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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you cope with teens in a city ? schools ...gangs etc ?

197 replies

doley · 26/04/2011 15:33

We left SW London 5 years ago .

Now we live in a very rural area in the states ,but ,will be returning to the UK (country this time ) later in the year :)

How do your teens cope /and enjoy life ? ~what do they get up to ?

I couldn't see my boys fitting in /coping with London life again after a much gentler slower place of life .(they are not un-streetwise btw, just now 'from here ' )

AIBU to think I would be a nervous wreck each time they left the house for fun, or just a daily journey to school ? Male gangs particularly concern and frighten me .

I do not read the Daily Mail that much Grin

OP posts:
Mummywalsh · 26/04/2011 20:27

YANBU, I live in London and though my LOs are toddlers, I have teenage siblings.
Gangs tend to target weaker boys (to bully not recruit) and if yours are going to be living in the countryside and visiting London they need to either avoid hotspots or wise up a bit. Practical advice for any teenagers: Stick to main roads/populated areas, sit downstairs on buses (this is vital in London), avoid bringing attention to themselves (nice phones, being noisy) and not using slang inappropriately (delicate line between ingratiating and offending other teens).

squeakytoy · 26/04/2011 20:27

Doley, if your kids are going to visit relatives on day trips, I assume they are not going to be hanging around street corners or in the parks at night time. They will be as safe as anywhere else in the world if that is the case.

Mummywalsh · 26/04/2011 20:37

Wow, you lot are so catty, all the woman was asking for was some reassurance that her boys would fit back in again. The nicer the area, the more likely it is to attract muggers, why are you going to mug your peers when you can travel to more affluent parts where they have nicer phones/jewelry, more cash on them and they know these teens won't put up a fight because they can't and it doesn't matter because mummy and daddy will replace it tomorrow. Never you think you or your teens are immune from crime, regardless of your postcode.

Goblinchild · 26/04/2011 20:40

I think you may find that your opinion isn't backed up by the statistics.

EgguStudent · 26/04/2011 20:41

OP, please read back through the thread. The majority of posters have said that yes, gangs are a problem, but not for those who will be visiting for the day. It is those who live in the worst affected areas that have that worry, and being good-looking will not affect it either way.

In other news, Wheely good cow

moonymama · 26/04/2011 20:56

This thread has made me laugh but been listening to those with serious comments as well. Can someone please tell me where the bad bits of SW London are? We're planning on moving to Teddington sometime soon. Clearly not a bad area, but just interested to know where they are. For example, Hounslow isn't so good, but would that be counted as a bad gang area? I lived in Putney for a few years.....only fights I saw were on the trains when the people from Wandsworth couldn't get on!

thefirstMrsDeVere · 26/04/2011 21:27

doley dont go and dont cry. If you stick around you will have a lot of fun.

Your OP did make me bristle a little bit if I am honest. I can see you are geniunely concerned for your boys and that is perfectly natural. I understand your worries.

But as the mother of 4 boys, all mixed race, all working class and all who live in a rough part of London - you could be interpreted as being a bit 'them and us'. My boys being 'them'. The dangerous ones, the ones to be avoided, who might prey on your golden boys [not your words I know].

I am prepared to accept you didnt mean it like that. Just trying to explain why it could seem like you did.

TBH I have had a lot more trouble with my eldest boy due to the kids he has mixed with. As previously touched upon, he has a lot of friends who have more money than him and parents who are far less strict than we are. They drink, they smoke and they are enabled to do so by their parents who do not want to prevent their kids from expressing themselves. These children have the means to be 'bailed out' if they get in trouble. My DS has had a hard time realising that he doesnt.

If I were you I wouldnt give gang warfare in London another thought. You dont have to so why bother? Its on my doorstep and I cannot afford to drive myself nuts fretting over it.

Original poster
doley · 26/04/2011 21:28

Ok,because I wanted to see what would kick off next /abuse hurled at me ...

I am from London was there just till 6 years ago .

As I have family and friends there ,my boys will visit ,not a day trip~ maybe for a while ~they will be expected to get around at some point .

I am not silly I know a day out a museum prob won't end in a fight ,but it could it happens a lot .

I am happy to argue my point ,I am happy for those to disagree (obviously) but ...the childish references to models is unfair and very bitchy .

A private joke within a thread is uncalled for ,it is spiteful and very childish .

I don't get the joke ,and I guess that is the whole point FOR THOSE TEASING .

I started explaining that in my son's case his pretty boy looks cause a fuss ,they do even here ~ and that it would add to my understandable fears .

As he is unaware of what not to look out for, I came for help ,to get an up to date version of life there .

To hear I sound grating is rude ,I am a very fair person ~I despise unbalance and wanted to make my point totally understood so as NOT TO HURT .

I understand that many of you face difficulties in sending your boys about their day in London ~for that, I am sorry .

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 26/04/2011 21:34

Bloody hell.

animula · 26/04/2011 21:36

Doley - You do it by inches. Visit London with them. then, when you get a sense of their being ready for it, you let the circle widen. Trips out alone, within the area: small circles of freedom, widening around you.

Build up to letting them go. You're going to have to do it at some point, (18 = university for many. So that's a deadline to aim for) so the trick is to do it slowly, building up a sense of empowerment.

