Is mum-in-law being unreasonable or am I?

[ospreylia]

Hi, mum-in-law just rang to say that she would come down this wednesday. She did not ask if it was convenient for my husband and I, just announced it IYSWIM. Sadly, a close family relative on my side of family is about to undergo major surgery this week, and, frankly, it is not convenient.

To be honest, it is not convenient at all for her to come down but she has all the tact of of a brick wall. Is she being unreasonable or am I? She does live 200 a miles away and we do not see her often but surely this is a bad time and any fool with any sense would say, 'OK, I'll come down another time.'?

Lets face it she's probably not coming to see you anyway, my MIL would much prefer her son all to herself without me and those pesky children in the way so everyone will no doubt be happy.

I didn't speak to her initially. Did I not mention that I told her- as politely as possible- that I may not be here owing to circumstances but that I hoped she and my dh had a nice time together?

Just how EXACTLY is that unreasonable of me? Not my fault that she won't visit without my presence in house.

Ospreylia - MIL is blood family - she is my sons' grandmother - as NinkyNonker says, she is on an equal footing to my own mother in the family. But I know that my MIL does not automatically side with dh over me - I have seen that in action during our marriage - she is capable of seeing both sides of an issue and being impartial - and I do recognise that this makes me a lucky DIL.

You are not being unreasonable to prioritise your family's needs in this situation - looking after ill relative + family trumps social visit. But I would apply this equally if it were a relative of my dh who was having the operation and my mum wanted to come and visit.

I also think that she is being unreasonable for being huffy that you won't be there, given the circumstances.

But I honestly think you need to rethink this business of your MIL being third priority - can you not give your parents and your PIL equal footing, because they have an equal stake in your family? They are equally grandparents to your dc, and each are blood relatives to one half of the marriage - and if the marriage is an equal partnership. surely the parents and in-laws are on an equal footing too.

I wouldn't visit you, you are horrid

And no-one has said you should ignore the needs of your own family in order to be there when your MIL visits - NO_ONE!! So please stop acting as if we are all telling you this - it makes you look very unreasonable.

MrsBananaGrabber, How am I horrid? Am I horrid because, in this instance, I will not drop everything for my mil? Because if you seriously think that she should have priority this week you are seriously misguided.
And, I suspect, in the minority.

I am not sure that I see why everyone has a problem with the OP's explanation. Is it that we are not used to a dispassionate analysis of a relationship that is usually discussed emotionally? I think that she was initially (and not unreasonably) peed off by the announcement of a visit, rather than a request to visit during a stressful and upsetting time. I think she has only articulated this list of priorities to illustrate why for her the MIL is not top of her charts currently. I don't see where she has said she can't visit or her husband shouldn't care for his mother.

OP, I hope your relative gets well soon.

Yes and she is huffy about this. Write me off as the dil from hell if you will, but fgs, for her to be huffy about it surely speaks volumes about her authoritarian, narcissistic nature!

People get the fact this week is not a good week for MIL to visit.

What makes me laugh is that the OP didn't say this but did some waffle around the houses about her not being there. When really she did not MIL there at all ( for understandable reasons, slates off the MIL.
Knickers all in a twist about a non-event.

What StayingDavidTennantsGirl said.

Taking relationships out of the picture for a moment I fail to see how it's reasonable for anyone to phone someone up and say "I'm coming to visit on Wednesday.", without checking if it's convenient first. That applies to everyone, not just mils. What if the person being visited had arranged to go out that day, would they be expected to cancel their plans?

I do think on mn it seems to be expected that dils should entertain mils but the same 'rule' doesn't seem to apply to sils entertaining mils.

I've been reading people who say that parents and parents-in-law shouldn't have to announce or ask to come to stay.

I don't see that, I'm afraid. I expect my parents to let me know, unless the circumstances are an emergency. (My DH's folks live on the other side of the world so really not expecting them to turn up unannounced!).
As much as anything, I don't always reveal all my plans to everyone, including my parents. What happens if they show up for a visit and I've made arrangements and we're at a dinner party? I certainly wouldn't want them sitting on the doorstep waiting for me.

I like to know. I like to get in things they want to eat, I want to have thought about menus, I like the chance to make sure clean bedlinen is on, and I wouldn't thank anyone for catching me on the hoof.
In the same way, I wouldn't dream of turning up on my parent's doorstep unannounced, as they also have friends, and like to go to a restaurant for dinner occasionally.
I don't see it about being welcoming or not. My parents are welcome here any time, but if they drive 500 miles and I'm not around (maybe we've gone to the zoo all day) then they're not going to get to see their grandchild, not because I don't want them to, but because I don't sit round all day every day waiting for them on the offchance they might decide to visit. Just tallying up of diaries, especially when the people involved have a journey is all it takes to really make sure they have a good visit instead of a wasted one.

And I do say to family 'Sorry, but that date isn't the best. Would you like to come down the following week instead?' They understand, and they can, and do, say the same to me (sorry, we're going away for the weekend, but we're here all the following weekend instead). No biggie, and doesn't mean I feel unloved!
I'd get your DH to have a word and say that now you've checked, that date isn't great but offer a few alternatives for her to choose from, and make sure you make a fuss of her when she arrives so she knows it's not her, but the situation.

Yes, ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy, this is precisely why I dislike her so much -no 'is it convenient for the two of you?' No 'is it OK?' Just a blunt 'I'm coming down'. The woman has the social skills of a gnat.

