Is mum-in-law being unreasonable or am I?

[ospreylia]

Hi, mum-in-law just rang to say that she would come down this wednesday. She did not ask if it was convenient for my husband and I, just announced it IYSWIM. Sadly, a close family relative on my side of family is about to undergo major surgery this week, and, frankly, it is not convenient.

To be honest, it is not convenient at all for her to come down but she has all the tact of of a brick wall. Is she being unreasonable or am I? She does live 200 a miles away and we do not see her often but surely this is a bad time and any fool with any sense would say, 'OK, I'll come down another time.'?

I don't get why we have to treat our IL's exactly the same way we treat our own parents

but your in-laws are the parents of your own husband or partner ..

He might be your husband but hes also her son ..she didn't stop being his mother when he got married to you

YABU

I agree with everything squeakytoy says ..shes family not a random stranger

Anyway, the deed has been done: it was politely explained to her that I may not be here etc. etc. -although obviously still welcome to visit my husband (her son) but she has decided not to come after all. She is a bit miffed but tough, she should have asked first not give us 3 poxy days notice. Thanks for contributions to thread.

As an aside, I also do not understand why we should treat our mil's as our own mother.
Firstly, it would be highly unnatural; most of us would be absolutely devastated if our own mum's died, but, seriously, our mils. Sadness, perhaps but devastation? Of course not!

Secondly, boundaries between dils and mils have to be maintained. This means that while they are welcome, they are not always welcome.

Squeaky, my husband doesn't feel the same way towards my parents as he does about his mum. I agree that we each have to be polite and considerate towards each others parents, but it's natural to usually feel closer to your own parents than to someone else's.

I don't treat them all the same, because to me they are not the same. I ensure that all GP's get to spend time with the DC and I invite my MIL to my home for family events, but on a day to day basis, I am more likely to see my parents because I feel closer to them. Given a choice, my DH would probably prefer to see his mum rather than mine. Is that not natural?

I'm sure a lots of sons would be devastated if their mothers died ..or don't their feelings count?

I do treat my in-laws in the same way I treat my parents. Both sets live a long way away (well FIL died a few years ago). Both are welcomed, have a room made ready for them, fresh towels put out, etc., extra food has to be purchased and larger meals planned for and believe me the PIL's have a dietary list of requirements longer than most of your arms put together. The MIL differs from my mum - my mum pitches in and helps, the MIL expects to be waited on and collected from the station (she's as fit as a fiddle and only early 70s) now that FIL is no longer with us (an hours drive away in bad traffic) because she won't get in a cab which takes less time because of bus lanes and saves me a double journey.

Both lots are welcome whenever they want to come providing we don't have other visitors using the guest room, the DC don't have exams and the DH and I aren't obliged to attend an invitation that has already been accepted (MIL gets annoyed if we go out when she's here).

I don't think it's reasonable as some of you have suggested that in-laws should be able to turn up whenever they want to - it has to suit both parties although I would never unreasonably say no,.

I am as close to my MIL as I ever was to my own Mum and she treats me like a daughter.

I see her almost every day, and appreciate having her in our lives. Past experience has also taught me that having a friend in your MIL is a very valuable ally. Having a MIL for an enemy is most definately not.

One of the important factors in getting married to my husband was because I got on well with his parents too. I grew up watching a battle of wills between my own mum and her MIL and it made for quite uncomfortable viewing as they fought their passive agressive battles for many years.

I don't hink anybody has said here that sons would NOT be devastated if their mother died, all that has been said is that people may not be devastated if their mother-in-law died. Makes perfect sense to me. Or am I missing something?

I also treat my MIL in a similar way to my mum. We don't have the same relationship, but my PIL are just as welcome to my house as my parents. They are both part of the family, treated as family rather than visitors etc. The main differences in our case arise from the fact that we are much closer to my mum than PIL, so mum visits for lots of afternoons, evening meals etc (and also helps us out a lot) whereas if we see PIL it is always for a weekend visit or longer. I am absolutely sure though that if we moved closer to PIL, the opposite would happen.

"Secondly, boundaries between dils and mils have to be maintained. "

I don't agree with this, I think it depends totally on the MIL and DIL. I've certainly never felt it with my MIL.

Can't speak for any one else, but when family come round, it is usually me who does the 'entertaining'. DH is often at work, so although my MIL is welcome to visit, I don't really want her here a lot without DH also being here to talk to her. She is not my mum and I don't feel as comfortable with her as I do my own mum. By the same token, if I was out, I wouldn't expect my DH to spend hours, on a regular basis, visiting with my parents.

The other thing is that my MIL has a new partner and never visits us without him. I think that she should make some time to see her son and grandchildren without her new man in tow, who is not family to us. Over the years my IL's have always done what is good for them, even though it was not always good for DH, so I do have a little resentment there which might be colouring my views.

