Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at how many mners seem to condone smacking

780 replies

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 13:47

I am not talking about people who have smacked in anger and post saying "oh no, I lost it and smacked my DC" - everyone makes mistakes and no-one is perfect! I am talking about those who use smacking as a considered, pre meditated form of punishment/discipline. I know this was discussed a lot on another thread a few days ago, and I was pretty much told "each to their own" - but I am genuinely surprised that it seems to be a popular method here?

OP posts:
Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 12:18

To not discipline is wrong.

but there are other forms of discipline which do not require the physical assault of a child

noddyholder · 04/05/2011 12:20

Tapping is a dance Talk about trying to make it sound harmless.

echt · 04/05/2011 12:22

What noddyholdersaid.

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 12:25

Precisely.

The pro smackers seem offended when we use the correct term - to assault.
Yet they try and minimalise their actions by using nice fluffy words that make them feel less guilty about what they have inflicted upon a toddler.

A light tap will not stop a child doing whatever it is you want them to stop doing. so no you do not lightly tap. You smack. Hard enough to hurt them or else what would be the point.

How you can justify that to yourself is anyones guess

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 12:26

Razors, I tried your 1st and 2nd suggestions and your third to a point. But how long is it ok to wait until she decides to cooperate? The hard shoulder is not the best place to be waiting, we had snacks and drinks in the car but they would have run out after a while. While we wait my DD's behaviour gets worse not better. We could have been there for hours!!

MamazOn, I'm not happy to have smacked DD but I am happy to have got us all home alive.

None of the alternative suggestions worked. As I explained earlier I'd tried everything already. But if anyone thinks of anything else I could have done then keep the suggestions coming. There MUST be something that I could have done instead of smacking that didn't involve us all starving to death on the hard shoulder.

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 12:28

I just asked DD1 age 14 what would have happened if we'd waited till DD3 was ready to cooperate and keep her seat belt on. She just smirked and said that we would have been there for days!

Original poster
Cat98 · 04/05/2011 12:30

alldirections - personally I would have tried anything - removal of privileges etc - that I usually don't like using. Not hitting though.

OP posts:
echt · 04/05/2011 12:34

The point in all this is that non-smackers do not need to justify their behaviour; it's all down to the smackers to say why it's all OK for them.

None of this is about what the NS would do instead. That's a side track.

Whether smacking "works" or not for the pro-S is irrelevant. It's wrong to hit people in your charge, and the fact that they can't speak/ be reasoned with or are smaller than you is no excuse.

The first of these examples would apply to some SN people.

Not so clever now, eh?

noddyholder · 04/05/2011 12:39

I am always amazed at all the possible scaldings electrocutions and car accidents etc the smackers seem to encounter. What about just everyday stuff? All children can potentially have accidents and adults for that matter but smacking is not teh answer!

maypole1 · 04/05/2011 12:39

Yes that sounds like my Sil lets wait till the little dear is ready

Don't condone smacking but don't condone this wushu washy lets wait until the child is ready to do what their told either

A parents who sets no boundaries is as bad as one who set to many

Are people for real that all directions should of waited till a 3 year old was ready to do as they were asked god know wonder teachers have so much issues with some children

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 12:44

Alldirections. I would have pulled into the slow lane, drove slower and then pulled off the motorway.

I would have then gotten out of the car with DD and spoken to her.
I would have told her we would not be going home until she learned to behave in the car. That her behaviour was dangerous and that unless i could trust her to behave she could not get in the car and go home.

I don't shout but have a stern voice (my brother calls it the drone of death)

If a tantrum began i would ignore.

At 4 years old i think she is perfectly old enough to realise that her behaviour is unacceptable and to get what you are saying about the dangers of not wearing a belt.

In one extreme occasion i was driving at bout 6 mph, DD had gotten out of her seat yet again and so i pushed hard on the brake.
SHe fell off of the chair.

It was not fast enough to have hhurt her or caused an accident (side road with no other cars) but it did shock her enough to get back into her seat.
I pulled over and explained that hat is what happens if i have to stop the car suddenly, or if another car hit us. I said that i was only driving slowly and that if we had been going any faster she could have been seriously hurt.

Again, that was one occasion that i do not consider my proudest parenting moment.

I have also shown my children footage of crash test dummies so that they can see just what would happen to them if they don't wear their seat belts.
DD is only 6 so not that much older than your DD.
Education rather than fear.

maypole1 · 04/05/2011 12:47

noddy holder who said they use smacking as a everyday thing I do think now you are just making stuff up or you don't really have children children especially toddlers do dangerous things all the time.

