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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect support from DP when MIL has annoyed me?

160 replies

LynetteScavo72 · 09/05/2011 15:10

I'm in the middle of a big rift with DP following a visit from his mother over the weekend. I am 31+4 and it's our first pregnancy after 10yrs of ttc, a mc and about a yr of IVF before our BFP. We didn't tell MIL about our inf problems, but we know she found out from another family member because she has mentioned it a number of times, though still acts as if she doesn't know at other times (she is neither the sharpest tool nor my best friend, as you can probably tell...) Anyway - she basically knows what a big deal this pg is for us and it's her third grandchild, but she is still acting a bit like it's her own child and it's annoying me! Sorry this is long (and hardly original) but I need a rant.
Firstly, she decided almost as soon as she found out I was pg that it was a boy and she was excited as this was what she wanted. This was the first thing that annoyed me - my experiences with my mc and inf have made me particularly cynical with people thinking they are a bit spiritual/psychic when it comes to conception, and to me this kind of comment is rather offensive as it implies that she thinks she has a superior connection to my child than I do. It is indeed a boy and she has been gloating ever since.
The second thing is that she has been going on and on to my DP about what she has seen in the shops and what she is going to buy. Though I've done a very basic nursery list, I haven't brought anything home yet, nor shopped for any nice extras, as this is something I wanted to leave as late as possible when I know all is well. Also, I have waited a long time to choose things for my nursery and baby and it's probably going to be my only chance! I was therefore a bit put out when MIL came to visit at the weekend and brought something with her...
During the weekend she told my partner that he was to phone her as soon as I went into labour - I immediately said that I would not even be telling my own mother as it might be a long labour and she might turn up at the hospital (ha ha - hint hint) - but she said that her daughter's labour had only been ten mins (my DP and FIL then pointed out that it was in fact 17 hrs but that she didn't tell anyone - MIL chose not to hear this). She got a bit stroppy, saying that she couldn't come to the hospital (she lives too far away) and I said that labour could go on for ages and might (!) be a very stressful time, so it would be difficult to update everyone all the time (point made, I feel!).
Finally, during an anecdote about a recent run-in we had with a rude cashier in the bank, she said, "I hope my little man wasn't getting stressed out", as if I had been terribly irresponsible to allow this to happen. I deliberately "misunderstood" her and gestured towards my DP, saying that he was quite calm and just worried about me - and she said no, she meant "her little man" (pointing at my bump). I said no, that was her little man and this was mine (ha ha gritted teeth). As she left, she said the next time she would be seeing us, she would have her grandson. I said yes, we might have a child, too;)
All was left amicable. I totally get that there are far worse MILs out there and that she is basically a nice though slightly insensitive woman who is excited about her new grandchild (whilst I am a fairly irrational creature who has been embittered by infertility!). I do however feel a bit crowded out by her as she seems to have no awareness that the baby is going to be our desperately long awaited child first and her (third!) grandchild second. Hopefully, though she did not pick up on my attempts to set her straight this weekend, my lovely, sensitive FIL will have, and will gently remind her of the need to remember her place!

So what's the issue? It's my DP. He refuses to acknowledge that I have any right to feel pushed out by his mother. I mentioned the things that have annoyed me about her - but he says I am wrong to feel like this. I have made it clear that I don't think she is horrible or deliberately trying to push me out, but that I have an emotional response to her behaviour - but he's just angry at what he sees as unjustified criticism of his mother. Last night he was shouting whilst I was crying. I now just feel really alone in this situation, and angry with him that he can't be supportive about how I feel - without judging his mother, who is clearly incapable of empathy. We really have reached a stalemate in this and he is just waiting for me to say I was being irrational and had no right to feel that way at the time, which I am not going to do. This does not bode well for the future.
Is it too much to hope for a man to see that his mother might hurt his partner's feelings, even unintentionally? What are your thoughts?

OP posts:
sleepingsowell · 09/05/2011 15:45

thing is cookcleaner, the couple have never spoken to the mother about their ten years of difficulties. It's a little much to expect her to understand the finer points of what is and isn't acceptable to bring when she hasn't been even 'officially' told about what's happened.

NinkyNonker · 09/05/2011 15:48

Yabu, but I understand why. She is a little overbearing and you just want everyone to understand and acknowledge that this pregnancy means the world to you and is a huge deal, I get that totally. Just enjoy having someone else to be excited with, and don't phone when you go into labour!

stillfrazzled · 09/05/2011 15:50

Be honest, would any of this bother you if it was your own mum? Threads like this make me, as a mum of two boys, terrified of a lonely old age :-(

DeWe · 09/05/2011 15:50

My MIL was so certain dd2 was a boy she knitted a blue top and bought a card. Grin

MrSpoc · 09/05/2011 15:56

Lets get this straight over the ten years Op has not let her MIL know what has happended and their struggle (this must of been hard on her husband not to talk it through with his mum, but I bet the Op told her own mother.) but she has still told other members of her husbands family. How is she meant to know?

Exactly what has the MIL done for you not to like her?

