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Original poster

To be shocked at how many mners seem to condone smacking

780 replies

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 13:47

I am not talking about people who have smacked in anger and post saying "oh no, I lost it and smacked my DC" - everyone makes mistakes and no-one is perfect! I am talking about those who use smacking as a considered, pre meditated form of punishment/discipline. I know this was discussed a lot on another thread a few days ago, and I was pretty much told "each to their own" - but I am genuinely surprised that it seems to be a popular method here?

OP posts:
valiumbandwitch · 03/05/2011 17:08

I think the complete opposite to you OP, I think MN-ers are a bit ott in their condemnation of slapping. I mean, I don't recommend it, but I wouldn't call the occasional slap 'abuse' either.

I agree you can post what you like though. When you analyse it, most of what we say here is meaningless or controversial or just chit chat. is this thread the wrong sort of controversial?

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 03/05/2011 17:11

I don't smack and I don't agree with it but blimey I have bloody well wanted to, I have grabbed roughly and squeezed hands tightly too, which I suppose is physical discipline and I don't like myself for it.

Saying all that though there have been occasions when I have been quite calm and collected and looked at my dc when they have behaved in a truly awful fashion and thought "honestly, a smack would be really effective right now" and I do think that sometimes there are behaviours that warrant it. However I wouldn't ever hit my child because fundmentally I do not agree with using violence against anyone let alone my own children who are tiny and defenceless.

I was beaten regularly as a child and it has had a real effect on the adult I have become. What is that saying? fear breeds resentment, resentment breeds anger, anger breeds hate or something like that. There were times when I was growing up when I hated my mother from the bottom of my soul for her attacks on me, I couldn't bear for my kids to feel that way about me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 17:11

Oh yes, the Death Stare... LeQueen... I think every mother has one (or needs one) in her arsenal. My Mum also had the 'gritted teeth' signal that let us knew we were dancing right there on the line... Grin

I agree with Squeakytoy in that if you use smacking as the tool it was supposed to be, you actually end up doing very little as there are discernible warnings long before you ever get there.

People who say that 'if you have to smack, you've lost', aren't correct in my book, I would amend that statement to 'if you have to lose your temper, you've lost'.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 03/05/2011 17:12

My MIL cries now when she remember how she hit my DH and his sister. It was premeditated and wrong.

She looks atmy DC and cannot believe she could hit such small people.

It's very wrong.

Clytaemnestra · 03/05/2011 17:13

Animation - if you were in court you'd be told off for desperately attempting to lead the witness.

My parents smacked me a few times. I'm extremely close to my parents and certainly don't feel it damaged me in any way. I have no memories of it being even slighlty humilating.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 17:15

WhiteBum - that's interesting. I wonder if grandparents often feel like that. They see their g-children much more as the individual they are rather than the pain-in-the-bum that they sometimes appear to us parents.

Mumofaflump · 03/05/2011 17:15

DS is only 18 weeks so I can't comment on my parenting yet but I have slapped my little sister on the legs when looking after her.

Scenario:

18 year old me, 2 year old lil'sis. I was struggling with a full shopping trolley and trying to keep her holding my hand as we left the shop. She twisted away and went for the ice-cream van across the road. I dropped the shopping, grabbed her and slapped her legs. She never did it again.

At 2 she was too young to fully comprehend that a road = danger. However a slap round the legs taught her that running for the road = a shock and mild pain. I'd rather that than she had foud out the pain of being hit by a car.

FWIW my dad slapped my face in anger when I was about 14 as I was upset and asking for my mum (divorced parents). I stopped crying, looked at him and slapped him back! My relationship with my dad has been harmed (not just by this, a culmination of things). When DS is older I will not rule out the odd smack, but it will not be my, I hesitate to say punishment as that suffers pre-meditated, warning of choice.

Crikey, that was a bit of a waffle!

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 03/05/2011 17:16

My Mum does a cats bum face if I so much as raise my voice to get a point across to my dc and it pisses me off, this is the woman who knocked me from here to kingdom come throughout my childhood.

Mumofaflump · 03/05/2011 17:17

For suffers please read suggests.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 17:18

farkthat. I can see how that would piss you off. Has she ever said anything about being sorry ...?

MilaMae · 03/05/2011 17:18

I agree Fastedwina dp was saying he'd read something about threatening to take away treasured items being classed as cruel.I laughed initially then got thinking,actually is that any nicer than a swift tap on the leg?

I was smacked as a child,hated it but often asked for a quick smack instead of not being allowed to read at night.

Basically I think you do your best. I don't think a smacking policy is right but what is? You do your best to raise nice kids who will fit in well with the world,it's a long journey. I think the ideal is to avoid smacking,hollering,blackmail etc but we're all human and sometimes one or the other will happen.

