...to expect support from DP when MIL has annoyed me?

[LynetteScavo72]

I'm in the middle of a big rift with DP following a visit from his mother over the weekend. I am 31+4 and it's our first pregnancy after 10yrs of ttc, a mc and about a yr of IVF before our BFP. We didn't tell MIL about our inf problems, but we know she found out from another family member because she has mentioned it a number of times, though still acts as if she doesn't know at other times (she is neither the sharpest tool nor my best friend, as you can probably tell...) Anyway - she basically knows what a big deal this pg is for us and it's her third grandchild, but she is still acting a bit like it's her own child and it's annoying me! Sorry this is long (and hardly original) but I need a rant.
Firstly, she decided almost as soon as she found out I was pg that it was a boy and she was excited as this was what she wanted. This was the first thing that annoyed me - my experiences with my mc and inf have made me particularly cynical with people thinking they are a bit spiritual/psychic when it comes to conception, and to me this kind of comment is rather offensive as it implies that she thinks she has a superior connection to my child than I do. It is indeed a boy and she has been gloating ever since.
The second thing is that she has been going on and on to my DP about what she has seen in the shops and what she is going to buy. Though I've done a very basic nursery list, I haven't brought anything home yet, nor shopped for any nice extras, as this is something I wanted to leave as late as possible when I know all is well. Also, I have waited a long time to choose things for my nursery and baby and it's probably going to be my only chance! I was therefore a bit put out when MIL came to visit at the weekend and brought something with her...
During the weekend she told my partner that he was to phone her as soon as I went into labour - I immediately said that I would not even be telling my own mother as it might be a long labour and she might turn up at the hospital (ha ha - hint hint) - but she said that her daughter's labour had only been ten mins (my DP and FIL then pointed out that it was in fact 17 hrs but that she didn't tell anyone - MIL chose not to hear this). She got a bit stroppy, saying that she couldn't come to the hospital (she lives too far away) and I said that labour could go on for ages and might (!) be a very stressful time, so it would be difficult to update everyone all the time (point made, I feel!).
Finally, during an anecdote about a recent run-in we had with a rude cashier in the bank, she said, "I hope my little man wasn't getting stressed out", as if I had been terribly irresponsible to allow this to happen. I deliberately "misunderstood" her and gestured towards my DP, saying that he was quite calm and just worried about me - and she said no, she meant "her little man" (pointing at my bump). I said no, that was her little man and this was mine (ha ha gritted teeth). As she left, she said the next time she would be seeing us, she would have her grandson. I said yes, we might have a child, too;)
All was left amicable. I totally get that there are far worse MILs out there and that she is basically a nice though slightly insensitive woman who is excited about her new grandchild (whilst I am a fairly irrational creature who has been embittered by infertility!). I do however feel a bit crowded out by her as she seems to have no awareness that the baby is going to be our desperately long awaited child first and her (third!) grandchild second. Hopefully, though she did not pick up on my attempts to set her straight this weekend, my lovely, sensitive FIL will have, and will gently remind her of the need to remember her place!

So what's the issue? It's my DP. He refuses to acknowledge that I have any right to feel pushed out by his mother. I mentioned the things that have annoyed me about her - but he says I am wrong to feel like this. I have made it clear that I don't think she is horrible or deliberately trying to push me out, but that I have an emotional response to her behaviour - but he's just angry at what he sees as unjustified criticism of his mother. Last night he was shouting whilst I was crying. I now just feel really alone in this situation, and angry with him that he can't be supportive about how I feel - without judging his mother, who is clearly incapable of empathy. We really have reached a stalemate in this and he is just waiting for me to say I was being irrational and had no right to feel that way at the time, which I am not going to do. This does not bode well for the future.
Is it too much to hope for a man to see that his mother might hurt his partner's feelings, even unintentionally? What are your thoughts?

sorry you are being silly, childish and very unreasonable

you would be bleating on just the same if she couldnt give a damn

then Wamster they have to accept that if they are going to talk to OTHER family members about it, that the MIL may be upset/find out anyway.....

