AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

Beesimo, you sound a bit like my brother who was smug like you about his perfect two children until he had a third child who is nothing like the other two in character and he finds very hard to discipline. It is quite amusing to us to see how he and SIL deal with a much more difficult and spirited child. She is quite young still, but we are watching, especially after his pronouncements on OPC and the way the parents dealt with various situations.

I am pleased for you that you have such lovely children that don't stretch you. I am glad that you have been so sympathetic with the rest of us whose children aren't so perfect and whose parenting skills obviously leave such a lot to be desired.

Glad you're feeling better, Beesimo . :)

Beesimo - yes it is much easier to discipline and set boundaries when they are little.

However children are also very different. Some are much easier to discipline, an get to some semblance of compliance.

When children get to become teenagers it is quite natural for them to rebel, in fact part of our duty as parents is to prepare them to be able to separate from us and make their own choices. This may be to live in a pig sty, but they also need to learn to take the consequences (an irate mother then later being chucked out of a flat by an angry landlord).

Also the most perfect small children from the loveliest families can turn into the most difficult teenagers. Perhaps this won't happen to you, maybe they won't rebel until their 20s or older. However I have seen children from the best regulated families do the occasional outrageous things, and very occasionally unlucky one act of rebellion can have very serious consequences.

I would never want to be too smug, just in case.

BTW are you real? That sounded very DM criticising mothers for being here instead of caring for their children.

Whether it was your intention or not bessimo that's how your posts are coming across.

Wow! I have just read the whole thread!
My mum did this to me! The contents of my room on the lawn in the rain!! I'm still here and currently fairly well balanced!
My DS is 15. a lovely polite boy who communicates well, is doing well at school and a credit to take out in public. HOWEVER... before I can get him out in public, I must turn on and insert him into the shower, wash his hair for him, BRUSH HIS TEETH FOR HIM, apply deodorant, launder and iron the appropriate clothes, be his own personal alarm clock and act as general encouragement!
No matter how often I make his bed, when I stick my head round the door he NEVER has any bedclothes on his bed, he insists on sleeping on the matress!
I often tell him he stinks! BECAUSE HE DOES! it never makes blind bit of difference!
Dd12 is quite the opposite! for now
I don't feel smug about her behaviour.
One thing I learned when my DCs were small, and which is the only piece of advice I ever give to new parents regularly is this:

NEVER be smug. Don't say my child WON'T/DOESN'T/I WILL NEVER ALLOW... your child will ALWAYS make you look a twat if you do!

Bessimo im glad your DCs are good. But don't count your chickens yet! They may be clean and respectful. That's marvellous. Doesn't mean they can't rob a bank, get themselves/someone else pregnant, take drugs....
Maybe you should be thanking your lucky stars that you have made it this far without major mishap, and telling yourself "there but for the grace of God go I"! It is a long way down from your metaphorical horse, pray things keep going well and you don't fall!

sounds like the nursery to me tsc!! bound to be outside influence. just hope bessimos kids don't come across any of thosexxxxx

beesimo When DD was younger, we never had to disapline her because she was so well behaved. The only boundary I ever remember giving her was dont go past the lamp post when she was playing out, which she never did.

I must admit even then she could be messy and loved to cut up tiny pieces of paper but I put this down to her creativity rather than rebelion or a sure sign of things to come.

It's great that your children are so clean, tidy and respectful. If I thorght that was a bad thing I wouldnt be here asking advice.

It takes a lot of guts comming on here and telling the world about the flaws of my DD, but telling me what I should have done 10 years ago is useless. As I said before, my daughter has an issue with clenliness and is also being more disrespectful at home than I am prepared to take. But she is not a bad person who should be looked down on or compared to people who have had a completly different and by the sounds of thing a more priviledged life. Im not saying that in a bitter way I am mearly making a statment.

Good grief Beesimo - I was an only child from a family that believed very much in firm boundaries and structure. I was loved - but also treated in a much more stern manner than many of my peers (am 39 now, so a while ago!) My mum didn't work much outside the home until I was 10. I had plenty of parental involvement and supervision and I was STILL horrible as a teenager. (Not to any other adults - I was too well brought for that - just my own parents.)

It can happen, regardless of parenting - teenagers brains are still developing and one of the fundamental differences in them is their ability to feel empathy and to understand other people's points of view.

I have gone on to have a happy and successful life and career, and have a fantastic relationship with my lovely parents. But for around 3/4 years I was a pretty unpleasant person to be around at home.

If that hasn't been your experience then thank your lucky stars, but I honestly don't think your fabulous parenting is necessarily the only factor - a good dose of luck, and perhaps the personality of the children and adults involved will have been significant too.

OK Guys, DD hasnt grasped how serious we are yet. She is treating it in a "WHATEVER" kind of attitude. Up to now we have had two run ins.

DD: Where are the straighteners?
VN: Ive put them away. I will allow you to use them today but in future you will only be....
DD: I need them
VN: Are you listening to me
DD: Yes but I need them
VN: I will allow you to use them today but in future you will only get them if you have had a shower
DD: Well you will have to give me them, I need them
VN: Yes you also need a clean body, so have a shower each night and we wont have a problem, will we.
DD: Whatever

DD: Where have you put all my stuff, I cant find anything
VN: Ive put them away until you can appreciate them and look after your room
DD: Wheres my phone
VN: Ive put it away with the other stuff
DD: It doesnt even work
VN: Maybe but your still not having it
DD: Thats pathetic it doesnt even work
VN: You still need to earn it back
DD: Whatever

Let the war begin

I agree, never be smug. My DD is angelic to everyone else. In the top sets and gifted groups at school. Doing A levels early etc. BUT she can be a nightmare at home!!!! And I am not taking it as given that she will carry on to get top marks etc. It could change at any time!!! I know some parents who were very smug till their DD got pregnant while in year 10 or 11. I also know one who bragged to everyone and her DD dropped out of college/uni later on. You just never know.... Good parenting helps but it is luck as well. My other daughter is totally different and would never answer back but she has same parents!!!

