to think that basic social skills have for the most part gone out the window

[ohboob]

I recently joined a craft group. I've been about 5/6 times. Everyone is very nice and friendly. They are all intelligent, university educated, mostly married, kind people. And yet every single time I go I get very brief hello's from all of them but no one ever says 'how are you' or asks the new people in the group their names or introduces themselves. I've seen 3 people start coming since I joined and all have had the same reaction. I find it so rude. They literally just sit there. My first week another new person joined and despite the fact that it was my first evening I was the only person to welcome her and ask her how she was, and how long she had been doing her craft for, where she was from, etc. etc.

Surely that is just basic manners (and social etiquette) to say hello and introduce yourself, so that the new person feels welcome? And then to ask them a bit about themselves and maybe tell them what they are working on. There are anywhere from 5 people in the group to 15 each week.

I took a friend with my last night who was really interested in joining and she had the same reaction. People looked up and said a brief hello and then just carried on working and chatting amongst themselves. It takes place in a pub and the whole point of the group is supposed to be the social side. My friend said that if she had turned up by herself she wouldn't return because it felt so unwelcoming. The very first week I joined it was the same and if I wasn't chatty and comfortable with just jumping in and making conversation I could have easily sat there all evening with no one talking to me at all and without knowing a single name of anyone there.

The funny thing is that if I make conversation and ask people how they are they start chatting and all are very friendly, so it boggles me as to why they are so rude initially. Do we just not learn manners anymore? I've come across this problem a lot with my generation (late twenties, early thirties) and it is just not how I was brought up. Very few people seem to have the basic social skills. Ironically one of the women last night was saying that she was terrified when she first joined because it's daunting walking into a group of strangers (as I found it when I joined) but she still wasn't welcoming to my friend who was in the same position as she had once been in. Why do people not connect that if they have found it hard, then others will and they need to make the effort to smile and say hello.

Gah! This is really bugging me. I don't know if it is shyness or rudeness.

lequeen, yes think your right, its a waste of time.
btw do you know of any nice red external paint, i want to paint my front door red, a sort inbetween bright red and dark red.

i know your a bit of a paint expert!
but perhaps you know more about internal paints in more muted shades

lequeen, i thought that might be the case
i can imagine you going more for a subtle sage/olive green
i suppose i'll have to try a couple.

@boffinmum

Yes, I think that behaviour is everywhere. It's bullying due to jealousy by the sound of it. Probably really grates on some people that you are both bright and attractive.

I think LeQueen is onto something when she says a lot of people won't pursue a friendship with someone who outshines them. tbh I would feel awkward with someone intellectually superior as I would be worried they would think me stupid and boring.

yes it does sound lovely

God this thread is depressing. Do you think it is just women who are like this?

lequeen,how is your front door painted on the reverse?
i'm not sure if i should paint the colour just on the front, and paint the back white.
it will only be visable from the hall so no big deal either way really.

i think the sage green would look great with the dark slate

Really? But i get on with loads of people and have lots of friends and am extremely clever and educated and beautiful and funny and thin

Mudandmayhem, what women? Like what? Are you talking about some women who are rude and unfriendly? Because I would imagine there are some men who are unfriendly and rude too. That's life. I think some people find it easier to chat inane frippery than others. Men and women.

PS LeQueen, your door/hall sounds lovely. Our door is a hideous plastic double glazed monstrosity - any idea how to make it less er... ornate?

I think I've a fair few friends, quite eclectic in their spread, but I can also think of a lot of times when people have been very cliquey towards me, verging on nastiness. If this happens I tend to retreat to my inner circle of friends whom I have had for a very long time.

I think women do this a lot, lot more than men. It's probably something to do with rivals for mating or something.

Boffin, I think it makes sense to be friendly with people who are nice to you!

LeQueen, no stained glass, just fancy curly etched glass. Have fantasised about replacing whole thing with wood... hmmm... will investigate... Could do curtain on this side actually... Our hall is ok tbh. (Won't mention the er... large plaster wall plaque and cornicing [eek])

I'm in the same mind frams as OP. I like to make small talk, especially to new people. I found when I came to the UK, there was a different social ettiquette involved with initial meetings of people. I'm from a very extroverted culture and found it daunting to be amoungst such tight-lippedness. I took it personally until I realized that it is just this culture and that once the nut is cracked, the people here are just as nice as any others. But it can be a tough nut sometimes!

I'm very good at small talk and meeting people and as others have said I can be relied upon to be the 'social glue' at events.

Luckily I'm not gawjus or frighteningly intelligent so no one has ever been nasty to me

A friend of mine's fiancee invited me on her hen do. I knew one other shy/dull girl there. I was introduced as 'This is BorderBinLiner she'e wacky', a terrible thing to say, I don't wear fancy dress, I'm just interested in people and have an unusual job. That evening I was truely expected to sing for my supper, the other women were rude, stayed talking in ones and twos all evening. Two left before the bill arrived at the restaurant and several more cleared off despite the fact it was only 9.45 pm.

I did n't know the Hen well but I felt it was polite and my duty to 'have fun', talk to others, include people and focus on the event rather then texting and leaving early.

Thankfully it was just an evening meal rather then a weekend away. That was 15 years ago now so not necessarily a new thing.