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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my sister?

157 replies

drowninginlaundry · 01/05/2011 17:50

just trying to do the right thing here so help me out:
over the Easter break me and DH went away for 10 days on a charity expedition. My sister, her DH and their two DDs stayed in our house with my mum to look after our three DCs. She volunteered to do this, it was agreed ages ago and it was the only way we could have done it.

We've just had a horrible row over money. We left a float of £300 when we left, my bank card with PIN with instructions that if they needed more for food, outings with the children etc they were to use it. We left them our car, insure them on it. Arranged and paid for cleaners.

When we got back I saw that DSis and brother in law have withdrawn another £700 in cash in 10 days, plus spent £250 on my card, so in total they spent £1250 from our account in 10 days, to feed three adults, four children and one 9-month old baby.

There's history - I help my sister out a lot. When they lived abroad they would visit us on holidays and rarely paid for anything, they drove my car and I filled it with petrol, we always fed them well. She owes me money and I had agreed to waive a £200 debt as a thank you for childcare over Easter.

When I queried the £1250, which as it transpired included things like pub lunches for everyone and filling her car with petrol, she blew her top, and said that since she helped look after my children they should not have had to pay for anything.

I'm happy to contribute for some of their food and obviously they have done us a massive favour, but there is no way I would manage to spend that much in 10 days without going completely nuts in Tesco champagne section. I want her to pay some of her family's share back as we simply can't afford to pick up that kind of tab (put it this way, they don't spend like that when it's their own money. They are both teachers so good jobs but not loaded), but I don't know how much would be reasonable given how much they helped us. And I don't want us to fall out over this.

OP posts:
dearprudence · 01/05/2011 18:11

£300 is nowhere near enough money to feed and entertain a family of 3 adults, 4 children and a baby for 10 days (if the children are on school holidays), but you obviously expected her to need more, which is why you left the card.

However, the amount she's taken is way too much. And if I was her, I'd expect to spend some of my own money on days out, and I'd imagine my mum would chip in as well.

The idea that you pay all expenses for her family is ridiculous.

My sister has looked after DS for 4 days when DH and I went on a short anniversary holiday. 2 of the days were weekend and he was at school the other two. I don't think we left her any money (although I bought lots of nice wine and treats to leave for her). Money would simply not have been discussed - and I know she'll have taken him out and spent money on him.

YellowDinosaur · 01/05/2011 18:11

sorry I meant that 'those of you who are making out that the money is cheap for the childcare the op got' not what I said!

evilgdil · 01/05/2011 18:11

those people saying that if you worked it out it was xx per hour for child care, her sister offered. she wasnt asked. and think how much an au pair and a cleaner for 10 days would have cost the op, far far less than her sister who wasnt working, but doing a favour.

activate · 01/05/2011 18:12

OMFG how can you not fall out over this?

you have been taken for a ride

and your sister has no financial morals

£1250 over 10 days when she's in your home !

WTF? I'd go ballistic

Checkmate · 01/05/2011 18:12

I see that you don't want to fall out over this, but I don't think that's possible, to be honest.

She was dishonest and you can either lump it, but feel aggrieved for a long time, or confront her and ask for a refund on some of it (which she may or may not give you).

Don't accept favours from her, they clearly come with strings.

fizzylaces · 01/05/2011 18:13

She was very unreasonable. What a chancer she is. Poor you... But as shemademedoit said, childcare would have cost more.

GORGEOUSX · 01/05/2011 18:13

I have to say that the £300 you left them for 10 days is a paltry amount. You expected £30 per day to be enough for all of them ? Plus it was a holiday period? How on earth did you think they were going to entertain themselves AND YOUR DC for £30 a day and feed themselves too?

They may have taken the piss a little - I don't doubt it - but you took the piss initially, so I think you got what you deserved.

YellowDinosaur · 01/05/2011 18:14

exactly dearprudence - if my sister looked after my boys I'd do the same thing. My sister would be insulted if I left her money and it would still be there when I got back. Ditto if I looked after her 2 - I'd expect nothing more than a big thankyou

Zooo · 01/05/2011 18:15

That's an awful lot of money.

You left £300 which is £30 a day. That is probably on the low side if you expected them to entertain your three children too. What did they do for days out? What does your mother say?

It does sounds like they took advantage but I wouldn't be inclined to ask for it back. If ever there was a next time I'd ask how much she needed per day.

YellowDinosaur · 01/05/2011 18:17

But the OP didn't expect the £300 to be all they would need did she as she left her card and instructed her sister to use it if she needed for more food or for days out.