I predict another day at the most of "Whatever" before she ramps it up a level when you dont give in!

Keep the faith Voldy, mothers of teenagers throughout MN are behind you!

Volde - MNers that don't even have teenagers are right behind you! Think of us sitting on your shoulder when you are 'in battle' [cgrin]

What have you actually told her she needs to do to get her stuff back? Have you told her how long she has to do that before it all goes in the bin?

Beesimo - your attitude stinks. Telling people that it is their fault because they spend too much time on Mumsnet - frankly the only other times I have heard that line here is when trolls have come onto the site with the sole intention of upsetting people and making trouble. I am not saying you are a troll, but you are showing the same nasty attitude.

To say that you have no intention of making people feel inferior, and then to produce that little gem shows me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you are NOT sorry for making people feel inferior or looked down upon. Indeed, you seem to be revelling in your feelings of superiority.

VoldemortsNipple - well done for keeping going with this. I am going to have to get similarly tough with my dses - and I am planning to tell them what you have done and that the same fate lies in wait for them if they do not keep their rooms relatively tidy and hygienic. I'll give them the weekend to get their acts in gear and then the gloves are off.

And yes, beesimo, I did discipline my children when they were younger, and taught them that toys had to be put away at the end of the morning or afternoon. I have done black bin bag raids on their bedrooms, and read them big lectures on tidyness, hygiene etc. And it is OK for me to be on mumsnet now, because they are at school so I don't think you can accuse me of neglecting my maternal duties. [chmm]

Beesimo - I thought you were a smug twat, now I'm sure of it.

As for One thing some of you may want to think about if you didn't spend hours and hours on a daily basis on the computer you might actually have a time to relate to your children better but of course that takes self discipline and sacrifice and I think you are much better at 'playing the victims' than actually taking responsibilty for what is going on in your own homes ... you have no idea how long anyone else spends on here. What a nasty judgemental comment. Pride before a fall (metaphorical as you don't seem clever enough to work that out yourself).

Voldy - sounds like fun (not). CAn you and DH sit her down and read riot act together. This is all designed to wear you down - don't give in!

And I am with so many others here. I was well brought up and largely a model child until I hit about 15 and then I was hellchild at home (in particular to my poor mother), I would pick a fight every single night after school and I still can't tell you why! Then I came out the other side of it, but I was horrible to live with....

Thanks Guys for all your support. It would be easy to give in now the bedroom is tidy, but you are all spuring me on to keep going. Keeping you all up to date is helping me stay calm.

DD has been told what we expect of her and what she has to do to earn her things back. We went with the plan I said the other day;

shower = straighteners
tidy room every day = her belongings back gradually
homework time = computer time
weekly clean = pocket money

I have placed a storage basket in her room. This is where I will put the things I replace. My idea is that if I put a few items in at random, she needs to either find a new home for them or throw them away if she doesnt want them. New items will not be given until she deals with the ones in her basket. If she dumps them in a drawer I will dump them back in the basket.

It might be an idea to give her a time limit on the basket as well. Say 3 days or they go in the bin. What do you think?

3 days is long enough for her to forget about them or get used to them being there and seeing it as their home.

If you put them in there during the day then she has til bedtime that night, so that she gets into the habit of dealing with things as they need doing rather than putting it off, which is probably what got her room in that state in the first place!

Voldemort- total respect! Please do keep updating as you're giving me the incentive I need to start a new assault on DD's room, again.

I've started by removing all the clothes from the floor. I've given in, stupidly, which my mother never would have done, and done all that washing. Now I need to help her get her room completely tidy.

I love your rules with showers, straighteners, belongings, howework, computer. I just hope I have your strength, because it's not going to be pretty.

Again, well done, Voldemort. As I said, please keep posting and anyone else who's doing this to help me keep my backbone. Thank you.

~Think of it this way JJ, if you keep strong and see it through then you will only have to do it once.

If you back down then you will have to have this argument again and again!

Just read this thread now.

Wow, Voldemort, you have your work cut out for you. I'm behind you too.

Bogey's idea is a good one. Plenty of time to deal with it but not enough to procrastinate.

Ah, the smuggness of Bee is hilarious. [cgrin]. Can't wait to see what she says next.

Do Not Give In

(Although I know exactly where you are coming from!!)

Well, I love your plan to date (when did you tell her this? If you told her this before this morning, why did you need to re-explain about the straightners and why did you give in?).

I agree with Bogey - put them there in the morning, she has 24 hours for anything in the basket or this is going to drag on for an eternity and she gets NO say in what she gets back when! I'd mix one good thing with a lot of crap.

I'd also check what is being binned. If it's anything you would need to replace I'd take it out (without telling her) and keep it somewhere else until she asks for some x then you can give it back to her. Otherwise I can see her deciding it's easier to toss a lot of stuff and get you to buy it new!!

AND I would tell her if I find one disgusting thing in her room ever then it will all go again. No discussion. Honest to god if I found used sanitary stuff in a girls room I'd go ballistic!!

Keep Calm and Carry On Posting [cgrin]

Voldy, you rock! Another MN'er here without teenage DCs who thinks you're doing brilliantly.

I'm impressed Voldy!