AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

Doing most of her socialising on facebook doesn't sound great.
Maybe if she invited a friend over she would have an incentive to keep her room more tidy - this works for my dd!

Voldemortsnipple
I could ahve written your OP. DD is exactly like yours. 14 and happy to live in a pigsty, happy to break her own things and then use everybody elses.

I did her room several weeks ago, after asking her/threatening her for weeks. I threw away lots of her stuff and moved the rest into the spare room. Filled up 3 bin liners with dirty washing, found enough crockery/cutlery to open a small cafe.
Her reaction? "Oh, thanks mum"
3 weeks later, her room is back to normal.

I wasn't quite so bad with regards to the messy bedroom when I was her age too .

I was good with personal hygiene though.

It used to cause no end of arguments with my mum, in the end she got so fed up she went in one day whilst I was out, bagged up all the mess, into seperate bags , including my much loved possessions, very much like you've threatened to do.

I came home to the bare minimum in my bedroom, school clothes, underwear, one pair of jeans and a top , and my school work.

Mum told me that the following weekend , not to make any plans, and that all my items would be given back for 12 hours, if after that time they still weren't put away tidy then they would go to the tip. She opened all the bags onto the floor that weekend in a heap and left me to it.

It worked I put the bits away, did the washing and kept bedroom tidy after that.

When I was 14 I was the messiest sod in the world, then my mum flipped and this happened:

I had gone for tea at a friend's house a couple of streets away, and I received a phone call. It went like this:

Me: "Hello Mum, what's up?"
Mum: "Oh nothing, I am fine now, but you need to come home immediately!" Said in an calm and slightly scary voice.
Me: "What have I done?"
Mum: "Come home now!"

I raced all the way home, my heart beating ninety to the dozen to discover my fate. I had no idea what i could possibly have done to be in trouble but I still felt guilty. When I arrived home, Mum was still calm and she said "I was appalled by the state of your room today and so in a fit of anger I have thrown all the things that shouldn't be on the floor out of your bedroom window and you need to go into the garden and collect them. Now!"

I scuttled off into the garden to retrieve random items of makeup, magazines, soft toys, and most embarrassingly discarded items of dirty laundry. Most of the laundry (mainly pants to my shame and disgust) had already had a pre-wash cycle as my window was directly above the garden pond!

When I came back in and apologised for my room and the mess and assured Mum I would try harder in future, she accepted my apology and we continued our evening in peace. However when I went to bed that night I discovered that she hadn't finished my 'unusual' punishment. As I got into bed I squealed at a strange noise - Mum had filled my duvet cover with my discarded sweet wrappers! Needless to say they went in the bin (where they should have been in the first place) immediately.

YANBU OP

The not washing is absolutely typical of some teenage girls. I did anything I could to avoid washing my hair! We didn't have a shower attachment and it was hard work rinsing it out over the bath and a chore drying it. I know at least one of my friends used to go three weeks or more without having a bath. We weren't depressed, just bloody lazy, and I suppose we had no idea how bad we must have smelled. Maybe we really thought that the cheap perfume covered up the smell.

OP, people are bound to find it hard to believe that teenagers live like this, but they do. I did and my kids can be just the same. You've been the soul of patience with her, done all the reasonable stuff, but it's time to get tough with her for her own sake.

I think you need to talk to her, could you wash the clothes in the bin bag for her.

tell her in a nice way about needing to have a shower. she may be depressed.

My teenage dd's rooms are messy but they are always fussy about showers etc and putting dirty clothes in the wash.

They do very little in the house but it is such a battle that I have given up a bit.

Poor you, OP - it sounds horrendous! I think you have to follow through with what you've threatened now and I absolutely don't think it will do your DD any harm, although you may have to steel yourself for a big, fat screaming match.

The other thing you'll definitely need to do, since your DD helps herself to your and your Ds's things, is to put a stop to that by locking bedroom doors, if necessary. It's not fair on you or your DS.

I don't think this is typical, you know. My teenage DD has an immaculately keen and tidy bedroom, showers nightly, uses deodorant, and knows where the clothes basket is. Her nails are occasionally dirty, which brings on a hissy fit from me, but that's the extent of it.

