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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to only buy 1 present for a joint birthday party

172 replies

pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 16:25

I understand the reasons people have joint birthday parties, but why should I give multiple presents when my child is only attending 1 party?

My dd has just received her invite to a 4th birthday party that is from 4(!) children. Seriously, 4 children from nursery are 'sharing' the party. It is to be held in a local hall and have a bouncy castle.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 17:02

pingu i doubt the parents were holding a party simply to get presents (i realise you do, but that doesn't mean others do)
maybe that's all they could afford?

anyway, back to you not wanting to spend £40... i think you could do well to rememebr that not all parents want presents anyway, i always beg people not to bring stuff but they do anyway Hmm as we just have too many toys and not enough space as it is... but ALSO, that people will not mind if you buy a book or something, that isn't expensive is it?

barbarianmum... what would you do if you had 4 separate parties very close together? just not go to some of them? if you can manage that why can't you manage 4 on one day? just wondering

I tend to stock up on bits and pieces in the sales, you can get some real bargains, and i have a big drawer in my bureau full of books and little gifts and stuff ready to give out.

sparkle12mar08 · 13/05/2011 17:03

You really are a heel, aren't you OP?

Adair · 13/05/2011 17:07

Am staggered.

feel like I live in a different world (and so glad that others agree)

A present is a nice GESTURE and convention. It is not necessary for participation - it's horrible to look at things purely on how much they cst or you are getting out of it. Dd was mightily chuffed to get presents for her birthday tea - she was just happy her friends were coming to play. But the presents made her happy because it was something to open and given with a 'happy birthday' and they were nice little things - no super expensive 'booty' just little things from Wilkos or poundland that she enjoyed. Tbh dd and ds give each other presents (pictures or things they have made wrapped up in newspaper) all the time and are delighted. Am glad they are so easily pleased.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 17:09

I don't know what you mean sparkle - what is a heel? Other than at the end of your foot.

I will be accepting the invite and taking up the links offered and getting a book for each child.

A number of my friends over the years have said that they hate getting presents for their children that are tat as they break quickly and clutter the place up! At least I would normally give something the child actually wants and likes. I would ask the parents what they like and get something in the range - be it a Power Ranger, Star Wars character, dressing up outfit etc.

I don't want to be the parent that gives tat, but yes as I expect a party for a decent present then these 4 children will be getting tat - unless I can find a good book for £2.50.

OP posts:
greenlime · 13/05/2011 17:09

They weren't necessarily taking the piss. Nursery parties can be really stressful and perhaps the parents had other things to deal with/worry about.

Hulababy · 13/05/2011 17:09

Is your daughter frends with all four children?
Is the invitation for your daughter from all four?
If the children were each having an individual party, would you thn buy them each a gft?

If yes, then I would buy all four a small gift. At nursery, for DD's friends, we spend arund £5 I guess.

To save money, how about buying a nice book set from The Book People and splitting it into four smller sets?

I have no idea how you could buy one joint gift for four children, presumably who don't live togther.

If you disagree with the joint party idea then you could always decline the invitation and then you don't need to buy any gifts. Simple solution.

Hulababy · 13/05/2011 17:09

spent not spend. It is a while snce DD was nursery age.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/05/2011 17:10

Wow.

Just... Wow.

captainbarnacle · 13/05/2011 17:12

Shit. I'm glad I've read this.

I am currently planning a joint party with a friend - our DCs will be 5yrs two days apart in august. At this time I will either have a newborn baby or I will be 12 days overdue! And seeing as our kids are in the same class at school it seemed to make sense and we could invite everyone.

But, she has twin girls and I have one boy. I hadn't thought of the present buying thing - I will have to put heads together and come up with a plan because I'd hate for some of the parents to be thinking like the OP.

Jojocat · 13/05/2011 17:12

why not club together with another mum and buy 2 presents each and label each from your dc and their dc?

glendathegoodwitch · 13/05/2011 17:13

OM actual G!!!!!

getting your money's worth???? no cake?????

how can you charge an "entrance fee" to a birthday party???

i had a birthday party for DD because i want her to have what i didnt, also I want her to make friends and have a fabulous time - i didnt expect presents (whether £2 worth or £20 worth) from anyone i just wanted her school & family friends to come over and celebrate her 5th bithday and any presents she got was a huge bonus!!!!

the message your giving your children is to expect something - i went to a kids party once and the snotty faced brat looked at something she was given in disgust and declared that it was tat - i actively encouraged my DC not to go near such a selfish cow again!!!!

whether its the tooth fairy, easter bunny, birthday time, christmas or just because my DC are appreciative of anything they get.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 17:13

I can't understand why few of you can see my pov. Yes if each child had an individual party, they would get individual presents for £10ish each. However, in return my dd would get to attend 4 parties. As she only gets to attend 1 party, I spend far less on each child, which I don't like doing as this normally means the child gets tat and the parents have to find somewhere for the tat to be stored.

