AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

Are we as parent's supposed to be teaching/guiding our children to becoming responsible adults? If we allow them to live in a shit-tip under our roofs, aren't we telling them this is ok?

I was very messy as a teenager, although not that bad. My mum finally had enough, cleaned my room, took my bed and clothes out of it and stuck in my little brother's room and locked the door to mine. I had to live in my little brother's room for a whole year! It was hell but it certainly worked. I think it's fair enough that if you can't handle it, then you don't deserve the privilege of having your own room.

i can honestly say that i don't think it will help]]it will cause a big row and you will both be miserable.

i suggest takng a cup of tea and a book or magazine and sitting on her bed whilst she does it.

I think some of you have a very cruel streak and I wouldn't leave you in charge of a chicken let alone a bairn.

The child is unhappy, no living creature lives in its own dirt unless it is distressed.

Does she perhaps think so little of herself that she feels she deserves to be dirty and smelly and live in a midden?

I think there is a lot more going on here that we have not been told

Absolute rubbish. My sisters room at her mums is spotless, whereas the one at my dads looks like a public toilet. She is more than happy to spend time there. She is responsible for both rooms. Tell me she is depressed!

Sounds like a normal teen, and you sound like a sensible mother. My 17 yo daughter is supposed to wash her own sheets (her only chore). She has lasted since last October. I have cracked twice (once in December and once in March) and washed them. She hasn't shown any interest......it is not as if I have even asked her to IRON them! Somehow, she doesn't smell.

squeakytoy you would let a child for whom you are responsible sleep without sheets!!!! First, it's a lot more hassle then having to wash an underblanket than sheets (and if you don't have an underblanket then will you buy a new mattress every week?????) and secondly, you give stepmothers a bad name. Sorry, but you would not do that to anyone you loved.

OP, your idea of reducing the number of DD's possessions temporarily until she shows she can cope is a good one: if she currently brings down clothes she actually proposes to wear in the next day or two then this could work well and you can return stuff steadily. Washing will happen soon (with boyfriends) but in the meantime what about her joining a gym, or taking up running to encourage the post exercise shower at least (EVERYONE washes after a run, even teens)? Or how about running that bath and lighting candles and putting on mood music and getting her into the habit of a bath post school.....(I am an indulgent mother).

I was quite tidy as a teenager and absolutely hopeless now. I have got bored of tidying but then I have been doing it for years and years and years. To her its a new experience - she should learn to be embracing it!

OP, you could have been my mum! I was awful for living in a dump, dirty plates, mouldy food, dirty clothes, refusing to shower... I would actually go into the bathroom, run the shower, stick my leg in every now and then to make the sound vary and get the soap and a towell damp or effect!

Now I am a borderline clean-freak!

What did it for me was my mum saying my friends were only allowed in my room, and I suddenly became ashamed of the mess. It did take a few years but I got there in the end.

By the way, I was not depressed, distressed or unhappy. I was just a skanky, lazy teenager!

LilQueenie, she has enough self-respect to sort out her clothes when she needs to, spend time putting on make-up and straightening her hair. She is a teenager and she just hasn't learned to take responsibility for herself independently beyond that. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

How could I have forgotten Childline, Bogeyface.

i used to live with someone like this, it wasn't so much the mess as the lack of respect for their own/other people's belongings that got to me, really infuriating. saying that, i would definitely look into getting her checked out for depression.

when i was a teenager my room could get messy, though not to this extent, and my mum would go in there the day before the bin men came. everything that was on the floor was put into carrier bags, clothes included, and anything that hadn't been sorted out was threatened with going out on the kerb with the bins. worked like a charm every time! i knew she bloody would if i hadn't done it!

you have go to go through with it now. but you must let her earn her things back from you, possibly by washing the clothes..

Thanks everyone.

I didnt expect so many replies so quickly. If I put this in teenagers Id of had about 3 replies.

Firstly, DD is popular, friendly and has shit loads of confidence. Im sure she probably been told she stinks by people in school but she probably just retorts with a critisisim (sp) back.

I have racked my brains wondering why she is like this, if there is a problem she is not telling me. But I honestly think that its just not high up on her priorities list and also she hasnt got very good organisation skills.

Believe me I have tried every approach I can with her regarding speaking to her. Ive tried the nice talk, the yelling and even being down right blunt. Ive bought all kinds of nice smellies and did mum and daughter girly nights. Nothing seems to work.

Im I a bad parent for failing my daughter this way? Maybe I am. Believe me Ive asked myself that question. Ive even asked DD if she thinks Im a bad parent. She has seen me cry openly in front of her when Ive been so stressed by the situation.

Bogeyface and others, thank you for making me feel less on my own with this.

DD doesnt go out with her friends much as they do most of their socialising on FB. She doesnt get regular pocket money but on the rare occations she goes out we give her money then. Its not very often, maybe once a month so it wouldnt make an impact on her much.