I think your solution is right but you will have to work out what you do when she nicks other people's possessions. Also ban the eating of food upstairs.

My 2 teenager DDs went through exactly the same thing regarding their rooms. I agree it is the lack of respect for things which is really upsets.
We used to threaten the same as you OP, room tidyed or everything put in a bin bag.

DD1 was awful until she went to uni. First time I visited her flat I had primed myself not make any negative comments as soon as I walked in the door. Well it was like a blooming show home and even smelt lovely .

I would keep to your threat. Maybe remind her once, about what you will do if she hasn't tidyed and make it clear that you will do it.

I dont think that it´s typical either tbh.

Both my teenagers shower every day & any plates they take up are brought down.

Their rooms are messy, but not dirty.

There is no such thing as a typical teenager. Or somebody would have written the bloody manual and we wouldn't all be pulling out our hair.
The teenagers you get are the result of:-
your influences
outside influences
hormones/brain development
their own free will

The only thing that teenagers share is the fact that are all aged 13-19.

I'm so glad to have found this thread. My DD is also 14. She is pretty skanky, too. She doesn't have a shower every day, despite needing to. She will tell me that she has and goes and stands in the bathroom, but you can tell, can't you. she also does the sanitary towel still in the knickers thing. I've told her no more friends if her room isn't tidy, but that hasn't worked. When we've taken her stuff away she also just pinches things from the other family members. She's taken most of my socks, her bro's underwear (daren't tell him that, he'll go bonkers as he's borderline OCD clean, always has been. He's 16).

I, too, am at my wits' end. Don't know what to do. don't give her pocket money as we can't afford to. She does a paper found every day. She's got friends that she keeps in contact with on FB and mobile. It's her mobile, so I can't take that away. She's paid for it and for the contract.

I still have a black sack in the garage that we took away from her when she was 10 with all her favourite toys in. Made no difference. She is so stubborn she won't admit it. We've tidied up her room numerous times. It just gets back into the same state after about 2 days. the dirty washing basket is just outside her bedroom door. She changed bedrooms with DS1 as she thought his looked lovely (it did). what she didn't realise is that it looked so good because he always takes good care of all his stuff and keeps his room super-tidy.

Please come back and let me know how you've got on, OP.

For those of you who say you've either got teens that have never done this, well all I can say is, lucky you. I've two other teens who are clean.

I don't think she's particularly depressed, she just can't be bothered. She's doing very well at school, they say she's organised which I found hard to believe. Perhaps she just feels she can do what she wants here. It's very hard to keep an eye on exactly what she does. She can be very sneaky and take food upstairs without me knowing. What am I meant to do - keep a lock on the kitchen door?

Sorry, OP, for thread hijack. I've just found this pretty cathartic, writing all this down and realising she's not the only DD like this. And despite all the above, I do love her to bits. It's really just this one big elephant in the room as every time we try to tackle "your R...." it turns into one big stropfest/slanging match.

Applaudes purepurple

if she wont get in the bath, next time shes on her PC/laptop in her room, walk in and put some shampoo on her hair. it worked with my DS. he sat for an hour with a blob on his hair then decided he really needed a shower. i have told him he stinks in the past and remind him now when he is a bit pongy. i take his tv out of his room if he doesnt tidy it when told. he manages 2 days without the tv, then his room is usually tidy enough to get it back.
it didnt matter to his mates that it was a mess. they simply walked over the mess just like son did. they didnt care that his room stunk either. i bought a battery powered air freshner for him and let him choose the fragrance. window is opened daily now. also, if he doesnt go out the house during the day (holidays) he has to come off the pc early. today he has done one load of washing that he found in his room and has hung it on the line

I do think its a bit of a cop out saying oh 'typical filthy teenagers' you are the Mams and it is up to you to set the standards for your home and children. The trouble is you don't start them off early enough, from when they were tiny mine 'helped Mam' by dusting or rather half dusting as I changed the beds ect ect. Now its just part of their nature to clean and tidy as they go.

