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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is mum-in-law being unreasonable or am I?

141 replies

ospreylia · 08/05/2011 13:14

Hi, mum-in-law just rang to say that she would come down this wednesday. She did not ask if it was convenient for my husband and I, just announced it IYSWIM. Sadly, a close family relative on my side of family is about to undergo major surgery this week, and, frankly, it is not convenient.

To be honest, it is not convenient at all for her to come down but she has all the tact of of a brick wall. Is she being unreasonable or am I? She does live 200 a miles away and we do not see her often but surely this is a bad time and any fool with any sense would say, 'OK, I'll come down another time.'?

OP posts:
ssd · 08/05/2011 13:18

just tell her it doesn't suit

whats the problem?

gkys · 08/05/2011 13:20

Tell her you are busy and rearrange for another time, in fact get DH to sort it out, his mother is problem. It really anoys me when people assume that they can visit as their convience without checking if its ok. Arrange to be out wednesday [evil grin]

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2011 13:21

Agree. Just get DH to phone and tell her that you can't do this week at all.

If you don't say what you want, then she won't know, will she?

mitochondria · 08/05/2011 13:22

You have to tell her straight away, because now she thinks she's coming. I'm blunt with husband's family now. It goes like this...

Them - "We're going to come and visit you on Saturday"

Me - "No, you're not - we're busy. You can come on X date instead (if you must)"

I don't say the last bit.

onceamai · 08/05/2011 13:22

If you can't see her on Wednesday why on earth didn't you say that would be lovely but ... close relly is having major surgery and I'm not able to entertain you and will be too stressed to deal with visitors.

squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 13:23

does your husband want her to come down?

how would a family member having surgery affect her visit? genuine question as maybe having your MIL there would actually help as she could look after your children if you want to go to the hospital.

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 13:24

Yes, perhaps it would be a good idea to ring her and say that I hope she has a good evening with my husband and that if I don't get to see her I wish her a nice time. Not saying that I'll deliberately not be here but that I simply do not know how where I shall be during any spare time I have.

OP posts:
Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 13:26

Believe me, having her around would not help. I did not get to speak to her personally when she made her announcement- my husband spoke to her and now the situation has to be rectified.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 13:28

Does your husband not like his mother either then?

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 13:30

squeakytoy, For what it is worth, I don't exactly like my mum-in-law but that is not the point, it simply would not be convenient for anybody to visit this week-wouldn't matter if I loved or hated them!
I guess my husband can spend time with her if he wishes but can't guarantee I'll be here.

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 08/05/2011 13:33

YANBU It's rude to just announce that you're coming to visit without making sure it's also convenient for the people you're visiting.

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 13:33

It's still bloody short notice, though, isn't it? If I suddenly announced I was going to visit someone at:
a, Short notice
b, Without even asking if it were convenient for the person I was visiting

I would half-expect to be politely told 'sorry, no can do this week'. Wouldn't everybody with half a brain!? Smile

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 13:43

Sorry, but I dont see a parent in the same context as a random visitor, and I think you sound quite unreasonable.

I am assuming this woman isnt coming to specifically visit "you". She wants to see her own child, and her grandchild/ren.

You certainly dont sound friendly or welcoming. Would you treat your own mother the same way?

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 13:50

squeakytoy, why don't you see her in the same context of a random visitor? A visitor is a visitor does not matter what your relationship is to them. You've still got make them feel welcome and prepare.
She is just a pain in the bottom who thinks she can do whatever she likes and balls to everybody else's plans.

OP posts:
pozzled · 08/05/2011 13:52

"You certainly dont sound friendly or welcoming. Would you treat your own mother the same way?"

I disagree. I think it's reasonable for anyone to check whether a visit is convenient before coming to visit, especially if they live further away and so the visit is more of a big deal.

And I would absolutely treat my own mother the same way- she lives close by but would never turn up unannounced, she would always phone first. I would have no problem whatsoever saying "Oh, sorry, can't really do that day because of x, how about y or z days?" Equally, she wouldn't take the slightest offence at that- relationships are all about a bit of give and take, surely?

