To this this policeman was being really rude?

[zedfaca]

We've been having problems with our neighbours for the last nine months. They scream at the tops of their voices constantly. They woke me up in the middle of the night all the time when I was pregnant and now they're disturbing my very young baby by waking him up when he's trying to nap etc. They have woken us up or kept us awake more than 100 times. We've tried talking to them but apparently asking them not to scream right next to our bedroom is against their human rights. We've spoken to their landlord, their university and the council and no one can get through to them that they're the ones in the wrong. Luckily they won't be allowed to renew their contract and will be moving out soon.

Anyway, I'd just managed to get my baby to sleep for the night when they started doing it again and woke him up. I banged on the wall to tell them to be quiet. Then they came round and knocked on our door to tell me to stop harassing them!!! Well, I flipped out and started screaming at them to go away and telling them that they're ruining our lives and called them a pair of selfish bitches.

They went back in their house and then called the police who came round to talk to me about threatening them! We told the policeman that we'd tried everything under the sun to resolve the situation but nothing has worked.

The policeman then asked me if I had post-natal depression! It wasn't a routine question, he said it like he thought I problems. I was so offended, I didn't even know what to say. I've got no issues at all, my health visitor said that she thought I was a brilliant mum the last time she was here. I feel so upset that he would ask me that. I just think it's horrible. I mean, how many times would anyone let their baby be woken up by idiots before they got angry?

I mean, if I didn't have a baby would he think it was ok to accuse- it was an accusation the way he said it- me of being depressed?

Am I alone in thinking this is really out of order?

Thank you, that means a lot to me. And the same to the few people who have been through this too or listened to me.

I don't think my baby is bothering them very often though. He's more of a grizzler than a screamer and I very rarely let him scream. Our other neighbours are a lovely couple and they've told us they can't hear him.

maybe THEY are a little annoyed.....does your baby cry alot perhaps???

Oh you sound at your wits end. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I think with the policeman's question, you can only let it go. It's not an abnormal question for him to ask. I appreciate you felt the tone was inappropriate but there are myriad reasons for his enquiry. Because if it ever got to the point of these young ladies pursuing the matter, any possible defence you give needs to be mentioned asap. And threatening behaviour isn't about what you do but about how you make other people feel (just to explain why you don't have to say anything obviously threatening for it to be treated that way). He could also have wanted to help. He might have been going for sympathy and establishing exactly how your neighbours' behaviour is affecting you. But really having a new baby, being exhausted and having this next door, let the policeman's comment go and try and chalk it up to him caring. You'll just seethe otherwise.

It is a civil matter, the noise problem. I'd pursue that if you have the energy. There are things the council can do if it's as bad as you describe.

OP, I think you should just let the police PND question go tbh. He may well have said it in a tone of voice that you felt was insulting, but there seems little point now in analysing it on MN.

You might have been better off reporting the two students when they threatened to beat you up. Too late now.

I think you feel most angry with the policeman because he has somehow called into question the grounds for your very understandable behaviour. I think if I'd been woken up 100 times by my neighbours I would be beyond angry. And the fact your neighbours on the other side (assuming the walls of your houses adjoin too) don't even know you have a baby seems to show you don't have an especially noisy LO.

So, for your own peace of mind, try and sit out the next couple of months, until term ends and the students will leave.

I think some of us are looking at the OP's concerns through the lens of situations previously encountered rather than being open to her sense of what happened, particularly - including those who deal with these sorts of situations in their work lives. are inadvertanently coming across as rather bullying towards the OP - demanding she adjust her view of the incident , rather than listen to her when she says the tone of the question & the way he asked it are the cause of her disquiet.

Surely it's very simple to understand & acknowledge the fact that MH issues are sensitive - yes or no ? No one expects to be mollycoddled , just treated civilly. Factor in the stress of being informally questioned by a police officer - uniforms & police speak are designed to put the public on edge & thus make sure enquiries are efficciently conducted up - & the officer needs to employ a minimum level of sensitivity when asking MH questions . yy at "middle class reverence for the police"

Sympathies re: these neighbours , who would appear to be not "only" noisy , but anti social , confrontational & threatening. OP wants opinions , but expected to be fullyheard first

Apologies for typo ...zedfaca , the police are supposed to take incredibly seriously their handling of various "groups" in the community , ie the public in our in our varying circumstances , & to welcome feedback so as to improve their performance. There are various user groups who work with the police on this , though I can't remember any of them at this moment ( says she helpfully ). Some such feedback from you might be useful for other members of the public in future & help officers from your local force to avoid being the subjecct of future complaints.

