In thinking you shouldn't have to work at a relationship?

[Hammy02]

I often hear people saying they have to 'work' at their relationship and I never understand it. I have been with DP for 6 years and have argued probably 5 times ever. I've kissed my fair share of frogs before meeting him so I am not being smug. Life can be hard and throw horrific things at you that you have no control over but you can control who you have in your life. AIBU?

The fact that DH and can argue and make up actually makes me feel happy about our relationship and closer to him. Even in the middle of the biggest row I never feel scared that our relationship is going to suffer in any way.

He is the only person I feel comfortable having conflict with (except perhaps for my parents but I don't really have cause to argue with them any more!)

Good job as we argue quite a lot!

I don't really know if you are being unreasonable or not. There is, after all, a certain smugness about people who fight for a relationship that should be allowed to fall apart. I mean fighting is one thing, but surely there is an inverse snobbery and masochism about fighting for a relationship that is fundamentally shit?

On the other hand, perhaps it is wrong NOT to fight for a relationship that is fundamentally sound.

I do wonder at those who say they never argue. They must either have quite a narrow definition of arguing or else one of the partners is just very compliant or ambivalent. Dh and I rarely row or raise voices but we do argue because we don't agree on everything, and while there are some issues where we each give in to the other because it is not as important to us there are some issues where it takes us a while to reach a compromise. I don't think it is unhealthy to argue, and don't think not arguing is always a sign of a good relationship.

'He is the only person I feel comfortable having conflict with (except perhaps for my parents but I don't really have cause to argue with them any more!)' completely agree with this.

Sweating to polish a turd is masochistic and pointless, to sweat to polish a diamond has meaning to it.

Completely off topic here, sorry, but felt a bemused smile coming on at this:

I cringe everytime I see the words 'I am devoted to my DCs' and think 'those poor DCs-what a burden to carry'.
I expect you could say that I am devoted to mine in that their needs are central to me, but I have a life outside them and am encouraging them to do the same. I don't want to spoil school trips etc by crying as I wave them off, deny granny time alone with them because they can't have a night away from me, refuse to advertise for a babysitter because 'I don't trust anyone but family'.

I'm in total agreement with exotic and lequeen on this but it's not always that straightforward. I have to point out that I've only managed four nights out in the last two years. To anyone outside looking in I probably look like one of those parents you've been talking about as if I am not at work I am with my DC. However, the reality is that I'm a single parent with a full-time job, no family and two pre-schoolers. All my money is spent on childcare and my friends spend enough time babysitting for me to go to work that to ask them to babysit for me to socialise would be taking the mick (especially as I can't afford to go out anyway). I am basically a contented person who believes in counting my blessings, and because I don't go round looking and behaving as though I'm miserable you'd assume that I'm happy with this state of affairs. The truth is that while I love my DC dearly and spending time with them is always fun and enjoyable, I feel stifled and frustrated and fed up because I don't have the social network or the finances to kickstart my own social life. I can't wait for the kids to start school so I finally have some spare cash and some more babysitting available (plus two of my friends DC will be old enough to babysit then too). I keep myself stimulated by reading and keeping abreast with my hobbies online, but I can't wait to start going out there in person again.

In the meantime, although I like to do a lot of things with my DC, I certainly don't smother them. I've got a very laissez faire style of parenting. If they fall off a climbing frame it will teach them their limits, I don't plan activities to account for their every waking hour as learning to amuse yourself is a vital life skill IMO. I'm often complimented on my DCs social skills and level of independence. I've always felt that my most important purpose as a parent is to bring my children to a stage where they no longer need me.

Anyway, sorry for the long off-topic hijack. Regarding the OP, as a single person I'm probably not the best person to comment

Wamster :o Great analogy!

I think you are being totally naive.

I am fortunate in that I am surrounded by people of my parents age with strong relationships. I know though that even though many of them have been married for 30+ years they are still having to put some 'work' in. In their instances the changes that they are facing are retirement, redundancy, bereavement and empty-nesting.

Not arguing is not a marker of a good relationship and if you genuinely believe that you are an idiot.

I don't know if it is a great analogy or not, but to say YABU or YANBU seems to depend on circumstances, I think.
People have to be honest with themselves in their own hearts and minds; if somebody treats us badly there is no good reason to put up with it, so why fight? What's the point? If the relationship if fundamentally sound, but outside circumstances are taking their toll then by all means 'work at it'.
To work at something that is intrinsically duff is not worth it. We shouldn't be trapping people in living hells of relationships by telling them to 'work at it' regardless!

It does depend I guess - but I would say almost all of the people I know in longer relationships -10 year plus - especially with kids have gone through difficult times and had to work at it as some point. Could be small children, could be illness, stress at work etc etc -

It depends what you mean by arguing really, it's good to be able to have a debate and fine to have differing opinions, but I don't think it should ever get personal or unpleasant. Maybe people have different definitions of a 'good' relationship, but my definition would include treating each other with politeness and respect at the very least. We talk and are open about absolutely everything, there are no forbidden subjects (including things like attraction to other people) but I don't think there's ever any excuse for shouting or being rude or nasty. Adults should be able to control their temper, and if you feel you're struggling to do so, the best thing is to walk away, and come back when you're able to talk calmly.

It's not good to be trying to force or brow-beat the other person into agreeing with your point of view either, or doing what you think they should do, which I think a lot of arguments are about - you have to accept that they're a separate person.

The only real arguments I've ever had in my life have been with my parents, and I certainly do not have a good relationship with them.

No reply from OP so far...

a troll?

Maybe, but an interesting discussion for the rest of us all the same :)