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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to only buy 1 present for a joint birthday party

172 replies

pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 16:25

I understand the reasons people have joint birthday parties, but why should I give multiple presents when my child is only attending 1 party?

My dd has just received her invite to a 4th birthday party that is from 4(!) children. Seriously, 4 children from nursery are 'sharing' the party. It is to be held in a local hall and have a bouncy castle.

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 13/05/2011 16:46

I wouldn't spend as much on each child, I normally spend £10, so would probably spend £5 on each? If you have a home bargains nearby you can get some decent gifts for under a fiver.

HSMM · 13/05/2011 16:46

If they were all my DD's friends, then I would buy 4 presents. If one was her friend, then I would buy 1 present for that child. Like others have said, I would rather go to 1 joint party than 4 separate ones.

dexter73 · 13/05/2011 16:47

Buy them one of these each and you will have change from a tenner.
Seriously though, your attitude is pretty bad Sad.

Mishy1234 · 13/05/2011 16:47

I think you really need to buy a present for each of the children whose birthday party it is. The only exception would be if you didn't know all the children, in which case you would buy for those you did know.

The only joint party I've been to asked for donations to the local children's hospital instead of presents, which was an excellent idea.

Potplant · 13/05/2011 16:48

Well if I knew all the children involved then I would and I have DTs so that's two lots. I've had people turn up to my DTs parties with a present for only one of them.

If they're only 4 then pencils and colouring books will do. No need to go over the top.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 16:48

If a good friend of any of my children had a birthday then I would get a present whether they had a party or not. But that is for a good friend, not for a 4 year old's birthday who are 'friends' but not really close, they are just too young for that.

If my dd had a party and all 4 were invited, yes I would expect a present from all 4. However, if my dd had a joint party with another child, no I would not expect a present from all the children.

I guess I do perceive the present as an entrance fee! My sister's daughter who is 14 used to invite the same child to her parties over the years and my sister realised that this child never gave a present. She spoke with other mums who said that the child never gave a present to any of the parties she attended. After a few years, my sister refused to let the child have an invite to the party. Perhaps my view is genetic!!!

OP posts:
Checkmate · 13/05/2011 16:49

Don't go to the party if you are too cheap to buy 4 small gifts.

compo · 13/05/2011 16:49

If you go in sainsburys they've got bubble machines for the garden cheap. Bubble wands etc
just get four of those

DialsMavis · 13/05/2011 16:49

So you want your moneys worth? you see children celebrating their birthdays as transactions involving an afternoons entertainement for you little darling. I would decline the invitation TBH. I can kind of see the problem if the other children were strangers but they are all your DD's friends. Vile.

ENormaSnob · 13/05/2011 16:51

thisisyesterday, so you buy for each if your childs friends every year?

I don't.

3 dc with 10 to 15 friends each, no way can I afford to do that.

Therefore we only buy for parties.

ThistleDoNicely · 13/05/2011 16:52

I think that's an awful attitude. I remember being heartbroken at the age of 12 when not one of my friends so much as gave me a card. The reason was that 'well, you didn't have a party so why are we supposed to remember your birthday'. The reason I didn't have a party like many of my friends did was that my parents couldn't afford it. But in order to get so much as a 'happy birthday' from any of my friends I was expected to host a party. Needless to say, they didn't stay my friends for much longer.

If you don't want to buy four presents for this party, don't. Get the kids a card or, even better, get your daughter to make cards for each of them. If she's been invited to a party and there are four birthday kids it would be really harsh to exclude one or some of them, yet their families would be very unreasonable to deny your child entry if she doesn't bring an expensive gift for each of them. But YABU to 'justify' buying a child a birthday present through your daughter having a fun time at a party. Very selfish.

Adair · 13/05/2011 16:52

In my present box atm (for schoolfriends/surprise parties/people we don't know so well) are
plasticine 99p
stamp markers £1

cute stationery set £1
new books from the market think they were £2 each
a few duplicate gifts
You don't need to spend a fortune (I usually combine things to make about a fiver's worth - in this case I would give one item). Dd would be totally happy with any of the above (and as it's her friends this is how I judge appropriateness Grin).

mathanxiety · 13/05/2011 16:52

The way the four party children should handle this is to split the guests into four groups and ask that each group give a gift to one named child only. That way everyone gets one nice gift form all the attendees instead of bags and bags of cheap tat from everyone. This is how it's been handled with every joint party my DCs have ever attended, even the twins and triplets we have known.

