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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to expect support from DP when MIL has annoyed me?

160 replies

LynetteScavo72 · 09/05/2011 15:10

I'm in the middle of a big rift with DP following a visit from his mother over the weekend. I am 31+4 and it's our first pregnancy after 10yrs of ttc, a mc and about a yr of IVF before our BFP. We didn't tell MIL about our inf problems, but we know she found out from another family member because she has mentioned it a number of times, though still acts as if she doesn't know at other times (she is neither the sharpest tool nor my best friend, as you can probably tell...) Anyway - she basically knows what a big deal this pg is for us and it's her third grandchild, but she is still acting a bit like it's her own child and it's annoying me! Sorry this is long (and hardly original) but I need a rant.
Firstly, she decided almost as soon as she found out I was pg that it was a boy and she was excited as this was what she wanted. This was the first thing that annoyed me - my experiences with my mc and inf have made me particularly cynical with people thinking they are a bit spiritual/psychic when it comes to conception, and to me this kind of comment is rather offensive as it implies that she thinks she has a superior connection to my child than I do. It is indeed a boy and she has been gloating ever since.
The second thing is that she has been going on and on to my DP about what she has seen in the shops and what she is going to buy. Though I've done a very basic nursery list, I haven't brought anything home yet, nor shopped for any nice extras, as this is something I wanted to leave as late as possible when I know all is well. Also, I have waited a long time to choose things for my nursery and baby and it's probably going to be my only chance! I was therefore a bit put out when MIL came to visit at the weekend and brought something with her...
During the weekend she told my partner that he was to phone her as soon as I went into labour - I immediately said that I would not even be telling my own mother as it might be a long labour and she might turn up at the hospital (ha ha - hint hint) - but she said that her daughter's labour had only been ten mins (my DP and FIL then pointed out that it was in fact 17 hrs but that she didn't tell anyone - MIL chose not to hear this). She got a bit stroppy, saying that she couldn't come to the hospital (she lives too far away) and I said that labour could go on for ages and might (!) be a very stressful time, so it would be difficult to update everyone all the time (point made, I feel!).
Finally, during an anecdote about a recent run-in we had with a rude cashier in the bank, she said, "I hope my little man wasn't getting stressed out", as if I had been terribly irresponsible to allow this to happen. I deliberately "misunderstood" her and gestured towards my DP, saying that he was quite calm and just worried about me - and she said no, she meant "her little man" (pointing at my bump). I said no, that was her little man and this was mine (ha ha gritted teeth). As she left, she said the next time she would be seeing us, she would have her grandson. I said yes, we might have a child, too;)
All was left amicable. I totally get that there are far worse MILs out there and that she is basically a nice though slightly insensitive woman who is excited about her new grandchild (whilst I am a fairly irrational creature who has been embittered by infertility!). I do however feel a bit crowded out by her as she seems to have no awareness that the baby is going to be our desperately long awaited child first and her (third!) grandchild second. Hopefully, though she did not pick up on my attempts to set her straight this weekend, my lovely, sensitive FIL will have, and will gently remind her of the need to remember her place!

So what's the issue? It's my DP. He refuses to acknowledge that I have any right to feel pushed out by his mother. I mentioned the things that have annoyed me about her - but he says I am wrong to feel like this. I have made it clear that I don't think she is horrible or deliberately trying to push me out, but that I have an emotional response to her behaviour - but he's just angry at what he sees as unjustified criticism of his mother. Last night he was shouting whilst I was crying. I now just feel really alone in this situation, and angry with him that he can't be supportive about how I feel - without judging his mother, who is clearly incapable of empathy. We really have reached a stalemate in this and he is just waiting for me to say I was being irrational and had no right to feel that way at the time, which I am not going to do. This does not bode well for the future.
Is it too much to hope for a man to see that his mother might hurt his partner's feelings, even unintentionally? What are your thoughts?

