Is mum-in-law being unreasonable or am I?

[ospreylia]

Hi, mum-in-law just rang to say that she would come down this wednesday. She did not ask if it was convenient for my husband and I, just announced it IYSWIM. Sadly, a close family relative on my side of family is about to undergo major surgery this week, and, frankly, it is not convenient.

To be honest, it is not convenient at all for her to come down but she has all the tact of of a brick wall. Is she being unreasonable or am I? She does live 200 a miles away and we do not see her often but surely this is a bad time and any fool with any sense would say, 'OK, I'll come down another time.'?

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be irritated at her announcing she was coming to visit. Neither do I think for one moment that you should cancel being on hand for your own relative this week. In fact, has anyone on here actually suggested that you should?
But I'm afraid I agree with mrsbananagrabber that you don't sound terribly nice. Frankly, I'm surprised your mil wants to come down to visit at all. I wouldn't be too sure that the supposed huff is to do with you being unavailable. More that your attitude, if it's anything like it is on here, has seeped down the telephone lines to her and she's decided to steer well clear.
I hope your relative's operation goes well.

I think some of you are being a bit hard on op here she has enough on her plate here. So is understandably stressed.
Their may be a bit of tension with the relationship with mil but I would imagine it's not all one sided.
The reality is mil should have said I would like to come & visit on Wednesday if that's convenient with you etc? Hubbie should have been more on the ball (but they usually aren't well known for remembering what's happening when etc.
Hope op goes well x

My Mum was devestated when my nan, her MIL died 2 years ago. We all were. Even sadder as my dad is now it for his side of the family. (well apart from me and my sibs and our dc's!)

OP, YANBU to think some warning and asking is polite, but she probably didn't know about your rele's op. Your DH should have told her.

Glad you've spoken to her now.

Visitors should ask if it's convenient to visit. If a particular visitor is rude and tells you whern they are visiting I would still treat them as though they had asked me if it's convenient to visit and say no if it wasn't. Luckily no relatives are that rude.
We have plans for the next 4 weekends so anyone wanting to visit for the next month would be told it's not convenient, although someone coming round for a few hours could be accomodated on a couple of the weekends.
Am often amazed at people who live lives where they are hanging around the house all weekend every weekend who think being visited is a duty of some sort.
I like to enjoy my guests, and that involves having them come when it's mutually convenient. Am quite happy for people I visit to tell me when is a good time to come as well.

OK, I have NOT stopped my mil coming down wednesday; she can if she wants just that I may not be here. So, please, no more rubbish about 'why don't you let her come down' or 'you've stopped her coming down'.

Once again, the woman gets the blame when two adults could easily get together without her. I will NOT be a whipping boy for my mil! Her tone of voice was the usual 'poor little me' sort, good grief- I'd like to ask my critics here this: would you not be understanding if you were her given the circumstances?
Would not a normal human being say, 'OK, fair enough. Some other time'. NOT her!
If her relationship with her son is that good, why not come down anyway?
Once again, I AM NOT STOPPING HER.

The reason why she will not visit is a simple one: she and he fight like anything when together. Usually, it's not meant nastily and it all blows over, but 1 in 5 times it does not; e.g. my husband was arguing with her and -in my opinion- being completely reasonable when she suddenly announces: '*** her son-in-law) is more of a son to me than you' How 'nice' is that?
So before you judge me as being the dil from hell, consider that I may have my reasons for not liking her.
Also, the hospital appointment nonsense-clearly an attempt at emotional blackmail- she isn't bothered by it (else she'd come down regardless of my presence in house) but wanted to make my husband think she was bothered by it to come down here.

I am sick of her treating me as if I do not exist yet at the same time expect me to be around at her beck and call. She can ignore me as much as she wants-fine by me!! But I am not being her servant at the same time.

Surely if the relationship between a son and his mum is 'special' they don't need a third party present at all times?

It was suggested to you yesterday Osprey, that the woman isnt coming specially to see you and that is probably wouldnt matter if you were there or not.

Got to be honest, neither of you sound like you are particularly pleasant to this lady.

I have not read any examples from you of your reasons for not liking her, it is just obvious that you dont by the scathing tones in which you have written about her on here.

Ospreylia I think you've had a hard time here and I don't really think you deserve it. Just because she is your husbands mother, it doesn't mean that you have to like her (or her, you) or that she has to be as important to you personally as your own family. I think it is up to your husband to manage his own relationship with his mother. If he wants to see her then fine, if he doesn't then it's up to him to sort that out with her directly.

I think lots of people have wonderful IL's and love them dearly and obviously that is ideal. But you don't love yours and that's just the way it is.

I think you have a duty to be polite and courteous and enable her to have a relationship with her grandchildren, but I that's it tbh.

In your position I'd simply 'opt out' and let DH and MIl make their own arrangements, so long as they don't clash with previous plans. I'd then do my own thing when she visits and let DH run around after her. She's really not your responsibility to manage.

OK, squeakytoy so you'll accept that I dislike her without actually hearing my side of story? Great. . The evidence of emotional blackmail on her part, her vicious, nasty comments to her own son.

karmabeliever, really I wish I could opt out- it would be better all around. But I can't exactly never be here when she visits, can I? Perhaps I will instead not be here every 3rd visit or so.

