To feel resentful about not being given any chances to have a career?

[Pushmeinthepool]

Does anyone else feel that they've never stood a chance in life of doing anything that a) they enjoy or b) that pays well? I did well at school, and got very good grades at GCSE. I'd always wanted to be a doctor but at 16 my parents (who were very controlling) decided that I should leave school and do a shitty secretarial course at the local college rather than do A-levels. Once the secretarial course was finished I was forced to get a job or risked being thrown out. And of course, once I'd been a "secretary" no company would take me seriously in wanting to do something else. I got taken on in an estate agents as a negotiator but once the manager realised I had secretarial qualifications he decided that I could be the office admin assistant instead, so my chances of earning well through commission etc was gone.

I got married to my first husband, who was also very controlling and at that time i had a job working in logistics planning, which wasn't well paid but could have been had I progressed up the career ladder. I had my first DD and my husband at the time and my mum decided that I should be "at home with my baby" and my mum wrote up my notice to give to my job and my husband took it into my workplace. So I had no say in the matter.

I haven't really worked now since then (I'm now 34); I've re-married and my DH has a well paid job, but I feel completely robbed of any chance of doing well. I've lost all my confidence for working. This area is also a very low-paid area in general (DH London based so earns ok); a salary of 9k is advertised in the local paper as being a competitive salary. A high paid job in this town/area is probably 30k, there are no jobs that earn more than that.

I know it sounds like i'm blaming others but I do feel really resentful and like I've had no chances in life regarding work; I'd like to do something challenging, that I enjoy and that will eventually be well paid. Am I too old to carve a career? Where the flip do I start?

YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD!!!!!!

I know i am shouting. :)

My mother was a nurse. She had a very strong, pushy mother who prided herself on being The Family Matriarch and NO-ONE could do what they want. She decided her children's careers (one teacher, one doctor, one nurse and one who stayed home to be the carer for their parents) and she decided that my mother would be the nurse.

My whole entire life, all I recall is that my mother hated her job and wished she had been a teacher,. She refused to retrain because she was 'too old' but she had me when very young and so her 'too old' was in her early 30s too. It remains her biggest regret that she never turned around and did what she wished.

Please please do not let that be your future. Follow the advice re getting careers advice/ OU etc. I am 40 and have been lucky, i have had a career i really love(d), but which is no longer doing it for me and i am also thinking about retraining- I just do not know what as yet. Possibly something to do with law. You now have a supportive husband. This is really your time now. Your chance to be who you are meant to be.

Go for it. And enjoy every moment.

I met someone who qualified as a barrister in her 50s. Why not choose medicine now?

Bloody hell, I was thinking you were my Mum's generation but you're younger than me!

Never lie on your CV but don't tell them anything you don't want them to know (unless we're talking about criminal convictions)

You find your secretarial qualifications are career Kryptonite? Tell no-one.

You worked as a negotiator in an estate agents, before they demoted you? Very good. Well, how about estate agency again? Put the admin stuff at the end (but say admin, rather than secretarial) and then the assumption will be that the admin was a "gateway" to the good stuff. Of course, if they ask you a direct question you'll have to tell the truth, but it's easy enough to leave dates off, eg:

1999-2001 Anytown Estates, High St, Anytown, AB1 2DE
Negotiator

• Liaising with sellers, measuring up homes
• Arriving at a competitive price with sellers
• Preparing house details
• Selecting potential buyers and showing homes

Administrative Assistant

• Preparing house details
• Client liaison

(apols to any Estate Agents out there, I've no idea what the real duties are!)

Your confidence is very low. But you say you think you'd be good at sales. Start with yourself.

I always feel like I let myself down, I used to get straight As but then my mental illness (which was undiagnosed at the time) started acting up and my grades would fail. When I went to college I would be top of the class and then when I got ill drop out. It hurts to see my friend who always had lower grades than me but steady grades in a brilliant job (I am happy for her but it reminds me of what I could have been). So now I know what is wrong I am going back to study. I hope things work out well for you it is never to late.

34 is not too old, as my great gran used to say, you're a long time dead bonny lass.

First things first, decide what you want to do. If you retrain now you will need your husband's support, because you will need childcare and help around the house (either from him or hired help, or both) while you study or are at college/uni.