MilaMae · 03/05/2011 17:24

Don't get me on the grandparents thing,it's just not the same.

My parents were the strictest out there and I mean strict. However regarding my dc they're soft verging on indulgent.I've had to have words.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 17:28

Mila - I can also see that some gp are soft in order to show parents up or undermine them.....

exoticfruits · 03/05/2011 17:35

I don't think that it is as bad as a recent thread where posters were defending their right to wash out their DC's mouth with soap 'as long as it was part of a loving relationship'. I couldn't get my head around that one.Shock
They would have been incandescent with rage if anyone else did it to their DC and a teacher would be suspended for it, and yet it was their 'right as a mother'!!!!
Smacking didn't seem as bad in comparison.

Mamaz0n · 03/05/2011 17:37

i don't think there is any such thing as a considered well informed smack.

If anyone sat and thought and researched assault as a method of discipline they simply wouldn't use it.

sims2fan · 03/05/2011 17:38

Animation - yes, I do think the punishment fit the crime. It shocked me into my normal behaviour and we were all able to get on with the rest of the day and have fun. And like I have previously said, the smack made me feel mortified that my behaviour must have been bad enough to warrant a smack. I was embarrassed that I must have been being obnoxious in front of our friends.

I do worry that I am coming across as suggesting that smacking is always the way to discipline your children, as I definitely do not think that. I just gave my anecdote as an example of when it can be appropriate.

Many a time I have been at a bus stop or on a train and have seen a small child try to talk to their parent only to be ignored because parent can't be bothered or is playing on a mobile phone. The child then acts up, parent continues to ignore so child behaves even worse. Child then gets smacked and/or shouted out and I cringe inside because if the parent had just talked to their child in the first place it could all have been avoided.

Also I was once out with my SIL who smacked her just turned 1 year old nephew just because he grabbed her glasses when she bent over. I said to my husband that if she ever did that to our child I would be furious. He wasn't naughty he was just a baby and not even her own child.

So I am definitely not in favour of smacking very much, but I, like some other posters grew up with parents who knew when it was warranted and so used it as a discipline method very sparingly but effectively and I know that it can work. Unfortunately a lot of people use it too often and when it is most definitely not necessary.

MilaMae · 03/05/2011 17:41

Jamie with mine I just think it's what you said before- they worship the ground they walk on and seem to be oblivious to them being complete pita ie they're not living with them and they've forgotten what it's like,they also had 2 girls not twin boys and a very feisty tomboy Wink.

Animation · 03/05/2011 17:44

Clytaemnestra

What do you mean "leading the witness" your honour!

Well - I recommend Alice Miller's - "For Your Own Good" - she talks about the adverse effects of feelings of humiliation not admitted to consciousness.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 17:45

There's an unsettling degree of agreement and good humour on this thread

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 17:47

Thankyou mamazon now why couldn't I say it in one sentence Grin!

Clytaemnestra · 03/05/2011 17:47

Animation - so, despite me saying quite firmly that I was not humiliated, you will continue to believe that I'm lying and not admitting it to myself?

Then this conversation can't really go any further can it?

maypole1 · 03/05/2011 17:55

Add message | Report | Message poster bagpusss Tue 03-May-11 16:20:51
"agreeing on a punishment "
Think about what this means. You consult with the 'guilty party' to agree on the appropriate punishment. That is not discipline, that's negotiation. Children are not their parents' equal partners, they have to accept their parents' better wisdom and guidance. The road awareness example should suffice.
Smacking should be a last resort, but is it really so much worse than shouting, belittling with nasty names?

My Sil down to a tea we were deemed curl at cristmas for giving our lo time out by Sil I just chuckled to my self as her lo spat in her face for the third time that day

She can never get a baby-sitter has been through 12 nannies the child is only to as she believes the child will self regulate their own behaviour I thought my oh was joking when he told me about this but its only when i saw it at Christmas she eatswhat she wants and at what time she puts her self to be when she's ready my children go to bed at 7 hers finally fell asleep at 12:57 christmas day Shock in my book a parent who puts no boundaries is a bad as a parent who beats their child

Animation · 03/05/2011 17:57

Clytaemnestra - I think humiliation is a very unpleasant and helpless kind of feeling and very often it doesn't reach consciousness - it gets burried and we can remain defended against it. That's not the same as lying. Lying is a conscious thing.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 18:04

maypole - nightmare. I know what you mean. People like that do no favours to their children and society in general. Some of the most unpleasant children I now have parents who strongly believe in self-expression.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 18:05

know - not now