AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

Good morning everybody.

Here's an update.

Friday, DS1 began giving his room a good clear out and asked for a bit of help moving furniture. DS2 tried to help but tends to get side lined playing with bits of lego he is supposed to be sorting out. Both have been given routines to keep to. DD made many demands for her things but refused to talk rationally to me. She did however have a shower and then asked for the straighteners. So small progress was made.

Saturday, I poped out to the shops and left DD with DH. While I was out she found all her clean washing and shoved it in her drawers. She thorght she was all smug dressed in clothes I hadnt returned. She was still refusing to talk to me about her room and was still demanding her laptop back but not to the same extent. I chose to ignore her taking her clothes back rather than making a scene.

Sunday, DD took DSs to the shops. When she went I quickly removed all her clothes again. She had mainly put her dirty clothes in a small pile but she had put a few in with the clean clothes. I also found sweet papers and bottles shoved in her drawers again and under her pillow. So although on first inspection it looked tidy, she was back to her old tricks.

I took all the rubbish and put in on the floor in her room and the same with dirty clothes that were not in the pile. When she came back from the shops she was willing to talk to me. I promised I wasnt going to just moan at her and had a very calm conversation, well it was mainly still me doing all the talking but I think I got through to her. We went back over the rules/responsibilities and I explained why I felt I had to enforce them. Afterwards she picked up the rubbish and put it in the bin.

I think we still have a long way to go but I feel as long as I dont back down now, I will have made small progress. Today is the first day I can return some of her items. She is still causing fights with her brothers but this is mainly because she is so board. I have to stop myself from making threats to withold items for other behaviour because that wouldnt be fair.

Oooh! Just logged on and was wondering how it was going, Voldy.

You have done brilliantly to stay so calm, particularly after she took all her clothes back, and she is an absolute minx to be stuffing sweet wrappers and rubbish into drawers again, after all the cleaning and tidying that you did.

Did your DH not realise what she was doing when she found all her clothes and took them back? Could he have intervened to stop her? It does all seem to still be falling on your shoulders.

A few thoughts: Is there a laundry basket in her room or near her room? Does she have a bin actually in her room? Would either of those help? And then when her next period turns up, does she have clear instructions on how to dispose of the STs? Can she do so discreetly, without the rest of the family knowing that she has her period, if that is something that embarrasses her?

Anyway, it does sound as though you are getting through, but there is no doubt that "zero tolerance" is the way forward here. Well done! [cgrin]

Hi Waltons,

DH said he was watching tv didnt know she took them back hmm But to be honest, he doesnt do "calm" very well, so he better off in the back seat showing support than intervening or it will all likely go tits up.

I dont really want to put a laundry basket in her room or she will never bring it down and it will be left up to me to go fetch it. Better for her to bring clothes down to the basket I think. A small waste paper bin would be useful though.

STs are in the bathroom with a new supply of doggy poop bags for disposing them discreatly. She has been warned.

Thanks for the update, it sounds like it's going well.

You are doing well :)

She definitely needs a bin in her room - it's probably been quite a contributing factor in her not throwing rubbish away if she has to trek it to the kitchen bin.

I would also put a dirty laundry basket (something nice looking) in her room - but tell her if she wants things washed she has to put the laundry in the laundry room. End of.

Hopefully all of this with DD will mean you don't go down the same route with the DS's!!

As for not returning stuff for other 'bad behaviour' - there's no real reason not to do this, it's no different to taking things off of them for 'bad behaviour'

You're doing well - hang in there!

Just popped in to see how you are doing Voldy and I am impressed! You are right not to go backwards again, stick to it, or it will be even harder next time. I agree with Maryz about the laundry basket. Each of out family has one in their rooms and whoever is in charge of laundry that day just collects everythng from each room. Nothing gets stored in the 'floordrobe' In theory anyway.

We are all cheering from the sidelines :)

Are you there, Voldy... what's the latest?

inspiring thread

I hope Voldy comes back soon - if not we may have to go and do a search in her garden in case DD has locked her out again!

Yeah Voldy! Do come back and tell us how things are ( or has your DD confiscated your computer?)!

well hows it going ?

I think that a small amount of progress is actually more promising than a huge change of behaviour/attitude, because it is easier to keep up small, incremental improvements.

Voldy - I think you are handling this very well indeed, and I hope that things carry on improving.

On a related note, ds3 has been working on clearing out his room, and has removed at least 2 black sacks full of rubbish. He's been jamming sweet wrappers down the side of his bed for months, it would seem. His room is not perfect by a long chalk, but it is much, much better than it was before.

Bins in bedrooms are a must. It's a lot less effort to empty a bin than to remove crisp and sweet packets from under their beds. Also a lot easier for them to throw it in the bin rather than have to traipse up and down the stairs with their rubbish.

My laundry basket is in the bathroom so easy access for everyone. I just carry it downstairs when I'm doing a wash and then take it back up when I'm next going that way.

Trouble is that punishments just make them feel resentful at that age. They need to WANT to keep tidy and clean and that's much more difficult to achieve. I suspect if you tell her that she smells then she will be aware that other people can smell her too. Also you could make some mice droppings out of brown plasticine and pretend that you found them in her room. Also pick tiny holes in one of their favourite items of clothes you find on the floor and blame it on moths. That might just work too.