Oh and emotional blackmail. Just as my husband was about to articulate that it may not be a good idea for her to visit, she immediately announced that she has a hospital appointment in a few weeks so that he'd seem heartless to tell her no.
Turns out that it is a completely routine check-up that ALL people of a certain age get (he checked with his sister who is a doctor) and is not going to cause her stress of discomfort or worry.

I do agree with ChaoticAngel, that it is not reasonable just to phone up and announce a visit - you ring up and ask 'is it OK for me to come over and visit on wednesday?' which gives the other person the opportunity to say, 'actually I'm afraid it's not OK - my auntie is having a serious operation and I need to be there for the family - can we make it another day?'

OP - in your shoes, I would phone your MIL myself, say you are sorry that she's upset, explain again about your relative's operation and your (utterly reasonable) wish to be there for your family, and ask her if she'd like to visit another day instead. That way you have done all you can, been polite and welcoming, and it is up to her how she responds.

I don't think it is neccessarily a good idea to have these conversations via a third party (ie your dh) as that makes misunderstandings more likely.

And even if the check up is entirely routine, she might still be worried about it - maybe she has some symptoms that are worrying her, or maybe she just worries that they might find something wrong.

how do you know she exactly said "i am coming down like it or not" you werent on the phone

likewise we only have your word that she is being huffy, that may be in your perception of the poor woman saying oh OK

how was she supposed to know your OH was about to say it wasnt a good time

is she psychic as well as annoying?

If the appointmentis giving her cause for concern, why not just come down to see her son anyway? Why would she really care if I am present or not? It will be her son who comforts her, not me. No, the hospital appointment was used as a tool of emotional blackmail.

Subtext: You can't refuse. I'm going to hospital!

I think this is all waffle op. What did she actually say, word for word, when you told her as politely as possible that you might not be there (did you say exactly why?) and that you hoped she and your dh had a nice time together? Exactly how was she huffy?

And if you've now found out that she's having a routine hospital check, has your dh phoned her back and said "look, mum, it would be so much nicer if you could visit when ospreylia doesn't have other family things to attend to. Its not the best time for us next week, lets find another date now."

And the point of this thread is not really the assertion that its alright to make a visit any time (95% of posters seem to agree its not) its about your sneering attitude towards your mil and your assumption that everyone else agrees with you because we should all see our mils as less important/less easy to accommodate than our mothers.

If you were slightly less frosty towards your MIL then this would have been an ideal situation for her to visit, spend time with your kids and help out while you go to the hospital.

You seem to be of the opinion that you HAVE to be there to be an (unwelcoming) host if she comes down, and that really shouldnt have to be the case.

You are possibly going to be rushing around and having someone in the home to help out with cooking a meal etc, would be a godsend to most people, and something that most MILs would be more than happy to help out with to ease the burden on their DIL.

When my father died, even though my MIL is not a 'blood' relation to me, she took time off work and drove from Winchester to Shropshire to be with dh and I at the funeral, and to help us with the dses (who were 4, 6, and 8).

And last year, when she had to have a very serious operation for pancreatic cancer (which is fatal in a huge percentage of cases) I was so worried about her - and if the worst had happened, I would have been as sad as when dad died, I think.

OP - I think you need to recognise that you are coming out of your corner fighting and taking an adversial position to anything you perceive as entering the realms of criticism or disagreement

Take a breath, have some fresh air, a , or whatever works for you.

Sounds as though your MIL would probably be quite happy to have her son to herself if she feels about you as you feel about her.

Look at it a different way - you have a very good reason not to be available and so she will have visited, without you having to "entertain" her

My MIL did similar - her DH is supposed to be having a major op but they keep putting the date back, so she phoned and said, since this is the case, they'd like to visit before he has his op (fair enough), on the w/end of my DD1's birthday. We said okay (not really in a position to say no)

But after we'd said okay, I got my knickers in a twist about it because I (selfishly) didn't want them there on her birthday itself as I wanted it to be an immediate family-only day. They would also have been there on the day of the royal wedding (MASSIVE anti-monarchists), and while I'm not pro-monarchy, I couldn't face their bellyaching about how awful the whole thing was, we were going to a street party in the afternoon and our DDs were getting very overexcited about watching the wedding so didn't want them spoiling the atmosphere. Also had loads to do for DD1's birthday party preparations - and MIL isn't one who helps out, and FIL certainly isn't - he sits and reads his beloved newspaper all bloody day.

So we phoned and asked if they could come down the weekend before - same length of time, just much more convenient to us. It was actually very nice because I bent over backwards to be a nice DIL for once and everyone was at ease and happy.

Simples.

"Naturally, I am closer to my own parents than I am my MIL, because I love my parents." I think that might be 'natural' for lots of people Karmabeliever - but not everyone:-)

I was not very close to my own mother, who was never a very demonstrative woman - it was my MIL I turned to for help and support when my children were born and who has been a fantastic friend for over 20 yrs. I now joke that I got her as part of the divorce settlement as she sees me more often than my ex (who has moved away with a new partner). Her reaction to the divorce was to say that now we would simply describe each other as 'friends' not in-laws.

I can see that you were not as lucky as I was - but I do think it's important for your DH to be able to have his own relationship with his mother - so why not let her come, let him have time with her and you get out of the way, supporting your other family member? if you have children perhaps she could help with feeding / bath / bed if you have to be out?