As an example, you can take an A level or Access diploma at a further education college or get onto an OU course. Universities will accept these courses as pre-requisites for a degree. You mentioned having aspirations to become a doctor. If you get onto an Access to Medicine/Dentistry course (COWA does one, there are others) you can apply to foundation medicine (a 6 year medical degree). These are aimed at people in your situation, competition is fierce but with determination it is possible. Alternatively, nursing or midwifery degrees are only 3 years... and as things stand, the NHS pays the tuition fees on these courses.

I'm 30, a mother of 2 DCs, and applying to medical school at the end of the year...

Oh my goodness it's so sad to see so many of us in this boat. I am older than you pushmeinthepool (I'm 46) and def feel a huge gap in my life - an unrealised ambition.

I have no way of fulfilling it just now, but I do my utmost to make my dc aware of life's possibilities and the bigger picture of what their education is for. I try to show an interest.

I do feel resentful for my younger self. It's not until you are an adult with dc of your own that you realise what a cock up your own parents made. Mine were absorbed in their own agenda at the time - I see that now. They just didn't want the hassle or involvment of helping me. The not speaking thing I mentioned is classic passive aggressive 'my parents'. I grew up with it and still get it now. They can be v difficult and at other times perfectly fine I regret not leaving home sooner and taking control of my own life but they never instilled any confidence in myself or my abilities.

Bendy, my parents are very passive aggressive too and I totally understand the difficult and fine scenarios you describe as that is mine to a T (perhaps we share the same parents? lol).

The secretarial course that my parents made me do was only a year, like the course you did, and although my parents did speak to me during it, they were very passive aggressive and "you should be very grateful to us for supporting you financially" about it all. My dad would also threaten on a weekly basis to phone the college and tell them I wasn't going anymore and then I really would be "out on the streets"

But then my parents also said on a regular basis that they would kill me if they could get away with it, so maybe they never really did have my best interests at heart....

i am 38 and went back to uni last year to train as a counsellor (along with psychology)

have not been to uni before and i love it, being made redundant (rather paid off) and then not being able to get another pa or hospitality organiser role was a kick in the teeth but also blessing i didn't want to go back to work in the city so i did an access course now i am at uni and training to do a job where my age is often an advantage

my advice get back to college and find something you want to do, you may get in debt, its debt that you can handle and i neither had any support but having my ds has given my the kick up the arse i so needed

Thanks again everyone

Just had a look on the jobcentre website for my area and there are quite a few retail assistant jobs. What I'd quite like to do is work weekends for now, until DS is in school in 2 years' time then I could up my hours and progress from there, although actually he will be going to nursery next February for a couple of sessions per week so I could look at upping hours then if necessary.

YOU ARE NOT TOO OLD! I went back to university in my early 30s and am now an academic - if you had suggested on my 30th birthday that that would ever be possible, I would have laughed in your face. And that was in the middle of breaking up with my ex, I lived on rice and lentils, etc. I am happier now than I ever have been, it has been the making of me not just professionally but as a person. Go for it!

Incidentally, my dad did a degree in his 50s after having been similarly forced by his parents to leave school at 15, and he wishes he'd done it decades ago.

of course you aren´t too old! my dh left school at 15 (expelled! naughty boy that he was) but in the last few years has got his high school diploma and completed a uni access course. he is applying to uni for a 4yr degree with hopes of becoming a teacher after that. he is 35 this year. it feels like a long road but if all goes well he´ll be on a new career path by 40 with another 30 years´ of work still ahead of him.

good luck!

If you bear in mind that most of us will be working well into our 70s - you still have 40 working years ahead of you (I realise that may not cheer you up - but does make the point that it's not too late!)

We have a media lawyer in our office who retrained at 50, after her kids had all left home - she was a part-time receptionist before that.

You're at an ideal age to retrain or do a degree. But you do sound as if you're lacking in confidence, although certainly not motivation! Universities are full of people your age and older doing first and second degrees. If you go into something like Human Resources, there are a lot of decently paid jobs out there.

I think you should consider your age and experience thus far as a positive - if you go to uni within commuting distance, you won't have to worry about accommodation costs like most students do. I would honestly go away to uni rather than the Open Uni just to get that experience of being away from the home. Plus, you have already had your children so can present this to an employer as an advantage that you won't be going away on maternity leave any time soon, and you are more experienced and sensible than most graduates.

I don't know about sales or retail, I think there are a lot of low paid jobs in that and would it not just end up repeating your past experiences of being pigeonholed into that?

sorry, but how long will you be blaming everyone else for your lack of success

i too went to secretarial college on leaving school, i didnt want to do it but the course i did want to do was full and this was on offer

at the age of 32, with two small kids, i decided to go to university, got my degree and have a fabulous job. I made it happen by working 2 jobs and paying my own way (and my fabulous husband's support). If i had chosen to stay in secretarial, why on earth would I have blamed others?

