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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking you shouldn't have to work at a relationship?

142 replies

Hammy02 · 05/05/2011 13:29

I often hear people saying they have to 'work' at their relationship and I never understand it. I have been with DP for 6 years and have argued probably 5 times ever. I've kissed my fair share of frogs before meeting him so I am not being smug. Life can be hard and throw horrific things at you that you have no control over but you can control who you have in your life. AIBU?

OP posts:
boogiewoogie · 05/05/2011 14:44

What planet are you on?

Having few arguments has nothing to do with how "good" a relationship is. It is unusual for any two people to agree with each other all the time. IMHO, communication and the ability to resolve conflict in your relationship is more important in a relationship than "not arguing".

Ephiny · 05/05/2011 14:49

I'm sure it's not just you OTHM, more likely I've just been lucky to find someone who puts up with me Grin. I think it's well known that dysfunctional childhood doesn't put you in an ideal starting position when it comes to adult relationships.

LeQueen I suppose some people would say we are a bit 'disinterested', though I wouldn't put it like that. We certainly are quite independent and give each other space, sometimes sleep separately etc, don't try to control or restrict each other's behaviour. It depends what you mean by arguing as well - it should be fine to have differences of opinion and debate them heatedly at times, but I would not ever accept someone shouting or swearing at me, or deliberately making hurtful remarks, and I would never do those things to him either. Shouting is a particular dislike of mine actually, I guess due to chidlhood issues, I consider it a form of aggression on the same continuum as physical violence.

Insomnia11 · 05/05/2011 14:50

We never have big steaming rows and call each other names, neither of us are confrontational. But we do have disputes, sometimes getting a bit heated about things - DIY and money, children, politics. I am more volatile and moody than him and raise my voice more. But we agree on the important things and are actually very similar in character. I think we are also both actually quite reasonable and secure people and quick to see in a situation where we may have been in the wrong ourselves. But I wouldn't say we never argue.

2rebecca · 05/05/2011 14:55

I don't feel I work much at my current relationship either. I think being pleasant to each other, remembering they are your friend and lover as well as husband and making time to talk to each other alone helps. We don't argue much, and never shout at each other, but then we're not shouty people. I think we're both good at compromising.

Reality · 05/05/2011 15:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheeplikessleep · 05/05/2011 15:04

You have to work hard in a long term relationship, because people are human, have flaws and take each other for granted. Relationships go through peaks and troughs, as do friendships, family relationships etc.

To 'work' at something is to prioritise it every so often, to make the effort to make time for each other (when there are a million and one other things that need doing), things that don't always happen when you've been with someone for a long time. Sometimes I look at other people, couples who've only just got together and think, where does that magic, that insatiable desire to rip each others clothes off go, staring into each others eyes? That passion, that interest, that love for each other needs reminding every so often. Maybe it's the term 'work' that sounds like 'hard work'. I think it's more just a gentle nudge every so often. It's difficult to not take someone for granted, when they're always there, have been for years, when you know how they think. I have to tell myself not to take DH for granted.

Mind you, thanks for this thread, because it gives me a kick up the arse to tell DH I love him and appreciate him. And yes, I do take him for granted, so yes, our relationship does always need 'work'.

LeQueen · 05/05/2011 15:05

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VajazzHands · 05/05/2011 15:08

You are being a bit silly.

Champersonice · 05/05/2011 15:08

You work at school.
You work at 'work'.
So why not work at a marriage/relationship?

Simple.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 15:13

YABU- and complacent. Read workig9while5's sensible post.

LeQueen · 05/05/2011 15:14

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wordfactory · 05/05/2011 15:18

I don't see the term 'work' as negative at all.
I work hard on my projects, I work hard to ensure my children get a good education and have a happy stable home life.
I work hard-ish at keeping my appearance reasonable.