OP, yanbu. But it sounds as though this is your DH's problem- why on earth didn't he say something at the time? Had he forgotten that it would be a bad time? He needs to phone her and sort it out!

sleepingsowell · 08/05/2011 13:55

Is she coming for the day or for an overnight or longer stay?
I have to agree with squeaky - she spoke to her own son about visiting him - that's not unreasonable.
Obviously there is history there as you say she is a pain etc.
But, speaking as the mum of a son, I don't think it's unreasonable of her to want to visit him.

Shakirasma · 08/05/2011 13:56

Both my parents and inlaws are welcome any time. They actually have keys to our house in case of emergency, just as we still have keys to to theirs.

These people are out parents fgs. Why should they have to make an appointment to see us? They are much much more than ordinary visitors.

I hope my children don't reject me when they are grown up, the way I see parents and In laws rejected by others on here.

YellowDinosaur · 08/05/2011 13:59

I'm with the 'you (or dh) just need to tell her' camp.

It just isn't that big a deal - pick up the phone and say 'really sorry but this Wed doesn't work - dh had forgotten that x is having major surgery this week so you understand that we are all going to be a bit stressed and preoccupied. How about a week on Wed instead assuming all goes well this week?'

I just don't get the moaning about something that is so easily correctable! (Of course if you're just ranting to let off steam before making the call I understand that but honestly its not that hard to sort out)

SkivingAgain · 08/05/2011 14:03

"I would half-expect to be politely told 'sorry, no can do this week'. Wouldn't everybody with half a brain!"

So why are you finding it so difficult to tell her it's not convenient? I agree that it is not polite to just invite yourself, but as she spoke to your husband it is possible that she did ask if it was convenient and he was too much of a wimp/not paying attention/not thinking how it would affect you didn't think to check with you before agreeing.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but perhaps making something out of nothing. That could be because you are stressed about ill relative though.

squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 14:06

I absolutely agree with you Shakirasma, the number of threads on here about how inconvenient it is to have to "suffer" seeing your parents or in-laws is very saddening.

You shouldnt feel like you have to roll out a red carpet for a parent who wants to visit you. If you do then there is something wrong with your relationship.

cat64 · 08/05/2011 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pozzled · 08/05/2011 14:10

"These people are out parents fgs. Why should they have to make an appointment to see us? They are much much more than ordinary visitors.

I hope my children don't reject me when they are grown up, the way I see parents and In laws rejected by others on here."

It's not about rejection, and my parents (and DH's) very much feel welcome here. We also feel incredibly welcome at their houses and have great relationships with all our family.

It's about making the most of the time you have. Like most people, I don't sit at home every day. I make all sorts of plans from week to week. If people don't call, how can they be sure that we'll be in? That we won't be in the middle of something that we can't drop at a moment's notice? That would mean a wasted trip and frustration for everyone concerned. If I had relatives that lived in the next street, I'd be happy for them to pop over and take their chances. But if you have even a 15 minute journey, it makes sense to pick up the phone first and see if it's convenient to everyone.

Do you seriously think that we should all be prepared to drop everything at a moment's notice if a relative wishes to visit? Rather than arranging a time to suit everyone?

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2011 14:14

I don't get why we have to treat our IL's exactly the same way we treat our own parents. I have an entirely different relationship with my parents than with my IL's. Naturally, I am closer to my own parents than I am my MIL, because I love my parents. If my mum comes round my house, she slots right in and doesn't expect me to treat her like a visitor, but I would feel rude if I didn't treat my MIL more like a guest. A little example is that my mum would make her own cup of tea and I'd feel happy asking her to keep an eye on the cooking while I popped to the shop, but I would make a cuppa for my MIL and would feel like I had to entertain her.

I think IL's are entitled to courtesy, respect and consideration, but I don't think they are entitled to be treated exactly the same as our own mums. Surely it is up to our DH's to treat their own mums as special.

squeakytoy · 08/05/2011 14:15

When my FIL died very suddenly and tragically, the first person to offer to come 250 miles to help us was my own mum.

When my mum died, my MIL (who had only been bereaved 6 months earlier) was one of our greatest sources of support.

To me that is what family is about, helping each other out when there are illnesses and worries, and giving support to each other.

I appreciate that not everyone gets on with their parents or in-laws, but the unnessecary hostility towards them on here at times is shocking.

One day you will be the in-law or parent of an adult, and I only hope that some people get treated the same way they have treated their elder family members.

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 14:16

My husband did tell her about the surgery. Just to clarify.

OP posts:
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