In thinking you shouldn't have to work at a relationship?

[Hammy02]

I often hear people saying they have to 'work' at their relationship and I never understand it. I have been with DP for 6 years and have argued probably 5 times ever. I've kissed my fair share of frogs before meeting him so I am not being smug. Life can be hard and throw horrific things at you that you have no control over but you can control who you have in your life. AIBU?

LeQ - sometimes people who give up their sooial life when they've had a baby have just had enough of the social life side of things too - I had a decent social life but was starting to tire of some aspects of it by the time I got pg, so was more than happy to drift into reclusivity after DS was born. By-product of age, in my case.

OP - are you saying that if you ever have to actually put in any effort you would rather call it a day? Nice.

I find dh easy. Sometimes our relationship takes work. Sometimes I am so in love with him, I don't know what to do with myself and other times I'm not even sure I like the man thta much. But overall, I find our realtionship very little work. I thought that was the way it was supposed to be, Or actually, I thought it was this way becasue I had chosen VERY carefully when I chose him. I knew he was a 'nice man'. And thats why I think its quite easy.

No empty nest syndrome for me, in the future. I can't wait till the little 'darhlings' leave home and its just me and dh again !!

I guess it depends how you define 'work'.

To some, it is the hard work of keeping a relationship going when in reality it is over ; due to infidelity/falling out of love/growing apart etc.

To others, it is about remembering that our opinions, desires and needs are not always exactly the same at any given time and doing what we can to make it easier for us as a couple, to deal with that. It means that sometimes we have to compromise on things where we are not in agreement. It's working at our relationship but it doesn't have to feel like we are doing hard labour in a prison yard!

6 years... fairly early days.... try 18 years and see how ya doin.

you work at life all your life

YABVVU relationships do need work, there will be problems in a relationship, no relationship is perfect, you and your partner have to communicate, and compromise, not just run away at the first problem.

YANBU

The right relationship doesn't feel like work.

The whole "relationships are work/about compromise/unexciting after a time" thing is responsible for a lot of people (women?) staying in shit relationships where they are deeply unhappy.

Loving someone with all your heart, building a life with them, supporting them through shit times, missing out on stuff you want occasionally to make them happy, prioritising your relationship and sharing the mundane and special moments of life should be easy.

There may be times when one of you fucks up and creates a situation that needs to be worked through.

But work as the default? Nah, not necessary

Secondcoming - A social life doesnt have to mean clubbing and drinking. It means having something outside the home that you enjoy thats just for you, or things you do with your husband without the kids. If you dont do anything for yourself at all and focus 100% on the children then when they leave you will be lost. Its about having a life and being a person in your own right and not just a mum. I think its very important.

It depends on what you mean by "work".

Do relationships sometimes involve compromise? Yes. Do you sometimes have to do something you don't want to do, because it would make your partner happy? Yes. Do you sometimes need to remind yourself to do something nice for your partner? Yes. Do you sometimes need to make the effort to put aside time for just the two of you? Yes.

I wouldn't call any of this "work" though. Usually, it's stuff I want to do anyway, I just need to remind myself sometimes. But I can see that some people might call this "work", in the sense that it does require some form of effort.

Ok so I am being v cynical here but can anyone else smell a journalist?!

I adore the DDs, but I understand they're only really on loan to us for about 18 years, then they'll leave and live their own lives which is just as it should be. Whereas, hopefully I'll spend 60 years with DH, so our relationship is equally as important

Very sensible.I think that people lose sight of the fact that DCs are on loan and the parents job is to gradually let them go. I'm sure that people wouldn't have problems with MIL if MIL had kept her own friends, hobbies and interests-jointly with DH and separately. If people are 'just parents', they are going to find it all difficult when the DCs spread their wings.

We have a great relationship but sometimes it flows more easily than others. We have been together for 15 years and been through a lot. I think when you are together for a long time you actually have lots of different relationships with the same person - some phases are lovely some are tougher. EG when DH suffered lots of bereavements and became depressed. When I was struggling to look after mum with dementia and the kids. It caused tensions sometimes - but we kept talking and trusting and loving each other so I guess sometimes it has felt more 'worked on' than others. Other times it's blissful and we're right in tune.

YABU.

Things happen in life that affect relationships whether you want them to or not. Sometimes, to get them back on track, you have to work at them.

Even the little things count as working at a relationship.

You say that life throws things at you that you can't control but you can control who you have in your life. Does that mean you left your preious relationships when times get tough rather than worked at them?

If something happened tomorrow that meant a major change took place in your current relationship and times got hard somehow, would you leave you OH rather than work at the relationship?

I adore my DC but must admit that one of my favourite things is when DH and I spend the weekend away together. Such a laugh.

If I have one concern it's that DH doesn't egt enough time to himself. He's all work or the family. I often meet friends in the day, but he rarely meets friends more than once every couple of months.
I feel bad for him.

And yes, I agree that when this in life have been tough, DH has been my biggest rock...it's when all is going swimmingly I'm more inclined to hit himover the head with a frying pan

lequeen the people (mainly women tbf) I know who insist of prioritising their DC before everything are the ones who won't work, won't go out, won't put their DC in their own rooms etc....you have to make room for yourself and that's fine for DC to know I think.