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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is mum-in-law being unreasonable or am I?

141 replies

ospreylia · 08/05/2011 13:14

Hi, mum-in-law just rang to say that she would come down this wednesday. She did not ask if it was convenient for my husband and I, just announced it IYSWIM. Sadly, a close family relative on my side of family is about to undergo major surgery this week, and, frankly, it is not convenient.

To be honest, it is not convenient at all for her to come down but she has all the tact of of a brick wall. Is she being unreasonable or am I? She does live 200 a miles away and we do not see her often but surely this is a bad time and any fool with any sense would say, 'OK, I'll come down another time.'?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 09:45

A freak?????

Original poster

ospreylia · 09/05/2011 09:51

OK, squeakytoy, if you made a gaffe where you basically told somebody who was in a state of immense grief 'That it didn't really matter', would you not be instantly apologetic about it? Would you not think, 'S**t, shouldn't have said that. Better apologise quick'.
Not her. To this day, I do not know if such refusal to apologise was a deliberate attempt at hurt or just simple ignorance and symptomatic of her personality.
Either way, it did not endear her to me.

Perhaps 'freak' is too strong a word, but, honest to god, she is weird not to make an instant apology.

OP posts:

sundayrose10 · 09/05/2011 12:54

WOW. I bet she is really sad and lonely. I'm sure she senses your hatred for her. It's very scary to be getting older but rejected from family. She's scared. You sound like a person who gives no second chances.

squeakytoy · 09/05/2011 12:59

If she was actually being factual in that you were not that close to your Grandmother, then maybe being in "a state of immense grief" is a tad dramatic, and if she was wrong, then it would have made sense to simply put her right there and then, rather than harbour a grudge over it.

Perhaps she thinks you are a bit of a drama queen, and an attention seeker. (I am not saying that you are, just that it may be the impression you give her with the way you act).

Original poster

ospreylia · 09/05/2011 13:33

The only drama queen is her, believe me. She was wrong. I loved my gran dearly and was devastated by her death. Could not believe that any reasonable human being could say that to someone who was grieving. I was just stunned, tbh and left the room crying. My husband told her, 'For goodness sake, mum. Just apologise'. Any normal human being would have said 'sorry' NOT her.

So, please, all I can say is that if you think her behaviour is acceptable, I really do not understand your stance.

I mean how would any reasonable human being NOT think, 'St, should not have said that. Better make it up quick'. Yet, HER family is supposed to matter to ME and when we don't go to her place EVERY single Christmas because, y'know', I've got family, too, she goes into a massive strop.
Perhaps you would like to reassess who the 'drama queen' is here, squeakytoy?

She probably meant to cause upset to me. That's the only reasonable solution I have now.

OP posts:

clam · 09/05/2011 13:39

How can we, as strangers on the internet, possibly assess the actual facts as we haven't witnessed them. Posters on here can only draw conclusions from what you have said, and to be frank, I think you have used some quite dramatic phrases. I also think you've way over-reacted to perceived viewpoints from others. If this is how you behave in real life then perhaps drama-queen isn't too unreasonable.
Anyway, I'm bowing out now. I can see no resolution to this spat.

Original poster

ospreylia · 09/05/2011 13:44

sundayrose10 I doubt very much she senses my dislike of her, she's too insensitive for that.

OP posts:

Original poster

ospreylia · 09/05/2011 13:49

Better bow out now myself, most people have seen my viewpoint as being reasonable, so I'll just go with that.

I honestly wish she would leave us alone apart from a few visits a couple of times a year, but it is the fact that she does not give a flying fig about my concerns and worries yet still expects me to care for hers that makes me blow a fuse.

If she was the sort of person who didn't care about me, but didn't expect care in return I could live with it. Wouldn't mind at all. Or, alternatively, she cared about me and expected care in return, I would reciprocate that care. But she does not- I am supposed to care for her while getting no care back.

karmabeliever is right, just got to take practical steps to keep her away from me when possible. I can't stop her seeing her son (nor would I wish to).

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 10/05/2011 10:00

I think we have a different view of this thread, ospreylia - I don't see lots of posts saying your view is reasonable at all.

Original poster

ospreylia · 10/05/2011 11:46

StayingDavidTennantsGirl Unless you explain in what way I am being unreasonable here I do not know what you mean.

The general consensus is that my mil should expect to be politely told when she announces she is coming down at extremely short notice that it may not be possible. Even more so when there is a major event going on.

She should (very) reasonably expect to be said to: 'Sorry, not possible, this week, mum'.

Or should we all put other plans aside because our mil thinks that she is the queen and everything else should be put off for her? ?

As it is, she could have still come down if she wished. Just because I am not present, so what? She can still see her son! No wonder women get fed up and become radical feminists if they're supposed to act as chaperones to their own husbands when their mil visits!

If YOU disagree with this then I am afraid that it is you that is being extremely unreasonable, not me.

OP posts:

Original poster

ospreylia · 10/05/2011 11:48

If you can't see why I dislike her after what I have said about her here little games and tricks here, then I give up.

OP posts:

clam · 10/05/2011 12:45

Damn. Said I'd bow out.
You are missing the point, ospreylia.
Many people on here (myself included) agreed that it was perfectly reasonable to have told your mil that a visit this week wasn't going to work for you.
What people are quibbling about is the attitude you've since displayed, both towards her and all those whose contributions to the thread you've chosen to misunderstand.
For the record, I would point out that if your mil still persists in calling and (unreasonably) announcing an impending visit after however many years you and your H have been together, then you really should have got your H to sort it out before this, instead of working yourself into such a rage about it now.

squeakytoy · 10/05/2011 13:19

she could have still come down if she wished. Just because I am not present, so what? She can still see her son! No wonder women get fed up and become radical feminists if they're supposed to act as chaperones to their own husbands when their mil visits

But isnt that exactly what most of the posters have said.. that she probably doesnt want to see you anyway..!! cant think why

Who has said you have to act as a chaperone? It is just you that seems to think because you are not going to be around to play the ungracious hostess the she shouldnt come. Is it possible she already knew from her son that you were likely to be absent on the days she planned to come down, and that was exactly her reason for choosing those days I wonder...

Original poster

ospreylia · 10/05/2011 13:47

No it is not possible she knew beforehand. Your argument falls apart simply because if she wanted to come when she knew I would not be here why isn't she coming down? She did not say, 'Oh I'll still come down even if ospreylia is not there' Instead, she went in a huff about it. Which really tells you all to know about her narcisstic outlook...

Sorry, clam, but your argument holds no water.

I understand that you think that I am not very nice to her, but the fact that I have told you about some of her behaviour should surely give you a clue as to why I am not exactly her biggest fan.

OP posts:

Original poster

ospreylia · 10/05/2011 13:49

Sorry, that should be to squeakytoy and not clam. Apologies.

To repeat: If she was glad to avoid me, she would jump at chance at coming down, not go off in a huff.

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 10/05/2011 16:21

FWIW I think what your mil said about the death of you Gran was extremely insensitive. There was no need to say it, a simple "I'm sorry for your loss..." would do.

From now on leave it to your DH to organise visits for when he's available to see her. Just remind him to make sure you (as in you and him) don't have previous plans first.

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