I honestly think half the bairns described on here must think they are actually doing you a favour even speaking to you the hired help. It is pathetic way to live.

I think it's rather harmless to bag up stuff in the loft/ garage. Give a bag back each time she cleans the room.

Really don't see the issue.

But then I have a teen not talking to me because I'm not buying her make-up she needs until she starts washing her hair.

Beesimo every teenager is different, some go through this phase, some don't.

My DDs were/are very messy teenagers however, they have worked hard at school/college, never been in any trouble, respect their parents and enjoy doing things as a family, have lovely friends and don't smoke/do drugs. They also help around the house every day and both have little jobs.

You have to look at the bigger picture, teenagers are going through huge changes physically and mentally. A messy bedroom, in the whole scheme of things is not the end of the world.

Oh well thank you for that Bees, there will never be another teen problem post on here from now on

The thing is, both DD and DS did help when they were younger and used to fight over who got to do the hoovering. They loved helping out with the housework. DD (vv stroppy and argumentative) is tidy and clean and is no problem in that department at all. DS however (affable and no attitude problem at all) stinks to high heaven, thinks that a tidy room is one with the curtains closed and the lights off so you cant see the mess and half a can of body spray around the place in the mistaken belief it gets rid of the smell. It doesnt, btw.

The younger three happily help with housework and who knows which side of the fence they will fall. But accusing parents of lazy teenagers of being bad parents is frankly shitty and makes those parents feel worse than they already do. Enjoy your smugness Bees, but beware that pride comes before a fall.

'I do think its a bit of a cop out saying oh 'typical filthy teenagers' you are the Mams and it is up to you to set the standards for your home and children. The trouble is you don't start them off early enough, from when they were tiny mine 'helped Mam' by dusting or rather half dusting as I changed the beds ect ect. Now its just part of their nature to clean and tidy as they go.'

I agree, it's a bit late to start training them when they're grown. Better start when they are small and then they grow up with those expectations of how things should be. Laundry baskets, hoovering, washing up and personal cleanliness.

I have done the black bag thing, and I've never made a threat I've not carried out, however.

Messy is different to foul though. Untidy with possessions and clothing is something I'm not too fussed about.
Rotting food, rancid clothing and stinking bodies affect us all and the house we all live in and that's not OK.

Bees and Goblin What about all those lovely delightful helpful pre teenagers who suddenly turn into grunting, moody, door slammers? They don't do it because they haven't been brought up properly. They do it because they are going through enormous hormonal changes.

YANBU - I've already got the seedlings of this with my 8yr old own DD

she's not content with keeping her mess in her bedroom either

After various warning, pleadings watching "young Dumb & living off Mum" etc etc - I've now taken to bagging up whatever she leaves lying around & dumping it in her bed & making her go up to bed early to sort it all out - so far its working like a dream, her room is now spotless & she puts away after herself

still working on the personal cleanliness bit though - she's very fashion conscious, loves clothes, spends ages on her hair etc - but will forget to wash & change dirty clothes for clean if not nagged & nagged at

My sister never had issues with hygiene - almost the opposite really, she'd use about a can of Bodymist a day (I imagine, that's how powerful it was!) and had to wash her hair daily to maintain her Princess Di fringe flick. But there was never a clean towel available for anyone else because they would go to her room and stay there, damp, layered on the floor. And then be retrieved sometime later, covered in mould - rather like the mugs of cold tea.

But she surpassed herself with the maggots. She came running into my room screeching and said she had "things" on her floor - turns out that my Dad had brought her up a chicken leg to eat a while previously while she wasn't very well, she'd not bothered and had just shoved it under her bed (along with everything else). I'm not quite sure what had motivated her to move the layer of damp towels, but when she did, there was another layer of wriggling maggots underneath.

I had to hoover them up. (I loathe maggots).
She did improve a little after that, at least as far as the foodstuffs were concerned - it took a bit longer before she stopped hogging the bath towels.

I know that doesn't help you much but I just wanted to share that teenagers are all sorts of disgusting.