Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

410 replies

VoldemortsNipple · 25/04/2011 10:32

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

OP posts:
SugarPasteFrog · 25/04/2011 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 10:56

Fabby, I banned my DS from eating in his room, but he still sneaked food up there. You can tell a teenager the rules til you are blue in the face but if they dont want to follow them then they dont. Its all part of the rebellion. Regarding the BO thing, I said that I would only serve DS his dinner if he came to the table clean and smelling nice. He only went hungry a couple of times before he realised that I meant it and that clean meant washed etc not just a quick go with a wet wipe and half a can of body spray which in its own way is more offensive than BO!

My DD is 13 and is going through the classic phase of acting like a spoilt toddler and then screaming "I AM NOT A BABY!!!!!" when you pull her up on it! She has worse tantrums and crying and screaming fits now than she ever did as a 2 year old!

SugarPasteFrog · 25/04/2011 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hairylights · 25/04/2011 10:57

I speak as someone who, when I chose to be a veggie cooked my own food at age fourteen and also did my own washing, ironing, cleaning etc, and rightly so.

But my parents weren't cruel to me in the way that's been suggested.

If I knew of a child being treated like that I would definately call social services.

crockydoodle · 25/04/2011 10:58

Surely you don't have to take the router to bed. Is there not some sort of parental controls on it that allow you to set access times?

BabyYoureAFirework · 25/04/2011 10:59

LOL @ all these people saying that you're being harsh... or that she's depressed... she's 14. I was the same, and I'm a neat freak now. But my 13 yr old dd is disgusting. I thought it was boys that are like this, but after talking to my friends, and from what I read on forums, girls are far worse.

I have the same issue, OP. Today is the day. If it's not done by the end of the day, the whole lot is going in a bin bag in the loft. I'm sick of it. Good luck!

beesimo · 25/04/2011 11:04

I think some of you have a very cruel streak and I wouldn't leave you in charge of a chicken let alone a bairn.

The child is unhappy, no living creature lives in its own dirt unless it is distressed.

Does she perhaps think so little of herself that she feels she deserves to be dirty and smelly and live in a midden?

I think there is a lot more going on here that we have not been told

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:05

Dontdoitkatie

She is a classic teenager and yes, she does want looking after but not because she is depressed but because when you are 14 you are the single most selfish and self obsessed creature on the planet! Your parents are there to cook your food, clean your room, do your washing and pay for EVERYTHING.

They should provide you with everything you want the second you ask for it and never ever EVER tell you off, discipline you or prevent you for doing what you like when you like, with whoever you like.

If they DO try and control anything about you or your life well thats just proof that they dont love, never wanted you, prefer your siblings to you (as they get EVERYTHING THEY WANT AND YOU GET NOTHING EVER) probably wish you had died as a baby or that you are adopted.

I know this because I used to be one and now I have 2 of my own!

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:06

no living creature lives in its own dirt unless it is distressed. OR A TEENAGER

FabbyChic · 25/04/2011 11:07

Bogey sounds like that worked for you hopefully it would work for the OP.

GypsyMoth · 25/04/2011 11:08

distressed my arse!!!

i have teens....this is a phase.....what she needs is some friend or acquaintence to tell her that her hygiene is bad. doesnt usually work coming from the mum who nags about state of bedroom,they dont believe it.......she needs a bit of gentle humiliation to kick her butt into gear!!

BabyYoureAFirework · 25/04/2011 11:09

Bogeyface has it spot on. 14 year old girls can be vile.

My 13 year old is the sweetest, most thoughtful, kind child in the world. Until it comes to her room, and making mess throughout the house. She even leaves knickers with used sanitary towels in them in the bathroom. They're disgusting.

GypsyMoth · 25/04/2011 11:09

its all about maximum impact)poker straight hair) for minimum effort!!

valiumredhead · 25/04/2011 11:11

My mum used to threaten to take photos of our pig stys bedrooms and pin them on the front door for everyone to see! I imagine the threat of doing the same on FB would have a similar effect Grin

It worked btw!

