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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be shocked at how many mners seem to condone smacking

780 replies

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 13:47

I am not talking about people who have smacked in anger and post saying "oh no, I lost it and smacked my DC" - everyone makes mistakes and no-one is perfect! I am talking about those who use smacking as a considered, pre meditated form of punishment/discipline. I know this was discussed a lot on another thread a few days ago, and I was pretty much told "each to their own" - but I am genuinely surprised that it seems to be a popular method here?

OP posts:
Al0uiseG · 03/05/2011 18:06

If you hit an adult it's assault, little children should not be assaulted. How difficult is that.

Oh, and absolutely loving the excuses for poor parenting smacking.

K999 · 03/05/2011 18:06

I have never smacked DDs. I never would. It's assault and if you did this to someone in the street for example, you'd be arrested. Assaulting anyone is wrong and assaulting a child, who is let's face it, unable to protect themselves is very wrong.

ChunkyPickle · 03/05/2011 18:36

I'm totally the opposite of you OP - I think that smacking a child (or squeezing, pushing, pulling) in anger is completely unacceptable - that that really is bullying aggression because you're bigger.

A calculated, measured smack to re-enforce that you really, really mustn't touch that I would consider appropriate if a child is too young to understand an explanation.

Once a child is old enough to understand then I don't think it works as a threat/punishment anyway.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 18:42

K999, a parent is only responsible for their own children though, not a stranger in the street.

If a stranger in the street was drawing on a wall, would you go up to them and tell them to sit on a naughty step? or send them to their room?

If your adult sister went for a walk on their own and did not tell you where she had gone or who with, would you ground her?

Other people and adults are not your responsibility and you are not the person expected to teach them to behave well.

An open handed smack on the back of the legs or bottom stings, but it is not abuse, and if only dished out after fair warning then the child has a choice, behave or get a smack. Most kids prefer not to get a smack.

K999 · 03/05/2011 18:46

You mean behave or I'll assault you? Smacking whether back of legs, bottom, wherever is assault. You can dress it up how you like but IMO it's wrong.

libelulle · 03/05/2011 18:49

I am fundamentally against smacking, and so far have never smacked either of my children (though DD is only 3 and DS 10 months, so still plenty of time to eat my words!).

But I do have my moments of doubt. The other day, DD pulled a chopping board down off the worktop, bringing down a sharp knife inches from her foot. It wasn't really naughtiness - she had no concept of the danger - but I was obviously pretty scared, and also furious with myself for allowing it to happen. I also wanted to get the message across that she should never, ever do it again. I did that by the closest to shouting that I get with her (am pathologically calm!) - enough certainly to terrify her. So was that, in practice, any better than smacking her in terms of getting the message across? I'm not sure that it was.

After the event, we spoke about it and I got her to understand that she did a very stupid thing - but at the time, I don't think my angry recriminations were any more helpful or less abusive of my power as an adult, if you want to think of it that way, than a smack.

glitterballmama · 03/05/2011 18:52

It is assault, and bad parenting.

I don't know anyone who smacks. It's just not socially acceptable any more.

Isn't it funny how childcare professionals, in nurseries for example, manage to get the kids to behave without resorting to physical violence - which is exactly what smacking is. That's because there is never a reason to hit a child.

There is a body of evidence to show that hitting a child is harmful and abusive. Look at the NSPCC's campaign against smacking, for example.

You wouldn't hit an adult with a mental age of three. So why is it ok to hit a three year old child just because they have half your DNA? Because it isn't.

And I'm so tired of that boring old chestnut, you have to smack to teach them not to run across the road, or not put their fingers in an electric socket. I've managed to teach four children not to do any of those dangerous things, without once resorting to physical violence. It's not hard.

Or those who say, it's just a tap. Well, that's fine, then. If it doesn't hurt, I don't have a problem with it.

Ask any child psychologist. There is never, ever a reason to smack.

And to those who say, I smacked, and it never did me any harm. It clearly did, as you obviously think it is acceptable to assault a child. So it did do some harm.

I was smacked regularly as a child. I fell into a physically abusive relationship later in life and I honestly believe I accepted that abuse more readily - the first time he hit me my first thought was, This feels really familiar.

There is no excuse, ever. It is bad, lazy parenting and should be banned.

sickoftheholidays · 03/05/2011 18:53

I am not a poor parent, I'm a damn good one - a damn sight better than some of the non smackers I have met, and my kids are a damn sight better behaved. I dont need to smack regularly, in fact, I do it very very rarely, I use many methods to modify my kids behaviour including explaining possible consequences, impact on others etc etc. but sometimes its just unavoidable. Example last week, in the supermarket (bad idea taking 2 kids to do the shopping I know) kids were very excitable, swinging off the trolley, running in circles. After repeated requests to calm down and walk, DS launched himself at the trolley and almost hit a very elderly lady with it. Cue me dragging him off to one side and giving a sharp slap on the bottom. I then explained the reason why I had smacked him, ie, he had not listened to repeated requests, and had almost seriously injured someone into the bargain. He was very upset, not about being smacked, but about having almost hurt someone. he is 6, he was just having a good time and being a kid, but as a parent, it was my job as the responsible adult to ensure that his being a kid didnt hurt or upset anyone else.
I honestly just dont get this argument about "you wouldnt hit another adult" I'm sorry but it just doesnt work for me. The whole point of bringing up children is that we are the adults with the experience and the cognitive ability to consider the consequences of their actions. They are children who are carefree, and look no further than their own needs and wants. They need guidance and boundaries, and sometimes you need to reinforce that boundary, if a child doesnt have consequences when a boundary is crossed, they dont respect it.

