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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to only buy 1 present for a joint birthday party

172 replies

pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 16:25

I understand the reasons people have joint birthday parties, but why should I give multiple presents when my child is only attending 1 party?

My dd has just received her invite to a 4th birthday party that is from 4(!) children. Seriously, 4 children from nursery are 'sharing' the party. It is to be held in a local hall and have a bouncy castle.

OP posts:
hester · 13/05/2011 17:20

thisisyesterday: I don't think we're in disagreement. I'm disapproving of parents who don't give a shit - because it's up to parents to ensure these social conventions are met, not the child - but I think it's appalling to punish the child.

If I knew a child who never brought presents to birthday parties I would feel very sorry for them, not stop inviting them. Quite clearly, their parents wouldn't know or wouldn't care about social convention, and that is not good for their child.

Original poster
pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 17:21

I had no idea I would open such a can of worms. There are a few on here who can see my perspective but I do think that sharing the party with so many children means each child will be given not as nice presents.

I can't be the only mum who would gulp when getting an invite from 4 children and thinking - oh great - 4 presents to buy for 1 party!

OP posts:
OrdinaryJo · 13/05/2011 17:22

I'm actually stunned that some poor wee girl got barred from parties because her parents either couldn't or wouldn't pony up for birthday presents. How on earth is that the child's fault? Absolutely shocking behaviour from adults who should know better.

And YABU.

belgo · 13/05/2011 17:23

Pingu the reason why no-one can see the situation from your perspective is because you have an awful attitude towards parties and presents.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 13/05/2011 17:25

My mum always used to send me to parties with one of those boxes of maltesers, you knew I had arrived because you could hear the distinctive rattly noise it made. Could you not just buy 4 boxes of maltesers OP?

hester · 13/05/2011 17:25

Well, pingu, we might gulp, but in the same way that we do when there are four parties in rapid succession. That's a bit different from demanding 'why should I buy four presents?'.

Oh, and I'm sure you're right that the children will not get as nice/expensive presents. Maybe their parents are calm about that, because they reckon a fabulous shared party will more than make up for it and their kids have enough stuff already. Seems reasonable to me.

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 17:25

Spend a quarter of what you would normally spend on each child's present. After all, the parents spend a quarter of what they would otherwise spend on their childs party!

Adair · 13/05/2011 17:26

Well, maybe I would if i thought I had to spend £40!
You can buy nice stuff that's cheap but not tat. You just have to be a bit more imaginative- i don't think anything in my present box is tat. Craft stuff is always good as it runs out, baking stuff, hairclips... Better than a polyester princess dress that cost £15 IMVHO (though dd would be happy with either Grin).

Original poster
pingu2209 · 13/05/2011 17:26

Well I am so surprised that all of you out there buy presents for each child in the class of each of your children whether they have a party or not. I mean if there is no connection between parties and presents, this must be the case, right?!

Seriously, I would think it was very strange if my dc got presents from people who were not invited to their party.

The fact that I like to give nice presents, should be a great thing. Instead when I say I don't want to give tat, but feel I must as £40 on one party is too much. But £40 on 4 parties would be acceptable. At the end of the day, if I couldnt' afford £40 on 4 parties, at least I would have the choice of turning 1 or 2 down!

OP posts:
hester · 13/05/2011 17:26

Pingu, do you think your sister was reasonable to ban that kid from her parties?

Adair · 13/05/2011 17:27

Maltesers great idea (think they sell them in poundland). Dd was over-the-moon to get her OWN box of chocolates from a school friend.

hester · 13/05/2011 17:27

Pingu, you're being disingenuous. If you would prefer to caricature what people are saying, rather than really listen to it, why bother posting?

SoupDragon · 13/05/2011 17:27

Good lord, you sound mean.

FuppyGish · 13/05/2011 17:27

Queen - but thats not necessarily true (not that party cost should equal present cost anyway). I have done two joint parties and both sets of parents paid approx what they would have done for a single party.

belgo · 13/05/2011 17:28

I gave a present to my dd2's best friend at school knowing full well her parents would never give my dd2 a present and would certainly never host a party. My dd2 wanted to give her a present anyway for her birthday, and I agreed.

DilysPrice · 13/05/2011 17:28

I only normally give presents to children whose parties the DCs attend, unless they're their very best friends who aren't having a party for some reason, but the OP is completely out of order.

And yes, you can get a perfectly nice book (or two) for 2-3 quid, especially if you go to The Book People and get a heavily discounted set. Probably be appreciated more by the parents as well, books take up much less space than the mountains of toys they'll get from everyone else.

Top tip for emergency present drawer stocking is the Accessorise post-Christmas sale by the way - loads of lovely little goodies (mostly girly) that were a bit over-priced before Christmas but get discounted by 70% to bring them to very reasonable prices.

Adair · 13/05/2011 17:29

There is a connection.
It is a social convention.
A present does not have to be expensive.

magicmummy1 · 13/05/2011 17:29

I am stunned to know that someone would think like this. How ungrateful and mean-spirited! Shock

OP, you wouldn't be welcome at any of our parties!!

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 17:30

Actually Pingu, it is not 4 presents to buy for 1 party. It is 4 presents to buy for 4 children

TeacupTempest · 13/05/2011 17:30

Wont someone think of the children!!

My brothers are triplets and therefore always had joint parties. As far as I recall they all got presents, even if sometimes it was clear that they were perhaps a little less than a single child would get. It is each individuals birthday therefore each child should get a gift. End of, surely?

hester · 13/05/2011 17:30

Pingu, what about your sister? Do you think what she did was ok?

pigletmania · 13/05/2011 17:31

Like others have said, get 4 little presents fo each of them, try pondland, poundstretcher it the supermarkets, they usually have cheap inexpensive stuff

FuppyGish · 13/05/2011 17:32

Pingu - I didnt say that. Each child in dds class invites every other child in the class to their parties, always have. I buy a present if dd is attending their party (obviously), I buy a present if dd can't attend the party because we are doing something else that weekend and I buy a present if the child isnt having a party but happens to be one of dds close friends.

Seems fairly normal. And when a child cant attend a party due to other commitments then they are given a party bag on the Monday at school after the party. Never realised this was weird, just thought it was nice and normal.

QueentessentialExcel · 13/05/2011 17:33

Whenever I have done a joint birthday party, the invitees have been the whole class. So not a case of more kids to feed, or more partybags, or a bigger cake. Simply a party where the cost has been split in two.

My son usually shared with another boy, and it was customary to say on the invite (as was with all the joint class parties) "Please bring ONE present only, not two, as gifts will be randomly and evenly distributed between the birthday boys". So, each boy ended up withh 15 presents, rather than 30.

thisisyesterday · 13/05/2011 17:33

thankfully for Pingu if she carries on like this she won't be invited to many more parties anyway, so it'll be far cheaper for her

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