Whilst I do think you are being oversensitive lynette I do agree with clam that maybe this is not so much about your MIL (who doesnt sound as if shes dome anything wrong tbh) but the lack of acknowledgement of your feelings from your DH. Regardless of whether they are right or wrong they are still your feelings and as such should be acknowledged. Not always easy when hormonal though. Maybe have a light hearted chat with your DH, the last thing you want is further tensions arising between the family at this exciting time. For the record you sound perfectly reasonable saying thigns like DH should be able to talk to his Mum etc - sadly through reading similar threads here not all women are are reasonable.

PS. You will not be worrying about these things when in labour - trust me

OP I understand that you feel cautious, but you MIL is about the unbridled joy. She has little understanding of what you have been through to have your baby. She is terribly excited, and IMO you are just being precious.

you cannot expect your DP to take your 'side' on this as she is not doing anything to upset you.

A number of times you made reference to it being her 'third' grandchild. Why does this matter? If you came on here saying that your MIL was not showing any interest in your child as it was the 'third' we would be saying she was unreasonable.

I understand that you may be finding it hard to feel the kind of joy and excitement you think that you may be should be feeling, as it has taken you so long to get here. But you can't expect your MIL to be understated, she is so excited to be having a third grandchild!

I am concerned about your thoughts. Your MIL should 'know her place'? That seems a little odd to me. Trust me, if she had the opinion of 'oh well this is my third grandchild so I don't really care' you would justifiably be more upset.

Of course she wants to buy things for her grandchild, even if they are not what you planned or to your taste. Get used to it. I do understand about not wanting anything until everything is fine, given your history though.

When you marry/have a child with a man, you also marry into their family. They are not yours, and often not ideal, they can be challenging but you have to adapt to it and choose your battle carefully. IMHO these are not battles to fight over.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, it will all seem a hormonal haze one day.

TBH I think you are reading far too much into her comments.

In what way are you pushed out?

You feel that you are, but you aren´t.

Sorry, but I don´t think that your husband should be agreeing with you if he truly doesn´t.

And if you don´t want anyone to know when you are in labour-don´t tell them.

she said 'my little man'

though 'little man' annoys me too

So what she called him "My little man"??? I call all my nieces My Princess - because they are. It does not mean I am thier dad. Get a grip.

YABU towards your mil but this is irrelevant as you should be your DH's number one priority and he ought to support you no matter how irrational you sound.

my DH never ever supports me in my "battles" with PiLs, he feels that he shouldn't argue with his parents, I'll argue all day, they bring out the worst in me.

Yabu

To be honest I am very close to my mum, but wouldn't discuss ivf with her, or anyone. If DH wanted to talk to his mum then fine, as long as I didn't have to.

Even though you have written your message from your perspective, you still sound like the irrational one. You MIL sounds rather nice and is trying hard to be kind. I think it may be your hormones.

That said, your partner was cruel to shout at you. He should have nodded in all the right places but otherwise ignored your comments about his mother.

Having re-read your OP, your DH was a tool to shout at you while you were crying.

And wot wamster said about the reassurance.

Your poor DH probably had a FFS moment when you started on about his mom. Sounds like she is very excited for you and your DH, and your DH probably thinks you are cuckoo for wanting him to take sides, when it is you are being unreasonable and his mom has done nothing wrong.
Your hormones are getting the better of you.

You need to let all those feelings go, life with baby will be a lot more relaxed and pleasant for you if you can.

This is really hard. Basically, I think you are over-reacting, but I think that there are times when we all react in an emotionally manner, because we are anxious about the future. You MIL does sound insensitive and is unlikely to change. I think you will need to always remind yourself that this is her personality, her issue, and not see her every utterance as a judgment on you. And you won't when you are feeling stronger.

It's a shame your DH can't be more supportive, but he probably feels that if he acknowledges your feelings then he's accepting that your MIL meant to hurt you, which it doesn't sound like she did.