Just last week my lo held up some kite thing in the back of the car and my oh nearly crashed because he could not see out the back I am not a smacker but I would not condem someone else for doing so

maypole1 · 04/05/2011 12:52

Mamzon that may work for your child you you have to accept each child is different for some children your stern voice would be laughed at , just as for some children smacking dosent work

Personally I don't think showing a 6 year old footage of a crash and saying this could be you is appropriate

And also need to take on bored punishing a child after the event is ineffective

She did the right thing talking to the child at the said event

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 12:53

Thanks Maypole, it's ridiculous to say that I should let DD3 rule what we do. I'm not prepared for my other DDs to suffer from her behaviour either. What would happen next time? DD3 would have the upperhand and I can imagine her sat there really smug thinking that she just needs to refuse to have her seat belt on and we'll all hang around waiting!!!

cannydoit · 04/05/2011 12:56

again with terms like guilt, i dont feel at all guilty about having smacked my children. it was a concious decision.
actually i take that back i did smack dd once on my wedding day when she refused to get dressed and lost my temper felt really bad about that and still do and that is because it was done in anger, but that is the only instance i can think of out of using this form of discipline and that is because i could not say that i was happy with my reason for doing it.

maypole1 · 04/05/2011 12:58

I know its crazy you see mums like that all the time pleading with their children my Sil is one very sad

Then when these children get to school they have short sharp shocks as no one their will plead and beg them to do as their told

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 13:00

All the alternative suggestions would have worked with DD2 at the same age. Like Maypole said every child is different and there are times (like this incident) when nothing else works with DD3. In a different situation I wouldn't have smacked and believe me when I say DD3 really does push the boundaries but usually her behaviour can be ignored (distracting, explaining doesn't usually work). This time she was doing something that was really dangerous and I was unable to stop her unless I didn't drive home.

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 13:02

Maypole I am struggling to undertsand your posts. sorry.

I don't show them crash scenes. I have let them watch crash test dummies showing them just what happens if you don't use your seatbelt.

Shock tactics yes, but I found myself having a discussion with her about her flying through the windscreen or what have you, she seemed to think i was talking rubbish so I showed her.

It was not part of a punishment but as further to a conversation i had had with her.

noddyholder · 04/05/2011 13:04

My ds is 17 of course I have children but he has never been hit by me or anyone else. What do you think I am making up?

noddyholder · 04/05/2011 13:05

I have never pleaded with ds either have raised my voice a few times since he was about 14 but never been abusive to him. No need. There is nothing that he could ever have done that would lead me to hit him

cannydoit · 04/05/2011 13:06

no maypole, they will disrupt the whole class with their bad behaviour and become labelled as a problem child which will take away from the teachers ability to teach every one elses children. but such is life in todays class room were we are frowned at for even raising our voice to our children and teachers are not respected for the jobs they do and its all pretty much down to lack of discipline of any kind.

onagar · 04/05/2011 13:17

The point in all this is that non-smackers do not need to justify their behaviour; it's all down to the smackers to say why it's all OK for them.

Not at all. No one has to justify themselves to you.

If it were necessary we could put on trial the parents of the thugs who do anything they like because they were never taught differently. The children of parents that didn't think it was up to them to tell the DCs what to do. Presumably they thought it would all happen by magic.

The reality is that if you are lucky with the child and have enough time to devote to the alternative methods then it is sometimes possible to bring up a child properly without smacking. Some people do succeed. Many don't.

On the other side you have people who do smacking instead of parenting and they are no better.

In between there are the vast majority of parents doing with works for them regardless of the current fashion.

razors · 04/05/2011 13:17

Alldirections Yes my love I have many more suggestions for you but in a hurry at the moment! If I come on tonight I'll write up some more for you : )

Happy debating everyone

Pagwatch · 04/05/2011 13:19

I find the idea that one may have to smack interesting.

If your ability to control and discipline your child depends upon your being able to hit them, then you only have a short time in charge. My ds1 is 17 and Dix feet tall and a rugby player. He has been bigger than me since he was 14.

I smacked him a few times when he was small, hated it, and have nit dine it with any of the children since.
I don't hit him. I don't shout at him. I certainly don't plead with him. Yet he does exactly as I say has a sack full of gcses and as levels and is doing his a level now.
He does his work without nagging and brought me coffee in bed this morning.

Now either I have brought him up in an atmosphere of mutual kindness and respect, with consistent non violent consequences for misbehaviour and praise for good manners and good work. Or I am just fucking miraculous.

One of those two things.

My ds2 has sn. I would not and have not hit him. I wonder how smackey types would have dealt with him. Poor boy.

sleepingsowell · 04/05/2011 13:29

Pagwatch has said it all. brilliant post.

Swipe left for the next trending thread