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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful about not being given any chances to have a career?

139 replies

Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:17

Does anyone else feel that they've never stood a chance in life of doing anything that a) they enjoy or b) that pays well? I did well at school, and got very good grades at GCSE. I'd always wanted to be a doctor but at 16 my parents (who were very controlling) decided that I should leave school and do a shitty secretarial course at the local college rather than do A-levels. Once the secretarial course was finished I was forced to get a job or risked being thrown out. And of course, once I'd been a "secretary" no company would take me seriously in wanting to do something else. I got taken on in an estate agents as a negotiator but once the manager realised I had secretarial qualifications he decided that I could be the office admin assistant instead, so my chances of earning well through commission etc was gone.

I got married to my first husband, who was also very controlling and at that time i had a job working in logistics planning, which wasn't well paid but could have been had I progressed up the career ladder. I had my first DD and my husband at the time and my mum decided that I should be "at home with my baby" and my mum wrote up my notice to give to my job and my husband took it into my workplace. So I had no say in the matter.

I haven't really worked now since then (I'm now 34); I've re-married and my DH has a well paid job, but I feel completely robbed of any chance of doing well. I've lost all my confidence for working. This area is also a very low-paid area in general (DH London based so earns ok); a salary of 9k is advertised in the local paper as being a competitive salary. A high paid job in this town/area is probably 30k, there are no jobs that earn more than that.

I know it sounds like i'm blaming others but I do feel really resentful and like I've had no chances in life regarding work; I'd like to do something challenging, that I enjoy and that will eventually be well paid. Am I too old to carve a career? Where the flip do I start?

OP posts:
everyspring · 03/05/2011 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MumInBeds · 03/05/2011 10:23

There is no way you are too old to carve a career, do you know what kind of area you wish to look at? Are you still thinking medical or something else?

How about googling career aptitude tests and see what comes up?

I am studying with the OU and finding them great for a career change but that depends on the area you want to get into.

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:24

I haven't been happy, everyspring :-( I just grew up with very controlling parents that instilled a sense of fear, and marrying my first husband who was the same as them just carried it all on.

I've been having counselling for the past few months and am feeling a lot more in control of myself in general now though

Will buy that book for sure.

OP posts:
jamaisjedors · 03/05/2011 10:26

You are not too old. My mum retrained as a Primary School Teacher when we were teenagers, she was 40+.

You do need to stop blaming other people and do something about it yourself, can you do any unpaid internships in areas you might be interested in (volunteering for Oxfam etc or more local organisations?)

fizzyelderflower · 03/05/2011 10:26

Of course you're not too old and there are lots of options for you (the hardest part will be deciding what you do).

I do think it's probably time to stop being resentful and start focusing your energies positively.

There are loads of ways forward, just think about the one that works best for you. Once you've decided what you want to do (or even narrowed it down to a few options) look at course with the Open University, local FE colleges, local businesses where you could do a few hours for free in return for some experience. I know this is easier said than done - I'm trying to figure out what I want to do after my youngest goes to school and I've had to accept that there are some careers I might have loved but that I'd have to compromise my life too much to achieve.

It can be really tough and the hardest part is deciding what path you want to go down but you'll never regret trying something that may not work out - you'll always regret not trying anything at all.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 10:26

34 is still young enough to make a complete career change. You still have 30+ years of working life, so do what YOU want to do! go for it!!

Most study courses to get you started will begin in September but you need to get a place. Decided what you want to do, look at the courses available, and get cracking! :)

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:26

Muminbeds, I'd quite like to go into sales I think as I'm a "people person" and would enjoy it. When I was in one of my many admin jobs, it was in large store and I was allowed to sell once I'd done my admin duties for the day and I loved it.

OP posts:
bochead · 03/05/2011 10:26

Get yourself onto the OU website today girl! The courses can be fitted around the rest of your life and there is a huge range to choose from. The OU advisors are also very used to dealing with peeps in exactly your shoes so will be able to help you choose if the sheer choice available seems a little overwhelming when you first look.

Some of the introductory courses are free for certain groups without higher quals, though I have no ideas whether your hubby's earnings would be taken into account. It'd build your confidence too. Employers like OU graduates as it shows they are self-motivated, an increasingly appreciated personal quality in a selfish society.

No you are not too old! For our generation the retirement age just keeps rising so you still have plenty of time.

One career that might suit you is teaching science, given your interest at school, a shortgage subject and a stable career that's decently paid. The OU could get you there. Or they have other medically allied courses for other hospital type jobs.

mustdash · 03/05/2011 10:26

Huge sympathy with the parents thing. Mine were very similar. For various reasons I've ended up being a SAHM, and though I am much older than you, have recently started an OU course, which I am hoping will let me do something for myself, as well as get me into a career I want.

Maybe after you've had a look at the book everyspring suggests, you could call the OU, and ask them the best way to get yourself a useful qualification.

Good luck, and don't beat yourself up - or let anyone do it for you. Smile

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 03/05/2011 10:27

34 is not too old at all. Is your current H supportive? Or is there a possibliity that he will sabotage your attempts to retrain or get a good job?