I do also think that my parents have been fantastic parents and I would be disloyal to them to treat them the same as MIL. They deserve to be treated as special by me, because they are special.

my mum pitches in and helps, the MIL expects to be waited on

maybe because you have made her feel she is a guest, is unwanted, is not allowed to help etc etc etc

i truly hope when my sons marry, their wives are a lot nicer than some of the posters on here, or at least provide me with a set of their rules and boundaries i must adhere to to give me a clue

I think that she should make some time to see her son and grandchildren without her new man in tow

so you wouldnt be annoyed if MIL asked her son to bring his kids without the wife (you) continually in tow?

I understand your own parents are special to you .. I just don't understand why some people think that sons don't have a special relationship with their parents too

If anything, it was the opposite for me. My mum would sit and expect me to make her a cup of tea, but MIL will happily make one for us all or ask if I need any help.

Having said that, my Mum stayed at the InLaws a few times, and happily pitched in with MIL when it was the two of them.

I was very very lucky that my mum and MIL got on extremely well and were considering my mum moving down south and the pair of them living in MILs house when my mum sadly died unexpectedly.

We are only a small family, I am an only child, and my husband is the only remaining child too, so getting along is vitally important for us.

Squeaky, I'm glad you have that sort of relationship with yours. Unfortunately mine is just a nasty woman - her own daughters left at 18 and never went back - in fact they both left the continent and have visited home only a handful of times in more than 20 years. I have had my PILs every Christmas for the last 20 years, including the year ds was born early on Xmas Day and instead of cooking the Turkey she got a casserole out of the freezer and let the Turkey go off because "DIL had to be kept in hospital" whereas she had three in the back bedroom and no painkilling nonsense. The only time they didn't come was the year my father was dying and she showed off. I treat her far better than her own daughters do and yet at FIL's funeral she allowed only DH and SIL2 to go to the burial part of the service - BIL1 and I weren't family and SIL1 didn't bother to come because it was too far.

Obviously they were considering it BEFORE my mum died... ... (that last post just didnt look right after I read it again!)

florence, I have tried. I've told my MIL to help herself to drinks etc and to make herself at home. One issue is that she will never say no to the DC. My mum will tell them not to do things which I don't allow, but MIL will not ever say anything, even when I've asked her to and made a point of telling the DC that they must listen to her. This makes it difficult for me to leave the DC with her, because our rules are not consistent.

Our other problem stems from when my DS1 was born. She and FIL tried to take over, whereas my own mum only tried to help. I felt suffocated by them and they didn't like that I had a mind of my own and wouldn't be doing things exactly as they wanted.

florence, i've never asked my MIl to visit without her new man.That would be rude and i am not rude or unkind to her ever. I've made them both welcome. All I'm saying is that it would be nice for my husband to sometimes see her without him, as he is not my husbands father. My husbands dad died shortly after their divorce and i think it would be tactful if she thought that it might be nice for DH to just see her, occasionally. I totally respect her right to date as she pleases.

I wouldn't mind if DH sometimes saw his mum without me being there. I see my mum alone. It's unlikely to ever happen though because DH works a lot and when he is home we tend to do things as a family, because that time is limited.

I aggree with the sentiment that both sets of parents should have equal relationships with the entire family but often this isnt the case.I think more families live along way apart thus visits being for longer and more intense ie staying over rather than a day visit,this then can put pressure on the host who in most cases is the woman,so if the visitors are ungracious or demanding it does cause conflict and the desire to not want them as often as they'd like to come.
That is my diplomatic attempt to explain things. My pils cause me more stress firstly as they stay over for a long time-my parents dont need to-they are very demanding with food and drinks,constant and fussy and never ever chip in to buy or help prepare meals-my mum would help-have very different ideas about childcare and say so-my mum wouldnt. I am obviously more at ease with my own parents cos they brought me up. I am also a mil and am fortunate not to have to stay over with them and have the same personality and ideals as dil so we are very close-or at least thats what i think

I was devastated when my mil died.
This thread is very sad - not because of the original issue, where the OP had a genuine reason for the visit not being convenient, but for all the usual unpleasant stuff wheeled out about mils.
It's such a stereotype. Some mils are difficult, so are some mothers. Plenty are lovely.
Like mine.

I'll be devastated when my MIL dies, sadly she is very ill and this is a reality we will be facing soon. She is not MY mother, but I've known her for nearly 20 years and she's the mother of my partner and grandmother to my children.

Similarly if my parents died my DP would be devastated for the reasons set out above.

Obviously families/in-laws can be annoying at times, but I think it's important to maintain a peaceful status quo.

If my MIL died, I would be very upset. I've known her a long time and she is my husbands mother and the grandmother of my children. However, my sadness would not be comparable to what it would be if it was my mother and i don't think it should be either. My mum has made all manner of sacrifices for me and has been a brilliant mum. Surely she would deserve to be valued more highly than a MIL by her actual daughter.

random italics. Sorry