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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

paying for someone else's honeymoon...

308 replies

Mumtomaybebabybella · 11/05/2011 17:22

I can't decide how I feel about this.

I have had two wedding invitations this week. The first one had TWO gift list requests in it - one for JLewis and one for trailfinders.

The second one has a link to a website where I can make a cash contribution to the couple's honeymoon in the Maldives OR buy them one of a selection of things such as a massage on honeymoon or a boat trip.

I suppose I just feel that I paid for my own honeymoon, honeymoon meals and excursions so why should I pay for someone else's?

I should also mention that we would be required to travel quite a distance to the second wedding and pay for a hotel, etc.

It says on the invite that our presence is gift enough - but it clearly isn't , is it?

I'm sure I'll be flamed. I'm just not keen on paying for someone else's luxury holiday tbh, though I will do it in both cases.

OP posts:
CornflowerB · 11/05/2011 22:06

I think that whatever you are doing - gift list, honeymoon contribution etc you shouldn't enclose the details with the invitation - that is what looks greedy and grasping, because it is presumptious [sp?]. In my day Grin guests rang the couple's parents and asked whether they had a list and if so where etc. Or they did their own thing which was fine too - the best present in fact was bottles of wine to be put down and drunk on significant anniversaries, but not everyone is this original. We didn't get any toasters though.
Also, the 'we're living together. we have everything' is a bit of a red herring surely, because suiff starts to get old doesn't it?
I think enclosing the list or whatever is a bit like saying 'You can come to my wedding, but only if you buy me this stuff, or give me this money'.

CornflowerB · 11/05/2011 22:07

for suiff read stuff

muttimalzwei · 11/05/2011 22:08

I agree with not enclosing, then ring to ask about anything they might need.

usualsuspect · 11/05/2011 22:08

Thank fuck I never got married and all my friends that did couldn't have cared less what I bought them

mossi · 11/05/2011 22:17

I think i'm in a minority here. I wouldn't dream of attending a wedding without giving a gift. Neither would any of my friends. It's just etiquette. If I was in a mercenary frame of mind, yes I would think I'd paid for travel and a hotel. But the couple would have bought two meals and a shed load of drinks more often than not. And they would do the same for me by attending my wedding and making my day special with their presence.

I really think if you begrudge buying a gift you can't think much of the couple and you should decline the invitation. Gift lists are suggestions. If you don't want to buy off the gift list, don't. The days of giving toasters and kettles have gone. Most people live together before they are married and have these things. If not, they are a lot less expensive than they used to be and not really an appropriate gift. Only one person chose to give us a gift which was not on our list - we already had two of them and it sits in a drawer unused. I would much rather my gift had made the couple happy or was something they would really like - whether or not it be cash to buy a bigger item of furniture or a new kitchen, or put towards their honeymoon.

PumpkinBones · 11/05/2011 22:23

IMO gift lists should never go with invites. I don't have a problem with them per se - I had a gift list, I got married quite young and hadn't left home - but I would never have put it in the envelope with the invite. Nearly everyone still bought off the list though, not that I would have cared if they hadn't - but lots of people find it hard to choose gifts and want a wedding list as guidance.

goinnowhere · 11/05/2011 22:25

i just get the feeling that if it had been her friends, rather than her DH, she would not be so narked about it. I have never felt it is grasping to have a list. Just makes life easier for all concerned. However it bothers you, so just buy them an ironing board and be done with it. They can fall over the extra board all the time, and think kindly of you Grin. Life really is too short to fret over this.

desperatelyseekingsnoozes · 11/05/2011 22:26

Utter nonsense mossi.If a couple ask not to get gifts surely if you think anything of them you would not buy a gift. Surely it is etiquette to follow the wishes of the couple.

springpiece · 11/05/2011 22:29

mossi - I wouldn't attend a wedding without a gift either. But gift lists/cash requests with the invite are presumptuous and rude imo. Even if accompanied by some bollocks about only wanting people's presence and not their presents which clearly isn't true when they have also included a gift request. Fair enough if a guest says tells you that they want to get a gift and asks what you would like - that is the time to produce the list or ask for cash. Including it in the invite is begging imo.

xstitch · 11/05/2011 22:33

You can't win with weddings can you? We managed to offend people by not having a list. I don't feel comfortable personally with asking for gifts but as long as it is information on what someone would like rather than a demandI don't have a problem with others doing it.

mossi · 11/05/2011 22:33

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where gifts were specifically not asked for. But I really don't mind a list being put in with the invitation. To me it's normal.

springpiece · 11/05/2011 22:37

Sometimes it actually pays to be less grabby. MIL asked me and DH what we wanted for a present and as she makes gorgeous cakes I asked her if she would have a bash at the wedding cake - which she did AND they also bought us 2 weeks honeymoon in the Caribbean.

MelodyMeringue · 11/05/2011 22:43

For goodness sake, what is wrong with you all?!