I can understand you being offended by the policeman's question, because it sounds a bit patronising, and implies that the problem lies with you and your mental state, and not that you are an entirely reasonable person who has been driven to lose her temper by extreme provocation (if I had neighbours that acted like these, I would be at my wits' end too).

I am going to have to chalk it up to an insensitive policeman but I really worry about him potentially upsetting someone who really does have depression/post-natal depression. I went through depression many years ago after a bereavement and I don't think it makes anyone any more or less likely to lose their rag at a pair of belligerant neighbours after a hell of a lot of provocation. I mean, isn't there a point when we would all just shout? And it just shouldn't be that a woman with a young child should automatically be assumed that she's incapable of being rational and is likely to be suffering mental health problems rather than just really, really annoyed! My husband is equally angry about it but somehow I doubt he would've been asked that question if it had been him shouting (if we adjusted the scenario to be two men because he wouldn't shout at girls). They didn't feel genuinely threatened by me at all. They were hooting with laughter and the policeman even said that it was a strange complaint because they'd told him they didn't feel threatened. They were literally just trying to upset us as much as they possibly could and they didn't have a thought for what precious resources they used up and the fact that someone really could be in danger while they take up a policeman's valuable time.

They don't have a thought in the world for anyone besides themselves and they've openly admitted that they think it's against their human rights to be asked to scream in their living room rather than their bedroom. That's why the landlord has refused to renew their contract. Thankfully this means we don't need to persue for an eviction order. I just want them to leave us alone until term ends.

No your DH would probably have been asked if he had been drinking/taking anything. It was a valid question. Asked by a PC who was trying to get to the bottom of the situation. And personally I'd consider being asked that as being offered a get out clause. After all you were the one that had been reported. I've had PND and I was totally irrational and very given to ranting. I would NOT have been insulted by being asked that. I still wouldn't be.

Your beef should be with these girls. Not the bloody police, who were only following up on a report.

Policeman not being rude imo.

Why haven't you discussed the noise pollution issue with your local council?

As I said should it get to the point of you having to provide a defence, any pertinent issues such as MH should be established asap to allow them to be included as a defence. It's right he asked. You don't need to chalk it up as insensitivity or draw any conclusions about what the question means.

And it doesn't matter if they were laughing and joking. They report something, the police have to follow up.

Sounds like a stressful situation all round. BTW threatening to beat you up? THAT is when YOU should be getting the police involved.

I'm not going to try to explain the way he said it again. Yes, as a routine question I would've been happy to tick that box but it wasn't. I've also explained several times that I've gone through every official channel and reasonable step before getting to this point.

I would have called the police when they threatened me but I was utterly exhausted at that point and couldn't face it. My husband spoke to their university the next day and they were spoken to by their welfare officer. Which didn't make a blind bit of difference to them because apparently it's their right to party and they don't care about a baby who can't sleep, a pregnant woman who can't sleep or a man who needs to go to work and drive hundreds of miles delivering urgent medical equipment. They know all of this but us peacefully living our lives is inconsequential compared to their urge to drunkenly scream at the tops of their voices in the middle of the night.

You are tired, hormonal and sleep deprived. I'm really not trying to make light of this because I think your neighbours need a good kick up the arse. But I think in this situation it would have been extremely easy, and understandable, for you to have misread how the PC was asking you. Or maybe he was exasperated at having to investigate what was clearly, to him and you, a timewasting report. And his frustration at that came out in his voice.

Circle the day the Uni breaks up on a calendar and start a countdown to when these utter wastes of oxygen leave.

I think perhaps I should come round and bellow in some of your faces and wake you and your children up in the middle of the night and see how many times it takes for you to get angry. Then I'll ask you if you're mentally unstable. Seriously, I can't believe people think they would be in the land of infinite patience after seeing their child's face screwed up in despair at not being able to sleep when they're desperately tired.

