AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

The massive hormone surge my DS went through was actually beneficial and helped sort out a lot of different problems. DD has never been a mainstream girlie either, so no flouncy bitching or nastiness to her friends and family.
As I couldn't run an objective study on it, I have no idea whether that's genetics or parenting.
I do know that I'm appalled by how some of the primary age group talk to and behave around their parents, and the parents responses. It only seems to get worse when they are teens with more freedom and fewer manners.
Parenting is very hard for anyone, the payback seems to be when you are a grandparent and can watch them struggling along.

I was like this at 14. It lasted until I was 15 to 16. What broke it for me was other people telling me I stank. I would take a shower every 10 days, never cleaned my room, I didn't notice the stink in there. I think my mother would actually hoover for me, and throw out rubbish etc. Then she took away my make-up etc. but it didn't work.
Social awareness, going out, was what did it for me. I had to start shaving my legs, underarms, etc. so needed to take a shower. Of course, then I monopolised the bathroom for around an hour a day

Oh my goodness she sounds EXACTLY like my 14 YO DD!!!!!
Mine shares with her sister which annoys DD2 as she is fairly tidy!!

YANBU

I often takes DDs priveledges away if she is behaving really badly. Have taken straighteners as well as that affects her the most along with internet access. I provided them; why should she have these things if she treats everything like crap and is rude? An employer etc. wouldn't accept it. I also tell her off if she leaves soiled pads around etc. Certain things are unacceptable and they need to learn. However, they are teenagers, i was horrible and selfish etc. but grew out of it so that should give us some hope!!

I don't allow food that makes a mess upstairs unless she is having a sleepover etc. Plates have to come straight down the day after at the latest. I make sure they change their beds the day i give them the new sheets. They do laze about unless i encourage them to do it...

I accept a certain amount of mess but not grimness. Dirty knickers in the hall get thrown back in their room. Every now and then they have to do a big clean up and I go in with bin bags to encourage them. They are usually glad when it is done.

As for the hygene I think you just have to wait till she grows out of that. Seems common in that age. But i do make my DD have a shower or bath at least every 2-3 days especially the time of the month. Luckily she does it when her hair gets greasy which is about every 2-3 days.

I don't bother ironing her clothes much as she just screws them all up.
Good luck!!

I didn't mean to be smug or nasty with anyone but the fact is I don't see 'teenagers' as being seperate from anyone else in this house.

We all contribute according to our abilities to the comfort, wealth and wellbeing of this family nobody gets or will ever get a free ride, because you know what the world is a hard tough place and you have to learn to work your corner. I don't want a pack of upstarts, they work for their cars and the Pandora bracelets ect ect nothing is handed to them on a plate.

I don't care if your tired or grumpy or 'hormonal' you will do your bit because it is the only fair way to be.

I do get a bit sick of being called 'lucky' when what we have now not just canny bairns but the rest of it is due to years and years of hard work and effort. In all kinds of ways.

beesimo. I'm with you have dd 0f 29 ds of 26 and dg from 10yrs to 14 months. Think teenagers might have grown up bodies but when did they learn how to do housework? the first plate that goes up has to come down and the same with dirty clothes. if they have so many that there is a bag in the corner of dirty washing surly they should be helped and encouraged to de clutter. There is so much pressure on a 14 yr old to be popular and good at school work perhaps the housework is too much? don't we all need a hand and looking after? The best way is to get along side, help, keep talking don't judge, give her a break, you may not find out for 10 or 15 years or ever what else is going on but I think its good to err on the side of helping rather than being responsible for adding more crap to her life. Just beceause one way works with one child doesn't mean its the only way. Just to let you know when dd was 17 she left home rather than tidy her room!! stayed at a mates for 2 nights!!! we did it together when she came home. Parenting isn't easy but you do get out what you put in.

hyjack away judgejudy we are in this together

You're right beesimo its not typical teenage behaviour but it is my teenagers behaviour and it sounds like she is not as unique as I thorght. But there are a whole host of things that are not typical teenage behaviours but that does'nt mean they dont happen.

I could have been here saying my DD is sleeping around or she's addicted to pot. There are hundreds of things happening to teenagers that we as parents have to deal with.

If you met my DD you would not go away thinking what a discusting creature, she must have been dragged up, because thats not the case. So I am sorry that I didnt instill the importance of a mop and bucket when she was a 4 year old, I taught her to respect things and people and all in all she is a well rounded and very mature young lady. She has represented her school on many occasions. She has high morals about what is right and how people should be treated equally. She will stand up for anybody even if she doesnt like them if people are being nasty.

