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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at how many mners seem to condone smacking

780 replies

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 13:47

I am not talking about people who have smacked in anger and post saying "oh no, I lost it and smacked my DC" - everyone makes mistakes and no-one is perfect! I am talking about those who use smacking as a considered, pre meditated form of punishment/discipline. I know this was discussed a lot on another thread a few days ago, and I was pretty much told "each to their own" - but I am genuinely surprised that it seems to be a popular method here?

OP posts:
icooksocks · 03/05/2011 15:48

I'm sure my dc's feel humiliated for weeks after I smack them Hmm. They rarely get a smack (on hand) unless the have been persistently naughty. They are well adjusted well behaved children and they arent scared of me. So meh I dont care what you think of me

GetOrfJamesMiddltonCosHeIsMine · 03/05/2011 15:50

I don't smack. You wouldn't put up with your DP clouting you one if you misebehaved. Why hit a small child who cannot defend themselves? Hitting kids is indefensible imo.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 15:52

I've been on here a few years. I'd say it's less-tolerated on here than in RL

Disclaimer : have not done statistical analysis

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 15:53

To be more specific :

It's probably more tolerated on AIBU than on other Topics

Guildenstern · 03/05/2011 15:54

I've heard a lot of people say that they were smacked as a child and it never did them any harm.

I've also heard a lot of people say that they were smacked as a child and this has had long-term negative effects for them.

I've heard a lot of parents say that the way they smack their children is ok.

I've never heard a parent admit that the way they smack their children is potentially harmful.

Logically, therefore, there are parents out there smacking their children who think that this is fine, but whose children will experience long-term negative effects as a result.

I know some parents who would fall into that last category. That is not the sort of parent I want to be.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 15:54

Hully !!

Chil1234 · 03/05/2011 15:54

I don't think I've met anyone that uses smacking as the OP describes as a 'premeditated form of punishment/discipline'. That sounds like something from a Dickensian novel, to be honest - children waiting outside 'papa's' study for six of the best. I think far more common (although MN is really not the place to say so) is the short, sharp slap on the legs or back of the hand done in extremis for seriously bad behavious and I've administered a few of those myself, I don't mind admitting. My DS has no recollection of ever being on the receiving end, so I don't think it's much of a problem.

Northernlurker · 03/05/2011 15:57

Hitting and smacking are different things. Any parent who has smacked will know that. Any smug holier than thou parent who has 'views' on smacking won't know that.
OP - you read a thread a few days ago - why come back and ask again? Seriously which part of 'each to their own' do you have trouble with?

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 15:58

Guildernstern - good post. Logical.

icooksocks · 03/05/2011 16:01

Oh and just to throw a little extra into the mix-I was't just smacked but beaten as a child (my dear step-mother was of the wicked variety) Punched, wooden spoon, slipper-you name it. And god gosh I am a well adjusted normal adult.
I don't for one minute condone my step-mothers behaviour and I realise that it was actually physical abuse. I'd like to see actual evidence of how being smacked has had a long term effect on someone.

MmeLindt · 03/05/2011 16:06

Ok, we did this a couple of weeks ago, but I will repeat my objections to smacking.

  1. A smack is often a last resort, when parenting methods have failed. Teaches the child that if you run out of arguments, giving someone a whack is acceptable.
  1. Would you smack your partner/friend/mother if they did something that you didn't like? No. So why is it acceptable to smack a child?
  1. If you go out for a drink and have an argument with someone and they wallop you, you would call the police and have them charged with assault.

Smacking is, for me, lazy parenting. Sitting down and discussing rationally what the problem is, why the parent is angry, what the child has done wrong and agreeing on a punishment takes more time and energy.

The "oh, it never did me any harm" defense always strikes me as being similar to the "we never used to wear seatbelts, never did me any harm". Using a strap or a ruler to hit a child used to be commonplace in schools. I was given the strap once. It didn't do me any harm. Doesn't mean to say that it is good educational practice.

For one parent, a smack on the bum is acceptable if the child is in danger. The next a smack on the bum is acceptable if the child does something they find "naughty". Or doesn't do their homework. Or damages a household item. Or is cheeky.

How do we decide what is acceptable - when the parent hits several times? When the parent smacks for small matters. When the parent smacks around the head, rather than on the bum? When the parent humiliates the child by smacking them in front of others? When the parent uses a ruler to hit the child?