Original poster
drowninginlaundry · 01/05/2011 18:18

I know, I was stupid not to have set limits. I asked my Mum what happened and she said she tried to offer money for food and she was told 'no, we are looking after their children so they are paying'. DSis did say to me today that it would have cost us a lot more if we had had to hire a nanny - although it's irrelevant as we obviously wouldn't have gone and left our children for 10 days with a nanny. And yes, my brother in law is as bad. We came home and he was wearing DH's clothes, having helped himself from our wardrobe.
I am an idiot, I really am. But i also feel that if I let this one go without challenging her it just makes me look even more like a walking cash machine in her eyes Sad

OP posts:
bittersweetvictory · 01/05/2011 18:18

c,mon drowning we are all dying to know what your mother says about it, can she justify the amount of cash your sister stole spent.

Original poster
drowninginlaundry · 01/05/2011 18:18

Oh and apparently there are no receipts for the £1000 in cash.

OP posts:
evilgdil · 01/05/2011 18:19

what did they do with the kids while you were away?

Zooo · 01/05/2011 18:19

So can they give an account of the days out they all had in your absence? I would have perhaps entrusted the card to your mum but not to your sister.

Bogeyface · 01/05/2011 18:20

Email might be your friend here.

That way you can state your case unemotionally and without a row blowing up right there while you are trying to explain how you feel.

I still dont think you will see a penny paid back but atleast you will have made your point. And I would be annoyed at your mum not saying something at the time, rather than just accepting the situation tbh.

rainbowinthesky · 01/05/2011 18:20

I have to say it would make me view my sister in a very different light from now on. That said, you really should have agreed all these before going as your dsis obviously saw it as a financial thing rather than family favour. Shock at him wearing your dh's clothes.

bittersweetvictory · 01/05/2011 18:20

oops crossposted, you are not an idiot drowning, i would be so outraged if anyone did that to me that i would sell all their stuff on ebay.

Original poster
drowninginlaundry · 01/05/2011 18:22

I don't rely on her for childcare, in fact I have looked after their DD2 on occasions when they were stuck.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 01/05/2011 18:22

Thinking about it, rather than asking for money back you could say that you feel that the £1000 cash was far too much and therefore you would like them to tell you how they intend to repay the £500 they owe you.

Dont give them the option to argue about whether they owe you, tell them that they do and keep the discussion to how they will pay it back.

saffy85 · 01/05/2011 18:25

I don't understand why some posts are bringing up childcare costs. The OP's sister volunteered to look after the DC while she was away, presumably as a favour from one sister to another. If you want to argue that point should the sister also declare her "earnings" to the taxman?

I don't see how you can not fall out over this, I know I'd be spitting blood if my sister took the piss like that, likewise if I did that to her my name would be mud.

This doesn't sound like someone who's "bad with money". This sounds like they splashed the cash because, well, someone else was picking up the tab for it.

c0rn51lk · 01/05/2011 18:25

what does she say she spent it on apart from pub lunches and food/petrol? She is massively taking the piss.

YellowDinosaur · 01/05/2011 18:25

Yes if there are no receipts I would want them to explicitly tell me what they did each day and (roughly) how much everything that they did cost. She has to be able to give you this and if she can't then she has obviously been spending your money on things for herself.

I am no tihgt arse but I would really really struggle to spend this amount of money in 10 days and double so if it was someone elses!!!

skybluepearl · 01/05/2011 18:26

they are family. they were supposd to be helping out just like families do - so not formally paid childcare in any shape or form. they are taking the piss.

1250 plus the 200 hundred you lent them is almost 1.5k. yes it is as good as theft. 300 was ample for food for all of you plus maybe another 100 for treats. it's not like they had any bills to pay and you bought all thier food too. they have just completely used you. what on earth did they spend it on? what does your mum say? what can you do about it?can you send them the link to this page.

change your pin and never let them have it again.

kw1986 · 01/05/2011 18:27

That is absolutely shocking and I would be fucking raging if one of my sisters had done that to me!!

That is a crazy amount of money. You basically put them up in your house, let them drive your car that you insured for them, wiped a debt your sis owed you, hired them a cleaner and she had the nerve to take £1250???

The £250 on your card, can you see where it was spent? The other £1000... Is it possible she's just taken some for herself? Did you leave full cupboards, fridge and freezer? HAve the told you what activities they done for those 10 days? Any expensive days out or anything?

I'm actually gobsmacked at your sisters nerve. I don't think you will be able to not fall out. She doesn't deserve you as a sister if this is how she treats you.