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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking you shouldn't have to work at a relationship?

142 replies

Hammy02 · 05/05/2011 13:29

I often hear people saying they have to 'work' at their relationship and I never understand it. I have been with DP for 6 years and have argued probably 5 times ever. I've kissed my fair share of frogs before meeting him so I am not being smug. Life can be hard and throw horrific things at you that you have no control over but you can control who you have in your life. AIBU?

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 05/05/2011 13:31

YABU.

tinierclanger · 05/05/2011 13:32

I would have said the same as you prior to having DS. Do you have kids?
Because for me now the 'work' part is remembering to treat DH as important as well as DS. Making sure he gets a kiss when he comes through the door even if DS is jumping on me. That kind of thing...

Folicacid · 05/05/2011 13:33

have my first ever Biscuit

TobyLerone · 05/05/2011 13:34

You're working at it without even realising. Every time you do something nice for each other, every time you compromise, every time you make him a cup of tea or let him have a lie-in while you get up with the children.

Rarely arguing does not the perfect couple make.

yodelayheehoo · 05/05/2011 13:34

YABU

SarkyLady · 05/05/2011 13:34

YABU

SarkyLady · 05/05/2011 13:34

and the U is for Unrealistic

MySweetPrince · 05/05/2011 13:36

yabu - of course relationships have to have work- or effort if you like- put into them - sometimes it's bloody hard what life throws at you. I say this as a person who has been happily married for 27 years too.

JamaicaGeisha · 05/05/2011 13:37

YABU

BlueCat2010 · 05/05/2011 13:37

Of course you have to work at a relationship! I am like you in that we never argue, but without a little work the relationship becomes stagnent and you start taking each other for granted. It might not feel like work as it's the little things that make a difference, but neverthless it is work!

SoupDragon · 05/05/2011 13:39

YABUAS (you are being unreasonable and smug)

BagofHolly · 05/05/2011 13:39

Good for you. You sound bloody marvellous.

BecauseImWorthIt · 05/05/2011 13:40

You do have to work at it because you will find through your relationship that you and your partner are constantly changing, or you have difficult times to deal with (work/family for example), and you may react very differently to these. Also, if you haven't already experienced it, the arrival of children can be very unsettling for couples, and there's often a real power shift in the balance of a relationship.

I'm very glad you feel you haven't had to work at it so far - but I can tell you, having been with my DH for nearly 25 years, that there is a fair bit of working at things in the pipeline for you!

You would be wise to be prepared for this.

VoteAV · 05/05/2011 13:42

Snort 6 years ! You wait YABU

working9while5 · 05/05/2011 13:43

YABVVVVVVVU.

Seriously? You are asking for a kicking here.

I have been with dh for nearly 13 years. He is a great man, a fantastic dad, great sense of humour, I think he's cute as hell.. but we do have to work at our relationship.

Not arguing doesn't mean squat. We have had times in our relationship where we have been drifting because we have been too involved with work/other things and we never argue during these times. But drifting away from being intimate and being eachother's no. 1 port of call during a storm is far more dangerous than a squabble over who put the toilet seat down.

I don't really see how "life can be hard and throw horrific things at you" relates in any way to "you can control who you have in your life".
So if your dh (with no history of MH difficulties) became seriously clinically depressed following, say, a bereavement or being made redundant, would you react by not having them in your life because it's too much work? What if you lost a child? Or if you were raped? Or found out that your child had serious mental health issues/SN? These are real things that happen to real people and of course they impact upon relationships and mean that you have to work to ride the storm together.

At the other end of the spectrum, the everyday stuff also changes things. I was just under 21 when I met dh. We were carefree students who enjoyed travelling and going out clubbing together. Now we have a small son, hectic worklives, are trying to conceive and have ill and elderly parents. We have grown up together and from time to time, in the course of that journey, we have been closer and sometimes further apart. And if you spot the drift, you have to work to stop it e.g. come home earlier sometimes, surprise your partner, at the end of the day, put down the laptop with MN even though you're knackered and want to zone out to give a neck and shoulder massage because you know your partner needs it.

What's that film where it says that you're with someone a long time, you have years that are perfect and wonderful and years where sometimes you just get on eachother's goat. It's just life. It's totally and utterly unrealistic to think that you can just take your partner for granted and not put in any effort because you made the right choice to start off with Hmm. People and circumstances change and I think everyone is deserving of a partner that is willing to make an effort to keep them happy, come what may.

JamieAgain · 05/05/2011 13:44

I have been married for 13 years, together 22. I think you do have to, if not "work" at it, be more mindful of the effect of lack of time, sleep and children on your relationship, and NOT take it for granted.

jeckadeck · 05/05/2011 13:44

What Soupdragon said.

Ragwort · 05/05/2011 13:45

I'd like you to explain a bit more about how you 'don't work at your relationship' - are you both in total harmony 100% of the time, do you never, ever have to compromise over something; as Toby says, you are probably working at it without realising.

My DH and I never argue either - but that doesn't mean it's because we are not working at our relationship - it's because we are working bloody hard at it Grin.

JamieAgain · 05/05/2011 13:45

and what working9while5 said about life events such as illnesses and bereavements

thaigreencurry · 05/05/2011 13:45

At 6 years I didn't have to work at either. As time goes on it requires more effort and life can throw some pretty difficult stuff at you that puts pressure on your relationship.

You need to change your outlook as I have noticed that a lot of relationships that fail are between people who had unrealistic expectations and fled at the first sign of disharmony.

deemented · 05/05/2011 13:46

YNBU

And complacent, imo. And complacency breeds contempt.

cuteboots · 05/05/2011 13:46

Of course you have to work at any relationship as things are constantly chainging. YABVVU and Id love to live in your world!!

JamieAgain · 05/05/2011 13:48

I also think you can feel that you chose well, and sometimes that works out, but also I don't really think you can have utter foresight into the effect the changes will have on you. I feel very very lucky to have chosen DH, but that can sometimes lead to complacency. Watch out for that (we don't argue much either)

JamieAgain · 05/05/2011 13:48

X post with everyone

VoteAV · 05/05/2011 13:49

Do you have children yet ?

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