OP posts:

activate · 09/05/2011 19:28

Well I personally think you need to get a huge grip.

yes you've been through a difficult time but wow cut the old bird some slack - it is her grandchild but you will be the mother - she is allowed to be excited, I'm sure you'd be pissed off if she was matter of fact because she already has two

she sounds as though she's attempting to be supportive and excited - and you sound as though you will resent any little thing she says or does - which is not sensible IMO

florencedougal · 09/05/2011 19:29

what activate said ^^

Original poster

LynetteScavo72 · 09/05/2011 19:36

Thanks people - I finally feel like people have read my op! I KNOW my Mil is just being her excited self and that she never intended to hurt my feelings, and also that I am not just hormonal but overwhelmed by the assumption from anyone that we will have a healthy baby in a couple of months when I can't make that assumption myself, so definitely oversensitive. Though we are not close and clash a bit, she will be a positive influence on the baby. My question was always about whether my partner should be supportive when I am upset - regardless of the rights and wrongs (and anyway he's home now and all is resolved on that front too:)) What has amazed me today is not only that people don't read posts but how ignorant and insensitive they can be with regard to infertility. Some people actually think the whole family has a right to know if you have a mc or ivf!!! And that your own feelings on this are secondary!

I really sympathise with others' experiences that are far worse than mine with regard to inf and Mils - the relp between dils and Mils is always going to be tricky because you share so much but may well be people who would live in different worlds if this strange tie didn't exist, but it's just one of those things in life!
Anyway - thanks to all contributors. It's been an education ...

OP posts:

chicletteeth · 09/05/2011 19:37

I think you are being a bit over-sensitive I'm afraid.
But you are quite obviously riddled with copious amounts of hormones and so it's ok.
I really don't think she's trying to be as pushy as you think.
Try not to let it upset you.
Just think, you could have a MIL who didn't give a shit and wasn't interested; so often the case for women on here

Original poster

LynetteScavo72 · 09/05/2011 19:38

Started that post a while ago and needless to to it related to slightly earlier ones (sigh)

OP posts:

stillfrazzled · 09/05/2011 19:45

Lynette, I think the problem is the word 'supportive' - did sound a bit as if you were wanting to be backed up on this issue, rather than having your feelings acknowledged.

And since it did (sorry) sound a bit irrational, the replies tended to tackle that issue.

It's a sensitive area for some of those of us with all boys (may or may not end up being for you, hope not as it's no fun ). FWIW I would be very upset to find out my son had gone through ten years of such sadness without me knowing - although no, I wouldn't expect my DIL to confide in me.

Glad all well now with your DH.

Mumtomaybebabybella · 09/05/2011 19:47

She sounds very annoying. I would get wound up too. Why can't MILs just behave themselves around their DILs. Try to ignore her, hard as it sounds, and avoid her if you can. Good luck!

Mumtomaybebabybella · 09/05/2011 19:49

Whoever said it's fine that he rings his mum when you're in labour, it's not fine unless you say it is, it's YOU that's in labour and don't want to run the risk of her turning up.

DuelingFanjo · 09/05/2011 19:52

but those of you with boys (and I am one) shouldn't assume that every bad MIL story on mumsnet is going to apply to you. Infact by doing so aren't mums of boys getting a little defensive about DILs they don't even have yet.

Also - I still believe that a parent should step back once their children (male or female) have flown the nest. Parents shouldn't ever expect to be told the intimate details of their adult children's lives and shouldn't be put out when their adult children don't vollunteer this info.

Isn't a great part of being a parent about giving your child the ability and sense to live their own independent lives?

Sorry to Hijack OP, glad you got it sorted and hope your DH gave you the cuddle he should have given you earlier.

skybluepearl · 09/05/2011 19:52

your mother in law is being a typical annoying mother in law but your hubby is being twit.

stillfrazzled · 09/05/2011 19:52

Mumtomaybebabybella, is it not his child too, then? So he doesn't get a vote? Given that she's not planning to turn up at the hospital she just wants to know how OP and baby - her CHILD'S CHILD, regardless of genders involved - are doing?

skybluepearl · 09/05/2011 19:53

why the hell is he shouting at a heavily pregnant vulnerale woman?

hairfullofsnakes · 09/05/2011 19:54

You know what OP you are entitled to be a bit sensitive! And she does sound very overbearing. Stick to your guns on what you want to do and say firmly but sweetly what will happen with regards to your boy. Treat your dh with kid gloves on the matter too. When the MIL talks about wanting to know about the labour just say 'we shall let you know when I am ready' and smile and repeat as necessary. Start as you mean to go on. I disagree with the notion that she has rights because she is the grandma - she needs to be respectful of you as the parents and follow your need. I cannot abide pushy gp's!