The same in America, where you are at the moment, the same in Dorset, or wherever you end up, the same in any other place (including London).

They are probably safer in London than in smaller places, just because of the large numbers of people - lots of eyes.

Bad things happen, all over. Statistically, they will probably be fine. They may be unlucky - all you can do is hope they're not.

Build up their self-esteem, so that they have a sense of their boundaries, and a sense of their right to say "no" to people behaving in encroaching/threatening ways. try to give them the self-respect to walk away from bad situations, where they feel uncomfortable. Tell them the things you have learnt, to avoid trouble.

It's all you can do, really.

Original poster
doley · 26/04/2011 21:37

thefirst again, thank you :)

I have posted earlier that it was not the same type of gang life you have to deal with that was my first concern . I should have clarified that even more ~that would have helped I think ? :)

I am never of the us and them mentality EVER a different race was never even in my mind ~in fact, when I picture it (in my mind) I see a white skinhead ...like the one who attacked me with a knife :(

Guess my skinhead reference will start something off now ,but ,I just wanted to give all the details again lol Grin

OP posts:
TheRepublican · 26/04/2011 21:38

What an odd thread

Straight2Extremes · 26/04/2011 21:42

Pretty odd indeed, you are not living in London, gang violence normally only affects people who live in the area and more specifically people who already involved in gang related things in some way.

You should be more worried about drunken louts walking about.

Original poster
doley · 26/04/2011 21:44

straight2 I have not said I wasn't ...:)

Please read MY posts ...not ideas bleeding from other peoples posts .

OP posts:
HalfPastWine · 26/04/2011 21:50

OP, the way I read it is that you're nervous that your boys may run into some gangs not join them? Maybe I've misunderstood.

At the end of the day it's down to the company they keep. Keep them involved in activities as suggested by other posters so they're not hanging around the streets.

BitOfFun · 26/04/2011 21:51

I think you are making rather a lot of the model goats, tbh. You didn't mention you were a model before. Or a goat, for that matter Hmm

But I think that you've had a bit of stick because you have come across as somewhat precious, and implying rather that other people's kids aren't quite so 'special' as yours, somehow. Yet you thought Xenia was joking. It doesn't sound so great when you hear it from somebody else's mouth, does it?

suburbophobe · 26/04/2011 21:56

ie join scouts/adventure scouts, cadets etc

hands up all of you whose teenage kids are into that Grin

(mine's not into a gang either, by the way!)

Pagwatch · 26/04/2011 22:02

Op,
There is no private joke.
Everything is on the thread. Just some silly word play - gloat = goat - all out in the open.

Odd sense of humour probably. But not sinister or private.

Original poster
doley · 26/04/2011 22:08

bitofFun unless all the posters on here have kids in gangs, I have no idea why they would think my post pertained to them Confused

I am far from precious ...I also stated ages ago that I am not a helicopter parent, so would want my boys to know how to handle themselves .

Don't tell me you didn't know I was a model for 17 years ...it says so on my profile .

Xenia 's post ...I am in a totally different position to her( as I am sure she would agree if she sees this? ) I don't think I can eliminate all the evil in this world with a good private school ~isn't that what she was implying ?

I hope she sees this and puts me straight ,I would like her to to be able to defend her stance/opinion.

PLEASE tell me how on earth I came across as precious ,I didn't say that my kids were better ...I can't be the only parent who has this concern ?

I did say they were "pretty" they are BOYS ...that can make for a difficult situation at times and make them a target .

I do know what I did do wrong though ,I should have used the word GROUP of boys ...I think this post would have been over ages ago ,had I done so .

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 26/04/2011 22:17

I didn't know you were a model as I don't tend to check profiles.
Do you mean that you thought all the model goat and cow comments were aimed at you because of your past career? Confused

BitOfFun · 26/04/2011 22:17

Why would you assume I would look at your profile? FWIW I have not. I formed my impression of your attitude from your words, which started being somewhat prissy once people wondered why you were worrying about something frankly unlikely in your circumstances. But you seem to think that any disagreement comes from a lack of understanding or experience, which is not the case.

BitOfFun · 26/04/2011 22:20

Still, I have no wish to further upset you or continue arguing. I hope you have a smooth move and that your boys enjoy visiting London when they do, as I'm sure they will.

WMDinthekitchen · 26/04/2011 22:23

We live in a city of approx 400,000. Gangs can be seen on any day at any time - walking to school or going home, at the shopping malls, in the centre of town, going out in the evening. In the 18 years I have lived here I cannot ever recall seeing any gang involved in "trouble". DD is 16 and may go into town with a gang of friends (which I just define as a group of people). They don't smoke, swear, mug people or take drugs and are more likely to be found having coffee in Starbucks or queueing up for the cinema. Any town or city of any size has areas where there may be problems and which it may be wise to avoid particularly at night - asking around will soon tell you where they are. Being aware and developing some street wisdom is a good thing but it is a fallacy that there are thieves and footpads round every corner.

Original poster
doley · 26/04/2011 22:23

Goblin and BitOfFun* I can't win with my explanation can I ?

With all those posters firing at me ,it would be likely that I would get prissy ~even if I was not at all during my original point (I hope )

Ok ,you didn't look at my profile ~then your banter was even more out of place IMO .Grin

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/04/2011 22:25

I do enjoy the odd tangent, it has to be said Grin