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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is mum-in-law being unreasonable or am I?

141 replies

ospreylia · 08/05/2011 13:14

Hi, mum-in-law just rang to say that she would come down this wednesday. She did not ask if it was convenient for my husband and I, just announced it IYSWIM. Sadly, a close family relative on my side of family is about to undergo major surgery this week, and, frankly, it is not convenient.

To be honest, it is not convenient at all for her to come down but she has all the tact of of a brick wall. Is she being unreasonable or am I? She does live 200 a miles away and we do not see her often but surely this is a bad time and any fool with any sense would say, 'OK, I'll come down another time.'?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 08/05/2011 15:23

"I don't hink anybody has said here that sons would NOT be devastated if their mother died, all that has been said is that people may not be devastated if their mother-in-law died. Makes perfect sense to me. Or am I missing something?"

Yes, you are missing the connection in your brain that might enable you to understand that some dils love their mils as much if not more than their own mother. You blithely talk about your mil as being on some sort of second strata in the heirarchy of your close family and assume that everyone else thinks the same as you. That is very silly indeed.

Oh, also this may be news to you: plenty of people do not love or even like their mothers. Fancy that!

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 15:27

What can I say, bibbitybobbityhat? There are exceptions to every rule.

OP posts:
alistron1 · 08/05/2011 15:37

It's not about rules/exceptions. It's about human relationships. My MIL is my partners mother, her well being is important to him thus it's important to me. And vice versa with my parents.

I am sure that my parents have done things that have annoyed my partner, and my in laws have done things that have annoyed me. But there is a bigger picture here. My mum is my mum, but my MIL is the mum of my partner and IMHO that affords her equal respect/consideration in the family hierarchy.

I'm sure that when I'm a MIL I will do lots of annoying/inconsiderate things but I hope that any sons/daughters in law will see me as being a member of their family.

piginmuck · 08/05/2011 15:41

Actually, I don't think it is a rule ospreylia. Every family has different relationships and dynamics and I find your viewpoint incredibly simplistic. Why do DIL and MIL have to maintain boundaries?
Your MIL is the woman who raised the man you love - does that she not desrve the same care and consideration as your own Mum in relation to visiting and interacting with your family.
Some people are horrible, whether they are mothers, Mils, daughters, sons whatever but they are horrible because they are people - not because they are mother in laws.

piginmuck · 08/05/2011 15:42

crossed post alistron - you took the words out of my mouth (in a much more eloquent way!)

clam · 08/05/2011 15:42

It's not even about competitive loving, either, for me. I object to the fact that it's so common for the wife's mother to be allowed closer contact with the grandchildren than the mil, and welcomed to the home and family goings-on, when the mil's presence is deemed intrusive.
There've been loads of threads on here about this. Women saying their mils aren't welcome at DC's birthday celebrations/Christmas as they want "close family events."
Mean, I think. Not to mention short-sighted of those women who have sons.

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 15:42

This is not about family hierarchy, fgs, this is about the totally natural feelings of thinking more about one's own mother than one's mil!

And I'd like to know if the posters here who have disagreed with me would welcome their mils whatever the circumstances!

OP posts:
clam · 08/05/2011 15:43

Wow. We all seem to have typed those posts at the same time!

bibbitybobbityhat · 08/05/2011 15:46

No, I would not welcome my mother or my mil at my house without prior warning. Actually, they would never just announce their arrival - they wait to be invited. I guess I probably love my mum more than my mil but its a close run thing and she does not get more involvement in our lives than my mil just because she is my mother - it doesn't work like that in all families.

janeybo · 08/05/2011 15:48

ouch squeaky toy. harsh words.
It depends on the MIL and your relationship with them.
I had two kids just over a year apart. My MIL lives 2.5 hours away.
She invited herself up to stay with us in the very early days of having each of them.
She never lifted a finger to help. I was expected to serve meals and hot drinks and sleep downstairs on a camp bed while she had our bed.
Not once did she offer to change a nappy or wipe either if their noses if they had a cold or to comfort either if they cried regardless what I was doing. All she was interested in was criticising me, holding the baby even if it meant her waking them up to do so, Angry and telling me I think so and so might need their bum changed or nose wiped etc. Angry
I think you need to have harsh words with hubbie and get him to explain about the relative etc. If she has anything about her she will offer to postpone her visit. Alternatively if not she must be told by hubbie if she visits she must pitch in and help out (as mine should have similarly been told, but weren't).

LifeOfKate · 08/05/2011 16:33

OP, obviously it's all resolved now, so the OP is irrelevant now, but you are still spectacularly missing the point that some people are trying to make.
It doesn't make the slightest bit of difference how the DIL and the MIL feel about each other, the MIL is the DH's mother, so is therefore on equal footing to the family? Why does the hierarchy in an extended family come from just the viewpoint of the wife, when it should come from the viewpoint of the whole household, including the DH? What if the DH decided that his MIL was not as much a priority to the family as his own mother? Would this also be fair enough since this is how you see your MIL? She deserves equal status because she is the mother of somebody else in your household - your DH. Theirs is a special relationship too.

