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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking you shouldn't have to work at a relationship?

142 replies

Hammy02 · 05/05/2011 13:29

I often hear people saying they have to 'work' at their relationship and I never understand it. I have been with DP for 6 years and have argued probably 5 times ever. I've kissed my fair share of frogs before meeting him so I am not being smug. Life can be hard and throw horrific things at you that you have no control over but you can control who you have in your life. AIBU?

OP posts:

chopchopbusybusy · 05/05/2011 13:52

YABU. 6 years you say? You're practically still on your honeymoon.

gawdblimey · 05/05/2011 13:52

compromise is the name of the game in all relationships

psiloveyou · 05/05/2011 13:52

My dh and I never argue. That's because he just doesn't argue ever. That drives me crazy so I have to work very hard not to kill him out of sheer frustration because he wont have a damn good verbal clear out. He has to work hard to try and communicate with me because he is the strong silent type and I don't think that is always a good thing.
We have been together 15 years and we are very happy, but we have had to work very hard at it.
YABVU everyone is different.

MooMooFarm · 05/05/2011 13:53

YABU - but I would swap 'work' for 'keep making an effort'. But TBH I would see it as a bad sign if you have had to work after only 6 years together - you're still on your honeymoon you young whippersnapper!

Come back in 20 years

Pancakeflipper · 05/05/2011 13:55

Never lay on your laurels. You might find DP is laying down with someone else.

Of course people should work at their relationships. You never know what's around the corner. You don't have to constantly be flogging yourself to bits. But to think you never have to work at it is either naive or smug.

skaen · 05/05/2011 13:57

YABU. Working at a relationship means spending time (ideally on your own) with your partner, just catching up and remembering why you like each other. It isn't painfully negotiating every last detail, it is keeping communication going, your friendship alive and forging a strong base so you are in a better position if something really awful happens.

And what working says.

Ephiny · 05/05/2011 14:00

I think YANBU, DP and I have been together for 10 years (not long compared to some I know, but not 5 minutes either) and I've never felt like it was 'work'. We don't really argue either - we do sometimes disagree obviously and debate various issues where we have different opinions, but it's never ever descended into shouting at each other or worse.

We don't have children yet admittedly, I'm sure that will make a big difference but really hope it doesn't mean we'll have to constantly work and make effort to tolerate each other's company. If it does, I'd rather just have dogs instead!

LDNmummy · 05/05/2011 14:01

YABU, and 6 years is nothing, people stay together happily for 40 years before all hell breaks loose and they have to seriously 'work on it', or before realising they weren't actually as content as they thought (not alluding to your relationship though).

Besides, each time you and your DP have argued has been a time you have had to 'work on it' to some extent.

Some couples love each other dearly but end up having to 'work on it' because of external factors out of their immediate control, which happens a lot. DP and I are having to 'work on it' right now because of meddling family members putting us both through stress that unfortunately is affecting our relationship. We still love each other and wouldn't want to be apart though so we deal with it as it comes and choose to 'work on it' instead of give up.

Plus, going through this kind of thing makes it easier for you to deal with stressful situations that may come up in the future as you have already built a strong foundation together and know how to tackle things as a couple and get through it.

Frankly I find relationships where you never have to 'work on it' somewhat feeble and odd, though I do not judge because everyone is different.

VoteAV · 05/05/2011 14:02

Children make a massive difference

LDNmummy · 05/05/2011 14:04

And what Skaen says above, working on it sometimes is just the subtle things, such as being considerate and kind and loving. Regardless of the title, it isnt work in the sense that it is all consuming and taxing either, it is just being aware of each others wants and needs. Sometimes you find you are 'wroking on it' without even trying IYSWIM.

JemAndTheHolograms · 05/05/2011 14:07

YABTU!

I've been with DH for 16 years, (since I was 16)! We didn't have to work at our relationship in the first few years at all, but then we didn't have kids we did have our fair share of problems though. We've had many ups and downs over the years last year being the biggest hurdle we've ever been through. We very nearly split up, but we worked on it and our now stronger and more in love than ever. Sometimes we're far too soppy and like a couple of teenagers, we only got to this point because we worked on it!

OTheHugeManatee · 05/05/2011 14:07

I think it depends who you are. If you're lucky enough to have grown up in a pleasant, positive family environment and become an adult with relatively few issues then chances are you'll meet and settle with someone similar, and perhaps - hopefully - it'll be plain sailing.

OTOH if you grew up in an unhappy family situation and don't want to repeat your parents' mistakes then you have to work pretty hard on yourself in order to learn from scratch, as an adult, how to be a healthy and functioning person in a healthy and functioning relationship. In that situation needing to work at your relationship is also likely to be part of the picture.

I'm in that situation and find it just a teeny bit galling to hear about how much easier some find love and relationships. That said, I'm glad your relationship is wonderful and wish you many years of happiness.

LeQueen · 05/05/2011 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Linchan · 05/05/2011 14:13

Not unreasonable, just naive, I think. I don't think anyone else has the right to say whether or not you are unreasonable in this case. It's your opinion, not something that requires a value judgement from other people. Good luck. You might need it in future.

fruitshootsandheaves · 05/05/2011 14:14

I don't have to 'work' at mine.

DH works.
I stay and home and mumsnet watch daytime tv and eat grapes. I wish

blossomtrees · 05/05/2011 14:16

Not BU but obviously have not had many problems thrown in your path.Try having a special needs son with severe autism and challenging behaviour and staying all lovey dovey after 25 years

VoteAV · 05/05/2011 14:16

I suppose it depends on your definition of work really. Putting up with a partner who is continually an arse would be the wrong kind of work IMO However, supporting someone through grief and them being depressed and hard work for a while is different.

Ephiny · 05/05/2011 14:19

I did have quite an unhappy childhood in quite a dysfunctional family and really have no relationship with my parents any more. In a way I think that's why I love and appreciate DP so much, he's so completely unlike my parents and has helped me see things and myself in a different way.

OTheHugeManatee · 05/05/2011 14:23

Perhaps it's just me then, Ephiny

Insomnia11 · 05/05/2011 14:33

You have to find time to spend together, to be affectionate, think about what you are saying rather than just blurt out the first angry thing that comes into your head, make an effort with the other person sometime when you are feeling like shit yourself, trying not to take the other person for granted...that's working at a relationship.

It means making time for one another in spite of stress at work, children, family troubles, bereavement, illness and all the other things life throws at you. Life is sometimes hard work.

flipflopfly · 05/05/2011 14:34

It depends on your definition of work
DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 6. For me its not "work" because we both come from highly dysfunctional families so anything that doesn't involed MH issues, serial infidelity, financial crisis and addiction seems to be pretty easy going. However kids made a huge impact, moving abroad and me stopping work an even bigger one - so we talk alot, we argue sometimes (and sulk others) and then we realise that actually we want to grow old and grey together. So not its not work but it is a concious effort

YABU if you think you can just drift along but YANBU if you don't consider it work

flipflopfly · 05/05/2011 14:36

Lord what happened to my spelling .... ah its 10.30 and G&T time that will be it!

noodle69 · 05/05/2011 14:36

I dont really think it takes work as such I suppose it takes consideration and effort to take each others needs in to consideration.

However I think some people seem to think that relationships/marriages should be hard work with the woman putting up with all kinds of crap from a man such as not helping ever, not letting them have a social life, not taking turns to do anything etc. A marriage shouldnt be like that and that isnt work you are putting in you are just being taken for a mug.

LeQueen · 05/05/2011 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flipflopfly · 05/05/2011 14:36

Gets worse .... 10.30 pm over here

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