TBH, if the party was shared between 2 children, I would probably spend £10 on each child. I just feel they are taking the piss sharing with 4 children.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 13/05/2011 17:14

Having read some of your later posts I am pretty shocked tbh. You really do expect everyone to meet certain standards in order to deserve their present don't you? I am suprised you don't work out exactly how much per head the party costs the parents and only spent that amount max on the gift tbh!!!

Giving a gift is supposed to be a nice gesture, something you do to be nice to te birthday child.

It should not be related to how much the parents can afford or are willing to pay on a party.

Not everyone can afford to spend £10 or child on parties, nor on gifts!

I think you need to take a serious look at your attitude tbh, because it is certainly not the kind of attitde you want to be passing on to your own chidren!

MackerelOfFact · 13/05/2011 17:14

You have an appalling attitude. Of course the gift is in part a reciprocation of the hospitality of the party, but why on earth does the value of the gift have to correspond with the cost of the party? Do you go up to the parents and demand a breakdown of expenses, work out how much of that applies to your DD, divide it by the number of guests and than subtract 50% since the birthday child will derive most of the enjoyment - and then buy a gift for that amount?

Just go to Poundland and get some books or craft kits or something.

hester · 13/05/2011 17:14

Of course there is some kind of connection between the party and the present. In just the same way as we take a bottle of wine to a dinner party, or a gift to a wedding: the event declares the opportunity to celebrate the occasion, and we respond to that. It's subtly different from being an entrance fee, though.

I think it's really important to honour the symbolic meaning of the occasion by taking something. It doesn't have to be an expensive present. It doesn't have to be paid for, even. I would be delighted if someone turned up to my birthday, or my child's, with some homemade cake, for example, or a home-drawn picture. So I think, to use pingu's sister's example, that is was very poor for that girl to never take anything to parties. But I think it's equally bad that she was then 'banned' from them!

pingu, I understand you not wanting to add to the tat mountain that follows every birthday party. Why not get your children to help you make peppermint creams, and wrap them in a nice box?

BarbarianMum · 13/05/2011 17:14

thisisyesterday - in the unlikely event that it was ds1's 4 best friends (the ones I would buy for even if they didn't have a party) I would grit my teeth and buy but probably spend a couple of quid less per present. If they were not these best ever friends he would be told to choose a couple of parties to attend and we would decline the others.

MackerelOfFact · 13/05/2011 17:17

And how do you know that your DD will be getting less 'party value' at the joint party - perhaps they're all paying the same towards it as they would anyway for 4 seperate parties, and serving them caviar and giving away iPads for winning musical chairs? You don't know. And it shouldn't matter!

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 17:17

but hester, what if that particular child was unfortunate enough to have parents who just didn't give a shit? a child is not able to go out and buy a present, so if the parents can't afford it or just don't care about it then the child has to go to a party present-less.

i don't "expect" presents if we throw a party even if it is the social "norm" (although they are gratefully received if we get them).

hester · 13/05/2011 17:18

I mean, four boxes Grin

belgo · 13/05/2011 17:18

I would just be very happy that I didn't have to cart my dc around to four separate parties.

Hulababy · 13/05/2011 17:18

"My sister's daughter who is 14 used to invite the same child to her parties over the years and my sister realised that this child never gave a present. She spoke with other mums who said that the child never gave a present to any of the parties she attended. After a few years, my sister refused to let the child have an invite to the party."

Poor child :( Excluded from the parties because she wasn't able to bring a gift. Why should the poor child suffer? presumably it wasn't even up to the little girl whether she brought a present or not anyway. TBH I think that is disgusting behaviour from your sister, appalling infact.

You don't hold a party with the expectation of gifts!

When I hold my DD's parties I do so in order to let the children have a great time.

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 17:19

mackerel how i will laugh if the OP turns up to party and it is like that. and hosts tell her to fuck off with her cheap presents cos she is taking the piss, after all she's geting this fab party and she's hardly got anything in return lol

i remember someone on here dreading a party because the last one had had a coffee stand for mums and dads and much other "over the top-ness".
sounds great to me tho lol

BarbarianMum · 13/05/2011 17:19

Have to add that Hester's idea of making something (like sweets) is excellent one so we might do that instead (we do at Christmas).

Sassybeast · 13/05/2011 17:19

CaptainBarnacle - I really wouldn't worry - there are very few people who think like the OP Wink

FuppyGish · 13/05/2011 17:20

how bizarre! We spend about £10 on each present for nursery/school friend birthdays and always have done, they're 6 now. If my child can't attend the party due to other commitments we send the present anyway. If it is a particular friend of my dds then we buy the present party or not.

Your attitude sucks.