In thinking you shouldn't have to work at a relationship?

[Hammy02]

I often hear people saying they have to 'work' at their relationship and I never understand it. I have been with DP for 6 years and have argued probably 5 times ever. I've kissed my fair share of frogs before meeting him so I am not being smug. Life can be hard and throw horrific things at you that you have no control over but you can control who you have in your life. AIBU?

I used to love watching my parents dressing up to go out! My mums hairspray , dad's shirt...

Laquitar, my brother would kick up if my Mum would put on make-up and perfume as he knew she was going out! And would kick up for the evening till she got back! I was the babysitter [bitter emoticon]

OP, I remember talking with a friend who was devastated that her dp had broken up with her. She couldn't understand why as they had "never argued". I think sometimes if you don't argue, one or both partners can have issues simmering under the surface which can cause the end of the relationship as they are never addressed.

I agree that relationships shouldn't involve much work. I do think in the early days - say 1st 4 years - there will probably be a bit more work as you agree how to live, parent, and plan things together. But a lot of this is about listening to each other and finding things that work for your family. And the more you agree about important things, the less you have to do this.

My OH and I have been together for over 20 years. We don't really work at ourrelationship as such. Yes we want each other to be happy and will do things that we think will help with this. But our pressures come from outside - bereavements, elderly ill parents, etc - and our relationship provides the strength to deal with these.

The things that make a relationship last IME are love, trust, respect and a willingness to compromise. You can't really work on these things to any large extent - maybe trust.

Well, of course it's work sometimes. You have to compromise, bite your tongue, sacrifice...but as long as you are doing these things equally it should all work out.

DH and I are very different people, but we couldn't be without each other. We've had our rough patches, but we're mad for each other and have a very strong physical connection, which has helped us through some hard times. And we just plain want it to work; we took our vows seriously and want to be together and make a good life for DS. Sometimes that takes work.

I think that if you really love someone, that your effort barely registers. I agree with Reality, that you are unconsciously working on your relationship, rather than finding it hard work.

And I think that the OP has had an unreasonably hard time here, because it's just a question of definition really.

My parents never argued - got divorced though

I think you are being naive - good luck to you if you don't need to put in any work - most people do.

I'm not sure it's good for children to never see their parents argue - I know DH's parents never argued in front of the children and so he doesn't know how to do it - can't resolve conflict simply or effectively, perhaps because of this? I know it's not good for DC to constantly witness their parents sniping, bickering and yelling at each other, but the occasional argument --> resolution is a good teaching tool, surely?

I agree thumbwitch-you don't want full blown, screaming rows but DCs ought to know that you can argue, resolve and move on.
I find myself agreeing with every word you write LeQueen
I cringe everytime I see the words 'I am devoted to my DCs' and think 'those poor DCs-what a burden to carry'.
I expect you could say that I am devoted to mine in that their needs are central to me, but I have a life outside them and am encouraging them to do the same. I don't want to spoil school trips etc by crying as I wave them off, deny granny time alone with them because they can't have a night away from me, refuse to advertise for a babysitter because 'I don't trust anyone but family'.
I don't want to be left with 'empty nest syndrome' wondering what to do with the rest of my life and whether I can get on with 'the stranger' I am left with. I am getting to that stage now and it is really exciting-he isn't a stranger and we will be able to do all the things put on hold for so long.
When they are little it seems a lifetime, but it goes in a flash-they are very much on loan and your job is to give them roots and wings-to do this you need to keep your relationship in the forefront, not just take it for granted and expect it to come out the same way it started. You need to grow together-not on parallel lines.

What defines 'work'? I don't feel that our relationship is unpleasant work.

But throughout the last 15 years we have had times where we have been distant from each other, sometimes actually physically with DH's travelling. Sometimes a bit like ships in the night because of kids and jobs and all of it. But we both notice when this is happening and then make an effort to re-prioritise each other.

Just simple things like moving from opposite ends of the lounge to snuggle up to watch a film. Giving him a buzz when I am going shopping to see if there is anything he needs. Sometimes cooking stuff I can't stand because I know he loves it. Being brought a cup of tea in bed on a weekend, him stroking the back of my head as he goes past (and lots more). It is the little things I think that really add up.

DH and I also just tell each other straight up what we need at any particular time, there is no hedging or head games or expecting the other to guess.

We have arguments, not many and never violent (though there have been some where I have had to control myself from throwing whatever I have in my hand at him [not a great idea if it happens to be a cast iron pan for instance]), we haven't done the proper slam door and leave type argument since our first year of marriage together.

When someone loves you, you have a lot of power to hurt them, I try to be very mindful of that when we are having an argument. So that is work.

The family we have made together is so good, so amazingly good that I sometimes wait for the crash, it seems that I cannot have been this lucky, that something awful must be about to happen.

So I think we do 'Work' at our relationship but almost the work is the relationship if that makes any sense.

It may depend on OP's definition of argument. My parents swear they never argue. They do - but they don't have screaming matches with each other. That is their definition of an argument.

I do think disagreement about work is probably a matter of definition with most posters. But I do remember in my younger days in other relationships, having interminable discussions with boyfriends about our relationship - usually just before we split up. My OH and I don't do this and I agree that relationships don't need this kind of work. But compromise, supporting each other,cutting each other slack, etc - this is just day to day stuff that is especially important when horrible external things happen - as they inevitably do over long periods of time.

I agree that 6 years, really isn't that long a relationship. And OP may have a different view in 10 years time.

