I'm in the middle of a big rift with DP following a visit from his mother over the weekend. I am 31+4 and it's our first pregnancy after 10yrs of ttc, a mc and about a yr of IVF before our BFP. We didn't tell MIL about our inf problems, but we know she found out from another family member because she has mentioned it a number of times, though still acts as if she doesn't know at other times (she is neither the sharpest tool nor my best friend, as you can probably tell...) Anyway - she basically knows what a big deal this pg is for us and it's her third grandchild, but she is still acting a bit like it's her own child and it's annoying me! Sorry this is long (and hardly original) but I need a rant.
Firstly, she decided almost as soon as she found out I was pg that it was a boy and she was excited as this was what she wanted. This was the first thing that annoyed me - my experiences with my mc and inf have made me particularly cynical with people thinking they are a bit spiritual/psychic when it comes to conception, and to me this kind of comment is rather offensive as it implies that she thinks she has a superior connection to my child than I do. It is indeed a boy and she has been gloating ever since.
The second thing is that she has been going on and on to my DP about what she has seen in the shops and what she is going to buy. Though I've done a very basic nursery list, I haven't brought anything home yet, nor shopped for any nice extras, as this is something I wanted to leave as late as possible when I know all is well. Also, I have waited a long time to choose things for my nursery and baby and it's probably going to be my only chance! I was therefore a bit put out when MIL came to visit at the weekend and brought something with her...
During the weekend she told my partner that he was to phone her as soon as I went into labour - I immediately said that I would not even be telling my own mother as it might be a long labour and she might turn up at the hospital (ha ha - hint hint) - but she said that her daughter's labour had only been ten mins (my DP and FIL then pointed out that it was in fact 17 hrs but that she didn't tell anyone - MIL chose not to hear this). She got a bit stroppy, saying that she couldn't come to the hospital (she lives too far away) and I said that labour could go on for ages and might (!) be a very stressful time, so it would be difficult to update everyone all the time (point made, I feel!).
Finally, during an anecdote about a recent run-in we had with a rude cashier in the bank, she said, "I hope my little man wasn't getting stressed out", as if I had been terribly irresponsible to allow this to happen. I deliberately "misunderstood" her and gestured towards my DP, saying that he was quite calm and just worried about me - and she said no, she meant "her little man" (pointing at my bump). I said no, that was her little man and this was mine (ha ha gritted teeth). As she left, she said the next time she would be seeing us, she would have her grandson. I said yes, we might have a child, too;)
All was left amicable. I totally get that there are far worse MILs out there and that she is basically a nice though slightly insensitive woman who is excited about her new grandchild (whilst I am a fairly irrational creature who has been embittered by infertility!). I do however feel a bit crowded out by her as she seems to have no awareness that the baby is going to be our desperately long awaited child first and her (third!) grandchild second. Hopefully, though she did not pick up on my attempts to set her straight this weekend, my lovely, sensitive FIL will have, and will gently remind her of the need to remember her place!
So what's the issue? It's my DP. He refuses to acknowledge that I have any right to feel pushed out by his mother. I mentioned the things that have annoyed me about her - but he says I am wrong to feel like this. I have made it clear that I don't think she is horrible or deliberately trying to push me out, but that I have an emotional response to her behaviour - but he's just angry at what he sees as unjustified criticism of his mother. Last night he was shouting whilst I was crying. I now just feel really alone in this situation, and angry with him that he can't be supportive about how I feel - without judging his mother, who is clearly incapable of empathy. We really have reached a stalemate in this and he is just waiting for me to say I was being irrational and had no right to feel that way at the time, which I am not going to do. This does not bode well for the future.
Is it too much to hope for a man to see that his mother might hurt his partner's feelings, even unintentionally? What are your thoughts?