Joyce, never seen this attitude before so I think it is quite extraordinary! And I have two kids, 9 and 5 years of age!

JoyceBarnaby · 13/05/2011 23:27

That's reassuring, Queen!

MercurySoccer · 13/05/2011 23:37

YABU.

A present is to celebrate someone's birthday, not "in return" for an invitation. You give to give, not because of what you receive.

Poppyella · 14/05/2011 00:22

I think it depends on how well you know the children. If they were all in your dc's class and they were all therefore friends, then yes, I would buy them all presents. But certainly not at £10 each!! At aged 4! No way!

However, if your dc only knew one child and it was a joint party purely because a set of parents who know each other happened to have kids with birthdays at the same time, I would buy the child you know a slightly more expensive present and get a birthday card for the other 3 (assuming you didn't know them).

The comment that defies belief from you though Pingu is 'joint parties mean that my dc don't get to go to as many parties, which I know they enjoy'. What!

How other people choose to celebrate their dc's birthdays is none of your business. Joint party or not. They do not put on parties just for your kids enjoyment you know!!!! Your poor kids, how hard done by they are not to have parties every week!

Until that comment, I was trying to play devils advocate and see your point of view, but that just take the biscuit!!

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 14/05/2011 00:46

We have a home bargains (bloody love that book) Had a little party for my son today, in place of party bag shite I got 2 ITNG board books which also made different sounds on each page for 99p each and some flower fairies, dress up sticker books for 49p each.

They also had peppa pig sticker story books etc for 69p. Loads of bargains out there which will make good presents

olibeansmummy · 14/05/2011 09:46

So after reading all the replies all you've got from them is that you're going to reduce you present budget to £5. Lovely!

I also feel sorry for the girl who didn't get invited to anymore parties for not bringing a present as it's in no way her fault :( maybe her parents couldn't afford one or were tight but that's not her fault!

lockets · 14/05/2011 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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