Not sure if there is a link to this but there is a fab book called "What Colour is my Parachute" which helps go through career options.

Here is the link

I found it really helpful when I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I stayed in the same career just another part of it. It makes you realise all the skills you do have.

so what about an access course?
shadow someone in a job youre interested in?
some volunteering

need to get confidence back,and recent up to date references

medicine fiercely competitive, some admissions tutors will look at older applicants but you NEED recent health and social care experience and gone and visited places.Voluntary etc. Also other nhs vocational careers eg Nursing, Occupational therapy, SALT

if you do go into a vocational career,consider how placements will impact and they wont all be local. need to travel.be prepared for lots hours study too. But it is an investment

what are your interests and apptitudes?
what are you comfortable doing?

financially how will you manage as a family
have you considered how student debts etc will impact

Gawdblimey, I didn't choose to stay in secretarial; Like I said, I got a job in an estate agent's as a negotiator but once the manager found out I had secretarial experience he demoted me and made me the office admin. Also my job before I had children, the one that my mother and ex resigned me from, was in logistics, it wasn't secretarial. Anyway, good for you for re-training and getting a good job at the end of it, it sounds like you worked really hard and you deserved the fabulous job at the end of it! Very inspirational and just the kind of thing I am going to do :-)

There are people at my uni on BIO and MED courses who are older than you! I think you'd be so much happier if you gave it a try.

Go for it! xxx

My parents didn't want me to go to university either - they wanted me to "go out to work and pay back some of the money that's been spent on you over the years." Luckily I got a good job, and have had an interesting career. But because I don't have a degree, I am effectively stuck in this career - I have looked to change, but every man and his dog now uses a degree as a sift, regardless of experience and ability to do the job. I am sort of stuck here now - the money is OK (I am the breadwinner) as I am now sufficiently senior, but I am a bit bored with the work. If you get the opportunity to do something else with your life then go for it!

if you chose vocational career,do get experience and shadow someone.imperative to really get a handle on what the job entails.

Just skim read but wanted to chip in: you are def not too old to train to be a doctor and presumably you will qualify for student loans as you have not previously studied for a degree. You prob need to get some "A" levels first though. Good luck and don't write yourself off.

My cousin started training as a doctor in her early thirties, and even had a baby or two in that time, so it did take years (some part time, some time off - it's very flexible) but she loved it and she is now about to be a consultant.

YABU. Sorry but perserverance pays and no matter what happens if there is a will there is a way.

I went to a sink school, did badly at GCSES and then badly at A Level....got into a top notch drama school, did a degree and now make a good living in a career I love.

If you want a career then decide what the perfect one for you is, make a plan and go and get it.

First of all, congratulations from moving away from controlling parenst and DP. That is not to be sniffed at. Are your parents still in your life, do they still have influence. If so be careful (probably teaching you to suck eggs here).

You are NOT too bloody old. I am 34, have a good 35 years left working probably, that is enough time to start and develop an amazing career.

I have 2 aunties who started their careers in their 30s. Aunt x used to work in a call centre, got made redundant, volunteered for the probation service and now has a brilliant career managing a victim support unit. My aunt y spent her life as a chambermaid and cleaner. Desperately wanted to be a nurse. Started an access course, whislt working in the evenings/nights to pay her rent. She then was accepted on a nursing degree course - this was very difficult as she had to commute there from north Devon to Plymouth (miles away). She had to repeat a year because she broke her leg badly in the middle of the course. 5 years of slog and hardship, and she qualified as a nurse last year at the age of 53. She has now got a job as a nurse in the children's hospice she used to be a cleaner at.

So nursing is a good idea if you are still keen on medicine, with lots of mature students. And if you are interested in sales, have you considered procurement/buying. Same skills sets as sales but a LOT more fun. I wouldn't bother with retail management as I would imagine that it a young industry.

You have to work your arse off, mind. Not to be blunt but you cannot resent your parents and husband forever. Bite the bullet and DO something.

I have got a great career, and I left school at 16 with just GCSEs. I was potentially Oxbridge material but due to family circumstance had to leave school. I got a job in a factory out of necessity, applied for an engineering apprenticeship there, and gained qualifications and degrees whilst working FT. It CAN be done, it is very hard work, but it is supremely satisfying. I cannot recommend it enough.