The scruffyness is her biggest floor, so all in all I dont think I have been a total fuck up.

voldemort....you sound a lovely caring mum!! beesimo describes her own childrens rooms as their 'quarters' so dont worry!!!

I was that kind of teen, too, smells of BO & rank room didn't bother me at all (I still have a poor sense of smell). I'm taking notes as DD (9) can already be like this (sigh). Though Very organised girl in many other respects.

I'm minded to say yanbu, though I think I'd leave her with straighteners, Ipod and most books. Don't replace anything expensive that she breaks. Clear the room out & see if you can cull anything else she won't miss. Mostly pack away the clothes. And come up with some scheme to keep her out of other people's pants' drawers.

Tiffany

Quarters is another word for 'private space' now the oldest three are the age they are I don't enter without invitation, quarters is the next step up from bedrooms on a farm. It might mean a cottage or a set of rooms or part of the house that is for their sole use. Just like mine and DHs bedroom are Our quarters.

Generations have lived together in this house and it is only fair to respect privacy.

Young ones have bedrooms teens upward have THEIR quarters

Well, I think you may have given yourself a way in there, Voldemort. If your DD places high value on maturity, fairness and equal treatment, then can you not talk to her on that level (maybe as a family?).

After all, you are all members of the family and all deserve fair treatment, to have personal and communal belongings respected and your house not turned into a battleground or junkyard.

Respect for yourself, for your things, and for other people's boundaries is a sign of maturity.

Bogeyface - having read the towels conversation with your dd that you reported, I am now convinced that your dd and my ds3 are twins who were separated at birth. And perhaps you and I are too - because I am equally unreasonable in the demands I make of ds3 - we have had some epic meltdowns here over my cruelty (I make them tidy their rooms and do their homework, and even do the occasional chore around the house).

Beesimo - the impression that you are giving is that you think the rest of us have failed as parents, made rods for our own backs and are just getting what we deserve when our teenagers are not perfect like yours. You seem utterly incapable of understanding or admitting that all teenagers - and indeed all families - are different. I have three teenagers, and despite the fact that they have all been brought up the same way, they are all very different characters. For example, ds2 was terrible on the hygiene front for ages - I well remember reeling backwards from the blast of BO as he flung his arms wide to hug me, whereas ds3 has never had that particular issue (and ds2 is now far less of a soap-dodger, and is generally pleasant and fragrant), however ds3 has real problems controlling his temper, and has meltdowns far, far worse than either of the other two ever had.

I do also know a girl, the same age as ds2, who has had similar issues with hygiene as your dd, VoldemortsNipple - but she is getting better now - when we saw them last summer there was no sign of BO, though she was still very resistant to the idea of washing her hair. The state of the bedroom - and the 'borrowing' of and lack of respect for other people's possessions - does sound like a lot of teenagers I know, including the ones I gave birth to.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to carry out the threat you have made - I would suggest thinking of ways she can earn back her possessions, though - starting with the hair straighteners (if she always straightens her hair, she clearly values these). Perhaps she will have to shower daily for a month to earn them back. I would also suggest that she has to wash, dry and iron all the dirty clothes from her bedroom floor in order to earn back both them and other possessions.

I would also be tempted to put her hair straighteners and some other precious possessions at the bottom of a big box of rubbish and rotten pot noodle pots from her floor, so she has to delve through it to get them back. Maybe that will bring home to her how disgusting her living conditions are.

Unbelievable levels of smugness on this thread!

Voldemort - you sound utterly cool.

How many black bags have you got in for the job?

I don't think you need to pretend you are doing it for any reason other than you told her that you would because her room is filthy (not just untidy, but filthy) and she hasn't done anything about it.

I seem to remember another thread recently on this exact same subject - can't remember who the op was, maybe soupdragon? - it would be interesting to know the outcome of that one.

Will go search ...

"if you met my DD you would not go away thinking what a disgusting creature, she must have been dragged up"

It's not black and white though is is? I struggle with the fact that my standards are not the same as my DS1s. I dislike the way he keeps his room, but I do not label him a disgrace, nor do I blame myself, and as you say Voldemort, I'd be upset if anyone else appeared to be blaming me.