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 16:53

if it was a close friend then yes, i'd buy even if we weren't invited to a party.

if it was a "lesser" friend (ie, someone we didn't really know, whole class invite or summar) and we were invited to a party I would buy one even if it was a joint party

Bogeyface · 13/05/2011 16:53

OIC, so for £40 worth of presents you expect £40 worth of party?!

Turn them down. Far easier and will allow you to keep your outrageous tightwad attitude a secret for a while longer!

CointreauVersial · 13/05/2011 16:54

When we have thrown joint parties in the past we have divided the invitations up and made it clear to each child invited that they should only buy a present for one specified birthday child. That way, every parent only has to buy one gift, and your child isn't swamped with 30-odd gifts which they really don't need or appreciate.

That doesn't help you, of course! If I were you, I'd do what's suggested, and just buy something small for each. Be creative!

Remember, you don't "give to receive".

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 16:55

omg your sister actually stopped inviting someone just because they didn't bring a present?

that takes grabby to a new level!

Original poster
pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 16:57

Clearly most of you disagree. I'm not saying I won't buy any presents or just 1 of them a present. I actually enjoy going to a child's party and I really enjoy watching my dc having a great time. It is so exciting for them. I don't mind 4 weekends given up to parties for my children to attend.

For this enjoyment I give quite a nice present. I don't really want to give tat to each of these 4 children, but I don't want to spend £40.

I guess, yes, I do want my money's worth - or at least my child to get my money's worth.

My eldest son, when he was about 4, was invited to a party at a softplay in a sports centre. It cost £35 to hire the softplay for 45 mins. The whole of his nursery was invited, at least 20 children. At the party there was no cake, no food, nothing but the 45 mins in the softplay. I bought the child a really nice present - at least £10. In my view the parents had put on a poor show for their child and got 20 presents worth at least £200 in total. I felt they were taking the piss.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 13/05/2011 16:58

Have a look around
When I was organising prizes for a school fair I bought book collections at smiths for a tenner and split them.

Or don't send your child if it is annoying you so much.

BarbarianMum · 13/05/2011 16:58

Wow Op you are getting a hard time over this.

V. surprised that many people don't feel there is a connection between attending a party and giving a present. I guess they give birthday presents to everyone in their child's class? I certainly don't, only to good friends or to other children whose party they are attending. That seems to be the rule here, so guess we are all shallow and mean Grin.

I couldn't possible afford to buy 4x presents in one go (on my normal present budget) so would spend less per present or decline the invite. Turning it round however I would be very upset if I thought someone hadn't come to one of the dc's partys because they couldn't afford a present-would much rather they came empty handed or gave a token present.

galois · 13/05/2011 16:58

get a 10-pack of books (this for example www.thebookpeople.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/qs_product_tbp?storeId=10001&catalogId=10051&langId=100&productId=202168) from Book People for a tenner. Two books each and two to spare.

galois · 13/05/2011 16:59

messed up link here

ohnoshedittant · 13/05/2011 17:00

If all 4 children are friends of your DD then all 4 children should get a present. Just get them something little e.g. colouring book and pencils, book, pocket money toy etc. You can get 4 for £10 or there abouts.

I do think it's ridiculous to suggest that you buy all your children's friends presents whether they have a party or not though! Go to a party - take a present (even if your child isn't friends with the birthday boy/girl). No party - no present (unless your child is very best friends with the birthday boy/girl or family).

mathanxiety · 13/05/2011 17:00

By your logic though, if your DC threw up and had to leave ten minutes into the party you would be quite within your rights to take back your present.

How do you know exactly how much all the parties have cost? Why are you interested in making all of this into an equation?

cece · 13/05/2011 17:02

I am a bit shocked that you spend £10 on a present for a 4 year olds party?

At that age I would spend a max of £5. DD is 10 years old and I spend £10 on her friends party presents but they now only invite 2 or 3 friends so she only gets to go to about 3 a year now!

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