It comes across that your MIL is getting carried away and doing a lot of toe-treading on, which is understandable. And you feel as though you are being pushed out, and it's understandable that you feel that way- you are your child's mother, not just an incubator for grandchildren (I'd have responded similarly to the 'little man' comment).

The job of your DH here is to be diplomatic- reassure you through your more sensitive moments, liaise with his parents about what would be helpful for them to get for the baby. Shouting at you while you were crying isn't excusable; even if he doesn't agree with how you feel, him getting stroppy is not going to change how you feel. Part of marriage and parenting is that sometimes you have to find a way forward even if you don't agree.

Your description of your FIL as lovely and sensitive is encouraging; if in the future you and MIL don't agree about how you are parenting your child he may well prove to be a helpful mediating/ calming influence.

I'm sorry, I don't think your dh should have been shouting at you.

I also think you're entitled to FEEL any way you choose. He can't change your mind and you can't change his.

He cannot change your feelings or tell you that you are unreasonable to feel any way.

Frankly, on an unrelated note, I think your mil sounds like a bit of an insensitive arse too - no surprise really considering how the chip off the old block is acting

You are slating the poor woman for
a) guessing the sex
b) buying it a little present
c) asking for you to let her know when it all kicks off

YABU...much!

Lynette - I can empathise with you, I really can. My MIL is the ever so subtle foot-in-mouth kind and I went through something similar to you when I was having DD (gender not known to MIL at the time) as well as after the birth.

When your baby arrives, he will be your son. Your MIL has had her turn.
My advice, if any, would be to try to accept it, ignore her and carry on with your own ideas and plans.
She obviously has cloth ears / selective hearing and if my experience is anything to go by then I'm afraid you are not going to make any dent there whatsoever.

Don't allow yourself to get upset and spoil the rest of your pregnancy, as well as the birth of your child.
I started to keep my thoughts to myself and didn't share them with DH. It's not ideal to pick at his own family members. You don't want him thinking that she is a victim in all of this so choose your battles carefully- I've been there and it is not worth causing a rift.
Hopefully your DP will see your concerns about his mother sooner or later, without you pointing them out to him (becoming a parent makes us look at our own)
Your MIL is only seeing things from her POV, she can't possibly know what it feels like from your perspective and tbh it doesn't sound like she would take much in, even if you tried?

In an attempt to make you feel better about the MIL you have - shall we compare?

My MIL constantly bombarded me with boys names and only made references to 'he' and 'mine'. It used to make me so steaming mad.
I was stunned when I found out I was having a girl because she told me sweetly for 9 months that I would never have one (DH's family have all boys).
On the day of the birth, when we named DD, she tried to get DH to change my mind and when he wouldn't (DH & I both loved the names to begin with) well she tried to persuade him to change the first initial as it happened to be the same initial as mine. She put on quite a performance with this and it was DD's first birthday before I actually saw her write the correct spelling.
I swear to this day she has never once acknowledged that DD is my own daughter. She introduces DD as her granddaughter or DH's daughter but never mine, or DH & I.

If your MIL doesn't live close to you, count your blessings. Mine lived locally for the first 2 years after DD was born - forever 'popping in' at the most inconvenient times (it drove me mad) but now there is a big bonny blue ocean between us

Enjoy what is to come - you are going to be Mum and you will have plenty of things to worry/ponder than what your MIL did or didn't mean.
And remember there is always always someone who has a more annoying MIL!

I hope everything goes smoothly for you

....

You really can't be serious about being put out by her bringing a present?????
You are going to get lots of stuff that doesn't suit your taste. Isn't it important that your child knows there are people who care about her? Children thrive with a variety of loving relationships - you really need to think about what is best for your child.
TBH, and I do try not to be too harsh on AIBU because I so often am myself, but your whole post is really, "Me, me, me..." and it sounds as though your MIL is not welcome around you.

Also, baby gifts are not a problem - you don't have to use them. My MIL gave my DD aged 4 a purple/yellow flouncy dress (baby-doll meets US toddler pageant via Walmart). DD loves it, has literally worn it every day for over a year, would sleep in it if she could...