BanalChelping · 09/05/2011 15:56

I can see how your MIL might be irritating and how you might feel that she is overstepping the mark but I think you are being a bit bonkers. If it helps I made a list of the only people who would be allowed to touch DS1 when I was pregnant. It came to 10, including DH and I Grin.

As for your DH, unless his mother is Lucretia Borgia he is unlikely to hear a word said against her. I find it's best to just avoid all mention of the MIL, least said and all that.

TandB · 09/05/2011 15:57

I think YAB a bit U - it sounds like she is just very excited.
However, you can't help being irritated - one thing you said struck a chord with me - about her perceived connection to the baby. A friend of mine's MIL was always telling her what her unborn babies were thinking and doing and wanting her to eat etc and it drove her nuts. She used to get into ridiculous arguments with her MIL about what the babies were actually doing! Grin

stream · 09/05/2011 15:58

YANBU AT ALL. Can't believe some of the other reactions.

Your mil sounds insensitive and thoughtless. Did she have her mil at the birth of her son?

Your dp shouted at his pregnant wife. Nice words fail me.

midori1999 · 09/05/2011 16:01

I think some people are giving you an unreasonably hard time, but I do agree you are being a bit unreasonable.

In pregnancy, especially after a difficult time beforehand, things get blown out of all proportion. However, as somene who has a MIL who deeply cares, possibly to the point of being overbearing and is divorced from FIL who, frankly, doesn't give a toss, I know which I prefer. It's much worse to feel that in laws don't care less about your DC.

I would just let her get on with it. This is your baby, nothing can change that. He will have a Grandmother who cares about him a lto by the sound of it and that can only be a good thing.

TheSecondComing · 09/05/2011 16:01

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HappyMummyOfOne · 09/05/2011 16:02

Stillfrazzled, I hate these kind of threads too MIL's dont seem to be able to put a foot right when it comes to DIL's. Buy a presnt - wrong, take interest - interferring, dont babysit contantly - not interested etc.

It doesnt matter that its not her first grandchild, she can still be excited. Why should FIL put her in her place for her daring to be excited about a new grandchild. I'm with your DH, she has done nothing wrong.

cantspel · 09/05/2011 16:03

stream did you read the op?
The mil has already said she wont turn up at the hospital let alone expressed a wish/demand to be at the birth.

Annunziata · 09/05/2011 16:06

The hospital issue YANBU, but in general, YABU (but this must be a very emotional time for you).

Of course your MIL was going to find out about your inf problems if you told a member of her family. Can you imagine how hurt she must have been when she realised she was left out? And on top of that you don't want all the things she has bought and are annoyed at her for being excited.

ZillahWhoDrankTooMuchGin · 09/05/2011 16:09

When you hold your son in your arms you will think that even when he is a man you will want to know all his problems and help. It seems unfair that you haven't told her anything about the IVF etc.

And i really don't get this phenomenon of not telling parents or ILs when in labour Confused - it is something i have only ever heard of on MN - what's wrong with a quick call as you leave for hospital?

DuelingFanjo · 09/05/2011 16:09

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ZillahWhoDrankTooMuchGin · 09/05/2011 16:11

Please don't isolate yourself from helpful women (and men) - having babies and small children can be a lonely time and you will need a support network, esp one who loves the baby.

TheSecondComing · 09/05/2011 16:15

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DuelingFanjo · 09/05/2011 16:15

Oh, and actually I think it's a bit nuts to want to know everything about your children's lives once they are adults. Why should she have known about the ivf? Some people like to choose who they tell about this kind of thing. When my son is older, if he has a child I will be holding back and won't mind at all if I don't get told when his partner is in labour. My own mum didn't see my son for over 2 weeks because he was in neo natal and then she got a cold and didn't want to pass it on. Nor has my mum ever called my son 'my baby' or called herself 'mummy'.

Ormirian · 09/05/2011 16:15

Yes you are.

I can't see what she has done is that bad.

How would you feel if your DP expected to slag off your mother with impunity and be supported it it?

TheSecondComing · 09/05/2011 16:18

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Nancy66 · 09/05/2011 16:18

I feel sorry for some grandparents when the grandchild is their son's - their wives seem to do everything they can to keep them at arm's length.

DuelingFanjo · 09/05/2011 16:18

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TheSecondComing · 09/05/2011 16:19

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MrSpoc · 09/05/2011 16:21

DuelingFanjo what is nuts about a son discussing IVF with his mum? Its a stressful time he should be aloud to discuss some issues / worries away from his wife with people who he trusts. I be any money that Op discussed it with her own mother.

Newgolddream · 09/05/2011 16:25

Stream - have you actually read the Ops original message? Because at no point do I see Op stating MIL wants to be at the birth - just simply that she wants to know when she is in labour, nothing wrong with that, so I have no idea why you wrote " Did she have her mil at the birth of her son?"???

Also why do you think MIL is being insensitive and thoughtless - her DIL is 31 weeks pregnant and wants to be involved - she has no idea of the 10 year history of infertility - because they didnt tell her!