NinkyNonker · 08/05/2011 16:40

Yes, but surely your DH would have the same 'strata' of emotions as well? I.E.: He will feel for his mother the way you do for yours, so between the partnership that is the pair of you both mothers are equal?

I do not love my MIL as I do my mother, likewise DH won't love my mother the way he does his. But I am very fond of her, and she is equally as welcome in our home as my own mother is, and is treated with the same respect. You seem determined to be annoyed by her, and are finding some sort of righteous indignation at the fact that she has invited herself to see her own son. Would you be so annoyed were it your mother?

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/05/2011 16:41

I don't want to maintain boundaries with my MIL that aren't there with my mum - I get on well with both of them, and my mil is dh's mum, so as someone else here has said, she is important to me for that reason. She is every bit as welcome here as my mum is, and I have the same boundaries for both.

If it is not convenient for them to come and visit, we tell them, and if we were going to visit either of them, and suggested an inconvenient date, they would tell us - and there would be no hard feelings on either side.

My MIL is just as much a part of this family as my mum is, and I can't imagine treating her differently.

That said, I am lucky that both my mum and my MIL are reasonable beings, and I can be honest with them both. They are both respectful of my family and how dh and I choose to do things - and I can quite imagine how differently I would feel towards either of them if they didn't respect our boundaries or took us for granted etc. It is a two-way street - and there are plenty of stories here and elsewhere to show that some parents and parents-in-law are difficult, rude, unpleasant etc, but so are some of the children.

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 17:09

LifeofKate. I really don't know what you are talking about, really I don't. I never said that the woman could not visit, just that I may not be here to see her, my husband can see her if he wishes. I am not stopping him -fine, if she wishes to spend all day in an empty house waiting for him to return that is up to her.

I cannot for the life of me think why the effing hell I should screw my own family by not being there for them during a very difficult time just because my mil decides on a whim to visit us for no good reason and with such short notice. And if anyone here does think I should neglect my own family for my mil, they have got their priorities wrong!

Primary family first.

Blood family next.
Inlaws third.

OP posts:
Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 17:10

The house will be empty because I have deliberately taken days off this week for the operation.

OP posts:
alistron1 · 08/05/2011 17:15

I don't think anyone has suggested that you should neglect anyone. I understand that you are going through a stressful time at the moment, and yes your MIL and DH should be sensitive to that.

I hope the operation for your relative goes well this week.

florencedougal · 08/05/2011 17:18

Primary family first.

Blood family next.
Inlaws third.Hmm

see how you like that when you are an inlaw and given third priority :)

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 17:19

Well thank you for your kind words, alistron1.

OP posts:
Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 17:22

I'd thoroughly expect to be third priority. The bottom line is that my mil -when push comes to shove- will pick my husband over me. No matter how badly he (hopefully won't) behaves in the futureI would not expect anything else of her. It's natural for her and it is natural for me to rate her third in MY priority list.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 08/05/2011 17:26

But but but, for your DH his mother is second not third? Therefore in terms of the priority of the family (i.e.: the two of you) your MIL and mother have equal footing as you both prioritise them over the other?

PS: It is very obvious that you don't like her, calling her "the woman" speaks volumes. Charming, and not hugely respectful.

Not sure why you asked the question really, as you are determined you are not wrong.

MrsBananaGrabber · 08/05/2011 17:32

Hoping and praying that the OP has lots and lots of sons. You horrible excuse for a wife Smile [hugs sons]

Ishani · 08/05/2011 17:32

As far as I am concerned I do the whole mothers day flower thing for my MIL because he would forget, often at the expense of my own mother because we can't afford both because I know my mum loves us all including DH unconditionally and won't get pissed off if we don't go through the motions but it shouldn't be like that, the moaning one getting the visits/attention.
I console myself that my mum will have a good 20 years after MIL is gone.

Original poster
ospreylia · 08/05/2011 17:36

Please, let us stick to the topic at hand. The facts are these: she is fully aware that she can visit our house to see her son if she wishes, true I may not be here but, sorry, in this instance my blood family take priority over her visit.

She has chosen not to. Up to her. I have a clear conscience.
Or do some here seriously believe that their husbands cannot cope with their own mothers by themselves and that their wives should say 'screw you' to their own families in their hour of need to keep mil happy? Hmm Seems that way to me...

OP posts:
Pancakeflipper · 08/05/2011 17:38

Gosh - sounds like hard work in your house.

A this priorties malarky.

Why the hell you just didn't say no at the initial phone call with MIL and arrange a suitable date? Making mountains out of teenyweeny mole hills.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2011 17:39

But if the MIL visits when she wants, it's the DIL who will be expected to keep her company until the son gets home from work. So while son might well love his mum as much as his wife loves hers, realistically speaking he won't be the one having to make polite conversation all day. My DH likes my parents, but I think he'd struggle to spend all day with them unless I was there too.

Most people love their biological families more than the ones they've married into (I know there are exceptions).

When my children marry, I don't expect their spouses to feel as close to me as they do their own mothers. It would be nice to have a good relationship and mutual respect and caring, but i know that i won't love my DIL's and SIL as much as i love my children.

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