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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be shocked at how many mners seem to condone smacking

780 replies

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 13:47

I am not talking about people who have smacked in anger and post saying "oh no, I lost it and smacked my DC" - everyone makes mistakes and no-one is perfect! I am talking about those who use smacking as a considered, pre meditated form of punishment/discipline. I know this was discussed a lot on another thread a few days ago, and I was pretty much told "each to their own" - but I am genuinely surprised that it seems to be a popular method here?

OP posts:
piprabbit · 03/05/2011 14:08

I personally don't smack. I don't think it is an effective way to improve behaviour long term.

If other parents look at the facts and decide that they still wish use smacking, then that is their choice. It is not illegal (within certain limits) at the present time in the UK.

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 14:10

No-no was one of them, Foofffy :) not the slightly sarcastic and annoying "no?" which I agree was BU of me!

Seriously - I like having my views challenged. This is something I feel incredibly strongly about, however I am wondering if some mners can enlighten me and help me become less judgemental towards people who choose to smack. I don't see it as child abuse but I do see it as largely ineffective, hypocritical and a lazy way of disciplining. I don't think everyone is likeminded but considering smacking is borderline illegal I am just wondering how so many people can think it works in the long run and that it is ok.

I am going out now before anyone says "where's the OP gone?" but I will be back later. Please don't flame me, I am genuinely interested, honestly.

OP posts:
sims2fan · 03/05/2011 14:10

In the experience of being smacked during my childhood it teaches that your behaviour has gone too far and mum (or dad) has had enough. It puts an immediate end to the behaviour.

I can actually only remember being smacked once, though I know it did happen a bit more frequently but as I don't remember it it can't have affected my life too much. On the one occasion I can remember being smacked we were on a day out with another family and I was showing off, being cheeky and just being a bit of a pain. My mum smacked my behind and I stopped. No taking me away from the group, no time outs, no threats of privilege removal just one smack and the behaviour stopped. I don't particularly see what was wrong with that.

That said I don't think smacking is right as the answer for every behaviour, and I doubt I would smack my children (don't have any yet) very often at all, but in certain situations it can be very effective.

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 14:11

I agree ariesgirl but everyone makes mistakes I think.

OP posts:
NulliusInVerba · 03/05/2011 14:23

OP another point you are perhaps forgetting, is that children are like a box of chocoloates, in that you never know which one youre gonna get (blatent plagairism there Grin )

I see some bloody awful parents, and I dont mean a few bad mistakes, I mean obviously awful. Some of them actually have well behaved, pretty placid children.

I also know a few parents, who are good parents and try their very hardest to manage difficult children, who sometimes have other issues going on that makes them even more difficult.

Alot of behaviour is influenced by environment, but some DC's are just challenging. If you have an "easy" child and choose not to smack, good for you. Not the same for everyone though.

Animation · 03/05/2011 14:23

Sims - how humiliating to be smacked on a day out infront of another family!
And just for showing off.

There's NEVER any excuse to smack.

If it happens it's because the parent has failed.

And parents make mistakes - yes.

ragged · 03/05/2011 14:25

I think most people irl are neutral or "pro" smacking.

I think it's surprising how anti-smacking MN is by comparison.

FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 14:26

Smacking a child is assault, there is never any excuse for it, and certainly no reason why it should be used as a form of discipline.

Hullygully · 03/05/2011 14:27

I very much enjoy a good smack, gets all the anger out and makes one feel better. Rah rah for smacking.

Spare the rod.

animula · 03/05/2011 14:29

Do you think so, ragged? Genuine question, there, not some raised eyebrow, sarky, rhetorical thing.

I was just pondering this thread ("Why does OP want to hear pro-smacking argument?") and realised that I was pondering because I know no-one in my close circle who smacks. And thought that was quite a change from my childhood, where it was more "normal". Though even there I don't think it was that "normal".

I think my entire take on the issue is that it is, within limits, still legal, but that I know very few people who do use it as a form of discipline. Other than that, my head is empty.

FreudianSlipper · 03/05/2011 14:33

i agree there is never an excuse to smack, but i have felt like smacking out of frustration when ds undresses as soon as i turn my back but i won't because i feel its wrong too and that makes me feel very uneasy i have felt that way. i feel its no better even if you are not angry its still an aggressive
action that we teach our children not to do to others

what i do not like to be told he needs a smack, i do not go around telling parents not to smack their children so why do some feel the need to tell me to smack mine when he was having a tantrum

Skifit · 03/05/2011 14:37

Trouble is, smacking has been done for hundreds and hundreds of years, so is it not surprising that many of us still do it?
I very very rarely slap my Ds who is 10yr, and its not even a hard whack, he even laughs at me...
However, smacking isnt good and we shouldnt do it.
Withdrawel of treats, things they love doing/having is better.

ShowOfHands · 03/05/2011 14:41

Where have you been. I was worried. You don't do that to your mother imaginary cyber friends.

ledkr · 03/05/2011 14:43

3 teenage boys,1 single mum, ds2 rows with mum calls her a nasty word and clenches fists,Mum slaps ds2. Neither he or ds1 or 3 ever bother to do that again.All well adjusted young men who now brinbg up this story at most family parties Grin

tooworried · 03/05/2011 14:47

For goodness sake Smacking a child is assault and i agree there is never an excuse to smack. What a load of shit. If more childen had been given a smack there might not be the amount of delinquents we have going about now.

Sometimes a child needs to be disciplined. If you don't know the difference between assault and discipline there's not much hope for you as parents.

meditrina · 03/05/2011 14:47

I'm far more worried by people who say they think smacking is wrong, but then admit they have sometimes hit when, as OP put it, they "lost it".