DH takes the approach of being down right nasty. It doesnt work and it doesnt make anybody feel better.

You're not a bad parent AT all. You're just the parent of a skanky teen. My 18 year old lad is now lovely and clean and will be in the shower for an hour , but my 12 year old boys will just spray massive amounts of Lynx, causing me to choke. DD (also 12) is clean up to now, but her bedroom isn't.

Take heart OP, my DS was like this in his early teens........now aged 18 I actually think hes OCD, not just about showering and deodorant etc, but his room. Its all very tidy and neat, he washes his own sheets and clothes, the clothes thing started years ago because he didnt trust us to remember not to tumble dry his football tops as the motifs come off when you do that.

VM, if it helps, I have just asked DD to take 3 towels up to the bathroom with her as she was going up to her room anyway which is next to the bathroom.

DD "Oh for GODS SAKE!"

Me "Its only a couple of towels and you are going that way anyway"

DD "I have to do EVERYTHING around here, no one else ever does anything"

Me "Just take the towels please"

argue argue argue

DD "I HATE YOU, I HATE LIVING HERE, YOU TREAT ME LIKE A SLAVE!! [stamps upstairs, throws towels into bathroom, slams all doors on the way and screams (literally) when she gets into her room]]"

10 minutes later

"X wants to go out, can I have some money?"

Me "Not after that little display no!"

MELTDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gawd OP - no way do I think you are a bad mother. Must say I'm a bit surprised how such skankiness is deemed within the normal range for teens. Looking forward to it!

Custardo - though he isn't a teen, that approach - sitting with him chatting while he tidies - does work with DS1. I think he just finds it overwhelming/boring etc to do it all alone.

OP - re the organisational skills - maybe that's why Custardo's approach might work the first few times. You gently give her a prod along the way while you are sitting with her - to help her decide what order to do it in and break it down into smaller bits with her.

Voldemort I think you have to do what you threatened and strip her room if she doesn't sort it out today.

My mum did this to me when I was about 11 or 12 and it made me take her seriously. It also made me appreciate items like my hairdryer etc.

My mum made me sleep on a bare mattress and I think that is probably taking it too far but what your propose doesn't sound too grim. It is as much as some 14 year olds have anyway.

I did a similar thing to my dd (now 10, then 9) in November. Anything that was not where it should have been was put into a black bag. Every day her room was tidy she got an item back.

Her room was tidy from November until the Easter holidays without any nagging from me. It got untidy in the holidays as she had lots of friends to stay. She spent an hour or so yesterday tidying it without even being asked and now feels calmer and sleeps better if it is tidy.

FWIW, those who think this is cruel and cold, my dd and I have a very close relationship and she knows that I didn't do it to be horrid but to show her how lucky she is.

My mother regularly threatened to black sack my room when I was that age (and I was a similar degree of slob)... the one time she carried out the threat - black bagged my stuff and left it in the garden (so cunningly engineered to be incredibly easy for me to dramatically "rescue") was the one time I learned and tidied up... well organized the mess a bit better.

Bogeyface I have a 12yo boy. They are no different.

Hmmm. Lots of this sounds like typical teenager behaviour, but not the refusing to wash. That's concerning because 14 year old girls are generally constantly in the shower. Is the not washing symptomatic of a bigger problem?

If it wasn't for the not washing I would say she sounds like a typical teenage nightmare and you're doing the right thing.

Have you asked her why she doesn't wash?

Hell yeah I'd do it.

I probably wouldn't waste my time taking everything, just the biggies- lappy, ipod, straighteners and make up.

I'm only 26 so being a teenager isn't a really long time ago for me but seems its vastly different these days. To the OP, do you give your daughter pocket money every week despite her behaviour? Teenagers these days seem to have so many luxuries, my parents would have really struggled to give us ipods, laptops etc.

A few people I know who have older kids draw up a kind of contract with their kids which may be a good idea with your DD. A friend who was having problems with his son spending too much time on his xbox - so he drew up a contract saying his son had to spend as many hours doing schoolwork as what he spent on his xbox and he had to complete the schoolwork first. So you say, if you shower daily, keep room mostly clean and tidy, make sure all dirty laundry is done weekly, respect others property - DD can have weekly pocket money, so many hrs of internet access, keep luxuries such as ipod, laptop and straighteners. Make sure both parties sign it and stick to it, print it and tape it up on the wall so its visible. Its dignified and theres no confusion or repeating yourself constantly. If she doesn't do something, take away one of her luxuries, I think lack of internet would massively inconvenience most teenagers these days.

Definitely not a bad parent, teenagers can be manky! My DS is 12 and thankfully is a clean freak as far as his personal hygiene is concerned, but his room would be a total sty without nagging from me. It's currently still decorated with the rocket theme he wanted when he was 5 because I refuse to spend money on updating it until he can keep it halfway presentable.

As for serving food in a dog's bowl...Fabbychic, you've spouted some shite but even for you that's ridiculous.