BUT it is possible to separate the behaviour from the child and to expect some level of compromise, which is what you aren't getting, from you in-all-other-ways lovely child, as Tolalola says.

Sorry - whole post above was a bit obvious. Am working some of this out in my head as I go along (these pre-teen issues are arising for me ATM - as it become apparent DS1 and I see things very differently)

OP hope you don't feel a total f.u. You don't sound one to me!! Just you asked for advice and perhaps someones advice that teaching them to clean up from young age may help someone. Again I know its not easy me and dd (now 29) could have murdered each other at times but help and supporting is ALWAYS better than threats and nagging. would that work for and adult? As parent it is up to us to guide and help our children whatever age they are. I beleive it is always up to parent to go the extra mile and lead by example if things seem to much for our dcs they probably are ,would you /we threaten a toddler who couldn't tie a shoe lace. same applies if dc are finding it hard growing up (and part of that is biological)they need praise and encouragment however many times they fail. All the fantastic things you said about dd make me think shes not bad - just struggling with all lifes changes expected of her. she knows what you've taught her just a bit much to take in with everything else going on, and as she grows she will be able to pull it all together. would find it hard not to carry out threats now they are made!! but would perhaps offer first olive branch to put things right after, maybe how it made you sad to do it so could you help put the room right together?xxxxxxxxx

i would give her a warning expalin to her she has 24 hours so get it sorted your or you will then go in with no more warning bag it all up and bin it,

did this to my son when he was 8 never had a issue with tidying his room again he is now a neat freak.

and to be honest if my lo smelt and he refused to wash wich he would dare because i have taught lo better i would frog march lo to the bathroom and give lo a wash like a baby

dandylion.....its the whole smugness!thats what

You know how on here people (grown ups) say that their house is so messy that they don't know where to start and put off doing it? Well I think that for kids it gets to the same point with messy rooms.

I'd sort her room out for her, maybe take away some stuff 'to make a point' and TBH I'd take over the washing of her clothes again.

OP
Do it.
All the clothes washed and put away in a suitcase till she actually asks for a specific item.
All the 'stuff' in a bin bag in the boot of your car until specifically requested.
You will be AMAZED how long it will take her to miss a lot of things.
A messy room is a sign of too much stuff such that it is not valued.
Bring value back both of her stuff and yours.

And DEMAND the right to hoover weekly if you cannot safely walk across the floor with eyes shut. She'll keep it tidy.

Do it.

My mom and I had pitched battles over my room and I wish she'd stuck with it, because it's only now at almost 29 that I'm learning to be tidy! :) I think as long as you don't expect her room to be spotless, it's fine. A minimum of tidiness is not expecting too much!

I feel for OP - I have had this very same problem up until 2 months ago - DD is now 19...

I have found out that it WAS the beginnings of real depression, what I thought was laziness was inertia because DD was Ill.

All I can suggest is that you follow through with your threat (to some degree) try to put some positive spin on your actions and give her achievable goals for regaining her stuff... as someone said - if it's too drastic your DD will just pinch what she's missing from yours and your DS's bedrooms.

Once you've done it, try to be emotionally available to your DD. Give her the opportunity to find something funny about it if at all possible - it could defuse fireworks.

Teenagers are tricky - I think I was very tricky!! It's easy to get so angry inside about them that we forget that all they really want is our love and approval.

Good Luck - Keep reminding her that you're really serious, offer support for her doing her room over the evening - but not physical help.... well, not until she's done the lions share!!

OP ... my DS (13) is like this.

He has been unhappy --- a couple of years ago, and we had social services, camhs, a mentor; at the time he had a tidyish bedroom and was fairly keen on personal hygiene.. He was being severely bullied and was suicidal.

He has now just bounced of his pig sty of a room,.......... with rubbish all over the floor, clothes everywhere, his bed is unmade and the floor is barely visible, I bribed him to have a shower yesterday but he 'forgot the soap and washing hair bit', sometimes he stinks if I don't nag him, getting him to brush his teeth makes me feel like I have won the nobel prize!....... he was followed out by four mates and is happy (as a teenager can be), confident, he has regular 'girlfriends' and is now popular and in private very very loving.

My brother was the same and he is now an anal, slightly OCD control freak.

YANBU OP to go ahead with your course of action, respect for things has to be gained to a degree, but it isn't the end of the world as some people seem to be expressing. I understand your frustration, but it is just a room, and she sounds like a smart kid overall.