To feel resentful about not being given any chances to have a career?

[Pushmeinthepool]

Does anyone else feel that they've never stood a chance in life of doing anything that a) they enjoy or b) that pays well? I did well at school, and got very good grades at GCSE. I'd always wanted to be a doctor but at 16 my parents (who were very controlling) decided that I should leave school and do a shitty secretarial course at the local college rather than do A-levels. Once the secretarial course was finished I was forced to get a job or risked being thrown out. And of course, once I'd been a "secretary" no company would take me seriously in wanting to do something else. I got taken on in an estate agents as a negotiator but once the manager realised I had secretarial qualifications he decided that I could be the office admin assistant instead, so my chances of earning well through commission etc was gone.

I got married to my first husband, who was also very controlling and at that time i had a job working in logistics planning, which wasn't well paid but could have been had I progressed up the career ladder. I had my first DD and my husband at the time and my mum decided that I should be "at home with my baby" and my mum wrote up my notice to give to my job and my husband took it into my workplace. So I had no say in the matter.

I haven't really worked now since then (I'm now 34); I've re-married and my DH has a well paid job, but I feel completely robbed of any chance of doing well. I've lost all my confidence for working. This area is also a very low-paid area in general (DH London based so earns ok); a salary of 9k is advertised in the local paper as being a competitive salary. A high paid job in this town/area is probably 30k, there are no jobs that earn more than that.

I know it sounds like i'm blaming others but I do feel really resentful and like I've had no chances in life regarding work; I'd like to do something challenging, that I enjoy and that will eventually be well paid. Am I too old to carve a career? Where the flip do I start?

I read your OP in shock - assuming you would say you were in your 60s. Your mum wrote your notice letter and your husband handed it in, and they accepted that?!
You are a couple of years older than me but this is like a different world to me. You need to do something, now or you will always resent it. Can you travel into London to work as well? Can you do seomthign internet based from home? What would you be interested in?

You are not too old.

Don't fall in the trap of thinking 'o if only I had gone to uni and become a doctor my life would have been so lovely'

I know plently of doctors who had to jack it all in because they were having nervous breakdowns, never saw their families etc, etc. A career is not everything.

Of my friends at Bar School I am now the ONLY one still working as a barrister. Most of the women left because they couldn't make it work with young families. I stuck at one child or I would be in the same boat. Careers can bring amazing upsides but also huge problems and a lot of difficult choices, particularly for women who want to be mothers.

Life is a lot of swings and roundabouts but I firmly believe it is what you make it. Remember - freedom is what you do with what was done to you.

the thing that worries me about your posts is that you say the Manager of the Estate Agents 'found out' about your secretarial skills and 'demoted' you.
Why did you allow that to happen? How did he find out? Why didn't you just refuse to be demoted or resign?

maybe offer yourself up to do a bit of volunteer work initially as this will give you extra skills/something that other job applicants don't have. There will be a local office to you which can show you all sorts of things you could have a go at? I helped out in nature reserves for a while but there are loads of different things you can do.

The job centre will be able so give you ideas/suggestions for job choices/routes back into work.

I changed jobs at 34, well kids came I had 18months off, and then I went self employed into part time work -sales and then recruitment when they started school so i am there in the holidays for them and work when i feel like it. Find out what will work for you and good luck for the future! :)

You are not too old. I've just started a new career at 46 after doing jobs for years that fitted in with children. Total change in direction now and I absolutely love it. Very hard work but worth it..

Statelyposh, my mum wrote the letter and signed it as if it was from me. :-(

Spero, I resigned immediately from the Estate Agency when it happened. I actually cried when the manager told me that from now on my role would be admin. I'd taken the job because I wanted to try and get into the sales side of things rather than sit in an office all day in silence and was totally gutted when he said I had to do Admin. Totally

Lots of inspiring stories on here from those of you that are/have changed careers or have family members that have done. Glad I'm not past it!

you should have called the police!
But telling you how I'd have handled things in the distant past is not helpful, I know. The cheek of her though!

Pushmeinthepool I could have written your post. I was set on becoming a solicitor in school; I ended up on a business admin course, and pretty much drifted from one crap paying admin job to another.

I'm now 33, and in my final year of nurse training, after quitting my office job and going back to uni. I do look back and think I've wasted so many years of my life, and could have had a well paid career by now. But then things don't always go to plan do they! The way I see it is I'm still young enough to start a new career, and have plenty of life skills to bring to it.

Good luck with whatever you choose .

Stately, I wish I had called the police.

Toomany, I'm really glad to hear you're doing something you enjoy now.

My dad did his last degree in his 70s, and hasn't ruled out the possibility of doing another.

You have far too much time ahead of you to waste it.

Push...not as bad as you. I do serious hobbies. But I was never a careerist.

Ninedragons, your dad sounds fab!!

Well, I have got a career, although I haven't prorgressed much in it...but I think I chose the wrong one. I did reasonable well at school and was influenced (I would not say pushed) by my parents to do a teaching degree.

It was not long after I qualified that I realised that while I enjoyed aspects of the job, it was can be very stressful and full-on and I don't like that. However, by that point I was supporting my boyfriend (now husband) through his own degree and felt I could not retrain to do anything else as I had to be earning money to support him.