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:28

Thanks everyone. I was feeling really low this morning, the replies are lovely.

Springchicken, yes hubby's supportive thank goodness.

OP posts:
Plumm · 03/05/2011 10:29

I'm 34. I had a career before having children, but I don't want to go back to it so I'm going to re-train. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do (have a newborn so it won't be for another year) but it is certainly possible to start a new career at this age.

You say your husband works in London but jobs local to you only offer £9k - is it possible for you to get into London too?

BendyBob · 03/05/2011 10:29

Could you start again? 34 isn't too old, not at all. Could you retrain or do a degree? Tell your mum to keep out of it! I can't believe you let her give in your notice Shock

My parents were an odd mixture of controlling and not interested. I really wish they'd seen how important university was to me. I did do a college course for a year, but I was still living at home and my father wouldn't speak to me for an entire year whilst I did it. He thought I should get a job. The atmosphere at home was appalling, so I quit and got an admin job. I never did get back on track and I regret quitting college and letting my situation at home influence that. I should have left and been stronger.

I will never let that happen to my own dc. I'll do whatever it takes to support them esp if they want to go to university.

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 10:32

Pushme, are you sure about sales? Please dont take this the wrong way, but you give the impression that you dont deal too well so far with being assertive and have let others control your life. Sales is bloody hard, and you need a thick skin, not qualifications. It is a very difficult area to work in, and in the current climate, even more so.

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:33

Plumm, I could get into London, it's about 90 minutes away by train but by some commuters standards I guess that's a short commute :-)

BendyBob, that's awful that your father didn't speak to you for a year, that's the sort of thing my parents would have done. I am the same as you with regards to my DC, the world is their oyster as far as I'm concerned and I want them to aim for the top (pushy mum, moi?!!). My mum wrote my notice letter up and gave it to my ex who took it into work for me (we worked at the same place) and I didn't know about it until I got a letter from my employer saying they were acknowledging that i didn't want to return to work and making arrangements to pay my accrued holiday pay. My parents didn't exactly instill confidence in me either and told me I was thick,useless, ugly, good for nothing, lazy etc so I guess I never aimed very highly in my jobsearches as I thought no one would be interested.

OP posts:
SmethwickBelle · 03/05/2011 10:34

Certainly not too old! Definitely look at the OU. My mum retrained as a teacher in her 50s, she's in her 60s now and very well respected in her field after about 15 years.

My sister started a radiology degree last year at 37, she'd never gone to University before and had been in office jobs that bored her senseless and would never give her the money she needed to support her kids as a single parent. Incidentally Radiology is a very well funded degree, or used to be, the NHS provides a lot of grants.

Good luck - the world is your oyster!

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:34

Squeaky, I'm a lot more assertive now than I used to be. It's been over 10 years since I split with my ex and I haven't let anyone control me since then.

OP posts:
Plumm · 03/05/2011 10:35

An inspiring sales story! DN had a tough time at school and left without completing her A levels. She got a job in a shop (fashion, which she loves) and has, in 3 years, worked her way up to manager of a well known shop. She was specifically bought in to turn the shop around as it was doing badly, and she has suceeded. She's managed it because she loves fashion, she loves running the shop and she is a very hard worker.

If you're interested in sales go and get yourself a job in a shop - it might not be the best paid job going but if you're after a career you need to start at the bottom and prove yourself.

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:36

Thanks again everyone; will certainly be checking out the OU.

Another area I've always been interested in is retail management, I wonder if it'd be possible to work my way up starting with a sales assistant job, and then I could work more locally. With potential to move out of the area and earn more in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:36

Ooooh we cross-posted, Plumm! Your Dn sounds like she's done brilliantly!

OP posts:
everyspring · 03/05/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ormirian · 03/05/2011 10:38

I think there are a lot more things to be resentful about than your lack of a career! The twats who surrounded you for one...

But it's never too late. 34 is not old. DH retrained as a teacher at 30, then after he qualified decided to go become a carpenter and then went back to teaching at 45 and is doing very well.

Good luck!

Original poster
Pushmeinthepool · 03/05/2011 10:40

The counselling is fantastic, Everyspring, I'm starting to realise that it wasn't me at fault but my parents. They convinced me I was a piece of scum not worth knowing...

I think there are a lot more things to be resentful about than your lack of a career! The twats who surrounded you for one...

This made me chuckle, ormirian :-)

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 10:40

Pushme, many retail stores struggle to find good managers, and it sounds like you would be perfect for that sort of role, so go for it. I doubt you will need to start at the bottom either, as you will have good admin skills and experience of retail work.

Get your CV tailored to highlight the relevant experience, and tout it around to as many employers as you can.

flipflopfly · 03/05/2011 10:42

I'd recommend going out and getting a job - especially in sales if thats where you're interests lie. Test the waters out and see if you like it, if the reality lives up to what you currently imagine.
A job should also give you the confidence to go further with OU (you'll probably have a wait anyway before the course starts) and help you decide what it is you like about work and don't like. 10 years plus is a long time out of the workplace it will take you time to get back into the swing of it