Messy bedrooms wouldn't bother me - that's part of being a teen BUT dirty plates and mice most definitely would! So food would be banned from being taken upstairs - eaten at the table or not at all ( or pocket money docked/mobile phone taken away etc) My mum once stripped my mum of EVERYTHING and I just laughed at her - she had obviously lost control and any respect I had for her flew out of the window. Ime it's better to warn your child of the consequences rather than steam in all guns blazing - keep it calm!

Teens are naturally icky ime and it's usual for them to need a LOT of prodding in the direction of the shower. I have to frogmarch my ds and even then have to remind him to actually use soap and he's not even a teen yet!

Our conversations usually go like -

You need a shower, go and have one

Arghhhhhhhhhhh NO! God!!!!! ( eyes rolling) I had one yesterday for GOD"S sake!!!!!!!

Go and have a shower or you will smell

Arghhhhhhhh Urghhhhhhhhhh noooooooo, why do you always DO this to me????

Go and have a shower NOW or I will dock your pocket money/phone/TV etc etc

Urggggggggggh!! ( lots or muttering under breath as heading for the shower)

He has been known to come downstairs after a shower and I have said 'Did you use soap" and he has said ' Oh no, I KNEW there was something I forgot!' Grin

valiumredhead · 25/04/2011 11:13

What Bogey said - took me too long to type out my mammoth post Grin

StealthyKissBeartrayal · 25/04/2011 11:14

fabbychic that was an awful post

FattyAcid · 25/04/2011 11:15

Is your dd healthy?
Does she struggle with establishing routines for herself and getting organised?

I wouldn't be leaving her to it if she wasn't coping with her own washing etc.
I would tell her that sheets change day is Tuesday and do it for her if she won't do it herself. I wouldn't make her responsible for her own washing as that's not working. Why not do a daily room inspection for a bit and help her. Similarly hoovering day could be Saturday.

I agree with running her a bath every night.

I also agree with the no food in the bedroom rule.

Does she have too much stuff/clothes in her room without an easy place to store everything? If so you need to declutter together.

Maybe your dd doesn't really want the level of independence you are giving her just yet.

Ephiny · 25/04/2011 11:15

I agree not taking care of yourself can be a sign of depression - but if she's bothering to spend time doing her make-up and straightening her hair, that doesn't seem to be the case for her. Very odd though to make the effort to do those things but not bother to take a shower, sounds like she has her priorities the wrong way round there!

GiddyPickle · 25/04/2011 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:16

Valium, my favourite was DS running the shower and sitting in the bathroom thinking that I would think he was in it! He would come back with damp hair and having washed his hands and face.

Never once did I tell him that could I check if he was in there by turning on the hot tap downstairs thereby giving him a blast of cold on his arse! He would yell if he was in there and I would hear nothing if he wasnt. Also a proper shower was atleast 10 minutes in the bathroom, a pretend shower was 3 tops. He used to get so mad when I sent him back and never did figure it out :o

bibbitybobbityhat · 25/04/2011 11:17

Blimey - some of you have no idea about teenagers. This thread is providing very helpful insight - be warned!

Of course you must do what you said you are going to do op. Consistency is all, with toddlers and teenagers. Good luck with it.

BabyYoureAFirework · 25/04/2011 11:17

I try and close the door on it most of the time. But every now and again, when we have that conversation where she says 'but it's MY room', I lose the plot and end up telling her that she's wrong - that it's HER room in MY house.

It drives me to the edge of rage.

valiumredhead · 25/04/2011 11:18

Bogey ds can have the shower running too and just stand in the bathroom without actually getting in! Grin

moonstorm · 25/04/2011 11:18

Haven't read all of thread.

I would do it. Sometimes when things (mess) gets that out of hand the sorting of it seems like too big a job. Clearing out would help her in a big way. Give her a clean, blank sheet and make her earn her stuff back.

When you live in a mess, it's easy to stay that way, it's easier to keep a tidy room tidy. I think you need to do this.

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:19

Hands up all parents of beasts teenagers who have said those immortal lines...

"WHEN YOU LIVE IN YOUR OWN HOUSE YOU CAN HAVE IT AS MESSY AS YOU LIKE BUT UNTIL THEN YOU WILL KEEP YOUR ROOM CLEAN AND TIDY!" :o:o