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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to ask how often you have sex?

76 replies

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 17:22

if you are married or in a long term relationship. my BF was in a 10 yr marriage were they only had sex twice a year if he was lucky unless she wanted a baby. he says this is quite common he said it was mostly down to her, but takes some of the blame in the end because he just got fed up of being turned down.
i find this to be an alien concept. was married for 10 yrs myself we had sex on average twice a week until things got bad. any info, insight? my bf seems to think its the norm for women to with hold sex i wish to prove him wrong lol.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 12/05/2011 17:25

YABU

nickelbabe · 12/05/2011 17:26

i would say 2ce a year is a bit sparse.

if both partners are happy with that, then it's not a problem.
but if one or the other is unhappy with it, that's when it's a problem.

nickelbabe · 12/05/2011 17:27

it's not "the norm for women to withhold sex"

a relationship is a two-way thing, and if either party was deliberately withholding it, i'd think there was something else amiss

MrsMoppet · 12/05/2011 17:30

YANBU. It's a free country (well, it is where I live ), you may ask whatever you like.

I have sex as often as I want to, as long as my DH wants to as well . Whether that is daily, weekly, monthly or annually is nobody's business!

AgentZigzag · 12/05/2011 17:30

Yes nickel, it's interesting he sees it as women withholding sex rather than not wanting it with him.

On purpose for controlling reasons rather than because they don't have a sexual relationship.

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 17:31

I don't think there's any rule, it depends on the time of the year here!! We're more, erm, active than usual as he's due to work away soon for 2 months so is rather keen to have a few in the bank before he leaves... I'm happy with or without if honest!

In our entire relationship (14 years) the first 5 were a bit manic, the last 9 have seen us go nearly 18 months without (1st pregnancy and subsequent child, plus me just not 'feeling it') and we've been like rabbits.

His sex drive is higher than mine (though I'm always happy to go to bed alone and strum the old cuitar - purely to go to sleep) and I'm pretty lazy... but we please ourselves and each other, if he's feeling fiesty, I make more of an effort, if I CBA, he doesn't make me feel guilty.

On average I think we're average! The 'romance' has always been there though and we kiss and cuddle a lot (in private mostly, if we ever try PDA I end up falling over) and have always been friends... he still makes me giddy, but being a layzee cah, if we haven't started proceedings by 10pm he can forget it as I'm snoring.

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 17:32

By the way, I don't think either of us have 'withheld sex' - we just haven't been in the mood - I haven't ever 'punished' DH by not sleeping with him, that's territory I find deeply weird...

TattyDevine · 12/05/2011 17:36

I've been married 10 years, we still get it on, but its generally on the weekend and seldom on a "school night" I'm afraid! But its regular and its good, and we are both happy. Twice a year sounds pretty grim to me, like things might be fizzling out, unless someone has physical problems or illness or some kind of extraneous situation like stress at work or new baby etc.

ReindeerBollocks · 12/05/2011 17:36

Withholding sex would suggest serious relationship issues.

Just not having sex may be differing sex drives and lack of communication.

Depends on the couple and the true reason for not fulfilling a regular sex life.

TobyLerone · 12/05/2011 17:37

Withholding sex for reasons of control/'punishment' is a truly horrible thing to do, by either party.

I'd say we do it an average of 4/5 times a week. Sometimes we are just too tired. Sometimes we'd rather just cuddle instead.

BimboNo5 · 12/05/2011 17:40

Omg 4/5 times a week? We have it once a fortnight/week

MichaelaS · 12/05/2011 17:43

I think it's normal for women to have a lower sex drive than men. I think it's horrible for that to be perceived as "witholding sex" on the part of the lower sexed partner or "forcing sex" on the part of the higher sexed partner.

As others have said, it's whatever the couple are happy with. For most couples, there is a level somewhere between how often he wants it and how often she wants it where both are making some sort of compromise (one restraining themselves a bit, the other making more of an effort than comes naturally).

Once you start blaming the other person for not satisfying your every whim you are treating them like a second class citizen, some sort of servant whose purpose is to fulfil your requirements rather than a partner whose needs and desires are every bit as important as your own.

Groovee · 12/05/2011 17:45

It varies here on whether I am well enough or not. Sometimes it's every day, sometimes it's every second day and other times only once a week. I never withhold sex but if I amn't well enough, Dh accepts that!

Original poster

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 17:47

yeah i found it weird he used those words too and questioned him on it, he said that sometimes they would begin to kiss or cuddle. but he might do or say something that she didnt like and that would be the end of it. like she was looking for a reason, he found the whole thing quite demoralising. he is a really good looking bloke funny, charming etc. couldnt believe i fancied him or wanted to have sex with him.
your totally right mrs m none of my business just curious i suppose and everyone has every right to tell me to go to hell.