You may or may not agree with smacking as part of a considered form of a regime of sanction (some don't agree with sanction at all), but at least that's not driven by blind heat of the moment emotion.

Hullygully · 03/05/2011 14:51

I was in Furrin Parts, hitting other people's children for a bit of a change. What larks!

Baileysismyfriend · 03/05/2011 14:54

YANBU I didnt think many people smacked anymore, maybe its just that people dont admit to it in rl?

sims2fan · 03/05/2011 15:25

Animation - do you not think it was humiliating for my mother to see me act up in front of her very good friends and their children? When she smacked me I knew my behaviour was inappropriate and I stopped it. I didn't even cry - I was just mortified that I must have been being a pain in front of this family who I loved. We were all able to carry on with the day out with me behaving well (which I did the majority of time, this bad behaviour was a rare occurrence) and no more mention of the smacking incident.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 15:32

Exactly so, sims2fan. I think it was a different time then, it's gone too far perhaps for it to work now as children have rights to do whatever they like without sanction... and what unbelievable horrors some of them are. Hmm

PossetFeatures · 03/05/2011 15:32

Oh dear, these sort of threads never turn out well Sad

FWIW, i'll post below what I posted last week in support of someone on here who was getting flamed for her DHs views on smacking:

"OP, fwiw I was smacked a handful of times as a child by both my Mum and my Dad, when i had done something dangerous i.e. ran out into the road, or was being extremely insolent. Either on the hand, or on the back of the legs. It hasn't scarred me, and I am a normal, happy, non-violent member of society. My Mum says she that by the time I was about 6 or 7, they no longer had to smack me, as a warning of a count to 3, or a certain look from my Mum, would 9 times out of 10 make me behave, as I know that I would then get smacked if I didn't. And this wasn't because I was trembling in my boots in fear of my parents, it was just that i'd learned to respect their authority, and that if they started 'the countdown' then I must be behaving pretty badly! I have a great relationship with them still, and think their method of parenting was consistent and fair. And yes, there were also plenty of cuddles, and I didn't find that this gave me 'mixed messages' or was 'confusing'- cuddles happened most of the time, and if i misbehaved I got a smack/tap- seemed fairly simple to understand in my eyes, taught me what was bad behaviour!

I read something along the OP in the news the other day, and someone commented that a mother cat would give her kittens a nip or a bat around the head if they are playing up, and why should humans be instinctively any different? I think they had a point. Humans ARE animals at the end of the day, abeilt highly complex ones. Of course there will be people who argue that they don't instinctively want to smack their child, and that's fine and fair enough. But I think the media, MN etc has made parents who do want to go down this 'old fashioned' route extremely guilty. And remember here, i'm talking about a small smack NOT beating 10 shades of shit into your kids.

My mum often says that when she was small (child of the 50s), if you were caught misbehaving when playing out by the local bobby, you'd get a clip around the ear and sent home. Then if you had the nerve to tell your parents what had happened and complain, then you'd get another clip around the ear for getting the first one from the bobby! In those days, parents seemed to work more with authority i.e. police, teachers. These days lots of parents can't believe that their little darlings would ever get into trouble, and are outraged when anything is said against little Johnny- just ask friends of mine who are both primary and secondary school teachers. I also have worked as bank staff at a nursery, and lots of the older children who IMO know better (4/5 year olds) were terrible at listening to us adults when we asked 'nicely', and because you were "not allowed to shout", often just didn't listen at all. I remember when I first started at the nursery, and a 4 year old was hanging off his chair with his head on the floor during lunch, and I said "X, that is really stupid behaviour, you're going to fall off your chair and hurt yourself, now please eat your lunch"- ALL the children looked at me and said "UMMMMMMMMMMM, you said the BAD word!" saying that behaviour (not the child mind) was 'stupid' was "not allowed" and I was told off by all of them (I was mortified!)- kids at THREE and FOUR knew their 'rights'. And i'm sorry, and I will probably get flamed for this, but i think that's crazy...

My DS is only 11 weeks, so I have no idea yet what kind of parent I will be, or what kind of personality he will develop, thus won't know what discipline works best for us for a while yet- but if that's not smacking then so be it, and if it involves the odd small smack for really bad behaviour, then I don't always think that it's the end of the world, or that DS will grow up to be the scurge of society. I'd also hazard a guess that there are more people on MN who smack, and it works for them, than dare to admit it for fear of being verbally attacked, have their DH called a tosser, or their relationship questioned like the OP has had done here".

So there you go, I think controlled smacking isn't the worst thing in the world, as others have said, I think it's far worse when a parent loses it and smacks their child out of pure rage.

Last week on my street I saw a small boy (maybe 4 or 5) hitting someone's car consistently with a stick, and see his Mum say about 5 times in a 'sing song' voice "Hugo, don't do that please" before darling Hugo actually bothered to stop it, by that time probably scratching the car to shit. I wanted to smack the Mum for not bothering to do something sooner! I'm sorry but I think that sort of behaviour would've possibly warranted a smack had he not listened after the first time and removal from the situation to get the message home that it was NOT acceptable behaviour.

Flame away people! Grin

ShowOfHands · 03/05/2011 15:33

Huzzah Hully. It's the only language they understand in furrin parts.

Animation · 03/05/2011 15:40

Sims - What was so terrible about your behaviour that day that warranted a smack - and in front of all those people? Seems like normal childhood exhuberance to me. How did that smack make YOU feel?

GetOrfJamesMiddltonCosHeIsMine · 03/05/2011 15:43

Fuck me it's DailyMailorama round here again today

GetOrfJamesMiddltonCosHeIsMine · 03/05/2011 15:44

Shirley - I laughed very loudly at our drunken posts on the RW highlights thread. It read like bridget Jones and her pals on a bender Grin