I think if a relationship is right you do have to work at it but you want to do so and often do subconsciously. I agree with Le Queen and also with Lesley 33. I think also that love grows over the years and I love DH differently and more strongly now than when I met him 22 years ago. We have both changed over the years to a degree partly because of our shared experiences and our capacity to deal with them but it has brought a greater understanding of each other. In the early days DH didn't seem overly emotional when we had problems having babies, I seemed to take the death of my father in my stride, DH was devastated by the death of his in a way I couldn't have imagined. As we have got older I have reverted to being more sociable, DH to being quieter and more driven. But together we have carved our niche, accepted our differences and love each other a bit more either in spite of or because of.

At the end of the day our aspirations were similar, our interests were similar, our values were similar and it's hard enough when everything's right - it must be an uphilll struggle when it isn't.

I agree with you Op, love should be natural and not forced. Me and Dh argue like crazy occasionally but it's easy to make up again very quickly. If you love each other you are good to each other which makes for a happy marriage.

I've been married for 15 years so I hardly qualify as a honeymooner, we've been through things together that would have torn other couples apart. I've never "worked" at our marriage, neither has he, we're just happy to have each other.

YABU. I was with DH for 10 years, hardly argued, great team etc. before he did something so surprising and upsetting (not infidelity) I thought it was over. We "worked at it" and its fine again. Better in fact. I might have said the same as you a few years ago and now I realise relationships are a long game!

I kinda know what the op means

If by work you mean I relentless grind of gritted teeth to keep life on an even keel with no joy or happiness between you unless you are constantly giving it everything, then that is work and no, you shouldn't have to to that kind of work

If by work, she means being kind, putting your dp before yourself often, going out of your way for them, and letting them know they are loved (by words or deeds) then, when it is all going well, that doesn't feel like work and becomes a pleasant habit for you both. Your default position. Not work

Does that make sense? I've done both kinds of work and not worked at all at relationships

Of course you have to work at it, you'd have to work at any relationship where you are living in such close proximity. It's easy to become complacent, but people change, your relationship changes. I've found having young children has put a real strain on our relationship, not so that it is in any danger, but so that we have to make an extra effort not to just co-parent.

I love all the 'just make sure you get the kids in bed by 7 & do fun stuff'. By the time dh has wrestle the 3 year old into bed, and I've fed the baby into submission, which has only been working for about 6 weeks, we are too knackered to do anything fun, and with the baby still waking at least twice a night dh more often than not sleeps on the sofa so he can sleep and rescue me in the morning.

We are conscious of this though and take things through, understanding that this is temporary, and that takes work and awareness. Dd1 was at my mum's for the weekend and dd2 was quiet and I just hugged dh and said 'hi, we used to be married'

YABU, i have a very easy relationship with my dh and "work" hardly registers however at the moment with dc3, I have MS and every morning my dh gets up and gets the kids ready for school and every evening he comes home and I am already in bed, he brings me dinner. I am aware of how much "work" he is doing for me. I have booked a weekend away for the two of us next month as a suprise and we are going out for dinner this weekend. I want him to know i appreciate him and that i'm not a moaning wreck all the time. I may even get my bikini wax done before we go, all small things but "work" none the less.

bumper I think the difference is you accept that this is a. not ideal and b. temporary.

I have twins so you can imagine how completely subsumed I was during the baby stage. Their arrival coincided with my husband taking a new position and masses more work. Oh and we moved house.

Our relationship was very low priority...and I think that was right at that time.

But slowly things calmed and I was able to carve out things for myself and DH again. The problems begin, I think, when one partner doesn't want to or can't move beyond that subsumed stage.

Agree word, but if you don't talk about and make an effort it can all go wrong. In the early stages I could see dh getting a bit despondent and I had to remind him that the way things were was completely normal & we went through the exact same thing, had the exact same arguments when dd1 came along.

Yes, I have as little patience with partners who expect things to all go back to normal immediately after a baby is born, as I do with those who refuse to realise that they and their partners are still people not just parents.

The immediate aftermath of birth is a time for all parties to accept that they and their relationship take second place. But at some point that changes and you can and must start prioritising yourself and your DP at least some of the time.

Morloth puts it well; it's about how you define work. Like anything else you do in life- if you enjoy doing it, you don't resent the work, but you might still be working quite hard at times.

It is well known that some things put strain on a relationship: bereavement, SEN children, disability, job loss, mental health problems: no relationship is safe from those and it doesn't necessarily say a lot about the relationship.

I remember my mum and dad going through some rough patches- almost exclusively due to external pressures imo- when I was in my teens: if they had given up and assumed it was because they were with the wrong person, they'd have missed out on 30 good years and counting.

What I would be wary of, though, is an unequal relationship; where one person is doing all the work of forgiving and understanding and adapting.

P.S. If hard work is a sign of someone being the wrong person, I'd have thrown out dd long ago

Depends how you define work. We don't raise voices but I think it's good for children to watch their parents discuss issues and negotiate, especially if this means some compromise.

dh and I dont argue either

We have "frank exchanges of opnion"!!!

A good argument can clear the air IMO (and more importantly can lead to make up sex)

I would have agreed before children came along.
DH and I never really argue so I thought we weren't having to work at it, but as it turns out I wasn't working at it. Poor old DH was working very hard at putting up with his cranky, argumentative, stubborn, know-it-all wife .

Whether YABU or not depends on what you mean by "working at it".