Journey · 09/05/2011 19:54

You're being extrememly sensitive. No wonder your DP isn't supporting you.

Your MIL is excited about the baby. I can't believe you were annoyed that she bought an item for the baby's nursery. I think you're losing the plot a bit.

Your MIL cares about the baby. Her phrases may not be appealing to you but she is doing nothing wrong.

I think you have issues over your 10 years of infertility. During this time you've kept it from the family and now that you're pregnant you're feeling exposed. You need to learn to share the pregnancy with your MIL. You're not going to lose your baby by sharing this happy time with her. Cut her some slack.

DuelingFanjo · 09/05/2011 19:55

I agree mummytomay... it's not even about stopping them from turning up. If a woman doesn't want anyone to know they are in Labour then I think that's fine. More normal than ringing everyone on the first contraction!

Mumtomaybebabybella · 09/05/2011 19:57

Of course it is his child! But it is the OP that is actually in labour and during that time IMO it's about her, she comes first. And if she thinks her MIL might turn up then she has every right to say to her DH not to phone until the baby is born.

Mumtomaybebabybella · 09/05/2011 19:58

And I should have said, your DH should be supporting you - you come first now.

DuelingFanjo · 09/05/2011 19:58

"I think you have issues over your 10 years of infertility"

ouch!

DuelingFanjo · 09/05/2011 19:59

how long before someone says 'it's not about her, it's about the baby and faaaamleeee'

misshospitalcorners · 09/05/2011 20:00

PS: I remember how mad my SIL was when her DS was born - she was having serious mastitis complications on one breast, resulting in her unable to BF altogether (long story - milk dried up completely, followed by PND)
This sparks MIL to wonder out loud - and laugh - why her DIL should have any problems BF at all when the good lord gave her 2 (boobs).

Insensitive? Yes indeedy.

It wasn't funny at the time but these are the sort of corkers that we just expect from DH's Mum.

sickoftheholidays · 09/05/2011 20:00

if you want my honest opinion, forgive your MIL's little quirks. This is her first grandchild from your DH, and may well as you have said yourself, be her last. This is an excellent chance to forge a really good relationship with her, get her involved. She may drive you batty on occasion (I know mine did) but I can honestly say my relationship with my MIL has improved 100 times since the kids arrived, and I now view her as a friend, a supporter, and an excellent
free babysitter whom I can trust 100% with my kids

I appreciate that you want to choose stuff for your baby, but why not ask MIL to come along on a shopping trip with you, and 'help' you choose stuff, even if you have already chosen stuff yourself, if she sees the general colours etc you are wanting, she is more likely to pick something that co-ordinates.
Regarding the labour thing, speak to her honestly, tell her how much you have struggled with infertility, and let her know how important it is to you that you and DH are alone when you have your baby.

PavlovtheCat · 09/05/2011 20:04

I just wanted to say lynette a HUGE congratulations! I did not know, and how exciting for you!!!

LadyThompson · 09/05/2011 20:07

Well, OP, I'm sympathetic, and I am sorry you have had some rather unsympathetic responses. I can QUITE see why her behaviour would grate and I can also see why you would feel particularly sensitive about it all, given the circumstances: thoroughly understandable.

That said, some people are just lacking in emotional intelligence, and your MIL sounds like one of 'em. It doesn't mean they're evil, or that they're not kind. And I think she IS just excited, but just isn't really thinking about how her actions/words affect you.

As to your DH, personally I do think he has to back you up a bit more. But he probably just thinks you are getting at your MIL and can't really see (or maybe even understand/empathise with) the finer emotional nuances.

Anyway, try to explain to him, and many, many congrats to you! Hope it all goes well.

hairfullofsnakes · 09/05/2011 20:23

sickofholidays makes some very good points

Bigglewinkle · 09/05/2011 21:04

I think the point is that you know you're being over sensitive abour your MIL but that due to extenuating circumstances you feel your DP should understand you're having an emotional wobble, and not take it as a personal attack on his mother. Perhaps I have misunderstood, though!

I don't think you're being unreasonable to ask for a bit of support from DP.

I'm funny about my MIL, I know its all my irrational reaction, but I do find her a bit too much sometimes and I haven't been through anything like what you have. Hugs x

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