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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at how many mners seem to condone smacking

780 replies

Cat98 · 03/05/2011 13:47

I am not talking about people who have smacked in anger and post saying "oh no, I lost it and smacked my DC" - everyone makes mistakes and no-one is perfect! I am talking about those who use smacking as a considered, pre meditated form of punishment/discipline. I know this was discussed a lot on another thread a few days ago, and I was pretty much told "each to their own" - but I am genuinely surprised that it seems to be a popular method here?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cat98 · 04/05/2011 09:32

Alldirections - a few people have been saying that they choose to smack - ok it might be a last resort but they still believe it is the right thing to do. I think that is what mamazon means.

OP posts:
AllDirections · 04/05/2011 09:38

Wanksock, I think that's what the pro smackers are saying. I don't think I read anyone saying that they use it as a way of disciplining children or maybe that's my interpretation.

I still haven't heard any real alternative suggestions for how to deal with behaviour that is harmful to the child or other people at that moment in time, such as the situation I described when my DD kept taking her seat belt off on the motorway. I know not that I can buy something to stop it happening again but that didn't help me on Monday and it won't help me when it's a different situation (but equally dangerous) as no amount of talking, explaining or distracting will work at times.

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 09:40

Alldirections - I would say that there are probably those who have young toddlers who are still trying to organise their thoughts on how to parent. I would hope that this thread has been inforamtive enough in amongst the bitching, to help them see that smacking is never something one should consider a positive parental approach.

That whilst some may use it as a last resort, it should not be something aspired to.

The pro smackers all seem to claim that it is a last resort, that they use it only when all other methods fail. I would argue that it is not the theory, but th execution that has failed.

and feeling frustrated by that failure they resotr to violence.

As i said in my very first post, there is no such thing as a considered, well informed smack.

Mumofaflump · 04/05/2011 09:42

Reading back through, I don't believe that anyone has said that they enjoy hitting, or that they condone it as a way of easily disciplining their kids. People have admitted that they have smacked in the past, and posted their justifications at that time for having done so. However, they were then told they had "assualted" and "abused" their children. That they must be "IQ lacking" and "Jeremy Kyle watching". I even saw one post asking someone if they had "punched their child in the stomach". It is against these allegations that people have been arguing.

Abusing and assualting children (anyone) is wrong. To accuse someone of abuse and assualt is wrong (unless you have clear and concrete proof and are willing to stand up in a court of law).

I personally do not have experience yet as DS is only 18 weeks old. However, when he is old enough for me to have to make that choice I will do what I feel is best secure in the knowledge that I love my son.

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 09:43

Cat98, I didn't want to smack my daughter on Monday (one smack on the leg) but her behaviour was putting everyone at risk and I had tried everything else except not travelling home.

I maintain that it was the only way to stop the behaviour at that time. I wasn't trying to teach her the right way to behave, I wanted that behaviour to stop there and then. Give me an effective alternative and I'll try it. Until then I reserve the right to smack as a last resort.

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 09:44

Alldirections - did you smack her?

Mumofaflump · 04/05/2011 09:46

Alldirections Presumably you then spoke to her about the incident once you were safely indoors and she now knows and understands why you gave the smack and understands that the situation was serious enough to warrant it?

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 09:46

Then you don't need an alternative. The smack has clearly cured her.

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 09:47

Yes I did. I didn't want to as I actually don't agree that smacking is the right thing to do. But for her safety and the safety of my other DDs I smacked her once on the leg (with an open hand and no mark was left before someone calls SS) and she stopped. On Friday when she did the same thing I didn't smack her and we had 45 minutes of hell and I nearly crashed the car.

cannydoit · 04/05/2011 09:47

i never claimed it was a last resort mama it was part of my parenting style. depending on the situation, saying it was a last resort is basically implying that it was out of ones control.
argh why am i letting my self be dragged back in to this, as obviously your next comment will be something along the lines of to smack a child is out of control or some rubbish. any way after fair warning smack was administered to hand or legs not last resort just part of discipline routine.

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 09:48

She already knows why she shouldn't have done it but yes I did speak to her. No she's not cured MamazOn but we all got home alive!!