I agree with StayingDavidTennantsGirl and rhubarb0 ! :o

You seem like a fantastic mother! :)

Rhubarb - ds3 has a bin in his bedroom - but I can only imagine that his bedroom is the biggest bedroom in the world - because he can't walk across it to put a sweet wrapper in the bin!

Fab idea, and one I may try on my 14yr old, messy room daughter

Just wanted to wish you luck with your DD. I started reading this at 2:30am during a period of insomnia, and honestly thought I was dreaming as you were talking about my DD. I have the sort though that you can't get out of the shower (turning the hot water on doesn't interrupt hot water supply to shower unfortunately, so I must admit, resorting, more than once, to yelling through the bathroom door 'Think of the polar bears!' which does actually work for her)

My DD is capable of cleaning/tidying her room, as she proves to me when she wants something badly enough, though within a day, or even hours, it is back to an absolute tip. I seriously don't know how she does it.

Although I was awake for many hours due to this thread, I haven't yet managed to read the whole lot, as after I read the bit about FB, it got me thinking. DD has just recently got her FB privileges back after being banned (by me) for over a year due to inappropriate and dangerous usage of FB & MSN (a thread in itself). I've put in place strict rules, the main ones being that she only FB from home computer, not her iPod, and that I have access to it and can check whenever I feel the need. This thread reminded me she hadn't asked for access to the home computer for a couple of days, so I thought I'd better make sure she hadn't broken the rules. Suffice to say she had broken the rules, and not just one. I'm so disappointed, as I really thought she'd had learnt her lesson :(
It may have already been mentioned, but do you access your DD's FB at all? If not, at 14, I'd recommend it.

There are some absolute pearls of wisdom on here though, and I look forward to reading the rest of the thread. It really helps to know I am far from alone in this.

FWIW, I have another teenage DD (16) who is absolutely not like this. She can, on occasion, let her room get messy, though cleans it of her own accord and respects all of her belongings, so don't, whatever you do, blame yourself. Again, good luck, stay strong, and keep us posted.

Hi everybody, ready for an update!

After not backing down with the no shower, no straighteners rule on Thursday, DD was up bright and early on Friday to get in the shower. She didn't have a shower Tuesday night or Wednesday night, but she has generally been much cleaner and fresher. She must have thought her hair was straight enough on Wednesday because she didn't even ask.

I am doing much nagging over the bedroom still, but clothes are being brought down to be washed at least every other day. I havn't had chance to pick up a waste paper bin yet so Ive asked her to put rubbish in a carrier bag so its easier to dispose of.

We had a big explosion last night over her laptop, which she still hasn't had back. DD told me that she had done revision but took the notes to school and left them in her locker. I don't believe for one minute that this is true and told her I need proof that she has done the work. We had a big tantrum, with her telling me that she'd kept to her side of the bargain and I hadn't.

The sibling rivalry on the other hand is driving me to distraction. All three bounce of each other, taking turns at winding the other up. I spend more time being referee than anything else. This is where I'm not so calm. I just seem to go round in circles banging my head against a brick wall.

Keep strong, you are doing well and are an inspiration to us all

Think many young teens go through the refusing to shower stage. What can be particularly effective is if someone other than mum and dad has a quiet word with them.

In my case my grandfather said "Bumps, you really do need to have a shower more often now you are growing up you know!" I was mortified and from then on have had daily showers!

My mother had been saying the same thing for weeks before to no effect ....

Ready for an update?? We were getting ready to send a rescue team in!!

Well, it's improving if not great. I would actually change the straightners/shower rule as she doesn't appear to need the straightners every day. Tell her she needs to shower daily. I would tell her that she can't have the straightners unless she has showered everyday for the previous three days, or I can see her only showering 2-3 times a week so she can have the straightners!

Why are you nagging over the bedroom? You need to stop that. You have rules. If she can't follow them, take her stuff away again or stop other priviledges. The plan here is for her to start to respect the rules you have in your home and she isn't - she's just making you nag nag nag... don't let it carry on.

Well done on the study/laptop situation. Stay strong.

Why are you playing at ref? Rules & consequences. Set the first, stick to the second - for all of them. They'll soon learn it's not worth breaking the rules :)

Sending you coffee & cake x

chipping in and maryzIve bought plenty of tea and posh biscuits ready for the rescue squad.

Ive added make up to the straighteners/shower rule. She wont go out without doing her make up. I must admit, she is smelling and looking much cleaner. Im not about to slack off just yet but things on the hygiene front are looking good. She came on her period yesterday and I have put a load of poop bags next to the STs so she can dispose of them nicely. I will check her drawers with trepidation though.

maryz did it really calm down after a week? Ive tried equal opportunity punishment in the past. They just go upstairs and carry on. I defiantly need to get tough with them. I know the reason I can keep calm with DD is because I feel in control of the situation, so I suppose if we have a similar set of rules to behavior, it makes sense that it would work. I will get my thinking hat on to what are the major contributors and work on a plan.

According to DD she had no homework, which is probably true as they have been in the process of moving to a new building in school, but she point blank refused to revise until yesterday.

Tea & biscuits... I'm on my way!!!

Well done re the make-up - I like your style

(Didn't think about that - when I was her age I owned one mascara)