AIBU to strip DDs bedroom of all her personal possesions?

[VoldemortsNipple]

I really need some good advice on how to handle this. Sorry its long.

DD is 14. her bedroom is a tip. I dont mean normal teenage mess, I mean environmental hazard mess. There are dirty dishes that she sneaks up there, pot noodle pots shoved down the side of her bed. We had mice at Christmas!

All her clothes are dirty. I have asked time and time again for her to bring washing down. All she brings is the bare minimum of washing that she needs, ie; one set of school uniform, one pair of jeans and a top that she wants to wear. She normally washes her own clothes now because of this, but she washes them as she needs them. She has a binbag full of washing in one corner, the rest is all over the floor, including smelly dirty underwear. When she runs out of clean underwear, she will take to wearing mine. She will even wear her brothers boxers.

She has broken countless expensive items by lack of respect. Her laptop over heats because she would fall asleep with it on her bed. Now she will take her brothers things without asking and refuses to give them back or denies she has them until we have a big shouting match about it. We have to unplug the wireless router and take it to bed with us or she will sneak downstairs and be on the intenet until early hours of the morning.

I have helped her tidy her room countless times but within a few days it is a mess again. The bedroom is now in such a mess it stinks. Last summer she paid for paint and new soft furnishings to decorate the room herself. I thorght then that she would begin to take pride in it but she still doesnt care.

Her personal hygiene is also very bad. She goes out to school with perfectly straight hair and make up on, but she will smell of BO because she hasnt washed. If we are lucky she will have a shower once a week.

On Friday I gave her an ultimatum that she has until the end of today to clean her room or I will go in and clean it for her and on doing so will remove all her things. Up until not she hasnt done a thing and I really dont expect her to.

So tomorrow I want to not only clean her room, but take away all her things including books, ipods, make up and straigteners (which will upset her the most) and leave her with two sets of clothes, underwear, uniform and pyjamas.

I want her to respect her own and other people posessions. I dont know whether by leaving her with so little will do more harm than good but I just dont know what to do next.

Voldy - well done for remaining consistent. I'd have lost my temper long ago, which may have made me feel better for a nanosecond but wouldn't have achieved anything.

Fabbychic I remember a post from you where you said you treat your kids like friends and don't have any problems with them. You don't sound like much of a friend to me with those suggestions for dealing with a 14 year old girl.

Been lurking on this thread for a few days, but another person who just wants to say that I think you're doing a fab job! (And I'm absolutely shit-scared a little frightened of my potential future!!)

My bet is on the classic 'I didn't ASK to be BORN!!!!!' as an upcoming complaint [cwink]

I am well impressed at your staying power!! Well done!!

How have things been today?

Little Madam! Locking you out? Keeping on? Winding up the boys!... and winding up the dog - you have to laugh (well, maybe you don't yet but we do ). Still - you held strong and kept calm - well done!!

I would calmly tell her that if she asks for her laptop when she has already been told no, she will need to do x before even bothering to ask again and that if she keeps this up it could be a very long time before she sees it again.

I laughed at the locking out thing. She clearly hadnt thought it through because unless she let Voldy in, Voldy couldnt give her the laptop back!

A case of heart ruling the head there I think :o

popping this on Threads I'm On.

OK, I admit to have not read it all but I took advice from a neighbour who said "just go in and sort it out as it will make you happier". So I did. To earn money he now has to keep his room clean and tidy. Pocket money goes into his account by DD once a week so I can easily cancel it.

You can try removing her bedroom door but letting her keep her phone as I expect you will need to contact her.

HTH

Good job, Voldie ! Stay strong!

Sounds reasonable to me, you've told her that you will do it unless she tidies so she only has herself to blame. she can then earn her stuff back once she learns. My mum used to always say it may be your (mine) room but its my (her) house, if you want to live like a pig then wait until you move out.

I am so loving this thread.

I would wait until she was out of the house and then take all of her clothes down to be washed. Strip the bed and leave it to be aired. Remove her laptop and any games from her room.

When she returns home drag her up to the bathroom, run the bath and refuse to let her leave the room till she has got in the bath and has washed her hair and body. Tell her that every other day you expect her to bath or you will stand over her and watch. That should embarras her to do it herself.

When she goes into her room she should have one set of nightwear and two sets of clothes. Then tell her to make her own bed. And when she starts to behave you will discuss her laptop.

Another thought does she have a friend? You could invite her friend around talk to her about her room?

could she be dyslexic? struggling with mess because she finds it hard to order things?

what about running her a candle lit bubble bath and have a nice mag for her to read whilst in there?

can you help her put some kind of rota toghter? Let her decide which day to do what - if you make a list of all that needs doing first.

why not reward her with something if she can keep her bedroom tidy for a month/week. once she gets into the routine of doing it it should be easier.

agree about keeping the lap top till things improve. make sure you reward tiny steps.

Wow!

Re-spect to the OP!!

I especially like the rules and will be stealing them for use in this house. The homework time = computer time is GENIUS

Carikey, Vickster... isn't that a bit harsh, the idea of physically dragging a 14yo around, I take it you have experience?

Respect!

How has it gone today??

The thing with the personal hygeine issue is , it probably means she isnt having sex , once she starts showering every day ,is the time to worry !

I think you are right to put this ultimatum infront of her...
A family member as a child who is exactly the same she is not being bullied or is a bully she is just lazy and I think she needs a kick up the bum (not literally) so she can start behaving properly... If you treat her like she needs help thats when she will take advantage... There is no excuse for not washing and at 14 she is not a baby and does not need someone standing over her... At this point in a childs teenage years they either go the right way or the way your DD is going and I think know if you don't act quickly your daughters habits will get out of control...

bumpsoon its sad to say that not washing doesn't stop teenage boys from having sex with a girl... This family member's daughter is having unprotected sex in school and in pulic places parks etc... It's so sad because even though she isn't my real family (my bestfriends cousin) I still see her plight and think good God I remember when you were a sweet little girl...

I am reading this post with fear.... DS is fine, he is 8 and quite reasonable, in an absent minded kind of way, about tidying, but 5 yr old DD is a nightmare, in that if you ask her to put one thing away she has a complete hysterical breakdown and throws things around. I know she is young and I will probably carry on tidying up around her, butthis pots has made me think I should start her off on the right path - just told her from now on I either tidy up the toys in her room, or I read her a story - her choice, so I am hoping this will motivate her to at least have a go at tidying up.