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 16:10

If you smack in anger/temper then you have lost control and are taking out your frustration on someone who can't retaliate. If you smack when calm you are really in trouble because there are alternatives and you have chosen violence. Hitting small children is bullying and so if your child hits another child because they don't like their behaviour you can't really say much. My ds is 17 and can be a pita at times but he has never ever been hit as I don't think any human being has a right to strike another no matter what your excuse. He also has been a monkey at times but he has never done anything which was so extreme that i would have hit him. What sort of things warrant smacking? And no the old fingers in the socket won't cut it Grin

gawdblimey · 03/05/2011 16:11

if you see a mother tiger nip her cub to tell him to stop, she doesnt let it go on for days/weeks and have to contemplate her navel and have heart to hearts - one nip, he knows to stop, thats it

Its perfectly reasonable to chastise a child who has done something wrong. Id much rather do that, get it over with than have endless groundings/naughty steps/holding back treats and what have you - when at the end of it the kid has forgotten what he did wrong in the first place

sims2fan · 03/05/2011 16:12

Animation - I can't remember exactly what I was doing as it was 20 years ago. I think I thought I was being clever but was actually acting obnoxiously.

I told you how I felt when I was smacked - I was mortified that my mother had had to smack me and immediately realised that my behaviour was not clever at all and I needed to stop it. After that I went on to have a nice day and can remember being thrilled to be able to buy a book about a Victorian school (I was very in love with Victorian schools when I was 9!).

Like another poster said I very rarely had to be smacked because in the majority of cases my mum just had to look at me to get me to change my behaviour, and most of the time my behaviour was very good anyway. I think I was quite shocked on that occasion because I probably hadn't been smacked in years. And though the other family were there I think she did it discreetly out of their view. I know my dad didn't see anyway because a few minutes later he asked if I'd been sitting on something as I had a red mark across my legs (it was summer and I was wearing shorts).

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 16:12

PMSL at smug and holier than thou because you don't wallop your children. Can't believe we live in a society where non violence is ridiculed rather than respected

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 16:14

noddy - good post. I have smacked in anger and it was totally down to a loss of control on my part, which is not pretty.

MmeLindt · 03/05/2011 16:15

I am far from smug and holier than thou.

I struggle with my children, and I have smacked them on occasion but have always felt remorseful afterwards.

One time my DS sobbed, "Mama. We don't hit" - I had taught him this but was not abiding by our house rules.

No wonder they get confused.

GetOrfMoiCase · 03/05/2011 16:19

mmelindt for saying what I wanted to say but in a far more articulate manner

I was battered and beaten as a kid, yes it bloody well harmed me and still affects me now i am not too ashamed to admit. Hence why I did not want to smack. I couldn't bear to become that kind of violent, frightening, cruel person.

I am not smug and holier than thou. I am a shouter, and a moody cow, and a distracted mother. I wouldn't win any motherhood prizes.

bagpusss · 03/05/2011 16:20

"agreeing on a punishment "
Think about what this means. You consult with the 'guilty party' to agree on the appropriate punishment. That is not discipline, that's negotiation. Children are not their parents' equal partners, they have to accept their parents' better wisdom and guidance. The road awareness example should suffice.
Smacking should be a last resort, but is it really so much worse than shouting, belittling with nasty names?

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 16:21

I was smacked as a child as were my siblings and we all unanimously agree we absolutely hated it and it affected us negatively especially I think as we realised not all parents did this and yet most of our friends were similarly behaved to us. My mum really regrets it now and says it was ignorance and nothing more and she accepts it is wrong. Just don't go there you will kill a little bit of anyone every time you demean them in this way it is like any domestic violence so sad to hit someone you are supposed to love and guide. There are other ways

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 16:25

bagpuss - I agree in a way. It could be deemed to be less bad that some forms of verbal chastisement - frequent belittling and shouting could add up to emotional abuse. But two wrongs don't make a right, so there's no sense in defending smacking

MmeLindt · 03/05/2011 16:25

Bagpuss
Perhaps not with 3yos, but with my 6yo and 9yo - yes. We agree on a punishment.

Example: DS recently damaged a table at school. School suggested that as a gesture of goodwill, DS should "pay" for the damages. We looked up the price of the table on internet, DS decided how much he wanted to donate and wrote a letter of apology to the teacher.

Would smacking him have been better?

or did the punishment not show him that he is responsible for his actions and that if he did this again, he would be similarly punished.

He gave CHF 9 - about a month's pocket money.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 16:25

These threads really are pointless. Some parents agree that smacking is an acceptable method of discipline. Some dont.

The ones who dont agree with it will always try to take the moral high ground and talk down to those who do.

LaurieFairyCake · 03/05/2011 16:26

There is no distinction in law between 'hitting' and 'smacking' - those that think there is prefer the word 'smack' as it's nicer, demeans the activity and lets them off the hook.

As a foster carer I am not allowed to hit a child and the contract I have with the local authority is very clear on this.

'delinquents' are not caused by being unable to hit children ('discipline' is not hitting) - I have plenty of success with wayward teens who don't grow up to abuse others.

I do of course however have lots of sympathy for parents pushed to the edge (I have been there myself many times - and it's only through extensive training have I found other ways). I absolutely do not condemn those who have smacked - however, that does not mean it is the right approach.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 16:27

squeaky - I really don't agree that I'm talking down to people. Dear Wink