We had a wedding website. It contained all the details of the day. If people wanted to give us something we requested vouchers (as we were planning to buy a house) and didn't want to store 30 toasters in a one bedroom flat. We also did the presence not presents line too and meant it. Most people gave us vouchers, some didn't buy us anything and one person gave us a wine gift set containing a corkscrew, thermometer, measuring thingy and a couple of bottles of wine. The wine was off so it went down the sink and as we would never use most of the items in the box they went to the charity shop. I think we kept the corkscrew. I feel very ungrateful but really wish they hadn't wasted their money!

goinnowhere · 11/05/2011 22:47

springpiece, I think that is just having wealthy inlaws Grin. I would also rather just get what people want. Whenever people go off list, they always say " I got a personalised nitcomb" or something and that the couple loved it, but they may well have just been being polite!

Northeastgirl · 11/05/2011 22:47

Normally, if I'm invited to a wedding I would give a present, although I think it's nice to encourage people to give to charity instead.

We asked people to give to charity and we didn't have a honeymoon. I wouldn't ask other people to help me pay for a holiday. I think it's greedy.

Could you just give to charity in lieu of a present, or will that go down badly if they're expecting a present and nothing else is acceptable?

YANBU

scaryteacher · 11/05/2011 22:54

I don't like giving money for a wedding present so would buy decent champagne in lieu of anything else.

We didn't send out a list with our invites but primed our mums if anyone asked. I still get pleasure from my china that I use each day, my microwave that is still going, and that in 25 years I haven't had to buy any bath sheets as the M&S ones people gave us are still going strong!

hairfullofsnakes · 11/05/2011 22:55

Ive given gifts like this and have no problem with it. Rather give a useful gift than one that will sit in a cupboard! Yabu

TotemPole · 11/05/2011 22:56

I don't see problem with what they've suggested or putting it in with the invitation. Are the guests supposed to phone the bride or groom individually? That could mean dealing with tons of phone calls, and how would they know if guest A has bought one thing or another. It's much simpler putting the location of the list in the invite and have the list at the shop.

Why buy something they might not want or need?

Even if they haven't lived together, the chances are they aren't still living at home with parents. So two lots of household stuff to fit into the marital home. They won't need another set of bedding or iron or whatever.

The invitation says presence is gift enough. The suggestions are there if you feel you want to buy something, it isn't a request or an order.

The good thing about the cash gift is if you only want/have £20 to give then you can do that. Much better than getting to the deisgnated store and finding all the under £50 gifts have already been bought.

springpiece · 11/05/2011 22:56

goinnowhere I know we were lucky but if we didn't get our surprise honeymoon I'd have sooner paid for my own in this country than had the guests pay.

MelodyMeringue I don't get the toaster argument - no-one would buy a toaster - they would likely ask what you wanted or give cash/vouchers. I had no wedding list. I got loads of vouchers, some nice frames for my wedding photos, some nice towels - basically the sort of things you can't have enough of. It was lovely that people brought gifts but I would have been embarrassed to ask for them.

springpiece · 11/05/2011 22:59

Saying "presence is enough" is just them trying to look less grabby though. It doesn't mean a lot when it is followed by details of the presents they would like.

MaryThornbar · 11/05/2011 23:01

I don't see why putting list info in the invitation is 'asking' for a gift - surely it is merely providing the details to those who want to buy the couple something, and the majority of people do want to buy gifts for weddings. It is information, not a demand.

I just don't understand the sour grapes attitudes on this thread. Why get so het up about it - if you don't like it, don't spend money on the sodding honeymoon, and buy them some shite that you think would be better, or nothing at all - the couple really won't care.

TotemPole · 11/05/2011 23:02

I read it as, don't feel obliged to buy a gift.

The cost per head of the wedding guests will work out more than the value of the gifts they receive from most people. If they're are that materialistic, wouldn't it work out cheaper to invite fewer people and spend the money saved on the honeymoon.

WowOoo · 11/05/2011 23:04

We've recently received a sincere and lovely thank you letter from a couple we gave money to at their wedding.

They've lived together for 12 years. They don't need any gifts or stuff for their house, but their honeymoon was a once in a lifetime thing. Made possible by the guests.

I've no problem giving cash at all and have never thought it rude, just practical.

rainbowrain · 11/05/2011 23:05

In our tradition every guest gives money anyway. Normally everyone gives around £50-100 each as you feel embarrassed otherwise, or at least give around the amount per head so it's as though you at least pay for yourself if not a bit more for the couple. You have to remember the couple normally spend a lot per guest so it's nice etiquette to bring something. And the couple are usually friends/family, not entire strangers!

Nell799 · 11/05/2011 23:15

Surely if you go to a wedding , then the people are your friends or family ? People you care about ? So why on earth do people debate about how grabby a couple are being , if they put a gift list or money request in with an invite ? I struggle visualizing what kind of person begrudges giving to a friend or family member , some one they care about , a token , to help them celebrate their special day . If you dislike or don't really care for them , do them a favour and don't go , so that they don't waste the money on you . You may be taking up a space of somebody who does care for them .