I agree with Sarah (as usual). The tone might have been inappropriate, we will never know but when exhausted and sleep-deprived it's so very, very easy to misinterpret and take offence. I'm trying not to sound like a patronising twit, but it's sometimes easier to try and believe the best of people and not add it to the weight of an already considerable load.

I've had neighbours like you describe. Coincidentally also uni students. The house had to be gutted when they left. It was a living hell. I do sympathise, I really do. Hopefully it's only a matter of weeks now?

PND does not mean mentally unstable. You're drawing conclusions that aren't there.

Please please please don't let this eat away at you.

That is a very good point. Maybe he was just annoyed himself and didn't mean to sound so harsh. He did seem pretty fed up.

The thing that really worries me is, is he going to be contacting my health visitor about this? I just want it all to be over, not have even more meetings and things bothering me.

I am sorry that this thread has made you feel even worse about the situation than you were already.

I agree with Sarah and SOH.

Maybe he was insensitive, maybe you misinterpreted his question. At the end of the day you have to put it behind you and look forward to the day when your inconsiderate neighbours move out.

No no I know it doesn't mean mentally unstable. The way he said it made it sound like that was what he was asking. That's why it shocked me.

Don't know about the hv. But you don't have to see them anyway if you don't want to. If he said he thought it was weird and seemed aware of the ongoing situation, I can't imagine it warranting any further investigation of any sort. Did they say they were just leaving it there?

Changing a few circumstances, dh is a copper. He was called out a while ago to a guy who had bought a £2.99 sandwich and accidentally left it on a shop display while he browsed magazines. When he returned an hour later it was gone. He called the police (dh duly investigated). He rang many, many more times insisting on cctv and then that the police refund his £2.99 as a 'public service'. So the idea that your local friendly PC is a bit fed up with timewasters is probably an accurate one.

Oh, and even if he contacts your HV (which I don't think would be a bad thing) it can only mean extra support for you.

Tbh, I think if you had not made the comments equating PND with being "hormonal and crazy" - even if that was not your meaning but your interpretation of how the PC saw it - you would have got a different response on MN.

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. It sounds as though the pc asked about PND in the tone that some men ask a woman about PMT, simply because she isn't saying what he wants to hear. It is rude and dismissive because it implies women are hostages to their hormones and are not capable of making rational judgements.

I wouldn't worry about him contacting your HV - I'm guessing she is aware of the situation - she'll be able to give him the whole story, not just the bits your hateful neighbours chose to share. Plus, if he suggests you are overreacting due to PND, if she's anything like my old HV she'll give him an earful.

Yes you're quite right about the hormonal and crazy. It doesn't sound nice and shouldn't be equated with post-natal depression. I'm just struggling to get across that that's what I'M saying.

This thread really has made me feel worse about this. To tell the truth, I was in tears last night seeing some of the replies. It was just too much confrontation. From these girls, then the police, then from some posters. I just want my baby to sleep undisturbed. It's made me feel worried about ever posting anything ever again. I was having a lovely weekend before all this happened. We're such a happy family, everything is just perfect apart from this racket.

Put it behind you, Zed. It is not worth it.

I think those who reacted badly to your OP were upset by the insinuation that PND = crazy. Rereading the OP, I can see that this wasn't what you meant, but both the OP and the subsequent posts are not quite clear.

Having suffered from PND after the birth of my DS, I was quite indignant until I understood what you meant.

Yes I can see that. I would be a bit of a horrible cow to be saying how dare he accuse me of having post-natal depression. It was more about the way it seemed that he viewed post-natal depression. It seemed to me that he thought PND was basically hormonal and crazy which obviously it isn't. I would just hate for someone with it or any kind of depression to be thinking that their condition meant they didn't have the right for their reactions to be judged on the same spectrum as everyone else.
Even so, I think I'm going to steer clear of these forums in the future. It's such a relief to hear that some people agree that they would've been fuming too in my situation. I think anyone starts to question themselves once enough people say that you're the problem. It's given me a right headache!