OP posts:

AngryFeet · 12/05/2011 17:50

Apparently anything less than 10 times a year is considered a sexless marriage! According to sex therapists anyway.

Me and DH tend to do it twice a week but it changes according to mood. In the last two weeks we have done it twice because I was ill and tired but in a good month we might do it 3 or 4 times a week.

We both love sex which is a good start as it is never a chore :)

ilovedora27 · 12/05/2011 17:50

We have it 3/4 times a week. I dont think its normal for women to have a lower sex drive than men I think it depends on the person.

aldiwhore · 12/05/2011 17:50

Sounds like his ex DID use sex as a weapon.. its easily done but dangerous territory.

Maybe he needs reassuring and still is unaware that he has been played in the past? Not that you have to suddenly have to prove his past experience wrong by getting it on every night (unless thats your want) but its time to re-educate him, show him that the past is not the norm, and that however you two flow IS.

Being toyed with (in a bad way) isn't nice, and can lead to all sorts of headfuck and confusion... hopefully he already knows you're different, but if he does get mardy, you'll know that maybe he's carrying baggage from past upset/confusion and you'll be able to deal with it honestly.

Original poster

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 17:53

i suppose that goes both ways bimbo, i obviously wasnt there so dont know both sides but from what i see of him he is a sensitive guy cant really see him trying to force an issue, guess he didnt much hence why they only had it twice a year. i know he brought it up in counselling that would have been a chance for her to make more of an effort and for him to be extra sensitive to it.
that didnt happen and it worked well for me obviously lol.

OP posts:

Watertight · 12/05/2011 17:56

It has varied enormously for us.

There have been times in our marriage (post babies) when we were probably only having sex once a month - twice if we were lucky.

These days, I'd say we definitely average three if not four times a week. It could occasionally be just once in the week though, or it could be pretty much every day. It would always be at the very least once in a week though.

I can say with absolute certainty that sex between us now is the best it's ever been. We're now in our forties (have been together since uni) and our kids are teenagers so we have a bit more time for ourselves.

I find the "withholding sex" thing peculiar. I've never "withheld" sex. If we haven't been having much sex it's been because I've been completely worn out with the demands of young children and it's been the last thing on my mind - and DH has been understanding and/ or was knackered himself. Lovely as babies and toddlers are, I found those days enormously demanding and just didn't really have anything left to give by the end of the day.

I'm greatly encouraged, though, that I've absolutely got my mojo back, as it were. I wondered if I ever would, when my kids were little. Hopefully this may be cheering news for anyone who is wading through a sexual desert because they're exhausted with little children.

Original poster

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 17:58

ahh the sex isnt a prob for us be assured i dont really by in to the whole women have a lower sex drive than men thing either. he does keep saying that he thinks i am not like other women and i keep assuring him i am lol. but there are other issues to do with my reactions to things if i react badly to something he goes in to a little melt down thinking i am going to beak up with him because of the way his ex would behave. i have tried to be understanding about it but the other night i did lose my temper and say i am not your ex wife. i dont go spare over every little thing you do and it not fair that i have to watch my every reaction in case it upsets you, i felt a bit bad about it.

OP posts:

Malificence · 12/05/2011 18:00

Tell him that men often withold sex as a method of control or abuse , I've seen it often enough on the relationships boards.
Having a naturally low libido does not mean witholding sex, which is a deliberate act, whether it's due to resentment or other issues.
An awful lot of women in their 20's / 30's only fancy sex around the time of ovulation too, perfectly natural when you think about it.

ilovedora27 · 12/05/2011 18:01

I think it all depends on how you feel about sex and your own personal sex drive. I need sex or masturbation in order to relax to be able to sleep and unwind from the day. That has remained the same for me after childbirth and with a young child, and I have never lost my sex drive (so far!). I think when I dont have orgasms I struggle to sleep and relax/unwind from the day.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 12/05/2011 18:02

Angry feet is that really true!?

We have managed three times this year so far...

Original poster

cannydoit · 12/05/2011 18:02

that makes sense mal, know i am way more up for it round then. stand to reason that if women can use it as a tool for control so can men.

OP posts:

Zondra · 12/05/2011 18:06

When my dh is home usually twice a day at least.
He does work away for 3 weeks every 3 weeks, though & when he's home we like to enjoy each other & make up for the time we are apart!
Twice a year would have me phoning the lawyer for a divorce!

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