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 09:49

mumofalump - if you smack (ie slap, hit, tap, or whatever word you wish to use to make yourself feel better) you have assaulted your child.
it is not an accusation. It is fact.

if Any other adult hit your child you would run screaming like a banshee to the police about the violent assault inflicted on your child. and yet because you are a mother/father, who is supposed to love and cherish that child like no other, you feel it is ok to do the same?

It amazes me that anyone with an IQ higher than their amount of feet can rationalise that with themselves, so yes I do make generalisations about the sort of person they are.

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 09:49

Alldirections - so then smacking doesn't work

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 09:50

I'm off to work now but I'll be back later to read the alternative suggestions for dealing with the situation.

AllDirections · 04/05/2011 09:51

MamazOn, It worked! My intention was to get her to keep her seat belt on for that journey.

cannydoit · 04/05/2011 09:52

and we are back to assault again there is a definite lack of variety in the opposition argument.

razors · 04/05/2011 09:59

Alldirections Alternative suggestions for you.

1 - check seatbelt is positioned correctly so not rubbing her neck or too tight.
2 - I would say something like mummy loves you so much I don't want anything bad to happen to you. Explain about accidents and seatbelt is stop her getting hurt.
3 - refuse to drive until seatbelt is on. For as long at it takes.

Good luck!

razors · 04/05/2011 10:00

cannydoit If you smacked an adult in the eyes of the law that is an assault. Unfortunately children are not allowed the same protection in this country as they are in others.

Mamaz0n · 04/05/2011 10:04

So contrary to the assumptions made by Alldirections and Mummyofalump canny has just confirmed that yes she does use smacking as an actuive part of her parenting technique. That she does chose to assault her child rather than use the alternative techniques available.

razors · 04/05/2011 10:07

I remember being smacked as a child. Mainly for something I never did as if no one owned up we all got smacked! I remember being terrified of my mum at times. I remember sitting in my room sobbing on my own. Not good memories. My mum has huge regrets now looking back - she realises the smacking was her lack of 'technique' and education. I was a good child and so were my brothers - we didn't deserve that but it was all she knew and now knows it was not a good way to teach us right from wrong. I have never hit my children. I manage to keep them away from fires/traffic/plugs etc by other means. Smacking is never justified in my opinion and should be illegal in line with most of Europe.

Mumofaflump · 04/05/2011 10:11

Crikey, this has gone round the same loop so many times that I'm dizzy!

Nobody is going to win this, BUT there have been some reasoned arguments on both sides.

When DS is old enough the information I have read here will all contribute to how I decide to parent. So, Mamaz0n, you are correct in saying that people still adjuting to being parents have found this useful.

Right, I'm off to watch Jeremy Kyle and eat sugary cearal while DS is napping!

cannydoit · 04/05/2011 10:13

what is your point razor, a lot of people keep saying this if you smacked an adult... the law is there to obviously protect people from the random mners who keep wanting to smack them to prove there point. the law however has decided how i discipline my child is a judgement call so walking up to a random stranger and slapping them does not really work a, scenario as it has nothing to do with discipline and everything to do with random aggression.

slapping a child with in the confines of a disciplined situation is not the same thing as slapping a stranger and i find it rather odd that others keep using it as a comparison.
do you explain to the stranger the reason you slapped them afterwards? do you talk it through with them? do you then go about your daily lives together, making dinner, watching telly together, putting them to bed reading them a story.
no so not really a helpful comparison to the debate.
and as we all know most (i said most) mners wouldnt hit random strangers so its kind of a moot point only meant to provoke an angry response.

cannydoit · 04/05/2011 10:16

yes yes mama by assault my children, you crazy person.

cannydoit · 04/05/2011 10:17

i even

razors · 04/05/2011 10:18

cannydoit I thought my point was quite clear but I'll say it again for you.....Adults are protected against being assaulted - (I didn't say anything about smacking a random stranger) Children are not - Is that fair? I don't think so. If my mum wasn't concentrating and walked in to a road I wouldn't smack her!!! so why would I hit my child?