Yes, I accept you dislike her, that is patently obvious! :)

I also think that the dils here who like their mil, would be wise to the fact that no matter how much they and their mil get along, should push come to shove, their sons will come before their dils.
I've seen it happen time and time again. Don't be naive enough to think that your mil loves their dils as much as their sons. Because if it were a case of their dil and son falling off a cliff, and she could only save one, the son would be the one who is saved.
There is a naive ignorance of the natural order of things on this thread and not only is it a bit smug, it's also dangerous.

squeakytoy That is fine. But I would also ask that you at least entertain the idea that I may have valid reasons for this dislike and that it has not come from nowhere. After all, it would make my life easier if I actually had some liking of her, believe me.

When I say opt out I mean don't cancel what you want to do because she's decided to visit. When she arrives, make her a cup of tea and then say something like 'I'll leave you to chat to DH, as I've already arranged to meet a friend for coffee', then go out for a bit. She will get a chance to see her son and you will get some space. If she is staying for a whole day or overnight, then you being out for a bit is not a big deal.

If DH is at work, then say you will get him to call her when he returns to arrange a suitable time for her to visit.

I guess what I'm saying is give the control of this relationship back to your husband. When I want to see my mum, I make the arrangements myself. I wouldn't get my DH to sort out a time for me to see her because he doesn't always know what i have planned. She's my mum, so i arrange visits with her.

I think if you too don't get along, then things will be more harmonious if you stand back a bit and not get so involved, emotionally and otherwise.

OK, so now you're talking rubbish! "Dangerous?"
Push will not come to shove with regard to my lovely mil as she passed away a few years back, but that IS NOT THE POINT. I would never have expected her to choose between her son and me. Why would I?
And why would you? What on earth is your problem?

I would say most definately no, my MIL is always fair, and on many occasions when push has come to shove, she has put me first when her son has behaved like an arse.

You seem to think in a very controlled and cold way of protocol, natural order, and "boundaries being maintained".

Yes, you are right, karmabeliever, that's what I shall do. My husband never arranges the time I spend with MY mum, after all: let him arrange it with his mother.

The key is to have regular time away when she visits, I agree. 2 days in her company is just too much without a break.

'Dangerous' is perhaps too strong a word, 'inadvisable' would be better.
Let us be honest here, most people here are mothers (by definition) the mothering bond is very, very strong by nature (generally speaking, of course).

So why is it any surprise to anybody that anybody concludes that of course most mothers will put their children before their dils or sils?

Like squeakytoy, I can think of a number of occasions where, when push came to shove, my MIL backed me up against my dh, her son. As I said earlier on this thread, she is very fair and evenhanded. By all means draw conclusions about what your MIL would do, but don't generalise like this - it weakens your argument.

I have to say that my children would come first with me. I might really like their spouses, love them even, but when it comes down to it, my children will always be my first priority.

I would tell my children if they were behaving badly or being unfair to their spouse. I would try to help. But, I would always love my children more than anyone else.

I'm not even sure where that idea came from, or how it is relevant to your original post.
You didn't want her to come; she's now not coming. Problem solved.
As a by-line, people have commented on the unpleasant way you speak about your mil. Clearly you don't like her and I'd hazard a guess she doesn't overly care for you. The only surprise to me is that she wanted to come and stay at all whilst you were there.
How is it relevant whether mothers prefer their own offspring over inlaws? I'd have thought that was a no-brainer. My main point earlier was that I think it unfair that so often husbands' mothers get less or more muted acccess to their grandchildren than mothers' mothers, iyswim. I hope you "allow" your mil to see her grandchildren, that's all.

Osprey, good luck when you become a MIL, because I have a feeling you will need it. :( I also feel sorry for any DIL who you may have, because she is going to be in for a disappointment if she hopes to have a close relationship with you. No doubt you would say it was "not appropriate".

I think it's a sign of being a good and loving parent to tell your kids if they are behaving badly. You want them to have good relationships and not mess up their marriages, so even if your MIl is taking your side, do you not think she is doing it with a view to preserving her own child's ultimate happiness?

Maybe I read too much into things and am getting cynical in my old age...

I think sometimes that paternal GPs don't see as much of the GC because the sons/husbands abdicate all responsibility for making arrangements to their wives. Perhaps they should say to their wives that they would like to see their parents and make some plans to do so. It's not all the DIL's fault. Perhaps some of these men should show some loyalty to their parents.

squeakytoy, I don't want a relationship with my mil. That does Not mean to say that I haven't liked or respected the mothers of previous partners. Still, though, I have instinctively never wanted to get too close with them. But, yes, the relationship between previous 'mils' and myself were easy and cordial enough and pleasant.

It is just the mil I have ended up with: she is domineering, demanding in that she should be able to have a career etc and do what she wants, but any other female should not be able to have same choices- she was very disagreeable when I decided to keep my own name.
She is ultra-rightwing. Makes terrible gaffes - when my gran died, instead of saying, like a normal person, 'I am sorry' she said: 'Still you weren't close to her so doesn't really matter'. She refused to apologise until my husband told her how upset I was. Jeez, and I am the unreasonable one here .

The woman is a nightmare. Of course, I don't want her around!

I mean anybody, anybody who was not a complete freak would simply say: 'Sorry, if I offended you. Shouldn't have said it.', wouldn't they? Why would they not? If only out of self interest in keeping things sweet between us. Her refusal to do the right thing and say a simple 'sorry' meant her son and her did not speak for 3 weeks. The woman is a freak.