I am mortified by that now - why didn't I look after MYSELF instead of him? Why did I think I 'had' to pay his tution fees, etc.?! I can't blame him, as I offered all this to him on a plate - why wouldn't he accept my help?

I realise now that I have spent most of my life doing what other people wanted me to, or what I thought they wanted me to, and thinking I had put other people first. I have no idea why, as I wouldn't describe my parents as controlling. I do feel resentful sometimes, but I know really it was all my own doing.

I've got no chance of retraining or anything like that now, as we are locked into needing me to contribute to the mortgage, etc. DH says life is long and that I need to decide what I want to do and work towards it in the future. We'll see.

Your situation is much more extreme than mine - you need to stop being a bystander to your own life. Your mum writing your resignation letter and your husband taking it in! You are almost the same age as me, there should be plenty of time find what you want and train for it. If you are a SAHM I assume there is no real pressure on you to earn much, which makes studying easier in some respects. Would you be eligble for finanical assistance to study, or does your husband earn too much? (mine does :()

Awwww I hope you manage to get something sorted about re-training, Kickingking. It's horrible being in a job that makes you unhappy, and I can see how you feel resentful.

I don't think I'd be eligible for financial assistance unfortunately. But I'm sure I could somewhere find the money if I need to do any courses. I've contacted the local college today and they're sending me some course brochures, and have also spent some time perusing the OU website.

Pushme, how long ago was it that this estate agency demoted you? You are only 34 so it can't have been much more than 10 years. I don't know the time limits but I wonder if you might actually have a case for legal action against them as what they did was illegal - to demote you and (presumably) cut your pay on the grounds that you have a vagina secretarial experience.

I wondered that
But then it may have been that she was hired as secretary/admin but was given the opportunity informally to build up some toher skills

Still worth looking into though

Pushme, I couldn't sell anything to anyone, so there you are, you have a love and maybe a big talent for something that is needed by both retailers and consumers. What kind of products/lines interest you? Tropical fish? Beds? Cars? Widgets? How about trying these people for advice www.ismm.co.uk/ Or just see if there are any jobs going locally. Good luck - 'the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...'

Great, thanks for the link FannyNil

springchicken, it was about 8 years ago; the one and only time I've tried working after having children. Lasted about a week though.....

StatelyPosh, it was definitely a Sales Negotiator I was hired as. It's a company with lots of estate agents in my region and they had a massive campaign for Negotiators. I went through 4 interviews and eventually got a job at an office half an hour away. The first 3 days were great out and about with viewers etc then on the 4th day the manager said that as I had secretarial experience he wanted me to type up property details for the day as they were behind, which I spent the day doing unhappily. On the 5th day I went into work and he said he'd decided to move me from negotiator to office admin for the time being as I had secretarial experience and the office had a lot of admin that wasn't being done and so they needed someone to do it all.

I phoned the area manager on the Monday to say I wouldn't be going back and to complain but he just said that it was up to each branch manager how they utilised their staff and perhaps that branch didn't need any more negotiators. I wish I'd had the courage to take it further at the time but I was so upset I just sort of accepted it and that was that.

In a situation like that, you can just refuse. People do push to see what they can get away with. Stonewalling, and saying "I was hired as a negotiator, not an admin assistant. What grounds do you have to demote me? No, I'm not going to do that" can work. Yes - they could stand their ground back, you might not win, they could have fired you (but since you resigned, what difference) but they'd be on very shaky ground if they did.

Longtalljosie, I think that now I'd be more inclined to argue about it and refuse to change, at the time though my confidence was rock bottom. I bloomin well wish I had challenged them more about it though. I guess in a way I do have a fear of the same thing happening again if I get another job now but I'm more confident now so would hopefully deal with it better.

It can be insidious, lack of confidence, and you don't always realise it's affecting you. I applied for a job in my department as I was coming back from maternity leave - my confidence was a bit low. I thought I'd compensated for it in the application, I kept reminding myself to sell myself etc - but I came across the application the other week and despite all my efforts, it was a bit apologetic!

Perhaps when you do your applications, show them to your DH or a trusted friend who works - they can advise you on beefing things up.

You do know in your situation with your Mum, you could have called work and told them you hadn't actually resigned? But I imagine you decided you couldn't because of your Mum and XH

my dad was 34 when he started his law degree. after 20 years he had his own firm in 3 locations. he was late in his career because he was feckless, so if he can do it anyone can.

my own inspiration was a woman who did the access course with my cousin. she was previously a SAHM for years but eventually became a barrister and earns 40kpa for a 3 day week. I'm hoping to become a barrister as well and started uni last year at 23. Not old but married with a child. After DD was born I had the epiphany that I didn't want to be a SAHM or be in a job that would go nowhere, and the only person to stop that happening was me!

www.open.ac.uk

www.accesstohe.ac.uk

These sites may give you some help. I have know adults go through this with no qualifications and then go onto Uni and be very successful. Its tough but within a year you could be at Uni.

I was going to suggest the OU too, flickor! They are fabulous Pushmeinthepool, they really are.

Wow - you could do ANYTHING! Anything you want to do, you could go for now; the world is your oyster. I'm almost envious of you