springbokdoc · 03/05/2011 18:53

We used to get hidings as a kids. Mostly from my dad but me and my sister only got one each from my mom (me for teling my sister to fuck off when I was four and my sister for biting a kid's bum when she wouldn't go down the slide when she was 6). We both have very close relationships with them. We got fair warnings, knew what would result in a hiding and it was never given in anger/loss of control kind of way. When we got older and could be grounded meaningfully/have other punishments then it stopped. I can see myself giving my little one a smack on the legs/bum if he does something dangerous (not general naughty things).

cricketballs · 03/05/2011 18:54

"At 2 she was too young to fully comprehend that a road = danger. However a slap round the legs taught her that running for the road = a shock and mild pain. I'd rather that than she had foud out the pain of being hit by a car." are my feelings also.

When my DC were too young to understand the 'lets sit down and discuss your behaviour and other crap that we are 'supposed to do' then when needed to ensure their safety then a quick, slap on their legs was more than enough to ensure that the only harm they had was the shock. As others have said; now they are old enough then the stare works wonders.....

I do often wonder if it is a coincidence that so many of today's young people are so rude/disrespectful = they lets talk about your behaviour/feelings.....

ChunkyPickle · 03/05/2011 18:55

K999 - Parents assault their kids all the time - we give them their innoculations, force them to get dressed, carry them (protesting) to bed - all of which, if we did to an adult without their permission, would be assault (or kidnapping).

As parents we are responsible for taking care of the child, making decisions for them - even when they are against the wishes of the child themselves - because that is what is best for them.

as libelulle just mused, when does telling a child off verbally become worse than a short, sharp smack?

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 18:57

If it worked as a deterrent you would only do it once.

Al0uiseG · 03/05/2011 18:58

Sickoftheholidays you're such a great parent that your children are badly behaved and you are sick of the holidays! Perhaps if you didn't smack they might be easier to control. My unsmacked children have never behaved like that in a supermarket.

springbokdoc · 03/05/2011 18:59

Agh type too slow. I agree with sickoftheholidays and it irritates the living daylights out of me when people just blithely say its bad parenting as if they have mastered the art of parenting and can be the arbitrator.

Gliiterball I am sorry for what happened to you but can you see that your view about smacking is coloured by your own personal experience? That's not everyones view. I was smacked as a kid, if I was hit as an adult I certainly wouldn't view it as familiar.

Mamaz0n · 03/05/2011 19:00

if we had had this thread a couple of years ago there would the odd one or two posts saying "my parents did it and i am ok" or "if it stops them running in the road then thats ok"

But in the main the responses would be sensible against smacking.

I think it just goes to show the massive shift in Mumsnets core user now.

springbokdoc · 03/05/2011 19:00

Al0uiseG That's well out of order.

glitterballmama · 03/05/2011 19:00

I'm sorry sickoftheholidays, but smacking is never unavoidable.All you have taught your child is that it's ok to hit someone smaller than yourself. Yes, he will have got the message, as smacking undeniably does work in the short term, and the bad behaviour will cease, but for all the wrong reasons.

It's so sad that people are unable to communicate with their children in any other way but violence to get their point across. Babies are born knowing how to communicate. Children always understand a verbal message if put correctly.

It's sad too that people think they have to administer a slap to teach road safety. It just isn't necessary. You get down to the child's level, and say NO! and point at the cars every time you are near a busy road. They will soon learn. Rather than hitting the message into them.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 19:01

sickoftheholidays - you sound like a good parent. It just strikes me that, given the fact your son was no upset by the smack, then why did you need to use it. Strikes me you could have achieved the outcome with stern words and without the smack. Or was the smack to get rid of your frustration? Or to show the rest of the world you aren't a pushover? Genuine question

noddyholder · 03/05/2011 19:01

Agree mamazon totally! How did this happen?

glitterballmama · 03/05/2011 19:02

Springbok, my views have been shaped by many things but at the heart of it is the fact that I know hitting another human being is never right, regardless of their relationship to you or their age or size.

glitterballmama · 03/05/2011 19:03

Mamazon, do you mean that the average mumsnet user is now less educated and intelligent? Because in general I find that it's less intelligent educated people who are pro smacking.

cricketballs · 03/05/2011 19:03

glitterballmama - oh to life in this dream world with perfect kids who listen to their parents all the time.......

Al0uiseG · 03/05/2011 19:06

Ahem SpringBokDoc I'm not out of order, I'm not advocating child cruelty.

I'm utterly disgusted at the amount of smackers on Mumsnet these days, definitely a seismic shift in attitude.

osamabinladensmrs · 03/05/2011 19:06

Sorry, but I cannot think of any reason to justify violently assauting a child.

glitterballmama · 03/05/2011 19:06

My sister works with abused women and she says it is very common that they were smacked as children.

It's sadly very logical.

My daddy loved me very much, and he smacked me...

My husband says he loves me very much, though he hits me...

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