Why would working hard at my marriage be negative? It doesn't mean one is necessarily doing things one doesn't want, just re-assing, prioritising, spoiling occasionally. I'm absolutely certain DH would laugh if you asked him, but he does work at making me happy. He does things I know are just for my benefit all the time.

LeQueen · 05/05/2011 15:20

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wordfactory · 05/05/2011 15:26

Also if you agree on the fundementals, there's more time and energy to do the little things.

DH sing from the same hymn sheet over work/money/the children...so that leaves so much more space for me to nod at his endless tales of how this year is going to be the worst ever for his business. Or for him to smile while I drag him around an Emin exhibition.

wordfactory · 05/05/2011 15:27

Interesting thought though. If you didn't agree on the fundementals, would you have the energy to work on those things?
Wouldn't that just get you down?

LeQueen · 05/05/2011 15:34

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/05/2011 15:34

I sort of agree with you, OP, I can see where you're coming from in that if you have met somebody you really click with, 'working on the relationship' doesn't really register because it's not a chore, it's quite easy most of the time, notwithstanding spats and disagreements that happen sometimes.

I think there are some people who are so desperate to have somebody in their lives that they settle for whoever will have them, spending all their time and energy on tryng to 'keep them'... and that's where the hard work really starts and never ends. Confused

noodle69 · 05/05/2011 15:42

sheeplikesleep - I think if you have the passion and love for each other it never feels like actual work imo. Thats why I think work is the wrong word.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 15:47

If you don't work at it, and prioritise time together, you end up like the recent thread on 'pestering for sex' when a couple go away without DCs, with different expectations and start bandying words about 'rights'. If you are down to arguing about 'rights' you definitely need to work at it!

noodle69 · 05/05/2011 15:50

If you love each other though you will want to prioritise time together and have sex. It shouldnt be an effort.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 15:52

I don't think it is work so much but it is very easy to put DCs first and the partner can come way down on sleeping arrangements, eating arrangements etc.
Looking back the bringing up DCs is over in a flash and then you are alone together-you need to make sure that you have grown apart-bogged down by daily living. It isn't exactly working at it, but too many people won't get babysitters, leave their DCs with grandparents etc. Some people on MN have said in surprise-why would we need time alone? They become parents and every other aspect goes.

sheeplikessleep · 05/05/2011 15:55

LeQueen - you are very lucky, but it's so reassuring to hear.

I am guilty of taking DH for granted and him me, particularly since having our 3.6 year old and 13 month old. I do love DH with all of my heart, he is working away next week and I hate him being away and I will look forward so much to him coming back and spending time with him. I am so guilty of not realising what I have right under my nose. But I think we do get into 'bad habits' and just live, until we do get that kick up the arse every so often. It's hard not to get absorbed into the daily grind, but to take a step back and just appreciate each other, without thinking about the bills that need paying, when your kids are going to be up at 4.30am again, the fact the car needs mending etc. But I wouldn't be with anyone else, and yes we have similar attitudes and outlooks on things. I'm waffling on, but I agree, 'work' is a bad word, for me, it's about remembering to make the effort.

noodle69 · 05/05/2011 15:58

Oh no totally agree with that. I think its great to have time alone and everyone if they can should have some. I also think having a baby shouldnt completely change you so you are no longer the people that each other fell in love with. You need to have your own social life and remain an interesting person that they were attacted to. I do think some people do act like once they have a child their life is over and its 100% about the child. I think you should always make sure that you should be a priority to each other as you do to your child.

noodle69 · 05/05/2011 16:02

sheep - I am very much like Lequeen is with my own husband. We are only 27 though but have been married 7 years. I think having time alone is important, dont stop having fun and dont take life to seriously. Stick the kids down and get in bed together not just for sex but spending time like you did when you first got together. I dont think being a parent has to mean you completely change and stop being loved up with each other.

exoticfruits · 05/05/2011 16:02

I agree noodle69. Too many people say-'we haven't been out alone together for 10 yrs and why would we want to?'!!

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