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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

410 replies

VoldemortsNipple · 25/04/2011 10:32

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

OP posts:

Amyjane87 · 25/04/2011 11:19

I think thats a really good idea. she's obviously not getting the message. the only way to teach her a bit of respect is to take her things away and ground her. good on you. i hope it goes well.

valiumredhead · 25/04/2011 11:20

Consistency is all, with toddlers and teenagers

I agree and tbh I don't find there is THAT much difference between the two! and both just as hard work!

GypsyMoth · 25/04/2011 11:20

was she not bothered by the mice op??

maybe they should 'return' and eat throught the laptop cable and straighteners cable??

beesimo · 25/04/2011 11:21

If thats really your ideas of a typical teenager sorry but you' ve gone badly wrong somewhere.

My 5 DCs are all teenagers now, none of them are selfish all of them keep their quarters and themselves clean and tidy. They wear rough clothes when their round the place and get flashed up for going out. They take pride in their appearance and would never let their Mam down by looking scruffy.

B Is now running for the woods as fast as her little legs will carry her.

Ishani · 25/04/2011 11:21

Mine will never be allowed to take food out of the kitchen ever, start as you mean to go on.

GypsyMoth · 25/04/2011 11:22

they wear rough clothes tho bee......why?? why dont they have pride when they are at home with you??

GiddyPickle · 25/04/2011 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

valiumredhead · 25/04/2011 11:22

beesimo you were lucky you got the long straw and got clean teens - the rest of us drew the short straw

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:23

Good luck with that Ishani! I take it you wont be allowing them to spend their pocket money at the shop and will check their pockets and bags everytime they come in the house too?!

GypsyMoth · 25/04/2011 11:24

giddy,yes!!! my teens would clean up rather than risk mice....or worse...

make some rat droppings out of playdoh???? leave them in her room....bed??

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:25

:o I have been waiting for the accusations of bad parenting on the part of those with skanky teenagers! It took 59 posts longer than I expected!

FlamingJamie · 25/04/2011 11:28

I would wonder why she is allowing her personal hygiene to suffer, and whether she doesn't want to tidy or whether she just can't get it together. I would wonder about depression but beyond this I'd set minimum standards eg floor cleared of everything one-a-week for hoovering, dirty clothes put in laundry bin, no food in her room - drinks only if she brings the dirty glasses/cups down. I've got a 10 year old who is messy and I have started all this now.

I'd do as you've threatened, then sit down and talk it through (can one do that with teens ?)

Scholes34 · 25/04/2011 11:30

My 13 year old DD had the smallest bedroom in the house, which was a complete mess, because of the lack of space. She now has a larger bedroom, following building works, but just has a bigger mess - it's simply expanded to fill the room. Drawers aren't closed, dirty clothes not put in the laundry, food wrappers left around. Also, given the choice between a clean top, or a dirty trendy favourite one, it's the favourite one every time. Your DD isn't depressed, just a teenager. She'll realise for herself soon enough that her personal hygiene isn't up to scratch, so you might want to help her on her way. Do ensure her school uniform is clean, and at least go into her room to retrieve that. Run the bath in the evening.

You have made a threat now to remove personal items. Remove some. Tidy the rest of the room, and keep tidying it until she understands the way to keep you out of the room is to tidy it herself. May take some time, but in the meantime, don't get stressed out about it.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 11:30

Maybe your dd doesn't really want the level of independence you are giving her just yet

Just when you think you've read it all, another gem pops up!

FattyAcid - what ... showering and not shoving pot noodles down the side of the bed?? I expect this level of 'independance' from a 4 year old!!

beesimo · 25/04/2011 11:31

Tillytulip

By 'round the place' I mean on the farm or up the woods ect, mucking out the animals swilling down cutting logs by 'rough clothes' I meant work clothes overalls/jods/wet weather gear ect They get change when they come into the house and changed again if they go off out.

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:33

:o Chipping.

ime they behave like this because its independence that they want and doing things that they have been told not to do is their way of asserting that. Toddlers do it with food, walking, getting in the car seat etc. Teenagers do it by proving that they are adults by doing what the hell they like as that what adults do (if only!)

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 25/04/2011 11:34

Teens - either you can't get them IN the shower or you can't get the OUT the shower!! Is there ever a happy medium??? (My Dad used to knock the door down shouting if you don't get out of there I'm turning the taps on! But admittedly this was after about 20 minutes of me daydreaming in there [bugrin]...though I thought it was very unreasonable at the time!) Maybe that's why I was much thinner as a teenager - maybe I really did wash myself away!

valiumredhead · 25/04/2011 11:35

Again, what bogeyface said.

BabyYoureAFirework · 25/04/2011 11:35

beesimo, I can assure you that I haven't 'gone wrong' with my daughter She's just an untidy, slovenly little madam. In every other area she is perfect. For now

valiumredhead · 25/04/2011 11:37

LOL @ slovenly little madam!

cjdamoo · 25/04/2011 11:41

My sister was like this. She is still like this now despite been 26 and a mother of two.

Waltons · 25/04/2011 11:45

OP, I think you've got it absolutely right. Go through with the threat to take it all away, and tell her she has to earn it back. The moment she backslides, take it all away again. Keep it all under lock and key if you can.

And tell her to have a shower or bath every evening as part of that. (Note: Mum of teenagers does not suggest morning ...)

Good luck - let us know how you get on once she has stopped screaming, crying, threatening to leave home, calling you a witch and a child abuser, saying she'll call the NSPCC, telling you that you have ruined her life by taking away the hair-straighteners, and all the rest of it.

Maybe she can earn the hair-straighteners back first by doing a stack of washing and ironing?

TheVisitor · 25/04/2011 11:47

Do what you've threatened! Teenagers can be vile, smelly creatures.

Milngavie · 25/04/2011 11:47

My DS will be 16 next month and he practically lives in the shower. Of course he has to use a can of Lynx under each arm following each mammoth shower so that the whole house reeks like a secondary school gym department.

His room is a mess but he will tidy it when asked reminded.

We've been fortunate so far and have had little of the tantrums and door slamming. The muttering, oh yes, I know it well .

I think removing her things is a good idea but leave her sheets and don't make her eat out of a dogs bowl!

Bogeyface · 25/04/2011 11:47

Dont forget Grandma, school teachers, best friends mum and Childline Waltons :o

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